Hi I am new and need help, my wife and I are at our wits end
- Thread starter Jim
- Start date
Oh yes Buddy sad but true......You guessed it we live in beautiful San Bernardino county California
SAN BERNARDINO - Parents of children who miss too much school could soon face steep fines and jail time.
The strict state law being enforced by the San Bernardino City Unified School District starting Feb. 15 is one of many new interventions the district has in place to crack down on truancy.
"We are in the business of educating kids for a better society, so we need to have all these kids in school," said Ray Culberson, director of youth services for San Bernardino schools.
The law, which took effect Jan. 1, states that parents or guardians of chronically truant students in kindergarten through 12th grade can face fines of $2,000 or a year of jail time.
The measure was pushed by state Attorney General Kamala Harris while she was still the district attorney in San Francisco.
buddy
New Member
I totally believe you and the reactions you have received from people like the principal. I think a huge majority here can relate to having people say we should just do X Y and Z and you want to say.. GEEEEE I never thought of that! DUH if that would work it would have worked the first, second or thousandth time I tried it.
I was actually on 30 mg daily of Paxil and as I said we have an extensive family history of depression and anti depressant use including several teens and none have had those kinds of withdrawl symptoms...but as I said, it is an individual thing and I dont doubt that there are some that experience that. I have had to go off a course of oxycontin and I promise you THAT was much worse and I went very very very slowly off of that---much more slowly than I went off the Paxil.
I certainly was not saying that YOU need to cope better..those books really do address just what you said....Ideas for how to actually deal with specific situations and to help teach kids who are often very oppositional. We really do know what it is like to have tried so much and it doesn't work. If you are saying you still want to try things, then ideas like in those books may be worth a try. If you feel letting go and allowing him to learn through natural/imposed outside consequences is the next logical step then I certainly support that too.... YOU live it...so you know where you are on that journey. You say you are worried about his delicate response to a therapeutic placement, but at the same time you are considering letting go and letting him face the consequences until he is ready to change (which could be the best choice for him for sure, I sincerely have not lived that road and I 100% believe that those who have walked that path can best help you face that decision, they really do understand that)...I can only imagine that jail/prison will be very hard on his system too. It is such a tough decision you are facing and no matter your choices, I for one support it... if you are looking for ideas we will share but as with all of us, if it does not fit, no problem....every family is different. I really feel badly for you and your wife and all that you have struggled through.
I was actually on 30 mg daily of Paxil and as I said we have an extensive family history of depression and anti depressant use including several teens and none have had those kinds of withdrawl symptoms...but as I said, it is an individual thing and I dont doubt that there are some that experience that. I have had to go off a course of oxycontin and I promise you THAT was much worse and I went very very very slowly off of that---much more slowly than I went off the Paxil.
I certainly was not saying that YOU need to cope better..those books really do address just what you said....Ideas for how to actually deal with specific situations and to help teach kids who are often very oppositional. We really do know what it is like to have tried so much and it doesn't work. If you are saying you still want to try things, then ideas like in those books may be worth a try. If you feel letting go and allowing him to learn through natural/imposed outside consequences is the next logical step then I certainly support that too.... YOU live it...so you know where you are on that journey. You say you are worried about his delicate response to a therapeutic placement, but at the same time you are considering letting go and letting him face the consequences until he is ready to change (which could be the best choice for him for sure, I sincerely have not lived that road and I 100% believe that those who have walked that path can best help you face that decision, they really do understand that)...I can only imagine that jail/prison will be very hard on his system too. It is such a tough decision you are facing and no matter your choices, I for one support it... if you are looking for ideas we will share but as with all of us, if it does not fit, no problem....every family is different. I really feel badly for you and your wife and all that you have struggled through.
AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
Jim,
I've not read all the responses. I tried to, but got pulled away for work and then came back and have no idea where I left off. So, just my $0.02...
I was really really really really anti medications. Jett's bio mom had him put on Concerta, which didn't work so the dose was doubled, which still didn't work so the dose was tripled. Then he came to live with husband and I, and we got help from a new pediatrician, and got him weaned off it. The problem? HORRIBLE behavior.
She put Onyxx on multiple medications at the same time, and they didn't work... They pretty much cancelled each other out.
I'm a person who would rather suffer through a headache than take anything for it, unless it is a migraine.
