How do we cope

[pasajes4]

They want to give the juvenile every chance in the book to make changes before they turn 18 and lower the boom. I think the belief is that by going soft and showing mercy the little darlings will see the error of their ways and miracously become choir boys/girls. It may work for some but not many.

 

[RN0441]

I hear you too but at the age of 17 - it's a long shot isn't it.

My son is in "forced rehab" right now.

Yes that's correct. A former therapist who was also a former addict told us that we needed to force it. We don't wait until "he is ready". I said I did not even know we could do that. She said if he doesn't comply, let him be on his own.

We've done everything else - so why the hell not do this?

So far he is in rehab and being compliant. This has been going on several years. Not what I had envisioned but it is what it is.

He is there and he is safe. He is bound to learn something from the program and all the people that are there.

He says this time he going to put everything into it. He says this after totaling a car his father bought him a few years ago and just gave back to him after last relapse.

We are conducting an experiment I think.

 

[pasajes4]

The system is broken here as well. What can you do? I know you have researched this forward and backward. The system has told you that they are not on your side. What are other options that may be available to you?

 

[pasajes4]

It took the system from the time my son was 14 until he was 17 to get serious about doing anything with him. Number 3 thumbed his nose at them every chance he got and made my life a living hell.

 

[n64bomb]

Forced rehab is good in the states where it is allowed. It depends on how willing the addict is to reform. My whole point before was that actions speak louder than words, and an addict will easily say he/she is willing to go to rehab when desperate. It is important to check the congruity of their actions relative to their words. Is he/she actually making an attempt to get rehab, or is the parent/caregiver really doing everything? There are addicts that are willing to change and just don't know how, and in those situations, the parents signing them up can be helpful. For another portion of addicts, however, rehab is just a tool to game the parents/caregiver and get what the addict needs short term (shelter/roof/food/money/car/snacks). For the later group, pushing the addict to rehab before he/she is ready to make a legitimate effort is not very productive.

 

[Coralchet1]

I hear you too but at the age of 17 - it's a long shot isn't it.

My son is in "forced rehab" right now.

Yes that's correct. A former therapist who was also a former addict told us that we needed to force it. We don't wait until "he is ready". I said I did not even know we could do that. She said if he doesn't comply, let him be on his own.

We've done everything else - so why the hell not do this?

So far he is in rehab and being compliant. This has been going on several years. Not what I had envisioned but it is what it is.

He is there and he is safe. He is bound to learn something from the program and all the people that are there.

He says this time he going to put everything into it. He says this after totaling a car his father bought him a few years ago and just gave back to him after last relapse.

We are conducting an experiment I think.

Can I ask if you had to see the JP in order to get forced treatent and if not how and who did you go too.

 

[RN0441]

I live in the US and we told our son that he either had to go to rehab or leave our home. He chose rehab in Illinois and then we sent him to South Florida for IOP and sober living.

He has relapsed there a few times but we continue to push rehab again and again. There is no other option.

 

[Littleboylost]

The system is broken here as well. What can you do? I know you have researched this forward and backward. The system has told you that they are not on your side. What are other options that may be available to you?

Passa our only option now like RN is to force rehab or put him out on his own. There is. Irving else we can do and nothing else we have not tried. I is a sad reality. I struggle with this becose of his age. It our therapist (wise and experienced with youth addiction) soloists this.

 

[Littleboylost]

For the mother love of GOD!!! My son has taken my husbands pride and joy ((his specialized road bike) out to the park!!! So now we will have to lock up the bikes in our own home. He compared that his bike was in storage, he had a regular bike and he kicked the out of it with friends for fun. His road bike which he rode once and never again isn't in storage we sold it. They Just don't care about anyone or anything! Husband is away on a business trip. This will not go down well!!

 

[ColleenB]

LBL so annoying and frustrating! I can't name the number of times my husband would be away in business and something would go wrong with our son.... it seemed like it was meant for me to suffer it alone sometimes.

The last time hubby went away was when son told me how bad things were and wanted to do detox so I had to navigate it alone. I feel your pain

I hope he comes home with the bike in one piece for your sake.... and your husbands. Our car still has a broken bumper we haven't gotten fixed from this past spring when he took it without permission. We have replaced three bumpers. This would be four. Honestly it's our fault at this point. We have been stupid. We don't let him have our good cars anymore. Not sure why it took us so long.

I get sick when I think of all the money wasted on his addiction and issues that have resulted. He could easily have a degree with no loans by this point. But that isn't the reality, is it?

So frustrating when you work so hard to buy things and there isn't any respect for it. We struggle with this.

Hang in there ....

 

[Littleboylost]

He is home with girl in tow ugh. Asked me to let him give her a ride home. Hell no there both high. CB we have been idiots too we bought him his own little car thinking it would turn him around. What a mistake. It's up for sale as we speak.

 

[Littleboylost]

It is the day my son is supposed to be going to see his bail officer. I reminded him yesterday. The big question is do I wake him and make him get there in time or do I make myself scarce and leave him to his own devices. There is a bus and he has a bus pass.

