Help why do they think I’m the cause?

[WSM]

Wow, I'm so sorry. We've had the same thing, people blaming us parents rather than looking at the child's problems. About a third of the people we come in contact do. We are mean parents, or it's because we are a stepfamily, or something. I just wrote a thread on this crappe myself.

My husband has taken difficult child to 3 child psychiatrists: difficult child has a biological mother and two maternal uncles who are schizophrenic/bipolar/dealing with major psychosis. All three are on full disability, and difficult child bio-mom spends most of her life alternating from homelessness to hospitals and halfway houses. In truth, she's only cognizant about 2 months a year.

So we thought a psychiatrist specially trained in these issues for children would be good. The first saw nothing outside the norm (difficult child might have been a bit too young), the second yelled at my husband about why he 'wanted' his son to be sick and why he 'wanted' his son to be on medications and what was wrong with husband, the third saw a problem, but was relunctant to put him on medication, because once you start it, they are usually on for life and these are so powerful he always tries to hold off as long as possible.

Typical for course: 3 psychiatrists and one sees nothing too bad, one blames us, and one knows it's not good but doesn't want to act yet.

difficult child has had three court cases for felony possession of a weapon on school grounds. Same thing: once, this is not so good, but he's young; another: maybe family intervention and parenting guidance will help; the third: this is bad business, and it's headed for dentention center and other bad things, but not yet, he's still too young yet, but if things don't change.

(no one ever tells us how to get things to change except to give him more positive reinforcement, more and more attention, etc... meaning, just love your kid and treat him nicely and he'll be fine)

Therapists, teachers, social workers, the same thing, some see a problem, don't know what to do; some think, where there's smoke, there's fire; and some know something bad is coming down the line but it's too early yet.

Oddly it's the police and probation officers who are most supportive, the ones who see the most troubled kids: and with them, they do place responsibility on him and apologize to us.

CPS, for the most part has been okay, but we had one horrible, horrible worker out of maybe 5. But it was horrible and traumatic.

It seems like almost everyone here has had the experience of being accused of bad parenting or abuse; when some people can't fix the problem, they have to blame, instead of saying, 'we just don't know what to do'. It's horrible and damaging, and I'm very sorry you are dealing with this.

They used to blame 'cold', emotionless mothers for autism. Now they know it's genetic; but there are a couple generations of mothers who were scarred by guilt. I wonder how those accusing doctor feel now.

I'm so sorry you are having to cope with this too.

 

[Matty's Mummy]

WSM, sound like you’ve been through the wringer.
no one ever tells us how to get things to change except to give him more positive reinforcement, more and more attention, etc... meaning, just love your kid and treat him nicely and he'll be fine
You situation sounds really frustrating, we had similar thing with difficult child 1. In that all we heard was give him more praise, some days that was a huge challenge.
Hope your s/son gets the help he needs really soon.
It’s really frustrating thanks for letting me know I'm not alone in this, thought i hate knowing others are going through it all to.
Marg
Arh the Full elimination diet, sounds too hard. Matt is fussy with food, not sure that would work out. Also it helps in a sense to because it doesn’t take much to work out what is upsetting him.
While we were at my mothers 2 weekends ago, Matt didn’t have one meltdown! In 3 days, this is big he usually melts down a few times a day.
husband and I wrote down what he had eating, the focus was more on what he hadn’t eaten.
He hadn’t had yogurt, bread or sausages. The bread and yogurt he eats daily, if we don’t hide the bread he will only eat that, he craves it wanting slices with nothing on it. difficult child 1 was a lot the same with bread.
When Matt was around 2 years we seen a program on children head butting, something Matt had just started, they suggested that the possible cause could be 282 found in bread. We gave it a go and within a day no more head butting.
A few weeks later husband picked up the wrong bread, we only realised when Matt was being aggressive and crying for what seemed like no reason.
We never brought bread with that in again.
Anyway Matt’s behaviour has been perfect ever since, well until yesterday.
We have kept him off yogurt, bread and sausages, until last Thursday. husband gave him sausages. Everything was ok, but I thought to that some foods take a few days and some build up over days of eating the to get a reaction.
So we gave them to him the next night all fine Friday.
It wasn’t until Saturday we started.
He was generally cranky in the same frustrated way, he used to be. So needless to say no more sausages.
We will leave him again for a week, then try the yogurt. Than the bread
It’s so nice to se Matt just being able to play without the frustration. Also if asked to hope off the computer, he is fine, hopes off. The Matt before going to my mums he would cry and scream swear… we haven’t seem anything of that.
This belabour stuff I think is separate to the other quirks??
It also could just be that he knew he was starting school and it’s a bit of a developmental mile stone? We just dont know. Well we’ll just keep going with it and keep to his usual diet and add in those few things and see what happens.
But I’ll be more careful. Like you said you can only put back in one thing to be totally sure. We didn’t do that, as well as the sausages he had ice-cream. So really we don’t know if it was the sausages or the ice-cream or both.
Yeah we did the medications for ADHD as well, with difficult child 1, it’s something I hope I never have to do again.

