How do you cope?

[ANewLife4Me]

Beta,
Thank you so much for reaching out to me with all of your kind words of encouragement. I really appreciate you! Feel so blessed to be here with you and ANewLife4Me. You all are becoming my saving grace.

As you are mine MommaTried24. This board and finding each other has been a God send, we will get through this together.

 

[Beta]

MommaTried24
This site has been a Godsend to me these past eight years, and I'm so glad that I have been able to help someone here. It helps to know that each of us are not alone in this.

 

[MommaTried24]

MommaTried24
This site has been a Godsend to me these past eight years, and I'm so glad that I have been able to help someone here. It helps to know that each of us are not alone in this.

Beta........Absolutely!!! This site was down the other morning for quite a few hours. I literally panicked and I've only been here about a month. LOL!

 

[Nomad]

Beta, My situation is a little different, yet MUCH the SAME. I have not seen our daughter for two + years. After a horrible incident of her doing, things definitely changed in our relationship. She showed little to NO remorse. But, we do keep in touch with her as she calls daily often multiple times a day. This is a mixed/confusing bag as it's gotten to the point that she has once again become "problematic." And, between her behaviors of late and the recent death of a friend, I find myself back at the counselor's office. (This too is a part of self care).

I suppose because our daughter doesn't do drugs and has a health problem on top of her mental illness, we have some motivation to help her here and there...like for example paying for her cell phone, medical needs, etc. Things we think of as VERY important. Does she appreciate or acknowledge this ? NO. Anyway, I have moments, especially at major holidays that I miss her. But, what is it that I miss? I think it is mostly the vision in my mind's eye of what could of been. What should of been. Her absolute best side. Since she continues to show lack of impulse control, lack of gratefulness and rarely demonstrates personal effort....I am forced to admit that when I have these moments, I'm not in reality.

Related side note...the other day she did something SO HIDEOUS to me that I blocked her from my phone for a few days and had trouble telling my therapist and even my husband. It was just so appalling. I finally told my husband and I think I can bring myself to tell the therapist. As a mom...the instinct is to protect them. I'm weary.

I have some concerning health problems and quite frankly I wish to be here for my husband and the rest of my family for a long time to come. My own mother died young and I KNOW what a difficult horror that was. Two points...she too was under a lot of stress the year before she got very sick AND her death was very very hard on me. I watched a friend deteriorate after her husband passed and other stressors and I'm fairly sure the stressors contributed to her major illness and ultimate passing.

Constant stress is very bad for the body. It hurts like heck some days, but at this point, most days I'm doing ok and as I mentioned, when the barrel overflows, I go back to my therapist for awhile. I absolutely do believe in self care...eating healthy, some light exercise, getting plenty of rest, hobbies....you name it. We must not succumb to this heartache. We must overcome it. It does NO good to stay in a dark place. Honestly, life was meant to be lived. Plus, there is a small chance, we can role model to our problem child what life was meant to look like in a healthy way....being responsible with our money plus good self care, healthy relationships...all of it.I know it is very hard...this site has been a blessing for all of us. (((hugs)))

 

[ANewLife4Me]

My situation is a little different, yet MUCH the SAME. I have not seen our daughter for two + years. After a horrible incident of her doing, things definitely changed in our relationship. She showed little to NO remorse. But, we do keep in touch with her as she calls daily often multiple times a day. This is a mixed/confusing bag as it's gotten to the point that she has once again become "problematic." And, between her behaviors of late and the recent death of a friend, I find myself back at the counselor's office. (This too is a part of self care).

I suppose because our daughter doesn't do drugs and has a health problem on top of her mental illness, we have some motivation to help her here and there...like for example paying for her cell phone, medical needs, etc. Things we think of as VERY important. Does she appreciate or acknowledge this ? NO. Anyway, I have moments, especially at major holidays that I miss her. But, what is it that I miss? I think it is mostly the vision in my mind's eye of what could of been. What should of been. Her absolute best side. Since she continues to show lack of impulse control, lack of gratefulness and rarely demonstrates personal effort....I am forced to admit that when I have these moments, I'm not in reality.

