husband's gold bracelet and coins are missing

[Childofmine]

Terry just know we are here for you with care and compassion no matter what.

We offer ideas and support---in the end it is your life, your decision and only you know all of the circumstances.

Living this life is very very hard to do. We all know that. We all struggle with what to do and what not to do.

Calling the police on your own child is a very hard phone call to make and there is no judgment whether you do it or don't do it.

And in the end, what will be will be. If he continues to make bad decisions, they will catch up with him---even if you never act.

That is what is important to realize and understand. For so long somehow I thought my actions and decisions were pivotal in what happened next to him. As I began to let him go, I started to see a more realistic picture. I was one small spoke on the wheel of his life. There were many, many spokes. That was a huge realization for me and has allowed me to continue stepping back.

As I stepped back, I was able to change the decision model from what is best for him to what is best for me. And gradually that became my focus.

None of this is instantaneous or an emergency, truly. Take your time. Wait. Grow in letting go and patience. Things are just things and if they are gone, they are gone.

Warm hugs to you this morning.

 

[Albatross]

I'm so sorry to read this, Terry. Just wanted to send you a virtual hug and let you know I was reading along.

 

[Kathy813]

I think that the "what if" is the hardest part. What if he is telling the truth? What if he didn't really take it? What if I just lost it? Those were the questions that kept me from taking action.

To this day my Difficult Child denies stealing my jewelry even though we found some of it in her room. Even though I know that she had to be the one that took it, I still ask myself if there is the smallest possibility that she didn't take it since she is still denying it.

I regret now not taking action on the things we could prove. Like when Difficult Child and her friend used one of our credit cards when they ran away her senior year in high school (they were gone a week). They didn't put a large amount on the card so I was reluctant to press charges. Maybe if husband and I had pressed charges, it would have stopped the progression down the dark road her life has taken.

But, it also might not have changed a thing. You have to do what you can live with but I do believe that your son stole those items. Even if he didn't, I agree with jabberwocky. He had no business leaving his friend in your house while no one was home.

~Kathy

 

[lovemyson1]

Hi Terry, I'm so sorry for all you are going through. Every time we had something missing, it was my son. Every time! And he always denied it. Trust your instincts, don't feel bad for assuming what is obvious. I'm sorry but addicts will steal from anyone to get their fix. My son has since admitted and asked for forgiveness for stealing precious things from us. He also admitted to commiting other crimes for his fix. The best thing you can do is keep him out of your home. He will eventually be arrested and that could be his rock bottom and chance to change. As much as it hurts to allow our children to face severe consequences, it is what is necessary for their change. And change is what needs to happen! ((hugs))

 

[TerryJ2]

husband and difficult child went to E's house, picked him up and then went to "friend" K's house. He wasn't home, and hasn't answered his phone all night.
He is in another city and is on his way home and is actually coming to our house.
I will call the police in a few min. when all the kids are gathered here.
I'm so dizzy. I was dizzy all day yesterday, too.
Can't believe that difficult child is holding out and stonewalling like this. Although K does hang out with-known dealers. Still, that they are acquaintances or friends says it all.

 

[TerryJ2]

MY FAULT for leaving the friend in the house.
I asked him if he was comfortable staying alone for an hr, and said he could watch TV.
I'm wearing a dunce cap.

 

[BusynMember]

It's not your fault. He shouldn't be with those types of people. That says tons about him. You don't know the inner workings of what is really going on. Take this to heart: WE NEVER DO.

I still think your son did it. Or he allowed others to steal from you, but I think he did it.

In the end, we found out that all the stuff blamed on "friends" and "those out to get me" and anonymous "dealers" were all my daughter.

If your son hangs around with drug users, he is using drugs. Druggies do not hang around with straights.

I'm sorry, but it appears that right now you are walking down a very dark path. Been there/done that. Have the t-shirt. Survived. So will you.

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you.
And it *is* a dark path.
The police officer who came over is very well known to us. He went easy on them because it's ... us. Actually, if he'd thrown them all against the wall, I would have been fine with it.
So, the detective who gets the case has to interview all the kids again, and then the maids, and then the handyman (he was in the house at the same time the kid was, which was one reason I felt comfortable leaving them alone. Hmm. Maybe the handyman will remember if the kid was upstairs? Still, I think the coins were missing before the kids were
in the house.
Did I mention that husband found a bunch of difficult child's Adderall under his bed today? He quit taking it, I'm sure, because the psychiatrist said he can't take it if he is smoking pot. So, of course, difficult child chooses the illegal substance over the legal, safe one.
At least he agreed to go to his eye appntmtn tomorrow with me.
We're thinking about renting a room for him. It's just too hard to have him at home, but we don't want him on the street.