 

[tiredmommy]

I'd definitely look into a gluten/casein and lactose free diet. These are all common food allergens and can be found in surprising places.

 

[Marguerite]

Funny about the bread - difficult child 3 eats it plain as well. We keep the sliced loaf in the freezer then get out however many slices we need. While on the Elimination Diet, we were told (because we'd already kept him off bread for a while and found no change) that we could keep bread in the diet because for us, we were using a bread machine with Laucke's Crusty White, which has no preservatives or anything else nasty. Of course it DOES have wheat and yeast, but no preservatives at all. From what I recall, it was the only bread mix permitted on the diet because it has only the basics. It costs a bit more but still comes down to about 80c a loaf and tastes fabulous.

So if he loves bread, and bread itself is OK just not preservatives, then maybe consider getting yourselves a bread machine? We've had some discussion on these at times in Watercooler. It's laso helping me get difficult child 3 doing more cooking, he can load the bread machine himself now. I actually add an egg to each loaf to boost the protein, but that's just us.

From the sounds of things, you need to look at preservatives. Sausages are notorious, but you might be able to find a local butcher who can make up a preservative-free batch if enough people ask for it. Or you can make your own sausages, if you have one of those bench-top mincers. You can use natural casings or synthetic. "Grass Roots" magazine has had articles on collecting your own sausage casings, washing them and filling them. But I think you'd have to be the ultimate earth mother plus a fanatic. (Mind you, I'm a person who makes her own pasta, so I shouldn't get too rude about it). I'd be nervous about using chickens as a source, and I'm not sure of the legality of butchering your own if it's much larger. But you can buy in natural casings from the butcher (again, I think you can order them frozen, preservative-free).
Sorry if the topic is a bit gross - I'm farm-raised (as is husband - ag high graduate) and in my day we did butcher our own meat, which is why I was mostly vegetarian as a kid.

In trying to keep our kids preservative-free, colouring/flavouring-free, I've resorted to preparing a lot of meals from scratch, where possible growing my own ingredients. It's not perfect, I just do the best I can. We use what info we have ie caffeinated drinks are a disaster for us, making the boys far worse (easy child 2/difficult child 2 used to be a shocker as well) but the decaf variety are OK (for us). So we have decaf coffee beans (and instant coffee) as well as caffeine-free cola drinks as a treat. The kids have grown up knowing we will try to let them have treats, as long as they don't abuse it and have what they shouldn't, because their behaviour WILL tell us!

The yogurt - what sort? Flavoured? Or plain? Often kids with a dairy problem can still have plain yogurt. Some brands are better than others ie some are loaded with additives, and some aren't. I've made my own yogurt, even my own fruit yogurt (I make my own strawberry syrup which is just strawberries and sugar, gram for gram, which flavours a plain yogurt to make a wonderful strawberry yogurt). I also have recipes which use plain yogurt to great effect.

But in this, we could be heading for Healthful Living territory. I recently placed a lot of these recipes over there if you want some.