Related side note...the other day she did something SO HIDEOUS to me that I blocked her from my phone for a few days and had trouble telling my therapist and even my husband. It was just so appalling. I finally told my husband and I think I can bring myself to tell the therapist. As a mom...the instinct is to protect them. I'm weary.

I have some concerning health problems and quite frankly I wish to be here for my husband and the rest of my family for a long time to come. My own mother died young and I KNOW what a difficult horror that was. Two points...she too was under a lot of stress the year before she got very sick AND her death was very very hard on me. I watched a friend deteriorate after her husband passed and other stressors and I'm fairly sure the stressors contributed to her major illness and ultimate passing.

Constant stress is very bad for the body. It hurts like heck some days, but at this point, most days I'm doing ok and as I mentioned, when the barrel overflows, I go back to my therapist for awhile. I absolutely do believe in self care...eating healthy, some light exercise, getting plenty of rest, hobbies....you name it. We must not succumb to this heartache. We must overcome it. It does NO good to stay in a dark place. Honestly, life was meant to be lived. Plus, there is a small chance, we can role model to our problem child what life was meant to look like in a healthy way....being responsible with our money plus good self care, healthy relationships...all of it.I know it is very hard...this site has been a blessing for all of us. (((hugs)))

Dear Nomad, it is heart wrenching the issues we face with our children and they have NO appreciation for the things we allow ourselves to do for them such as paying her cell and medical bills, am sorry you are going through this. 2 and a half years, such a long time of not seeing her, understand those days of missing them but as you so clearly stated your missing the old daughter, the what could of been and the reality of what is before you today. You have such wisdom that most fail to see and keep those blinders on not accepting the truth for what it is.

Absolutely your health is of utmost importance with stress being a silent killer. I pray that, with the help of your therapist, you are able to reduce your stress and improve your health. I love seeing your ways of self care, your doing everything possible to keep living your life. You should be so proud, even when an issue came about that hurt you so deeply could not even talk about it, you did. Instead of holding on to that pain you let it go.

 

[Beta]

Anyway, I have moments, especially at major holidays that I miss her. But, what is it that I miss? I think it is mostly the vision in my mind's eye of what could of been. What should of been. Her absolute best side. Since she continues to show lack of impulse control, lack of gratefulness and rarely demonstrates personal effort....I am forced to admit that when I have these moments, I'm not in reality.

I absolutely do the same thing. I miss Josh but I have to ask myself sometimes, "What in the world do you miss exactly?" I miss who he was for a little while and who he could have been I guess. Presently, he is not a very nice person. He steals to get money for his fix; he lies; he has no respect or compassion on us as his parents and no gratitude for the years of caring.

We must not succumb to this heartache. We must overcome it.

This is what I remind myself of. I have a responsibility to live the life I've been given and not waste it like he has. I've loved him for over half of my life, and I'm determined not to let the remaining years of my life be destroyed.

 

[MommaTried24]

This is what I remind myself of. I have a responsibility to live the life I've been given and not waste it like he has. I've loved him for over half of my life, and I'm determined not to let the remaining years of my life be destroyed.

You're so right Beta. This is what I'm finally trying to start doing again. Finding that determination to live the rest of my life in spite of what or how my son is doing. It's so hard for me because I'm alone a lot too. I've wasted so much time being depressed but I'm so grateful to be here to be inspired by others.

 

[UphillClimbMom]

I'm curious about those of you who have not seen your child for years. How do you cope? How do you not hope every day that this will be the day you will hear something from them? How do you cope with the grief?

