Snow White
On the Mad Tea Party Ride
Clearly, I can't see the forest for the trees. The past week has been a bit of a blur following daughter's last rant. Husband and I are working on detachment. I have a doctor's appointment in early December and am asking for a referral for counselling for us.
As I reviewed the detachment post over and over again, all of a sudden it came to me. I DO KNOW HOW to detach and I have done it in the past (so has my husband) - it just didn't come to me. My father was an alcoholic and had undiagnosed mental illness (he would have infrequent psychotic episodes). My parents first separated when I was 8 years old and my dad's drinking became problematic. He started AA almost immediately. After a year of sobriety, they reconciled and all was pretty stable until I turned 17, he started drinking again and my parents split and divorced. He lost his job and the home I grew up in. I had limited contact over the next few years as the alcoholism started taking over the father I once knew and loved. He became mean and abusive. I detached then and had very limited contact with him - only when he was sober. He chose to ignore my wedding and never saw his grandchildren. When he died of intestinal cancer in 1996, I was contacted by the coroner's office (he had listed no next of kin when in palliative care).
My husband detached 20 years ago from his sister, who has Bipolar disorder. She knew every button to push with my husband and after years of growing up with this, he was ready to sever the ties. She lives only a few miles from us yet we never see her.
So, now that we have confirmed that we know how to detach, why is it so different to master this technique with our children? We are struggling to work this out but I know we will. One day at a time. One step at a time.
Daughter called today. Accusing me of telling people what country she is in now and that people she doesn't know are trying to email her. Told her I have said nothing. She then started revisiting her email rant, telling me, "I'm going to talk right now.....and you're going to listen." I told her I already received that email, that I was busy at work and hanging up. And I did. She called back again; told me she didn't want a relationship and before the abuse could start, I told her once again that I was very busy at work and needed to say goodbye. She did not call back a third time. Then I left my office and got a caramel latte. Not going to have my Friday/weekend ruined.
As I reviewed the detachment post over and over again, all of a sudden it came to me. I DO KNOW HOW to detach and I have done it in the past (so has my husband) - it just didn't come to me. My father was an alcoholic and had undiagnosed mental illness (he would have infrequent psychotic episodes). My parents first separated when I was 8 years old and my dad's drinking became problematic. He started AA almost immediately. After a year of sobriety, they reconciled and all was pretty stable until I turned 17, he started drinking again and my parents split and divorced. He lost his job and the home I grew up in. I had limited contact over the next few years as the alcoholism started taking over the father I once knew and loved. He became mean and abusive. I detached then and had very limited contact with him - only when he was sober. He chose to ignore my wedding and never saw his grandchildren. When he died of intestinal cancer in 1996, I was contacted by the coroner's office (he had listed no next of kin when in palliative care).
My husband detached 20 years ago from his sister, who has Bipolar disorder. She knew every button to push with my husband and after years of growing up with this, he was ready to sever the ties. She lives only a few miles from us yet we never see her.
So, now that we have confirmed that we know how to detach, why is it so different to master this technique with our children? We are struggling to work this out but I know we will. One day at a time. One step at a time.
Daughter called today. Accusing me of telling people what country she is in now and that people she doesn't know are trying to email her. Told her I have said nothing. She then started revisiting her email rant, telling me, "I'm going to talk right now.....and you're going to listen." I told her I already received that email, that I was busy at work and hanging up. And I did. She called back again; told me she didn't want a relationship and before the abuse could start, I told her once again that I was very busy at work and needed to say goodbye. She did not call back a third time. Then I left my office and got a caramel latte. Not going to have my Friday/weekend ruined.