Onyxx popped ibuprofen like candy. Then she decided they don't work for her headaches, so she went to acetominophen, which also didn't work. Her doctor put her on naproxen (a HUGE dose) - and told her to take them as needed, of course, those didn't work either. (in my opinion, her headaches are being caused by her not sleeping.) doctor did tell her sleep would help, and she pretty much told him he had no idea what he was talking about. Her stomach is (probably permanently) messed up so she takes Zantac, but it's not working so she wants a higher dose. We had to lock up all cold medications, painkillers etc. because she was abusing anything she could get her hands on.
You can see why I'm not thrilled about medications...
But...
When she was on Risperidone, and actually taking it, she slept, AND her behavior was not so violent...
AND... I've tried (for myself) Zoloft (no effect), Wellbutrin (I didn't even want to be around myself, I was homicidal, and I am NOT JOKING), and Lexapro... Which was... Like heaven. For me, it was temporary. But it changed things SO MUCH, I was able to work things out WITHIN myself.
The fact is, some of us have messed up brain chemistry, and it takes a chemical to straighten things out. Sure, they have side effects, some of which are pretty harsh. But - my husband has nerve damage - and is on a daily narcotic. Sure, his life is probably not going to be as long as we'd like, but the quality is a lot better than him ALWAYS in pain. (I've seen what happened with Onyxx swiped them and he ran out. UGLY.)
I can't tell you what exactly will work for your son... I'm not a higher power, though it sure would make things easier! I can say, though, that all of us here have a kid or kids that just don't fit into the "normal" mold and we have all had to change a lot of thinking (not always our own, either).
I've not read all the responses. I tried to, but got pulled away for work and then came back and have no idea where I left off. So, just my $0.02...
I was really really really really anti medications. Jett's bio mom had him put on Concerta, which didn't work so the dose was doubled, which still didn't work so the dose was tripled. Then he came to live with husband and I, and we got help from a new pediatrician, and got him weaned off it. The problem? HORRIBLE behavior.
She put Onyxx on multiple medications at the same time, and they didn't work... They pretty much cancelled each other out.
I'm a person who would rather suffer through a headache than take anything for it, unless it is a migraine.
Onyxx popped ibuprofen like candy. Then she decided they don't work for her headaches, so she went to acetominophen, which also didn't work. Her doctor put her on naproxen (a HUGE dose) - and told her to take them as needed, of course, those didn't work either. (in my opinion, her headaches are being caused by her not sleeping.) doctor did tell her sleep would help, and she pretty much told him he had no idea what he was talking about. Her stomach is (probably permanently) messed up so she takes Zantac, but it's not working so she wants a higher dose. We had to lock up all cold medications, painkillers etc. because she was abusing anything she could get her hands on.
You can see why I'm not thrilled about medications...
But...
When she was on Risperidone, and actually taking it, she slept, AND her behavior was not so violent...
AND... I've tried (for myself) Zoloft (no effect), Wellbutrin (I didn't even want to be around myself, I was homicidal, and I am NOT JOKING), and Lexapro... Which was... Like heaven. For me, it was temporary. But it changed things SO MUCH, I was able to work things out WITHIN myself.
The fact is, some of us have messed up brain chemistry, and it takes a chemical to straighten things out. Sure, they have side effects, some of which are pretty harsh. But - my husband has nerve damage - and is on a daily narcotic. Sure, his life is probably not going to be as long as we'd like, but the quality is a lot better than him ALWAYS in pain. (I've seen what happened with Onyxx swiped them and he ran out. UGLY.)
I can't tell you what exactly will work for your son... I'm not a higher power, though it sure would make things easier! I can say, though, that all of us here have a kid or kids that just don't fit into the "normal" mold and we have all had to change a lot of thinking (not always our own, either).
Thanks Step, I am only against a few certain types of medications for my son, mainly because I see the aftermath of there effects and a history of Parkinson's but a huge hurdle for us is he wont take them, he does take his zoloft because it takes away the anxiety from hanging out with his pals, but if we said here take this for your behavioral problem, he would say "I don't have a behavioral problem" I understand part of ODD/CD is denial.Jim,
I've not read all the responses. I tried to, but got pulled away for work and then came back and have no idea where I left off. So, just my $0.02...
