husband's gold bracelet and coins are missing

[Tanya M]

So sorry you are dealing with this. It is never easy to call the police on your own child, I had to do it several times. Here's how I look at it; If it were a stranger that stole from me I would immediately call the police so it should be no different just because it's family. When a stranger steals from you it's bad enough but when family steal from you it's a betrayal like no other.

The longer he's not held accountable the easier it will be for him to continue stealing. I know how much it hurts, been there too many times.

Hugs to you. I hope you are taking care of yourself.

 

[TerryJ2]

Yeah, after all the times difficult child has begged or demanded money from us, I still find coins in the kitchen drawer and in his bedroom that total up more than enough for bus fare or a McDonald's meal.
But ... "I cant' do that!" he says, as he's running around full speed like a cartoon character.
What? You're too hyper? Too stuck-up?
Can't tell you how many times I've tried to sit down with-him and roll coins in bank wrappers. Nope. Too tedious. Makes him crazy.
Loose coins in the laundry room, bedroom, kitchen, whatever, are up for grabs.
NOT uncirculated collector's coins In plastic packaging.
He d*mn well knows the difference.

 

[TerryJ2]

So, he has not been hanging out with-"friends" who smoke and toke. It's been nearly a week.
I see that as very good news. (I note how clear his eyes are, and how he can hang around me and talk, and help with-chores. Quite a difference.)
I asked him, how could you spend time with-these friends and not get mad at one another, if you are all blaming one another? Must be a guy thing.
He shrugged his shoulders.
But he's not spending any time with-them. Ah, it does have an after-effect. I'm liking it.

He supposedly is dropping off a job application for a car wash (my idea) and then bringing over his ex girlfriend. Maybe for dinner.
Had a loooong talk with-little sister today, the one whose daughter did meth for a few yrs. She scripted me on a few things. Good ideas.
But she said not to push the car wash; her daughter immediately found drug users and dealers at the car wash where she worked. And she has worked a lot of jobs. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargggghhh!
Just shoot me.

 

[TerryJ2]

I stopped by a pawn shop today. Not the one where I thought things may be pawned; another one. Just to talk. He said that in the state of VA, when you drop off gold or guns at a pawn shop, your photo ID is copied and you are on camera. The police go through a list of pawned items that are catalogued (this assumes that the pawn broker is honest and actually catalogues things) and can type in, "Coins," and search quickly that way. Then they go back and look at the photos of the person who dropped them off.
Sounded great!
Didn't have to waste any more time. Came home. Told difficult child.
He said, Ummm, the chief suspect, K, just turned 18 on St. Patrick's Day. So he doesn't have the right ID and isn't old enough to pawn things. So he would have given it to someone else to pawn. He won't be on anyone's radar. But he has stolen jewelry from his aunt.
I have to say, that of the three kids, he's the smartest and smoothest. He's actually fun to talk to, and when you talk about politics or news or school, he's right there talking or on his iPhone, looking it up...
I said, "I feel stupid now, for letting him stay here alone."
"I TOLD you not to!"
"You did not. You told me that you were not planning on going to the dr alone and you needed to pull me aside and tell me--don't leave him here alone." (IOW, husband has a 2-seater car and we could have taken my car or made another plan.)
"That would have been too obvious."
"Why did you have him here? How do you get friends like that?"
"He's not my friend. He's E's friend. This is only the second time he's been here, and both times, if you recall, he was with E. He has never been here just with me because his NOT MY FRIEND."
difficult child also explained how he took my rings 3 yrs ago, and carefully rearranged the tiny jewelry box drawer and shut it so that I wouldn't notice right away. (It worked.)This time, husband's items were taken in a rush, as though someone expected us to show up, and left other valuable items that were right next to the wooden jewelry box. He said that's not his MO. (Also, husband notices things right away. He's got a computer brain. Great for planning a retirement and doing the mortgage, horrid for an intimate relationship.)
Again, he's trying to pin it on K.
He is SUCH. A. CONVINCING. PERSON.

 

[BusynMember]

They all try to pin it on somebody else. It's never them, of course. Whatever they are caught with, it is NEVER them.

Yes, they are convincing. My daughter had us totally bamboozled. We believed it wasn't her...at first.

Usually a good item can be sold hot outside of a pawn shop. There is usually no trail, just our gut feeling and common sense. In my gut I always felt that Daughter was lying and that SHE did the things she pinned on others. In the end, once she told all, it turned out my gut didn't mislead me. My heart did. I wanted to believe she was holding things for others and set up and being picked on because that was better than the truth...

