Ella, on the subject of whether husband is afraid of some hidden psychiatric disorder from his side - you said, "husband was of the snap-out-of-it school of nurturing after both [my] depressive episodes."
I think this indicates he DOES have problems - those who refuse to acknowledge the fallout of PTSD or stress are the ones most likely to snap, because they have refused/removed all safety valves. The 9/11 thing - surely this had a major impact on him too, if only his fear for you and his son? Yet his coping strategy is one of "snap out of it" - this is denial, pure and simple. It also sounds fear-based, as if he is deathly afraid of showing any weakness and thereby giving his fears a reality. In his mind, denial is the best way to remove all possibility of problems, and the more you insist on being taken seriously, the more aggressively he insists that there is nothing wrong and you have to stop talking about "your pathological insistence on medicalising normal boy behaviour" (my quote marks).
Back to the original problem - Seb's reaction the first time was one of frustration and anger because his space had been disrespected. This other kid behaved like a bully, by deliberately crushing the bug Seb was carefully studying. This is controlling, bullying behaviour by the other boy (unfortunately, a common way for some boys this age to interact - but very inappropriate). Seb's reaction was anger, and disrespect for this boy. A sort of, "NOW how do YOU like it?"
To a certain extent husband is right - this is a fairly normal response for a boy this age, especially a boy with some level of poor impulse control (also not uncommon at this age). Where things got out of hand was when Seb went over the top and kept punching. He was REALLY angry, really upset and couldn't stop himself.
I don't know what happened to trigger the next attack but I suspect it was a similar trigger - the other boy either said something or did something which a lot of seven year olds would probably shrug off, but which in Seb triggered an anger response due to being disrespected and bullied. Again. It's probably happening more than you realise.
I'm not saying that Seb can be excused for this response; far from it. But understanding the trigger can help you begin to work on prevention in the future. If you know what is likely to trigger these responses, it's easier to supervise less obviously and still head these problems off at the pass.
Because supervise you must. Sorry. Think about it like this - you have a child learning to walk. They stumble, often fall and land hard on their rear end (hopefully still heavily padded with a nappy). What do you do as a parent? Do you cling to your child's hands, not letting him try to walk unaided? Or do you stand well back, not assisting or interfering at all, even when the child heads to a steep set of stairs, because "how else can the child learn?" Or do you stand close, hands ready like a baseball backstop but not touching, ready to catch but not holding, so your child can take those steps with safety but some level of independence?
Maybe your child is slower to walk than others. Maybe your child has a club foot, or some mild spasticity, which means he's still learning to walk when his playmates the same age are already running and climbing. Do you say to your child, "You're old enough to ride a bicycle now, I know you think you're not good at pedalling but if your younger cousin doesn't need training wheels then neither do you, don't worry - it's not THAT steep down this hill," or do you treat your child as an individual with different needs, perhaps giving him some extra lessons on the quiet so he can build his skills and confidence and thereby catch up a bit more to the other kids?
Every kid is an individual. Your son has impulse control and anger. He's a smart kid, he knows this behaviour is wrong. But he can't stop himself in time; punching a kid who's just bullied him is too satisfying.
One of the biggest problems I can see, is that Seb is giving back what is dished out to him. A kid disrespects and bullies him - Seb dishes it back. Seb misbehaves and the adult response (at least from his father) is, "I am in charge, you are in my power, I will control your environment and control your personal space as much as I want to, because I can." I suspect husband demands respect and will punish Seb to get it.
This, plus the behaviour of the other kids, is teaching Seb that the successful way to interact is with power. Regardless of what rules he is TOLD, the rules he SEES actually working are the ones where the bully (or person trying to control Seb's environment, which includes the bully who squashes the bug as well as the punisher of Seb's anger) is the one who is in control, and that this behaviour is the acceptable way to respond. His father responds with punishment - a controlling sort of punishment - which teaches Seb to dish out punishment where his own sense of justice feels it is warranted.
Basically, Seb is mirroring the behaviour in his environment.
You cannot change this. This is how he is learning, because something in his head is not letting him pick up these social skills by osmosis, as most other kids learn. He simply isn't doing it the right way. He can't.
But you can help.
First, try to mirror the behaviour you want. Do not shout at him when you are trying to get his attention, or when you are angry with him, for example. If you do, you are teaching him to shout at you when he wants YOUR attention, and to shout at you when he is angry with you. The more you try to shout him down louder, the worse the problems will become. That's just the way it is with some kids.
Did you ever have a teacher at school who controlled a class not by shouting, but by getting quieter, or even silent, when they wanted the class attention? I did. It worked. It saved their larynx and it also saved a lot of shouting. The noisy kids HAD to shut up to hear what was being said, which could be important information such as, "There will be an exam next lesson on this topic," or "I will give the first person to sit up straight an early mark."
Second - supervise. Remember, he is not learning appropriate behaviour in the usual way because his mind doesn't learn that way. He is programmed differently. You will need to teach him, not only by modelling it but also by role-playing what he SHOULD have done. RFTS is right - when your child is extremely visual (as Seb is, as her son is, as my boys are) then extremely graphic visual images are often the best way to make a message ' stick'.
You need to know what is setting Seb off, then monitor his play with others to either prevent or minimise these triggers. For example, if you see Seb really studying something like that insect, and you see another kid approach with foot raised and a wicked gleam in his eye, you can either grab the other kid and deflect him (plus maybe point out that to behave that way is mean and inappropriate) or if you don't get there in time, at least pull Seb off before he does too much damage.