I was really really really really anti medications. Jett's bio mom had him put on Concerta, which didn't work so the dose was doubled, which still didn't work so the dose was tripled. Then he came to live with husband and I, and we got help from a new pediatrician, and got him weaned off it. The problem? HORRIBLE behavior.
She put Onyxx on multiple medications at the same time, and they didn't work... They pretty much cancelled each other out.
I'm a person who would rather suffer through a headache than take anything for it, unless it is a migraine.
Onyxx popped ibuprofen like candy. Then she decided they don't work for her headaches, so she went to acetominophen, which also didn't work. Her doctor put her on naproxen (a HUGE dose) - and told her to take them as needed, of course, those didn't work either. (in my opinion, her headaches are being caused by her not sleeping.) doctor did tell her sleep would help, and she pretty much told him he had no idea what he was talking about. Her stomach is (probably permanently) messed up so she takes Zantac, but it's not working so she wants a higher dose. We had to lock up all cold medications, painkillers etc. because she was abusing anything she could get her hands on.
You can see why I'm not thrilled about medications...
But...
When she was on Risperidone, and actually taking it, she slept, AND her behavior was not so violent...
AND... I've tried (for myself) Zoloft (no effect), Wellbutrin (I didn't even want to be around myself, I was homicidal, and I am NOT JOKING), and Lexapro... Which was... Like heaven. For me, it was temporary. But it changed things SO MUCH, I was able to work things out WITHIN myself.
The fact is, some of us have messed up brain chemistry, and it takes a chemical to straighten things out. Sure, they have side effects, some of which are pretty harsh. But - my husband has nerve damage - and is on a daily narcotic. Sure, his life is probably not going to be as long as we'd like, but the quality is a lot better than him ALWAYS in pain. (I've seen what happened with Onyxx swiped them and he ran out. UGLY.)
I can't tell you what exactly will work for your son... I'm not a higher power, though it sure would make things easier! I can say, though, that all of us here have a kid or kids that just don't fit into the "normal" mold and we have all had to change a lot of thinking (not always our own, either).
I understand the imbalance issues as well, my wife is that girl in the TV commercial, where its all sunny around her, but she's carrying an umbrella cause its raining on her. her depression is clinical, there's no talking her out of it, she used to take prozac and that made her nuts now is on zoloft and that works for her, she's not out dancing but no longer wants to blow her brains out.
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H
HaoZi
Guest
*flashbulb moment*
Jim, you mentioned he uses a lot of protein shakes/bars. Creatine overdose is something else you might want to look into, and some of those are contaminated with heavy metals, which can cause behavioral problems. Not to lay one more problem at your door, but it might be worth a look into having his blood levels checked for things the doctor might not have considered him at risk for.
Jim, you mentioned he uses a lot of protein shakes/bars. Creatine overdose is something else you might want to look into, and some of those are contaminated with heavy metals, which can cause behavioral problems. Not to lay one more problem at your door, but it might be worth a look into having his blood levels checked for things the doctor might not have considered him at risk for.
Thanks buddy and to all for your thoughts, Buddy I was just implying me being able to cope is not my main concern, my cage is not easily rattled, I love my son dearly and just want to free him from this hell he is going through as he knows his behavior is detrimental to his well being and is not happy about it, its very strange, its like if he was me and I put my hand in fire I would get burnt and not do it again, but he persists on putting his hand in the fire knowing full well he will get burned (did that even make any sense)
jim
Yes I have thought of that Hao, great response by the way, he did have a normal blood panel about 6 months ago, and has been on this health bar/shake/drink kick for about a year.
But that doesn't explain the other 16 years of his life.
Thank you for your insightful response I will try and watch and see if I notice anything better or worse.
jim
But that doesn't explain the other 16 years of his life.
Thank you for your insightful response I will try and watch and see if I notice anything better or worse.
jim
Thats funny you mentioned homicidal, my son took 3 low dozes of the paxil and said some kid was tapping his foot in class and he wanted to pick up a desk and beat the kid with it, and one thing my son is not yet is violent to others,(knock on wood) he is the mental abuser, he has broken things in his room (that belong to him) since he is very intelligent his forte is to prove others wrong, in a spiteful mannerJim,
I've not read all the responses. I tried to, but got pulled away for work and then came back and have no idea where I left off. So, just my $0.02...
I was really really really really anti medications. Jett's bio mom had him put on Concerta, which didn't work so the dose was doubled, which still didn't work so the dose was tripled. Then he came to live with husband and I, and we got help from a new pediatrician, and got him weaned off it. The problem? HORRIBLE behavior.