Marg

 

[SRL]

It's very common for kids with sensory issues not to want to combine foods, hence the plain bread, dry cereal, etc.

I agree with Marg about when you speak to professionals, be careful not to label either behavior in yourself or your son as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) but to describe symptoms.

 

[Marguerite]

Matty's Mummy, can you check in when you can? From indications you gave about where you live, I suspect you're living in the majority of Queensland that has been hit by the floods. Even if you're not flooded out yourself, I know a lot of the services you rely on will have been knocked out.

If you're OK, we'd love to hear from you so we can be sure.

Marg

 

[Matty's Mummy]

I';m so sorry I hadn';t been back to post.
I just couldn't post anywhere, not my favourite forum nothing. I've been posting back now for about a week.

Anyway
Ok so I went to the next meeting, we talked about why I reacted the way I did. Umm because of how you addressed me

Anyway after we got through that day. They wanted to, go ahead with seeing me, which I want to, but I was on guard so she couldn't upset me lol.

I had to be brave n block out anything that she, might say that would make my anxiety worse. So after that one visit (which was mostly discussing, about the other visit) I figured I'd give her one more chance lol and that was it.

The next visit was only just 2weeks ago. My mother in law had a heart attack so we were away for a while, mother in law is doing great now.

Ok so the next meeting, they say that the one looking after Matt will start seeing him again.

Now that was really strange to me, because, the whole reason they didn't want her to see him way he isn't responding to questioning. well of cause he is 5years old and you cant just say to a 5 year old.

Why do you do x, Matt
So one minute they say, it's best to see me not Matt, but they will work up to building on a relationship with Matt, where it's hoped he will feel comfortable enough to talk..

So there we were, Matt's psychologist had sat in on 2 of my therapy, sessions, never really said anything to me, all she heard was a lot about 10years ago, and my life history and me trying to get help for my anxiety.

Then all of a sudden, she has all she needs from me to start talking with Matt.
Um no, that doesn't seem right to me.

So the visit I just had a asked my therapist (the one who I have the problems with) what she thought.

How now, x thinks she has enough information now, when she hadn't spoken to me about Matt? And when I tried to tell her, about him she cut me off didn't want to know, about him and how he was doing.

In the meantime I have continued to talk to his teacher, he's doing brilliantly in school. And they are looking into getting an Occupational Therapist (OT) for him for his low muscle tone.

Also while this was all happening, the Occupational Therapist (OT) we have been paying privately, to come to our house (as recommended by the Pead, for his low tone and Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) type stuff
) moved away.

I'm waiting on a report that will, give me all the information she has recorded. Cause at the moment I'm like a record player saying, he has sensory problems the Occupational Therapist (OT) hasn't returned my phone calls, hadn't returned my emails the psychologist, I'm seeing, had been getting emails from her, so this just made me more anxious.

I worried she might think I was making it up lol. Lucky another lady from Disabilities was casing on the Occupational Therapist (OT) cause all these other parents hadn't heard from her. It just made me feel not so alone and like a liar.

So finally 2 days ago, I get through to the Occupational Therapist (OT) her world was crashing down on her, and she felt terrible, and I felt for her, but hey a single email saying I'm here I'm getting to you know just something. Maybe she just couldn't deal with all of us that wanted from her.

So back to my visit.

I also told her that, I didn't feel they were listening to me about Matthew. When I first went there I said to them, that he had been doing all these things and that most of them had gone and it was the Pead (pls call her to confirm) that suggested the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and I was just acting because of past history.

Also that the Pead and said once he started school, that it was very possible that it would all stop.

I actually didn't believe her, but it has or rather had (until we pulled him out for 2weeks to go see mother in law in Brisbane, and his routine was tossed aside)

So I went on to say to her, right nothing is going on with Matt, he has one odd thing he does and that is blowing into a cup before he drinks from it, but only if someone drank from it first. That is it! Oh and his bad eating habits, but again he isn't sicking up from the sight of new foods.

