How do I deal with an ungreatful, moody adult daughter?

[Sibbiesmith]

Thank you so much for your reply! Yes, my husband is her father. You're right, she is a spoiled brat and I'm to blame for that. I just love her so much and want to be a part of her life, but I can't make her want us and respect us. I was so looking forward to having a great adult relationship with her and I'm so excited for my first grandson. I suppose I will head home as planned and just lay low. She is very mature in all other aspects - I think/thought. I'm sitting out on her porch waiting until I'm sleepy enough to go pass out and avoid her. Makes me so sad.

I have the same problem. Your message made me feel not alone. I’ve been told by friends to leave her alone but I care I think it’s an emotional caring attachment that I’m working on breaking. I feel stupid helping a unappreciative disrespectful person whose pity rude unreasonable and mean spirited. She has 3 kids and unmarried. I say if I had a son I wouldn’t want him in a relationship with her

 

[rjrodgersblue]

Thank you so much for your reply! Yes, my husband is her father. You're right, she is a spoiled brat and I'm to blame for that. I just love her so much and want to be a part of her life, but I can't make her want us and respect us. I was so looking forward to having a great adult relationship with her and I'm so excited for my first grandson. I suppose I will head home as planned and just lay low. She is very mature in all other aspects - I think/thought. I'm sitting out on her porch waiting until I'm sleepy enough to go pass out and avoid her. Makes me so sad.

I also have a child who chooses to take out his rage and anger on the people that love him the most, me and his stepfather. We have spent tens of thousands of dollars on new apartments, help with school expenses, rehab, detox, pharmaceuticals, psychiatrists, and therapists -- we are dipping into retirement for these things! But no more. He's in jail now and we won't bail him out and he has a public defender. I am resting better at night (after the shock and grief of learning of his arrest). I know where he is and he can't hurt himself or anybody else. He calls and begs for bail. Won't do it. Gravy train has stopped. It's hard, but i end every phone call with "I love you very much. But, you got yourself into this mess and I'm sure you can get yourself out of this mess." I am so over the rage and anger directed at me because he can't manage his life. Turn all of this over to God, write her a letter explaining why you will be taking a break from your daughter and pour out your heart. Then get busy with things that you are interested in and see what happens.
In any relationship, I am told, one person is always doing most of the rowing. Stop rowing the boat and see if she will step up and start.
Best of luck and congratulations on the grand baby.
rjrodgersblue

 

[Nomad]

Welcome!!!
This “ungrateful” issue seems to be a fairly common theme with our adult “kids.”

Our adult child has gotten a teeny tiny bit better in that regard now that she is in her thirties. She is a little better with her father. A minuscule better with myself.

It’s one of the worst parts of her illness and gets me really down. I think it’s possible she will never be a grateful person...at least to us. One or two of her friends have spoken to her about this. It does help a little...but only for a short time.

Just yesterday a new friend of ours said the following “she won the lottery when you adopted her!!!!” I was almost catatonic. I realized then and there (although it’s happened before) that we have given it all we got and for the part...often still do.

But be careful. At times I’ve given it over 100 percent. It was very damaging to literally every aspect of my life. Don’t go there.

recently, I’ve started to block her for 1-3 days on my phone depending how awful she has been. It’s working out very well. It’s draining to hear her be inappropriate. And I certainly do not deserve it. When I do it (block) for three days, she hesitates to call me and I’m really good with that.

I agree ...best to leave it to God..especially when things get way too difficult. And to move on with your life. Life is too short. Life, is meant to be enjoyed and appreciated. We can help only so much. Especially when your child becomes an adult...do what you enjoy. It’s vital. I also recommend therapy...at least for the short term. Let’s face it...this stuff is not easy.