She put Onyxx on multiple medications at the same time, and they didn't work... They pretty much cancelled each other out.
I'm a person who would rather suffer through a headache than take anything for it, unless it is a migraine.
Onyxx popped ibuprofen like candy. Then she decided they don't work for her headaches, so she went to acetominophen, which also didn't work. Her doctor put her on naproxen (a HUGE dose) - and told her to take them as needed, of course, those didn't work either. (in my opinion, her headaches are being caused by her not sleeping.) doctor did tell her sleep would help, and she pretty much told him he had no idea what he was talking about. Her stomach is (probably permanently) messed up so she takes Zantac, but it's not working so she wants a higher dose. We had to lock up all cold medications, painkillers etc. because she was abusing anything she could get her hands on.
You can see why I'm not thrilled about medications...
But...
When she was on Risperidone, and actually taking it, she slept, AND her behavior was not so violent...
AND... I've tried (for myself) Zoloft (no effect), Wellbutrin (I didn't even want to be around myself, I was homicidal, and I am NOT JOKING), and Lexapro... Which was... Like heaven. For me, it was temporary. But it changed things SO MUCH, I was able to work things out WITHIN myself.
The fact is, some of us have messed up brain chemistry, and it takes a chemical to straighten things out. Sure, they have side effects, some of which are pretty harsh. But - my husband has nerve damage - and is on a daily narcotic. Sure, his life is probably not going to be as long as we'd like, but the quality is a lot better than him ALWAYS in pain. (I've seen what happened with Onyxx swiped them and he ran out. UGLY.)
I can't tell you what exactly will work for your son... I'm not a higher power, though it sure would make things easier! I can say, though, that all of us here have a kid or kids that just don't fit into the "normal" mold and we have all had to change a lot of thinking (not always our own, either).
Hey Step, to lighten things up is Onyxx single, sounds like her and my son are a match made in heaven
H
HaoZi
Guest
I can hear the "Mother's Curse" at work already (i.e. the "I hope you have children that act like you act..." curse)
Thats hilarious Hao, when I would act up as a kid my mom would say "I cant wait till you have kids"
H
HaoZi
Guest
I call my Dad and the reply I get is "Yep, sounds familiar..."
Mama Raygun
New Member
Paxil patients don't recieve methadone because the withdrawl is obviously not as bad as with an opiate type substance.
I agree, but a nice dose of methadone would help this paxil patient, to bad she has to rough it out, and thank god its not cold turkey, or she would be balled up on the floor loosing her mind as with the many intakes that come across my desk, some folks it just don't agree with.
"I've tried to get off Paxil recently and had the WORST problems. After researching and talking to people who have gotten off (or tried to get off) of the drug I am horrified that Paxil is still being prescribed. I am also AMAZED that a DOCTOR would actually say that this isn't dangerous, or that it isn't the PAXIL!?!? Are you kidding? How much were you paid to say that? Paxil DID help with my panic attacks. Did not cure or stop them, but helped. Then getting off of it, or trying to was ABSOLUTE HELL! I can't walk because I'm so dizzy I can't keep my balance. My head feels foggy and cloudy. My head also hurts and it feels like someone keeps hammering a nail into my eyes. I cannot read a book or focus on the computer screen. I get confused and do not understand even the simplest of things. I am 27, smart, in shape and fast- paced. When trying to slowly wean off of this drug - I become slow and confused. Also, I become nauseous, the lights around become extremely bright. I cannot stand the lights even in my house. I have to squint and then even cover my eyes. I become emotional -- overly overly emotional. I become paranoid and scared and start to panic because I see shadows out of the corners of my eyes. Then I try to go to work and I can't correctly hear or understand what people are saying to me. I feel like I'm watching a movie or it is a dream. I start to wonder if I'm losing my mind. I start sweating in my own house (that I always keep at 60 degrees) and have to go outside in the 30 degree weather with a tank top on. That is if I don't fall down the steps from the dizziness or the shocks in my head. I became extremely angry and irritated".
TerryJ2
Well-Known Member
Welcome, Jim.
I hear you, about your son knowing that he's in charge (haha) and being so precocious so young. And I hear you about clueless teachers (and other parents, which you didn't mention, but whom I'm sure have made comments) and who don't have a clue.