So she said to me, that they wouldn't see Matt because they only deal with people , where the behaviour is effecting their daily life, Which it was when I first contacted them.

So that is it, Matt wont be seeing them, which is great because Matt is doing really well. I'm actually very surprised and wish now I had of just not reacted and waited like the Pead said, to see how he did once at school.

I tell you what, after my eldest and me taking to year 5 (11years old) to get him help, cause I was in denial about ADHD I really thought it was the right thing to do to act early. Everything I read says get help early, Early intervention is so important.

But if I had my time again I wouldn't bother, I'd wait until someone else noticed first.

But seriously I know that sounds like bad parenting but it's just not worth it. Plus what help did we get by asking for help? None.

These same lady's and I reminded them to, when I rang when it all started. They said what are you doing? I told them over the phone and they were like you are doing everything we would suggest, we would say try posters on the toilet walls, to distract him, like your doing and x, y and Z.

Then I never had a call from them to find out about him, and net thing they says it's all Learnt behaviour Grr crazy.

Well and as for me, I'm still seeing her, she was actually wonderful last visit, and no, not just because she doesn't want to see Matt lol.

She did say she had been to a seminar, with some guy from the states, that is a psychologist or psychiatrist and she had so much information and idea's to help me with my anxiety it's like she got it lol she even commented on how things went so badly and yeah She got it finally.

Anyway since all this began with them and the Learnt behaviour **** ,I have defiantly felt sad and not liking things I used to. The big word start of depression and I cant stop thinking about how she asked me ;How I felt about having 4 kids with problems.

So now I'm fight back out of mild depression, forcing myself to do the things I know I once liked. and its helping slowly.

thanks again to you all for being here, sorry I hadn't updated sooner.

 

[susiestar]

WOW! IT sure sounds as if you have been through a lot. At least you are now fairly well educated on this stuff? Small compensation, I know.

marg has EXCELLENT advice and insight. She is amazingly helpful at turning adversaries into allies. Her methods may be something to consider.

I don't have specific info for you, but am sending LOTS of support for your entire family.

Could I please ask you to put some spaces between lines in your posts? I have a tough time without spaces between paragraphs. Thank you SO MUCH!

Gentle hugs to all of you!

 

[Matty's Mummy]

Yes done ther are now spaces. sorry i too have problems with reading when there arn't any spaces.

marg has EXCELLENT advice and insight. She is amazingly helpful at turning adversaries into allies. Her methods may be something to consider.

yes I am that is partly why I let her tell me, where she thought we should go next with Matt.

I said to her, I didn’t see the need to pull him from class, for “getting to know them” for just encase things started again.

At the moment his teacher is saying, nothing is going on, he is doing great. His teacher is going to keep in contact with them, and of cause me, if things change.

Anyway she didn’t feel they need to keep seeing him, when he is doing well.
There doesn’t seem to be a need to pull him from class to get to know them because eof his age, he more than likely doesn’t remember doing all that whistling and hand movements as well, he goes to the toilet find now as well. It’s been so long since all that, you know.

Also the phycologist said the most important part (now Matt is doing well) is that I understand that, the things he was doing was all about his way of coping.
She said it’s not always a bad thing, but if it takes over a part of his life again to get help. Which I will.

See the Pead was relaxed she felt it would all go. Once he started school, it’s just I was so concerned… cause I didn’t’ know what was happening to him. I feel a lot better about it now he is doing great…

 

[Marguerite]

I am so glad to hear from you, I was worried that things were a bit diastrous in your vicinity, if you know what I mean. Good to see you back here.

And I'm delighted he's doing well at the moment - perhaps school is giving him the stimulation he craves. I found this with my kids (some of them anyway) - no matter how much effort I put into it, I just couldn't give them enough stimulation. Even as babies. easy child from her first days had a bit of a turn in her eye which seemed to get worse, even when I tried to really give her as much stimulation as possible. Then I had to go back to work when she was 3 months old. And her first day around all those kids and all the noise and bustle in the child care centre - she was focussing on everything, looking around her and the turn was gone! And it wasn't my absence, because I was continuing breastfeeding, so I was with her during my every work break.