So NOW I know what kind of parents don't want their kid living with them.
It would be ... us. WE are THAT kind of parent.

First, we need to sleep.

 

[BusynMember]

Adderrall is not safe. That's why it is so carefully handed out. It is a very controlled substance. It can not be called in over the phone. You have to show a driver's license, at least in our state, to pick up a controlled substance. It is greatly abused in the teen drug community. It is the most abused and most highly valued ADHD drug by drug users. They crush it in pillcrushers and snort it alone or with other drugs. I personally tried both pot and ADHD medication (Ritalin) and thought pot, although it made me feel spacey and disconnected and a little paranoid, was a lot less scary than the Ritalin...and I was only on 5 mgs. of Ritalin and did not snort it. And I'm positive that, along with all my other neurological issues, ADHD is in there.

You should count and see if any Adderrall are missing. I'm glad not all of them are gone. But I would definitely not want a child like yours, if he were my son, on Adderrall. Not after the graphic stories my daughter told me about Adderrall and how you can get $10 a pill on the street for it. I'm more afraid of Adderrall than pot after what I have heard. Illegal pot won't kill you. Adderrall actually can, especially if the kids take a lot of it, like they tend to do when it is being abused. Then they take downers so they can sleep. At least pot is just pot. You don't take another drug to rub off the effects of pot.

I can't believe I'm defending pot, but I actually think speed is a lot more dangerous.

Just because something is prescribed, that doesn't make it safe.
Adderall is serious speed and often misused and abused, especially once the kids are teens.
My daughter told me kids used to "fake" ADHD (and it often worked) to get the pills.

Hugs and try to have a peaceful sleep.

 

[pasajes4]

Terry, I have been where you are. I chose to call the cops on my own child. I would love to say it changed things. It did not. He did learn that mama don't play that, and things no longer happened under my roof. His friends avoided me like the plague, because they were all doing the same thing. Sadly, who our kids chose to hang with is one of the best indicators of who our children really are.

 

[Childofmine]

Terry we are here with you.

The day my son was arrested for two felonies, the detective and I arrived at my exhusbands house to pick him up at the same time.

I was taking my son and his car through emissions because the car tags were so expired he didn't want to be picked up on the way there.

I stood on the porch with the detective and we both knocked on the door. My son ran out the back door. All the detective would say---due to privacy rules---was that this time the charges were felonies. Up to that point they had all been "just misdemeanors." I was sobbing and crying and the detective was very kind.

Finally via the phone I persuaded my son to come back and turn himself in.

I stood there while the detective read him his rights and put the handcuffs on his and put him in the car. The charges were from a grand jury indictment for charges from two years previous when my son sold pills twice to an person who was wired and working with the police.

Lots of protests from my son but the bottom line was he did it.

Anyway, it was one of the hardest days of the journey for me. Witnessing all of that and by strange coincidence being there at the very same time as the detective.

It is almost unbearable what we go through here on this board but I can tell you that wasng the end for me or for my son. There is hope.

Things can turn around. And we can live and even thrive as we experience these types of things and hit our own bottoms.

The details are just details, truly. Try not to stress too much on the details. The police have been there done that and they usually can figure it out fairly quickly.

I hope you are being kind to yourself tonight. You deserve some peace and serenity. Hang in there. We get it and we care.

 

[Lil]

in my opinion the best way to stop him from REALLY getting into trouble, like, robbing a store is to hold him accountable for stealing from you.

Terry, I see that you did call the police. It was a good thing in my opinion. I couldn't do it. I wonder, if we had done so when my son pawned the guitars, pawned the archery equipment, pawned the playstation...would he have stolen my mother's wedding rings (which he still denies), would he have stolen the $700 cash?

If we'd called the police over the $700 cash - would he have shoplifted the DVD's?

Now I've gotten him 2 years probation and community service...will that be enough to keep him from stealing again? I hope so. But I don't know. The one thing he does know is that if he is arrested, we won't bond him out.

If your son hangs around with drug users, he is using drugs. Druggies do not hang around with straights.

I know this is true. My son had good friends, straight, non-druggie friends in high school. But he started hanging out with the druggies and that was it. His good-kid friends dropped him and that was that.

You remain in our thoughts.