I'm thinking that it's kind of a moot point whether he should be on medications if he won't take them anyway, Know what I mean?? It took us yrs to get our son to take his medications with-o argument and even now that he's 15, he'll argue that it's not "Exactly" 8:30 or whatever time he thinks he's supposed to take them. Some of it is his diagnosis (Asperger's) and some of it is wanting to always be in control.
The one thing about these kids is that they don't live in our world. Their view of achievement, accomplishment and how others see us is totally skewed.
I know how frustrating it is that your son can get straight A's, but couldn't care less. We have the same problem. I have to tell him through gritted teeth, "I am proud of you," when he gets one A, and I actually want to wring his neck, lol!
At this point, he's nearly an adult, but one thing I would suggest is that he is emotionally very far behind. I would suggest creating a different scenario in your mind, where he is a 6-yr-old genius, with-no idea of consequences. Because I think that part of his brain is not developed. Did the psychiatric or neuropsychologist talk about that at all?
Do you have other children? Aside from depression, are there other issues in the family tree? A lot of our kids are affected by genetic issues, which are exacerbated by allergies. It can be a food allergy that does not present as a rash, but as a behavior issue. The underlying issue will always be there, but can be coped with-more easily if the allergen is removed. More on that later.
I'm glad you're ordering that book, and there are many others that we recommend. I think there's a forum here that lists books but I can't remember which one! Mostly I stay on this page, and occasionally go to the watercooler, or substance abuse.
I agree with-others who posted that your son needs to experience natural consequences. Just talking doesn't work for him. For whatever reason, he can't extrapolate what-ifs, and doesn't understand social consequences. He has to learn that it isn't just that "You don't steal a $2 item when you've got $100 in your pocket because it's wrong and bad," but that something bad will happen to him that will make him remember it the next time he wants to steal a $2 item. Such as, sitting in juvie next to a smelly jerk who urinates on the wall. (Assuming that would bother him.) Or at least, losing his freedom. And losing the respect or desire of the girls at school who are interested in him, because they don't want to hang out with-guys who've been in JD.
I would keep my voice well modulated, and just follow through with-consequences. He's going to react strongly at first, maybe even physically, saying it isn't fair and he didn't get any warning. But stand your ground and he will learn that you mean it. At least, I hope so.
I hear you, about your son knowing that he's in charge (haha) and being so precocious so young. And I hear you about clueless teachers (and other parents, which you didn't mention, but whom I'm sure have made comments) and who don't have a clue.
I'm thinking that it's kind of a moot point whether he should be on medications if he won't take them anyway, Know what I mean?? It took us yrs to get our son to take his medications with-o argument and even now that he's 15, he'll argue that it's not "Exactly" 8:30 or whatever time he thinks he's supposed to take them. Some of it is his diagnosis (Asperger's) and some of it is wanting to always be in control.
The one thing about these kids is that they don't live in our world. Their view of achievement, accomplishment and how others see us is totally skewed.
I know how frustrating it is that your son can get straight A's, but couldn't care less. We have the same problem. I have to tell him through gritted teeth, "I am proud of you," when he gets one A, and I actually want to wring his neck, lol!
At this point, he's nearly an adult, but one thing I would suggest is that he is emotionally very far behind. I would suggest creating a different scenario in your mind, where he is a 6-yr-old genius, with-no idea of consequences. Because I think that part of his brain is not developed. Did the psychiatric or neuropsychologist talk about that at all?
Do you have other children? Aside from depression, are there other issues in the family tree? A lot of our kids are affected by genetic issues, which are exacerbated by allergies. It can be a food allergy that does not present as a rash, but as a behavior issue. The underlying issue will always be there, but can be coped with-more easily if the allergen is removed. More on that later.
I'm glad you're ordering that book, and there are many others that we recommend. I think there's a forum here that lists books but I can't remember which one! Mostly I stay on this page, and occasionally go to the watercooler, or substance abuse.
I agree with-others who posted that your son needs to experience natural consequences. Just talking doesn't work for him. For whatever reason, he can't extrapolate what-ifs, and doesn't understand social consequences. He has to learn that it isn't just that "You don't steal a $2 item when you've got $100 in your pocket because it's wrong and bad," but that something bad will happen to him that will make him remember it the next time he wants to steal a $2 item. Such as, sitting in juvie next to a smelly jerk who urinates on the wall. (Assuming that would bother him.) Or at least, losing his freedom. And losing the respect or desire of the girls at school who are interested in him, because they don't want to hang out with-guys who've been in JD.
