Our son went no contact with us back in Spetember after a fight with his mother. We hadn't heard from him, I had no interest in talking to him, and although she was tempted several times, his mother never called him. Then November rolls around and we start to discuss Thanksgiving. My wife insisted that he not be left out of our plans, so she called him and invited him. He said that maybe he would come. My wife really wanted him here since his overbearing ex-wife insisted that all major holidays were celebrated with her family. This was always a big sticking point with my wife that our son was basically not allowed to attend holiday dinners with his family. The only time we saw them was on Christmas eve when they had dinner at their house. Except for us, all of the guests were her family. But Thanksgiving, Christmas Day, and Easter were all about her family every year.
My wife called our son on Wednesday and he wasn't commited to coming. On Thanksgiving morning he finally agreed to come to dinner. I made the half hour drive out to the middle of nowhere where he is currently living. I called him before I left to let him know I was on the way, called him again five minutes before I arrived, but he still made me wait 15 minutes in his driveway. Normally this would have gotten things off to a bad start, especially since he seemed wasted to me. I figured he kept me waiting while he was shooting up or snorting or whatever he was doing to get his fix these days. His speech was slow and a bit slurred, to me it seemed like he was high. But I made not a comment about his making me wait or his seeming to be f'ed up. Acceptance really is freeing. I don't like that he is inconsiderate in not being on time, I don't like that he's not sober on his way to a family function with his parents and grandparents, but you know what? He's an adult, and I need to just accept his behavior and do my best to minimize the family drama at all costs.
The ride home was pretty good. We mostly talked about his job. He's doing construction work and it sounds like his boss really likes him. He says his boss has taken him under his wing and is teaching him a lot. That's good to hear because learning a trade can be a good thing for him, and since his boss pays him under the table, I doubt that this is the kind of company that has a drug policy. It sounds like as long as he shows up for work and does his job, everything will be okay. He hates where he lives, but acknowledges that at least he has a roof over his head.
At dinner it was only us and his grandparents. Most of our relatives (siblings, neices, nephews) have moved out of state and do their own thing for the Holidays. Dinner went better than expected. The conversation was light and jovial and his life or his problems never came up as a topic of conversation. The only thing I noticed was that he nodded off briefly at the table near the end of dinner.
After dinner he told us that he was still in contact with his 20 year old girlfriend. Not sure if they actually see each other or how since they live an hour apart from each other and neither one of them have a car. He said that she has managed to hold down her job at Starbucks for two months and that she has been clean and attending regular meetings. He told us that they have a joint bank account together and have managed to save $1000 that they plan to use to either buy a car or get an apartment together. I'm not sure I believe any of it, and even if it is true, I think it is stupid having a joint bank account with another junkie who lives an hour away, but I simply smiled and said "That's great", if for no other reason than to not make his mother upset and ruin what was otherwise a much better holiday than expected. His mother and grandparents were all very happy to see him. Either the drugs were starting to wear off and he needed another fix, or he felt about uncomfortable around family, but about 20 minutes after dinner he told us that he needed to go home. Some story about how he had a long day of work tomorrow and he wanted to get ready and get some rest. So I drove him home. As he got out of the car I simply told him to take care of himself and stay out of trouble. And that in a nutshell was how our Thanksgiving went. It was a good time.
Acceptance is very freeing. Detachment is about so much more than not enabling another person. It is about freedom from the mental slavery and antics of another person. Again, I don't condone or support what my son is doing. This is not the life his parents or grandparents wished for him. I won't financially support him or give him a roof over his head. He's an adult, and whatever he decides to do, he, and he alone has to own his choices, they are not our burden to bear. My son is never going to be a Doctor, Lawyer, or CEO, or probably what most people consider to be a "normal" member of society. That is simply the way it is, and trying to change that is pointless and destructive. He's 31 years old, and it's all up to him. IF he HONESTLY wants to change, we have made it clear that were are always here to help and support him in any way possible. We would even go so far as to give him money for a car or an apartment of his own, but only if he entered rehab. Living with us is out of the question if for no other reason than for the past 8 years it has just been the wife, myself, and the dog and I personally am happy with it that way and don't want any roommates. Acceptance takes the power away from our son to effect our lives in a negative way. I will not let his bad choices or negative beahvior cause me stress or anger. He is who he is, I can't change it, I can't fight it, the best I can do is go with the flow and I feel so much better about that.
As far as our relationship goes, it is what it is. If I never talked to my son again I really am okay with that. If he wants to have a relationship, I will not shut him out, but at the same time I have absolutely no plans to actively try and rebuild any sort of father son relationship. I need to move on and keep living my own life and finding my own happiness. If he wants a relationship, he knows where to find us.
I feel like this Thanksgiving has brought about a kind of sense of closure. My son is a 31 year old screw up heroin addict, but he is still my son. As sad as it is, I can't change him. I can't force him to stop the drugs and I can't force him to live the kind of life that society deems normal. The best I can do is accept that he is who he is until HE wants to change his life for HIMSELF and not judge him at every opportunity I get.
Of course the other visitor is the girlfriend which is not good news. But we had an ok convo about it and I just need to keep reminding myself that my role at this point is to let him know we love and support him, and his choices are his choices and my job at this point is to stay out of the way of his treatment whatever it is.
It was genuinely nice to spend time with his family. easy child GD drove me to her apartment so I could see where "she lives now" close to the campus but not on campus. I had never seen an apt. designed for roommates before. It was cool. Two story building with one large br/bath and lg. with-i closet with build in desk downstairs and two upstairs. The three girls share the common areas and have a deadbolt for their individual rooms. It was spacious and there is a huge pool area as well as other separate entertainment sections. I would LOVE to live there, lol.
