Lil, I am glad your son has been given another chance to prove himself. He is young, and hopefully he will use this chance as a pivot point.
Only time will tell.
As for you, your life matters much.
Your peace of mind is of
utmost importance, regardless of your sons choices, and he needs to not only know this, but see it.
He has to take responsibility for his choices.
I might also have mentioned that he's literally killing me.
I have come to a conclusion that as long as we as parents suffer the consequences of our d cs actions more than they do, they grab on to this and hold us
accountable.
It is if they say " You've got this, so why should I worry, or even change for that matter."
I was reading over TLs older post in May about our d cs not
understanding what they put us through. I wonder about that. They are so self absorbed that when they
are literally killing us, it seems it just isn't on their radar.
I have begun to think that this is just
what they want. Not
to kill us, but to keep us so emotionally caught up in the tangled web, we can't think straight.
It seems to me that our d cs feed off of drama and chaos, and don't bat an eye at the havoc it wreaks in
our own lives. As long as we remain in the "game" so sorely affected, it keeps them from opening their own eyes, because they have successfully projected the emotional outcome of their lifestyles....
onto us.
It is subliminal, they will not even be able to admit to it, or recognize it, but it is there.
That is what I think.
It is the hardest thing to remove oneself from this emotional whirlwind and entanglement when we have vested so much of our hearts and energy for the lifetime of our beloved d cs.
I know I am preaching to the choir, please forgive me if this is offensive, for I have been where you are in the desperation of wanting my kids to wake up and smell the coffee,
rather than pour it in my lap.
Please permit me to share this with you, it comes from the heart.
In the wake of the loss of hubs, so many emotions envelope me.
The fact that we spent the last years of his life consumed with fret and worry, deeply entrenched in the outcome of our d cs choices
cannot be undone.
It did literally kill him.
Yes, he had health issues, but all he wanted for all of our children was a better life than what he had. His father was extremely abusive and an addict.
Hubs was a quiet man, worked hard and did not have much to say about what was happening, but I know down inside
it was eating at him.
Me too.
In each and everyone there is a light burning bright with purpose. That light diminished in us, as we concentrated on solutions for our two, and allowed their choices to affect us so. As they continued in the darkness, a bit of our light was burned to shine on a brighter path, we focused on fixing the unfixable, it was not our job, it was theirs. They chose to remain in the dark and hold on to us just enough to get by with their choices, without a care how our lives and future were in disarray and tumult.
If only we realized that we had given them the best we could in raising them, and that their choices were
theirs to figure out and learn from. If only we pulled back emotionally and said "We love you to the moon and back, live your lives, make your choices, we have raised you as best we could,
it is our time."
It is not so simple, there are many different scenarios for every one of us here.
Please do not let your sons choices and consequences
literally kill you. Find a way to start pulling back emotionally, and focus on the rest of your life with Jabber.
Time and unforeseen circumstances may affect us all.
We never know.
From what I have read here, you are a lovely couple, and have given so much to your son.
It is your time.
I think our d cs have everything to benefit, no matter what their age
knowing that our lives and marriage matters first and foremost. This does not mean we are selfish or neglectful
, but balanced. "......Let no man put asunder....." I believe this includes our own d cs.
This is the foundation
most of us were raised with. I knew that I could not fall back on my parents. They would help me here and there, but never to the extent these kids
expect of us.
In this modern age, somehow it has been switched around to the focus being on the kids, above and beyond their youth, to the detriment of our own lives.
Bull
.
You can still do what you need to do to help your son, but my dear friend, try to pull back emotionally, and let him take his load,
for it is his to bear.
It is you and Jabbers time.
I apologize for the
, but I am remembering the struggle and torment and
wishing hubs and I declared this long ago.
Now, it is but a shoulda, woulda.
Can't turn back the hands of time, but I can share what I know now, and wish I knew then.
With all my heart,
Leafy