 

[TerryJ2]

Ugh. Need a new keyboard

MWM, you'e gien some great advice and I agree with 99% of your notes, but not in this case. He hates his Adderall and won't take it, and has never sold it. We've got extras all over the place. In fact, two containers of it. It speaks to his being a difficult child that something so valuable on the street, and right under his nose, goes unused and unsold.
It helps tremendously with his mood. He has been off of it for a week and there is a huge difference in his mood. He is extremely agitated and forgetful. Thank god he's still taking the lithium.
He won't take the concerta eithe

 

[TerryJ2]

He just came ho me ... used H's car. She told him to go home and shower.
He took his lithium and Adderall but refused the concerta again.
His phone died last night and he called the house. Said he was trying to come home but couldn't get a ride. husband apparently told him "I suspected that." And that's all he said. Of course, difficult child is upset that his phone died and that we didn't give him a ride. But that's difficult child for you.
He just left for school (he checked in and then left)
and told me he loves me.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm always amazed that other people will let our Difficult Child drive their cars. My daughter got people to give her their cars too and God only knows what happened to them when she got into accidents with them. We didn't pay as she was not insured with us; no longer living in our house.

I'm glad Difficult Child doesn't know about Adderrall. Maybe he doesn't like the feeling you get with speed...honestly, that's a good thing. Given a choice in which I had to choose (with a loaded gun pointed at my head) I would rather my kid smoke regular ole pot (not legal pot) than snort speed of any kind.

It with me who gave you that laugh at your post about Adderrall

Try to have a good day and be good to yourself.

 

[Lil]

Terry, different kids, different drugs. My own son has had prescription narcotics a couple of times...refused to take them. So while I don't know what else he may be doing...I'm at least pretty sure it's not narcotic pain pills. Again...we're all here for you.

 

[TerryJ2]

Check out the WC. Just what I need--a mentally ill, broken bone-addled elderly cousin with telepathy.

 

[Shan]

I'm going to take issue here. They don't all lie. I have four kids and two were Difficult Child. They lied. One of my Difficult Child, who took drugs, stopped taking drugs and no longer lies. My other kids don't even try to lie. I think it is a red flag if you get a kid who lies to you unless he/she only does it very sparingly and to get out of trouble. Usually Easy Child do confess.

When my daughter was taking drugs, she lied about everything. And now she tells me, "Never trust a drug abuser. They lie. All.the.time." I believe her. She was there.

Not saying YOUR Easy Child is a drug user. Just want to clarify that no, not all kids lie. And chronically lying is an issue with anybody...child or adult.

Yes my Easy Child usually will fess up but he tries to at the moment get out of situation why I have no clue. I have one Difficult Child whom does not live with me and I have no clue if she is telling truth. We don't see her much as she tends to not come around when drinking but when we do have plans to do something she never shows up and will text at last minute. I think my Easy Child it is just he doesn't want 1000 ?s . I hsve 4 and 3 are pretty easy but they lie over stupid crap that doesn't make sense . Not big lies but just stupid lies

 

[Echolette]

It is important to realize that an action or inaction on your part is not a deal breaker because there is likely a whole lot you don't know.

That is a helpful and important point. This is NOT his only issue. His future does not hang in the balance of your decision here. You do what feels right to you.

On the lying and stealing front...my Difficult Child (and I will emphasize again that he was always very sweet and kind of clueless appearing, never confrontational, never angry or threatening) started stealing from us very young. When he was in middle school he would leave the house with his backpack packed with DVDs and CDS. You know what ? I had no idea what he was doing!!!! I thought he was just a little ocdish, needed to have the things he loved near him.

I confused myself a lot in those days.

Actually I have never fully stopped.
But wait, this is a bad path for me so I will stop now.

The point is...he was stealing for YEARS. Change in the house, ipods from his siblings, his sisters's bike from the garage (actually, I think in the end he stole all our bikes...since we are city dwellers bike theft is kind of a fact of life and we overlooked it).

It couldn't ahve been more obvious. But I never saw.

I thought I was careless and misplaced stuff.

Including that tennis bracelet.

Maybe I did misplace stuff? Where is that pearl necklace? I bet he took it last summer when he took the Bose speakers and his sister's iphone.

I never called the police.

I did bar him from the house. Probably forever.

I ramble...but I just want you to know that I hear and feel the intricacies of your situation with your son...and...try not to catastrophize. His future is his, and will play out as it will. IF you do'nt report him some one else will. If you do, he will or won't go to jail and that won't be the thing that breaks or ruins him. He is writing his own script...you write your own too.

Try to find space in these crazy days. Try to go to a movie with your husband, distract your mind...can you go dancing? bowling? throw those balls down the alley at some pins! Try to keep your self and your life whole.

Holding you in my heart these days,

Echo

 

[pasajes4]

Let's face it.......sometimes it just plain old SUCKS to be us.