Help me be strong!

[AnnieO]

I agree... Don't let her have false hope.

And... Don't go, if you don't feel like it. YOU take care of YOU.

Don't look into halfway houses - that is HER job.

And, yes, our difficult children would make great lawyers. Of course, the argument "because I want to" or "because because because" doesn't go far. I remember a discussion with Onyxx where she explained that since bio taught her that violence was the answer, that was that, and my upbringing was WRONG. I should be willing to hurt/maim/kill anyone who did not do what I wanted them to. I explained that that was against the law, but her argument was then that it did not matter, that was the way that she was brought up. I shook my head and walked away. I can see her trying to convince a jury that aggravated assault was OK because that's what she was taught...

As for stories... That's what you get here, too, sometimes longer, sometimes anecdotes like the one I just typed. And sometimes, something you hear (read) in another's story might make you think, "Hmm, I wonder if..." and you go from there.

 

[elizabrary]

I wouldn't go back for another visit. If it's really bothering you then you could send her a letter spelling out why you aren't visiting and under what circumstances you will return. Let her know if she starts the badgering you will immediately end the visit. Of course, if you can't follow through on that don't tell her you will and then when she starts in on you you continue to sit there. With Kat when she turns into a screaming lunatic I literally walk away, drive away, whatever and refuse to talk to her until she had calmed down. I won't answer the phone when she starts calling after I walk away from her. It's not fun, but it does help me maintain what little sanity I have left. I actually feel worse when I take her bait and get involved in long, ridiculous arguments that get completely off track and irrational. But in my experience these kids will keep going with the drama as long as you let them. Literally walking away and not responding seems to work better than anything else in my case. Hang in there, I know this is very hard!

 

[rejectedmom]

Kathy, Yes the manipulation is par for the course at this stage but the real problem here is that somhow you and your husband seem to think it is OK to take this relentless badgering from her because she is in treatment.. NOT!.. Just like any other time when she was at home or out on her own you have to make it very clear that this behavior is not acceptable. When My difficult child was in group homes husband and I read up on the attractions in the area and/or along the route. That way if difficult child acted up our trip would not be for naught. We would warn difficult child that we didn't come to see him to be badgered or guilted and that if it continued we would leave. He never forced our hand but we were prepared and a couple of times went to the attractions after our visit so that we would have some plesant down time. Even when they behave it is hard to see them struggling and in those surroundings so following up with something pleasant is a way to take care of you
. -RM

 

[DammitJanet]

Kathy I was being somewhat facetious with my contract idea for her because obviously there is no way you could enforce something like that. For me it would feel good to just imagine writing it because she is being such a pain. But then I have an odd sense of humor I guess.

I do think I would look into the sober living arrangements for her. You have repeatedly helped her with her living arrangements before so I would think that might give you something to at least work on. As far as visitations...ehhh..I might miss the next one and call the place and see how she is doing. If she is hanging in okay then maybe go the next time. Oh...just an aside. From one smoker...put a package in the mail with cigs if you are not visiting. She is trying to get sober from one thing...dont agitate her more. She can leave. That is just my kindly aunt advice.

 

[toughlovin]

Kathy - you have gotten a lot of great advice which I am reading with interest since my son is once again in rehab...

I agree with others don't give her false hope... she will figure out a transition plan faster once she gives up on the idea of coming home. She won't move forward with another plan as long as she thinks that is a possibility.

I figured in your first post that it was your difficult child that said the counselor thought she should come home... I think that type of thing happens a lot because a good counselor is building a relationship and listening to them and they may take it as agreement when it is just listening. I can just imagine the conversation... your difficult child says I want to go home after rehab... the counselor ok well then how you would continue with keeping your sobriety? A good question but your difficult child would take it as agreement to the going home plan.

I agree don't decide right away if you will go back and visit... and then do what feels right to YOU on visiting day. I do think talking to the counselor is a very good idea because she can give you some perspective on her treatment and may have some recommendations about a visit... one thought would be to have a visit as a family therapy session so the counselor is there for it.

As far as contracts. Nancy is right I think often difficult children have no intention of following the contract and may just figure they will get around it... certainly true of my difficult child. Where it made sense for me is to make it absolutely clear what the consequences were for breaking the contract. We did this twice. Once when my son was in 9th grade and out of control we had a contract that if he got in trouble with school, or the police he would agree to go to a wilderness program. We knew this is what he needed but wanted to avoid having him taken by surprise in the middle fo the night. He willingly agreed to the contract and then we waited. My husband knew he would break it but I started to worry that he wouldn't. It took 4 days and I got a text message from him saying he woudl go to a program. He had gotten in major trouble at school and possibly with the police and knew he had to go..... The other time was less clear cut but same idea.... where he was back in our house after we had kicked him out once but was flagrantly violating rules again. We just told him he was not obeying the rules and so couldn't live here. So to me contracts are a way to make things really clear, and if they violate them then the consequences are clear and are due to their own doing.... rather than the parents whims.

As far as alanon...I know I expected something different than what I got too. It is not really about discussing our difficult children and their issues and solutions as much as finding ways to move forward ourselves... and it is not really discussion but listening to others stories and insights. What I have found really helpful is not feeling alone and hearing others insights on situations that are so similar to my own.. So I learn from their stories and I also learn a lot hearing from people who have been through this and have found ways to have peace and serenity in spite of their loved ones addiction.

TL

 

[Suz]

We would warn difficult child that we didn't come to see him to be badgered or guilted and that if it continued we would leave.

We said something similar to Rob. His MO was to sob through our visits...major pity party, taking no responsibility for being there and begging us to take him home. NOPE. That happened twice, then we drew the line. Once he realized we were serious and would walk out or not visit at all, he settled down. But you can't make the threat if you won't follow through.

Hugs to you, Kathy.
Suz

 

[buddy]

Contracts are awesome for PCs. For difficult children, though, they're not worth the paper they're written on.

This actually has worked for my difficult child for certain things. So maybe if anyone has a difficult child who can relate to these issues it could help (I realize the difficult child in this thread is unique)...
For my difficult child it helped him not because he made a promise but because it helped with his memory issues. It also helped to take the pressure off of unexpected (in his mind) consequences and worry if and when the shoe would drop. It was clearly spelled out.
And it helped with his need to control everything....he had some of the power when creating the contract.

 

[buddy]

SUz....Love your signature picture and the description.... LOVE HIM

 

[Suz]

Thanks, Buddy. Those who know me know I don't share "my Richard" but you are welcome to admire him from afar.

Suz

 

[Kathy813]

Buddy, I have to warn you . . . nothing and no one comes between Suz and her Richard.

Suz, it is good to see you! I imagine you and Richard have an anniversary coming up.

~Kathy