I acted on a suspicion

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lil, Jun 6, 2016.

  1. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Love your post Leafy.

    Every time I feel like others may not see me as a good mom or I feel it or I feel wishy washy, I am fortunate enough to read one of your posts and remember that I'm doing alright!
  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh Leafy. :hugs: I can't imagine the pain of losing your hubs and you have been so wonderful to still come and share with us. Bless you. I will think long and hard on what you have said.
  3. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    So glad he has a second chance and this day is over for you and Jabber. Hoping that he understands today, his luck, and he will move forward with making good choices for his life.
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Well, Lil, you and Jabber are my role models. I used to think that you tried too hard, until I realized that I needed to do the same thing. And wanted too.

    M was the one who knew first. Before my son came home, what is it 4 months ago, I lost track, he said to me something like this: I need to try with SON to teach him. I need it for me.

    You see, for years he had felt a great deal of guilt that he did not work with my son, show him how to work, model what it is to have a real family that has your back. You see, I had never had it. I only knew the version where I was eaten up for lunch, and then for dinner too.

    The more I can open my heart and have hope, (with structure, rules and consequences), the more hope seems to have my son--and he tries, too. And then it is a spiral. What goes around comes around.

    Now, he still sees us as marks, but less and less. And he sees himself as trying and changing. A little. It is slow, but he is turning the ocean liner around.

    I hate to say it, because I will have to eat it, I fear, but that is how it seems, today, right now.

    I have been thinking the last couple of days: I have a family. A real family. (I sound like Sally Fields at the Oscars, you like me, you really like me.)

    Do not doubt yourself, Lil. This will work, what you are doing. I did not think it would. I do now.
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    Last edited: Jun 15, 2016
  5. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Well all, I thank you for sticking with us (me) during my panic and freakouts during this whole thing.

    The fact is, court may be over, but probation isn't. I really won't go again. This time was only because it was Jabber who called the police that ended with his arrest. If he doesn't do his community service or gets in trouble again, it's his problem.

    And we still don't really know if he's working or lying about it. The heat index is 107 today and they may not want him because it's frankly dangerous to have someone standing out in the sun on concrete for 8 hours. Even if he is employed, if they're smart, they'll either have him do something else or not come at all.

    Next real hurdle comes in July...when he either gets into that apartment, or doesn't. :(

    For now I'm just getting more out of his business for as long as I can.
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  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Lil, I'm glad it's over.

    Yes, it's his turn now. I remember when Princess did Community Service at the humane society. I swear most of their volunters are young people doing community service.

    In the end, our letting her go was the right decision for her recovery, not that I didn't bawl like a two year old while I was doing it. But it did work for her. If only there was one magic answer.

    Maybe doing what is best for us? I would have thought that thinking this way was so selfish even twenty years ago, when I thought my station on earth was to take care of the world, but not my own needs...somehow I got lost in there...I still struggle with what is selfish vs what is best for everyone plus myself, but I have learned that if I feel too stressed, it's probably because I am taking too much responsibility for people or even world events that I can't control. Is it good to stress over what we can't change? Is it good to keep trying to change others? To wish things were different? Does it help?

    I don't think there is a universal answer. But it has never worked for me. Nor you. Your son is still very young with time to make many changes. I hope he does.

    Honestly, he is so blessed to have Jabber and you. Most young people are like the old song that says "don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got till its gone"

    Good luck.
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2016
  7. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    And he didn't work today. I'm not surprised even if he does still have a job. I didn't see anyone out there yesterday in the heat either. Jabber went home for lunch and Difficult Child was leaving with J.

    I would really like him to spend ONE day without J. Just every once in a while. :( I mean, he may not work and it's super hot out...but couldn't he maybe be on-line, putting in applications? On the phone, calling places he has put in? He had told me he's going to go put in the application at Goodwill today (it's paper) but still...that's just not enough.

    I told him when we were fighting, the day I started this thread, when he asked me if I really thought he wasn't trying hard enough, that yes, I did think that; that if he wasn't literally spending hours per day on the computer or out at businesses or at the temp agencies or job service, every single day he wasn't working, then he wasn't trying hard enough.

    That's when he told me why he couldn't go to temp agencies.

    But I still feel that way. He's not trying hard enough.

    He'll figure that out when he's homeless again I guess.
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I've been "downsized" more than once, and once even got to work with a job-search coach (part of what the downsizer paid for...)
    And they told us: Do NOT spend all day looking for work. It doesn't TAKE all day. Once you know where you should be looking, keep a list and go through that every morning. Then find ONE person in your network to be in contact with in person - a coffee or whatever - but it had to be a different person every day of the week. After that... go do something productive.

    1) you have to have an organized approach - not sure your son has that part
    2) you have to have a network of people - and J doesn't count
    3) you have to be able to find something productive to do with the rest of the time - a major challenge, it appears.

