Help don't know what I'm doing with my 'adult' child!

[DramaQueenLucy]

What is tough enough? Is there a book? I want to make him uncomfortable but how should I handle certain situations? Like going out for dinner, as a family we normally go out to eat once every couple of weeks. So should he be allowed to go or not? And the same go for the movies once again we go every couple of weeks.

 

[KFld]

Tough love to me means not enabling them when they are making poor choices, but being there and being supportive, emotionally, when they are making the right decisions. If you are getting along and there is no major drama on the nights you go out to dinner and you want him to join you, then there is nothing wrong with that. If you are in the middle of a battle over something he is doing wrong, then don't.
That is up to you and if you are comfortable taking him along. If you aren't comfortable with something, then don't do it!!

 

[DammitJanet]

DQL....we have somewhat of an issue with those things. I have three grown kids who we tend to do things with. Two of my grown kids live with me. Normally we get take out food once a week when Tony gets paid...Thursday night. Its kind of a tradition here. Now Cory doesnt have a job but Billy does however Tony buys the takeout food every week for everyone in the family...thats 5 adults but normally Cory and Mandy just get one item and share because neither one of them are big eaters. We tend to do things like Chinese or a BBQ rib joint we all like or pizza. Maybe subs sometimes. Still that is a lot of money each week. We also will take them with us if we go somewhere special like a brunch or something like that. I ordered tickets for them to two concerts we went to. And to the fair. Tony takes him fishing quite often, in fact he did just last weekend. He will take him hunting a few times a year but not as often because he really isnt supposed to have a gun so they have to go to special places.

All in all, no matter what the real problems are, as long as Cory isnt stealing from us or really being bad, we get along pretty well...we just need him in his own place.

 

[AHF]

I agree with everyone else here. Sell the car. One thing our immature adult kids want from us is security, a sense that they know where we stand and what we'll do. That's one of the scary things about the world--not knowing. Plus, if he learns he can manipulate you, he will learn to manipulate others, and that's not a good way to enter adulthood. So yes, sell the car. What's the worst thing that can happen? That he has to find another form of transportation? That he has to work to get himself a car? You can figure this out all sorts of ways, e.g., he can "buy" the car with payments of $100/week from his job. No payments, and the car goes. My kids never had their own car--they never made enough $ for the insurance payments, which was what I deemed their share--but when they abused the privilege of borrowing my car, I put a steering wheel lock on it, which was unlocked only when payments were made.

 

[Star*]

(We didn't get it all figured out at once either. We've all had our Ah HA moments and our "just kick me in the bootie moments too)


some of us....(not naming any STAR...names) had to be kicked in the boot-tay NUMEROUS times. ----no really ------got the bruises to prove it.
but once I got it? I got it. And then Witz wouldn't let me forget it. lol. (snicker) I'd just think about that donkey in the manger scene going across the room - or Suz folding her arms up and glaring at me, or Fran rolling her eyes, or any one of the older board members being on the opposite side of the room with folded arms, tapping foots, and raised eye brow thinking - What would I do if........

Helps a lot to envision what you think your board friends would say if you KNOW what to do, and did what your heart tells you to do, and then do it anyway.

BUYING THAT CAR SIGN IS EXCELLENT LUCY! BRAVO! NOW - follow through - get the marker - write the number, put it in the car, park it by the road. (lol) YOU CAN DO Eeeeeeeeeeeet.

Picture Hound helping you write - lol (not me - ) snort.

 

[dashcat]

Great job buying the sign! And, of course, everyone is right. You must follow through.

As to family dining out and movies: I try my best to keep family traditions alive with my difficult child ... and since my husband left, create and maintain new ones. I usually invite her over for dinner at least once a week and we go out maybe every other week or so for either lunch or dinner. I always buy. She used to love to go to the movies with me but, lately, she turns her nose up at the things I want to see (and, since I'm buying, I have to at least be able to tolerate the movie ...). I would continue with your traditions and leave it up to him as to whether or not he wants to be included.
Dash

 

[DramaQueenLucy]

Thanks for the help and support! Sheesh...just when I thought it was supposed to get easier...yeah right! At least I have a clue now even if he is still running amok and trying to manipulate me.

 

[Star*]

I don't know if there is a rule of thumb, but I kept doing things that made ME happy, but didn't over indulge, and if there was ever a time that he ruined it with "Well I don't get you at all - you take my blah, blah, blah, but then? You turn around and take us all out to dinner at yak, yak, yak!" That was it. No more dinner at yak, yak, yak. He ruined it for me. It was like he was saying to me - I'd rather have what I want than what makes you happy. So that cut that out immediately, and Df and I would just go without him.

Eventually you will find a balance of what you can do with him that isn't over-indulging. The weird part for me was, by the time you find that? He's off on his own with his own life and you sit back and think "YOU BONE HEAD DUDE! I wanted US to do that!" and it tugs at your heart a little that they don't seem to want to do those things with you anymore - but like now? Two years later? Dude would and has said - "I'd give anything to have dinner with you tonight Mom - even if it was sketti on a paper plate." Which he used to complain about all the time. So eventually it does come full circle. You just don't give them the chance to find out what their wants are without having a few regrets.

 

[witzend]

I think that if he is doing what you would expect of a respectful adult living in your house, you include him. If he's not, then don't. Give him the same amount of respect he gives you. If he gives you none, I would disregard him entirely. If he gives you some, I would include him some.

FWIW, if the lawnmower is broken, what arrangements did he make to fix it?