As for starting school - only difficult child 1 didn't really seem any different on starting school. With the others, they all drastically settled down, became far less demanding and less difficult. It as only later with the boys, mainly, that problems began to develop. But for other reasons.

So it may simply be that he's getting the structure and extra stimulation from school that at some level he's been craving. Don't see this as a lack in yourself - it's often simply because school is bigger, there are more people, more things to look at and think about, than is ever possible at home.

The way I see it right now - whatever is working, let it continue!

So if he is doing OK, now look after yourself. And if you were at all affected by the catastrophes in your area, consider that it could be a factor in depression. I went through PTSD after some really bad bushfires around the time difficult child 3 was born. It hit me about 6 weeks later, other people all around me went down like ninepins. Some before me, most after me.

Be good to yourself.

Marg

 

[Matty's Mummy]

We weren't effected by the floods thank goodness, bit too far inland.
Yes I'm taking time for me, seen the psychiatrist today.
This was good confirmed my thoughts, that this psychologist was way off, on her thinking of me lol.

I'm so glad I went, feeling heaps better, and it was her that I believed has had a hand in me feeling so darn sad .turning into mild depression .

So I'm talking with him, he is asking me questions, and we spoke briefly about a lot of things,.
Which gave him a good idea of my family history, why my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) came about and lots of other things that have contributed to my anxiety.

Then she says tell him about X and how that came about and how you.
So I did and he was very quick to say, well with all that was happening. He isn't surprised but I in noway have any psychosis and what happened was Normal for the circumstances.

Then she said and tell him about the other X so again I did, and he said well you were half way between dreaming and awake that to is normal.

So my feelings about her trying to make more out of these two situations, was really confirmed to me, that she is way off, and now she has her reassurance that I'm ok.
I could literally see her, feeling at first like he was missing stuff about me. She was desperate for him to know about my dream and how scared I was and for goodness sake, she had me scared cause she was so concerned.

I told him too that I had seen a psychiatrist for 2 years a few years ago. He had no idea, and said to her you really need to just concentrate on Cognitive therapy for her anxiety, her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is not a problem, it takes up a whole of 5mins if that at a time.

So here is hoping that we can just more forward. I could really see that today was more for her, to double check, but seriously couldn't she just take my word for it.

All I went there for was a top up, of cognitive therapy.
I will go back and see him in 2 weeks, to let him know if I want to try some medication, that he feels would make things easier for my anxiety. Either way he didn't care.
I wish I could just see him all the time, phew that would make life easier.

 

[Marguerite]

THat sounds really positive for you all. I'm glad you have found someone you feel is helping. And hey, why on earth could anyone wonder why you might be struggling with a bit of depression? You've got a helluva lot on your plate. I personally have found benefit for me and for difficult child 3, as well as easy child & easy child 2/difficult child 2, with Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.

Good stuff.

I'm glad you weren't personally affected by the floods. Considering more than half the state was underwater, the odds were that you guys WERE affected! Mind you, even if you guys are high and dry, when the rest of the state's infrastructure is a washout it can risk leaving you like a shag on a rock.

Now all we need to do, is see the election results for Ipswich... does the photogenic lady get in or not? One national disaster after another...

Marg

 

[Matty's Mummy]

Now all we need to do, is see the election results for Ipswich... does the photogenic lady get in or not? One national disaster after another

Oh lol really? I haven’t had the TV off Nic Junior
She’s had time in jail! Why would she want to do that to herself again

 

[nvts]

Is it just me or has anyone else noticed that all of our kids "learned behaviors are the rotten ones?

Honestly, have you ever had a professional say "what a polite little boy/girl! What a wonderful learned behavior!"

Some of these people are professionals alright! Professional "what" is the real question!

Sorry you're having such a rotten time!

Beth

 

[Matty's Mummy]

Awww thanks for the laugh . 'hehe to true
i didn't know we had other smilies