You ever try to speak to K? Does K even exist? If my daughter pointed a finger at somebody else and was willing to give a full name (she never did...it was always "I don't know...he goes by...) we would have confronted the person upfront. Did Difficult Child give you a full name? If so, did you track him down or talk to him?

This is one of those things you will likely never find out for sure so Difficult Child can say, "You can't prove it" but go with your gut. I wish we had. We would have locked everything up sooner, although Daughter usually just stole a little at a time and usually stuck to money so that I'd think I was losing my mind. "Didn't I have $40 more here? I swear I did, but...maybe I didn't????" And Daughter always knew nothing about it. "Mom, you know you're spacy."

With Daughter, we just eventually had to admit she was making up fictitious people or using real people (without giving their names away) that didn't really do it because it was her.

Hugs!!!

 

[TerryJ2]

Yes, K exists. We must have been typing at the same time because I went back to one of my notes and made changes for clarification.
K exists. And it was my fault for leaving him here by himself.
I meant to call the handyman this week to talk to him, since they were in the house together while difficult child and husband and I were at the therapist (oh, the irony!) but I never got a chance.

 

[BusynMember]

Well, have you spoken straight to K? I sure would have (although I would have brought my husband.) I would have wanted to hear his story. I'd forget the handyman. Being busy, he probably wasn't paying much attention. He wasn't expecting anyone to steal.

We usually tried to go straight to the source, if we HAD a source. We just could not take Daughter at her word.

In the meantime, be sure to lock up everything that means something to you. You don't know who stole the items for sure and it probably will happen again. We ended up using fireboxes and feeling like we were prisoners in our own home. It was no way to live, but we needed our money and credit cards HIDDEN and had some sentimental things that were also of value.

And, of course, please take care of yourself. That's the most important thing of all.

 

[Lil]

"Didn't I have $40 more here? I swear I did, but...maybe I didn't????" And Daughter always knew nothing about it. "Mom, you know you're spacy."

Ugh! I remember going to a box on my dresser where I'd been saving $20. I was going to give it to my son because he wanted some money for something...and it wasn't there. I decided I must have spent it. Even when we were giving him money, he was stealing.

The first time we noticed something missing, he actually HELPED look for it!!! Crazy.

I have to agree with MWM. If your son is in the house, buy a lock for your bedroom door and keep it locked. I was just too bamboozled by my son...if I had not been...I'd have seen it was him. I hope your son really is innocent of it, but I believe you did say he'd done it before.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Honestly, what I'm seeing is that your son and K worked together on this. K didn't have to worry about being banned from the house as he wasn't actually a friend. It seems to me that, and this is just my guess, K did the stealing and threw suspicion off of your son and they both benefited. Granted, I wasn't there and do have a tendency to assume the worst. Occupational hazard.

 

[Tanya M]

Oh these Difficult Child are such great spin doctors.

"He's not my friend. He's E's friend. This is only the second time he's been here, and both times, if you recall, he was with E. He has never been here just with me because his NOT MY FRIEND."

Why would he let E bring a friend into your house. Guilty by association.

difficult child also explained how he took my rings 3 yrs ago, and carefully rearranged the tiny jewelry box drawer and shut it so that I wouldn't notice right away. (It worked.)

This is really sad that he is glorifying stealing from you. I had some similar experiences with my Difficult Child. I remember my Difficult Child telling me one time how he would sneak into our bedroom while we were sleeping and steal small amounts of money out of my husbands wallet because he knew my husband wouldn't notice. We did put a lock on the bedroom door and he would pick the lock so we ended up putting on a deadbolt. That held him for a little while until he took a hammer and beat a hole in the door. If you have anything that you can't bear to lose you should get a safety deposit box.

If it were me, I would not allow him to have anyone in the house at all.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this, it is no fun and way too stressful.

((HUGS)) to you........

 

[TerryJ2]

Jabberwocky, dingdingding-dingding! We have a winner!
husband and I were just talking about that tonight.
We think they were ALL in on it and since K isn't really a "friend," what would he care?
And also, K, E and difficult child have not been together this week except to see one another in the hallways. They are either scared, after all, waiting for detective to call them, or they have outlived their usefulness and entertainment value for one another. I hope it stays that way.
Meanwhile, difficult child is spending time with-ex-girlfriend, and we actually sat together at the dinner table tonight. Not perfect, but it's a start. SHE needs attention. And she's starting to talk. Out loud. And she does NOT like E and K.

by the way, it was K who first suggested the handyman. Clever boy, K.