I would keep my voice well modulated, and just follow through with-consequences. He's going to react strongly at first, maybe even physically, saying it isn't fair and he didn't get any warning. But stand your ground and he will learn that you mean it. At least, I hope so.
tiredmommy
Well-Known Member
Jim~ what were his behaviors like when he was a baby? Any health issues? How was the pregnancy, delivery and your wife's postpartum health? I ask because my child is proof positive that behavior can be shaped by physical health issues.
My Duckie is 11 and has always been difficult. The only psychological/behavior disorder she's been diagnosis'd with is ODD (at age 3). She does have some symptoms of anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), but her doctors don't feel her symptoms are at a clinical level. My daughter, however, has matched almost every symptom you listed for your son (switch manipulation for aggression and minor developmental delays for academic problems and we'd have a perfect match).
She had issues right off the bat. Cried incessantly, had invisible reflux (no spitting up), uneven developmental, frequent colds etc. She was miserable and I was overwhelmed because she didn't sleep through the night until 19 months. My husband was convinced she'd be institutionalized as as adult by age three. She was... angry. She was mean to our pets to punish us. Would walk up to me, smile and say "I hate you". She broke her door frame from repeatedly slamming it one afternoon. The only saving grace we had when she was little was that her hands were weak so we could use baby gates to keep her and our cats safe longer than most parents could. I was really frightened for her future.
Now, my difficult child is a minor difficult child compared to lots of other kids here (at least right now... puberty is knocking on our door), but we had a few things that brought some real improvement. You need to remember that whether a behavior is maladaptive or not that it will become that child's normal behavior if it persists long enough. And we knew that natural consequences, setting high standards and keeping a predictable schedule would work to all our benefit. Our first improvement happened when she was four and we were awakened to her screaming and crying at 5:30AM (10/8/2005 was the scariest day of my life). Her hands and feet had swollen up horribly overnight. To give you an idea of how bad it was: her lower legs were so swollen that the elastic in her socks left bruises above her ankles. That's when we discovered that what our family doctor thought were simple seasonal allergies were actually extremely bad. My daughter had been sick almost every day of her life. She was miserable. Things improved, they weren't great but we had hope.
Then, she became quite ill in 1st grade and had a cough that wouldn't resolve. Her teacher was concerned because it seemed like a nervous cough. I posted here about it and fellow moderator (SRL) told me to have her checked for asthma. My daughter had never wheezed once in her life, despite all her other issues, but I felt we had nothing to lose. It turns out she had cough variant asthma (CVA), and she had been in the midst of a pretty bad asthma attack for a few weeks. Her demeanor again improved as her health improved and she was sleeping better for the first time in her life. But she was still very difficult and demanding.
We started addressing some of her uneven development and discovered she had hyper-mobile joints and a visual processing deficit. Again, she showed some improvement as she learned to master her body and feel less frustrated, but it wasn't enough. She still suffered a little socially and often over-reacted with friends.
Then last year, she had a major meltdown in school. Teacher was actually concerned that Duckie was going to hurt herself: things had been ramping up for weeks: classroom was a pressure cooker of loud and difficult kids, social requirements from the other girls were sky high and she had been feeling sickly and off-center since being exposed and treated for a nasty strep infection a few weeks before. She was like a caged animal: pacing, angry, crying, defiant, overwhelmed. The school counselor spoke with her and had the school Occupational Therapist (OT) talk with me (she knew Duckie from 1st and 2ND grade). She suggested a private Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation. The private Occupational Therapist (OT) found that Duckie suffered from sensory processing disorder and was ready to jump out of her skin. We followed the Wilbarger Protocol to help train her senses to be better regulated and the improvement has been outstanding.
Is she still difficult and demanding? Yes. But we can all live together in relative peace most of the time and we're better equipped to help guide her through the rough patches now.
My Duckie is 11 and has always been difficult. The only psychological/behavior disorder she's been diagnosis'd with is ODD (at age 3). She does have some symptoms of anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), but her doctors don't feel her symptoms are at a clinical level. My daughter, however, has matched almost every symptom you listed for your son (switch manipulation for aggression and minor developmental delays for academic problems and we'd have a perfect match).