Supposedly (as I hold no faith in the system anymore for anything). They will pull his bail bond if he is a failure to show again today.

 

[pasajes4]

I would not wake him. He got himself in this mess. Let him extract himself from the mess. He came home high, with a girl, took property without permission, and your worried he might miss his bail officer appointment...........hmmmmmmm. Sounds like a logical/natural consequence to me.

 

[Littleboylost]

I would not wake him. He got himself in this mess. Let him extract himself from the mess. He came home high, with a girl, took property without permission, and your worried he might miss his bail officer appointment...........hmmmmmmm. Sounds like a logical/natural consequence to me.

So Passa and my dear wonderful support people here is what went down. I woke him twice and sent him 2 texts and then left him to his own devices. His bail office is an hour walk at best, a bus ride and a 10 min walk at best, or skate Board.... he began serial texts and phone calls which I 100% ingnored for several hours.

He was rude and demanding I give him a ride or get him an Uber!?? Nope I told him to bus it, walk it or board it. He said he had no bus pass credits left ( probably sold his bus pass). Told him 10$ emergency money would get him there and back no problemo. Said he needed exact change, I told him to buy a pack of gum and make change. Said good luck and went silent again. I feel awful but I know it is the right thing to do.

His bail officer contacted me and said she told him the same thing. She rebooked him for 2:30 and said get here! No excuses.

During this time the rehab called and we have begun his intake process. They were so so supportive of my actions; there call was perfectly timed. 2 treasures have been a constant cheer squad today; I am so greatful for their support!! Bless you mof and RN!!

But I still feel like I am in a matrix movie. What is real, what isn't. What is right feels wrong but we have to have the Courage to get out of their way. The painful stuff seam likes it's in slow motion and the good stuff is so so fleeting.

Last message I read from AS said I am just not going. So it is written...it is either the beginning God the end or the end and a new beginning. Only AS can write his own story.

 

[Littleboylost]

And he actually made it. With his petulant child response
From his bail officer:

He was just here, there were a lot of tears. We will see. He knows that the next misstep will be breached. That includes moving without prior approval from me and a missed appointment. It is also quite possible that the police will still investigate last week's incident. He knows that I have done up the breach papers and they are ready to go.


Life gets real for E!! Man I am tired.

 

[ColleenB]

Wow! Good for you! What a hard day but you handled it like a pro

 

[pasajes4]

You done good. I hope he realizes how lucky he is that you are fighting for him to go to rehab.

 

[Littleboylost]

The past 48 have been brutal. I am still a mess but not as bad as I was the other day starting this thread.

I know that having DAC home is not a sustainable modle of health and wellness for any of us. I feel awful to put my son out again; but we can not endure this nightmare of addiction, psychotic outburst and all round crazinesss.

A petition for a high risk status from the crown is under way (crown =DA for US folk). The crown can request the courts fomally ask that the next available bed in the long term rehab be given to our son. Until yesterday I didn't even know this was possible.

It was initiated by a police officer and my sons out patient rehab worker. The rehab is government funded NFP and apparently they are ammenable to these request.

Private rehab here is astronomical in price. $45,000 and up

We are just recuperating from a business loss simply can't afford that.

Putting a crisis action plan in place with husband tonight. If son does X call police. If son does Y call crisis intervention. If specific events and behaviors occur he simply must go.

I did confirm that the rehab bed will not be compromised if we ask him to leave.

No one wants to put their child out, but self preservation is critical.

Mad, sad, frustrated and plain worn out.

 

[ColleenB]

LBL my heart goes out to you.

I can't imagine how hard this is. It makes my blood boil we can't get these kids into treatment quicker. This is no different then someone with a physical condition that requires immediate care. Why do we think that this can "wait" until a bed is available. This is a crisis and we need immediate treatment. Ugh!!!!!

I know the few days we were waiting for my son to get a detox bed were actually hell. I had to watch him continue to self destruct and wonder if he might not come home every time he left the house.

Thinking of you ....

 

[Littleboylost]

LBL my heart goes out to you.

I can't imagine how hard this is. It makes my blood boil we can't get these kids into treatment quicker. This is no different then someone with a physical condition that requires immediate care. Why do we think that this can "wait" until a bed is available. This is a crisis and we need immediate treatment. Ugh!!!!!

I know the few days we were waiting for my son to get a detox bed were actually hell. I had to watch him continue to self destruct and wonder if he might not come home every time he left the house.

Thinking of you ....

CB thanks so much. I feel horrible saying this but my son text us demanding a ride at 12:30. We were in bed. We said no. He said he was staying at his Friends. I know he would be drunk and high. We slept well last night. It was so much more peaceful without him here.

There is no end to this madness. He goes to court on Thursday again. Another wasted day. His legal aid voucher has still not arrived. So this will just be another extension. Then back to court September 21 for Brand new.charges. Possession of stolen property gotten through crime. He was stealing from cars and police known he and is pal broke into a residence as well. I will take him to court if he gets his ass out of bed.... if he comes home.