And if you don't get there in time - deal with it more fairly, from Seb's point of view. Try to model for him, and make him rehearse, a more appropriate way of responding. If you can involve the other child in this then do so. Sit down with them and resolve it on the spot. DO NOT REMOVE SEB until it has been sorted to some extent, or the problems with that kid will recur. You have to undo the damage that has been done, by what has just happened and what it has taught the other kid about Seb. The other kid has learnt several things:
1) He knows how to push Seb's buttons and get a spectacular response, to get Seb into trouble - this is fun, especially if the event the kids are at is boring, from the other kid's point of view;
2) Seb is a weird kid whose mother reacts differently from other mothers - most other mothers would ignore it and let the kids slug it out, but Seb's mother apologises for Seb (when this other kid knows it wasn't Seb who started it) and then Seb gets dragged home, like a baby who has soiled himself - this is fun, we'll do it again when we get the chance;
3) If Seb is a weird kid, who is always blamed, then maybe we (the other kids) can have licence to treat Seb this way again, since they will not get blamed, Seb will.
I'm not saying Seb should be backed up or told he has done nothing wrong - far from it. But he's being set up and the more you apologise and take him home, the more this will happen and the worse it will get. I do agree that at the moment, not medicating him is probably making it a lot worse - the change in medication levels makes it VERY hard for our kids to know where their limits are and how they can cope.
I would sit down with Seb and ask him to tell me what happened. If he seems to feel justified in hitting the other kid because "he started it," that's when I would say, "nothing excuses hitting the other kid. OK, he did the wrong thing too but he is not my son, you are. I am not authorised to punish the other kid or try to teach him the right way to behave - I can only teach you. And if this means you turn out to be a better kid than him - then you and I are the winners. But if you hit him back, you are no better than him and I can't step in to stick up for you in any way."
I've told my boys repeatedly - "As soon as you hit the other kid back, this stops being a case of injustice to you and becomes injustice to both. if he started it - it no longer matters, because you hit back and now all bets are off - I can now do nothing to resolve what he did first."
Something else I also had to teach my boys (as they got older, and had a fairly good understanding that they ARE different) was "We don't like it, but it is a fact that you are different. Bullies like this, and a lot of adults who should know better, consider you the weird kid. As a result, you must be even MORE careful to not hit back, even when you see other kids hitting back and getting away with it. Because if they hit back, it's considered normal. But when YOU hit back, they only see your 'problem' and then will say you are unbalanced and dangerous. This is not fair, but this is life. Therefore, more than any other person, you must learn to NOT GET PHYSICAL except purely in self defence, and preferably not even then."
This has been the best thing for my boys. difficult child 1 is now studying karate, which teaches a similar personal discipline. He CAN defend himself if he needs to and this knowledge also makes him more confident in not hitting others back. However, there have been enough times in the past when he DID react sufficiently to give the message that just because he won't hit back, doesn't mean he can be bullied. When pushed to extremes he will be dangerous.
difficult child 3 got bullied at the beach. We'd repeatedly moved him away from the bullies but they kept following him. Finally, just as we were leaving, difficult child 3 snapped and attacked one of these boys physically, punching him over and over. difficult child 3 had been provoked over a period of time, clearly and obviously, and when he snapped we pulled him off the other kid. This could have happened with any 'normal' kid, but it happened with our boy, the one well-known as 'the weird kid'. husband's reaction was a surprise to me - I would have reacted the way you do, Ella - apologise to the other parents, scold difficult child 3 for hitting back despite my repeated reminders to ignore the brats and not hit back. husband is stricter than me, I expected him to really scold difficult child 3 in front of the other kids. But husband simply said to the bullies, "You started that. You wouldn't leave him alone, you kept at him and you brought it on yourself."
We talked it over with difficult child 3 - once again, no matter what the provocation, it is wrong to hit back. But that experience told him a little bit more about where his personal tolerance limits lie, so he is better equipped to know when to walk away, and how far to go to get away from the bullies. He's also learned to come home if being bullied, because once at home, if the bully comes on to our property and difficult child 3 has not done anything wrong, we can call the police on the bully. But if difficult child 3 has hit back or in any way escalated the situation, we can do nothing.
It's one more part of supervision with hands ready to catch, but not holding on too tight.
I think with you and your husband right now - you are each trying to compensate for the other. He thinks you're making too many excuses for Seb and not making him learn self-control and face punishment for anger outbreaks. You, on the other hand, are trying to make allowances for Seb's problems because you know there are some things Seb just can't help. The more each of you behaves that way, the more the other tries to balance it, with the end result of confusion for Seb, mixed messages and as a result he has to fall back on trying to copy your behaviour and strategies when trying to handle other people (and when he tries to 'control' other people's reactions to him).
It's like a couple where one is a spendthrift and the other is a miser - the more the spendthrift impulse buys (and tries to cover it up) the more the miser feels they have to cut costs further, to compensate. This breeds resentment (the miser still has things they want to buy too, but feel they can't because their partner blew the budget) and can lead to a downward spiral in the relationship, with increasing loss of communication and agreement.
Living with a difficult child isn't easy. Frankly, I think your husband is a bit difficult child himself. Try "Explosive Child" techniques on him. It's good practice.
Marg