I have 2 kids, daughter, 33 and son,23. The son is the one I am struggling with *BUT* between the ages of 20 and 27, I had very little contact if any with my daughter, she was angry, silent, etc. The way I coped was pouring myself into my life that didn't have to do with my kids, so marriage, work, hobbies. I sent a text or left a voicemail about every 6 months and kept sending birthday and Christmas gifts, nothing big, maybe a $50 gift card, to keep the communication lines open. We never addressed the issue directly but one time she answered my text and we tentatively built a new relationship. It had most to do with me not trying to hard, it had been texting with no reply several times a week and calling, calling, calling. I quit that, scaled back *AND* she matured. We have a decent relationship now, I see her a couple times a month. Definitely, take this all with a grain of salt and Your Mileage May Very and she is the non-criminal, only mildly mentally ill, "normal", neuro-typical offspring. I am sure this is totally different when dealing with your difficult-er adult children.

 

[Barbaro]

I haven't seen my daughter for almost 3 years. I am always hoping. I try to be thankful for my other 2 children and 2 grandchildren.

 

[Dricent]

I get where you’re coming from—it’s really hard. When I was going through a similar situation, I found that staying occupied with hobbies and spending time with friends helped a lot. I also talked to a counselor, which made a big difference in managing the grief and hope. It’s okay to still hold onto hope, but finding ways to keep yourself grounded and engaged can really help.

 

[Nethialo]

I’ve been through something similar, and it’s really tough. I keep myself occupied with hobbies and projects, which helps distract me. Talking with friends or even a therapist has been really helpful too. I remind myself that it’s okay to have tough days, and it’s a process. Just try to be kind to yourself and take things one day at a time.

 

[Beta]

I’ve been through something similar, and it’s really tough. I keep myself occupied with hobbies and projects, which helps distract me. Talking with friends or even a therapist has been really helpful too. I remind myself that it’s okay to have tough days, and it’s a process. Just try to be kind to yourself and take things one day at a time.

Thank you. I do keep myself very busy, and recently, I started volunteering with a homeless shelter near me. If I can't help my son, I can at least try to help other people. I try not to think about all the days, weeks, months, and years ahead and what those may hold for us. The hardest time of the day is at night, especially during the middle of the night, when I awake and wonder where he is and if he is safe. That's pretty tough.

 

[Motherofthree]

Beta,
In my case it has been more than a year since I've seen my daughter (also 34 yo), and the last I heard from her on the phone was last summer (when she was in another crisis, unfortunately). She did message me through facebook in December but she no longer responds there either. I miss her terribly, every day. In some ways its a relief to not have the phone ringing in the middle of the night regarding the next crisis. That had become a major stress point for me. But in other says it is obviously tragic and overwhelming to contemplate the loss of who my beautiful daughter was when she was younger, loss of what a parent naturally hopes for for their child (relationship with her, enjoying life with her, etc.), and the detachment that is necessary to sustain sanity but which also goes against our nature as parents. I haven't given up hope for my daughter, but I can't cling to it too tightly either; it's better to turn her over to God.

A few things that help me include: 1) Seeking refuge in God. Having an addicted, adult child has turned that counsel from abstract theory into critical reality...hiding in God, my high tower; learning to walk with God on a daily, even moment by moment basis. Seeking is an active word, not passive. It takes effort but what other choice is there in order to preserve our own lives? Meditating and praying through verses like Isaiah 26:3-4, Philippians 4:4-8, Psalms 46 and 63, and others, is critical, as is having gratitude for what we do have and exercising lengthy prayer; 2) Al Anon literature has been helpful, especially the "One Day at a Time" booklet. Even though it is primarily for families of alcoholics, I think it is applicable to families of loved ones with other addictions too (for example, drug addiction). The three C's...”I didn’t cause, can’t control, and can’t cure the disease of alcoholism [or drug addiction]. The 12 steps, and especially the first three (1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God... Also, the Serenity Prayer is extremely helpful. Finally, 3) reading this website frequently (almost daily) has been a lifesaver for me. So much of the wisdom from other parents on this website who are struggling with the same issues has been so helpful, as well as simply knowing I am not alone in this terrible situation.

I am praying for you, your family, and your son.
Blessings
Dad34

Thank you