    I know Lil. Where do you even start?
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  9. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I agree with IC as another veteran of being outsourced, RIFed, downsized, and merged. I spent my "rest of the time" studying up on advances in my field, researching companies to see if I might like to work for them, and (VERY IMPORTANT) researching companies I had sent resumes and CVs to. It is important to know a bit about the company's history, philosophy, and business practices if you are called in for an interview. Even if it's a fast food place or a retail establishment.

    Drug testing is pretty inescapable these days in the US, and marijuana can stay in one's system for as long as 60 days. He's GOT to be willing to give up the weed to get a job.
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  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I told my son finding a job "is" a job in itself.

    He doesn't have my work ethic that's for sure!!
  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Yeah...I was ticked off at him when I said that. I admit, I've not had the issues of looking for work. I've never been unemployed for any length of time and have had my current job for 22 years.

    But I still don't think he's trying hard enough.

    He hasn't tried Target or K-Mart.
    He hasn't tried all the grocery stores.
    He hasn't tried places like car dealerships that do hire people to detail and move cars around and one even had a "No experience necessary, we will train" opening for someone to change oil and top off fluids, etc.
    He hasn't tried retail stores at the mall, etc.
    He hasn't tried lawn service and landscaping companies.
    He hasn't tried the cleaning/janitorial companies.
    He has only tried one of the many hotels, and that was for front desk...he hasn't tried housekeeping.
    He wouldn't even put in at the local ice-cream shop who had a full-time, $10/hr job because, "They're too busy."
    He hasn't tried the florists for delivery guy...he doesn't need a car of his own to drive a delivery van - there was one a while back I told him about, he didn't put in.

    So...I don't care if he put in on-line at all the fast food places, he hasn't tried hard enough.
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Out of all the ones you listed? These are the only two that he absolutely has no excuse for not trying.
    The others all care about appearance and customer service and speed of operation and accuracy. You can't have a scoop of ice cream falling off a cone. You have to have exact change. You can't mix "lite" with "regular" items on a shelf. The list goes on.
    But... Cutting grass???? Really? you don't even have to be neat and clean for THAT one.
  13. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    He will not get a job driving company vehicles.....they drug test. He knows which places drug test. The kids who smoke always know which ones test......it's all out there on the " I smoke too homeboy network." That's why he isn't applying.
  14. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I agree. Last time I got outsourced, I wound up working at a LIQUOR STORE, knowing I wouldn't be able to go back into my field, if able to work at all much longer.

    It was a bit of a trip and in a way I enjoyed it. It exposed to me to a who section of the population I'd never been exposed to before. I learned a lot more about people and studied up on alcohol abuse and use as a result.

    Many of my customers were Eastern European immigrants, so I studied up on their history and experiences to be better able to understand them and hence take better care of them.
  15. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I forgot. They will not apply for strenuous physical labor, because weed takes the wind out of your sails + heat tolerance is an issue with a lot of rec. drugs.
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  16. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Has your son signed up for the Dept. of Vocational Rehab? I got my new job from their help finding me one. We met once a week and, trust me, you do fill out applications and they will do it for you if you can't or won't. It's easier to get a job that way. They know who is really hiring rather than just guessing.

    Putting in applications gets tiring. My friend wanted a second job and literally she could not get into places like Target because so many people are unemployed that they had too many applicants. The job market is b ad, especially for jobs for less skilled workers.

    I could not have done it without DVR. Maybe they can help your son. And he won't be able to get away without filling out job applications for jobs that are actually available. They will help him write a decent resume too, even if he hasn't had many jobs.
  17. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I disagree. He has every ability to scoop ice cream or stock shelves. He did fine at fast food. You don't have to look fantastic at Dollar General or K-Mart. Grocery stores give you uniforms usually, shirts and wear black pants...he has them. He should try them.

    I doubt the little local florist place that was hiring did. But you have a point there.

    He hasn't tried them either.

    He does have a little bit of an excuse there as he has a pre-existing back problem. That's why I left out construction companies.

    Don't you need to have some disability for that?
  18. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I don't know, Lil. He may qualify because he hasn't been able to get and keep a job. I think they take three types of applicants. It's worth a call.
  19. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I hadn't yet gotten approved for SSDI when I went to vo-rehab. I was diagnosed with bipolar and chronic spinal and cervical arthritis at that time. I had a letter from my doctors, psychiatrist included detailing what sort of work I could do.

    All vo-rehab had were jobs that either were very high stress or that required heavy lifting. According to my doctors, I couldn't do those sorts of work.

    They said they'd call me if "something up your alley" came through. I never heard back from them, despite having 25 years of IT experience that at the very least, despite being outdated, would've qualified me for basic Tier 1 tech support.

    I do believe my age (mid 40s) at the time, played a role in that.
  20. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I never knew anyone with no disability to use Voc Rehab...but could be different state by state. I had a friend who got college paid for by Voc Rehab because she was legally blind. I knew someone who got their dental bills paid for, because their teeth were so bad and rotten and nasty that they couldn't get anyone to hire them. Voc Rehab paid for them to get their teeth all pulled and full dentures. They got hired too after that, made all the difference in the world.