She had issues right off the bat. Cried incessantly, had invisible reflux (no spitting up), uneven developmental, frequent colds etc. She was miserable and I was overwhelmed because she didn't sleep through the night until 19 months. My husband was convinced she'd be institutionalized as as adult by age three. She was... angry. She was mean to our pets to punish us. Would walk up to me, smile and say "I hate you". She broke her door frame from repeatedly slamming it one afternoon. The only saving grace we had when she was little was that her hands were weak so we could use baby gates to keep her and our cats safe longer than most parents could. I was really frightened for her future.
Now, my difficult child is a minor difficult child compared to lots of other kids here (at least right now... puberty is knocking on our door), but we had a few things that brought some real improvement. You need to remember that whether a behavior is maladaptive or not that it will become that child's normal behavior if it persists long enough. And we knew that natural consequences, setting high standards and keeping a predictable schedule would work to all our benefit. Our first improvement happened when she was four and we were awakened to her screaming and crying at 5:30AM (10/8/2005 was the scariest day of my life). Her hands and feet had swollen up horribly overnight. To give you an idea of how bad it was: her lower legs were so swollen that the elastic in her socks left bruises above her ankles. That's when we discovered that what our family doctor thought were simple seasonal allergies were actually extremely bad. My daughter had been sick almost every day of her life. She was miserable. Things improved, they weren't great but we had hope.
Then, she became quite ill in 1st grade and had a cough that wouldn't resolve. Her teacher was concerned because it seemed like a nervous cough. I posted here about it and fellow moderator (SRL) told me to have her checked for asthma. My daughter had never wheezed once in her life, despite all her other issues, but I felt we had nothing to lose. It turns out she had cough variant asthma (CVA), and she had been in the midst of a pretty bad asthma attack for a few weeks. Her demeanor again improved as her health improved and she was sleeping better for the first time in her life. But she was still very difficult and demanding.
We started addressing some of her uneven development and discovered she had hyper-mobile joints and a visual processing deficit. Again, she showed some improvement as she learned to master her body and feel less frustrated, but it wasn't enough. She still suffered a little socially and often over-reacted with friends.
Then last year, she had a major meltdown in school. Teacher was actually concerned that Duckie was going to hurt herself: things had been ramping up for weeks: classroom was a pressure cooker of loud and difficult kids, social requirements from the other girls were sky high and she had been feeling sickly and off-center since being exposed and treated for a nasty strep infection a few weeks before. She was like a caged animal: pacing, angry, crying, defiant, overwhelmed. The school counselor spoke with her and had the school Occupational Therapist (OT) talk with me (she knew Duckie from 1st and 2ND grade). She suggested a private Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation. The private Occupational Therapist (OT) found that Duckie suffered from sensory processing disorder and was ready to jump out of her skin. We followed the Wilbarger Protocol to help train her senses to be better regulated and the improvement has been outstanding.
Is she still difficult and demanding? Yes. But we can all live together in relative peace most of the time and we're better equipped to help guide her through the rough patches now.
SearchingForRainbows
Active Member
Natural consequences are the only ones that made any sort of a difference in both difficult child 1 and difficult child 2's behaviors. There were absolutely no consequences we could give either one of them that made even the slightest difference in their negative behaviors. The only thing we accomplished using this technique, was having to deal with extreme "melt-downs," complete with throwing, breaking items, (sometimes physical violence) and verbalizing that could last for hours on end. This doesn't mean we never handed out consequences but we tried to pick our battles carefully.
When we tried to talk to difficult child 1, he intentionally tried to get us angry by attempting to turn our talks into arguments or by twisting the meaning of what we said. If difficult child 1 thought he was getting any sort of a rise out of us, he used to start smiling. He enjoyed it! He admitted much later in a therapy session that he liked to get us angry/sad when he was bored. He said this made things much more interesting.
One of the best tdocs difficult child 1 had, said that when difficult child 1 is at his "difficult child best," talking to him is useless. He isn't listening to what we're saying. As well as remaining unemotional, we should limit sentences to no more than 5 or 6 words. I agree with Terry that things might get worse at first, but given time and consistency, he'll figure out that you mean what you say. Once that "lightbulb" moment struck, difficult child 1 used to tell me that I "was no fun anymore."
Just my thoughts, what worked for us. SFR
