I AM SO SAD. MY DAUGHTER HATES ME.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Deedee1662, Dec 2, 2017.

  1. Deedee1662

    Deedee1662 New Member

    Hey, I am new here so I hope I don't mess up too bad. A little back story here...I am the mother of 3 children ranging in age from 19 to 29. My husband and I have been married for 30 years. WE both have worked very hard all our lives to give our children everything they needed. I am a nurse and my husband is a salesman. We have always had hard work schedules as I work 12 hour shifts and he works varying hours every day. Our children have never needed anything and usually get/got a lot of what they wanted. We were never abusive, never neglectful, always loving and caring. Were we perfect? Of course not, but we did our level best to do a good job.

    The problem is with our 29 year old daughter. She has always been independent from the time she could walk, but she was such a wonderful loving daughter. She is very intelligent and has always been exceptional in school. She lived with us while she was in college and up until 3 months before she got married in 2011(she was 23). She had a very good job and we never made her pay anything but her car insurance. She would save her money for what ever she wanted without offering to help at home. We didn't want her to feel obligated to pay us so we didn't push it. We bought her a new car and paid the notes on the car all except the last 8 payments when we told her we needed to buy us a new car so she needed to take over the payments.

    After she graduated with her BS in Information Technology she started to change, but not horrible change, just change. We pushed it away just thinking it was all part of her growing up, but after she got married and went back to get her Master Degree she turned into someone I would avoid like the plague if she were not my daughter. She has basically thrown her family away like we were yesterday's trash. She talks down to us like we are idiots and the hardest part is she had called us such horrible names because we don't believe in her political views. She no longer believes in God, says family isn't important, and for some reason thinks I am jealous of what she has accomplished. We have always been very proud of her and have always told her so.

    Once the election was over last year she make the complete transition into a stranger to her family. Family members have made it a point to let me know that they do not want anything to do with her(this includes her brothers). She started seeing a psychiatrist and therapist last year and since then things have gotten even worse. She viciously attacks me verbally on social media if I do not agree with her views, or those of her friends. I have cried until I can't cry anymore and I decided I would stand up to her, BIG MISTAKE. Now she won't talk to me at all. She has blocked me on social media and will not answer my text messages. All because I called her out on lies she has come to believe as truth. This all started when she started seeing the psychiatrist and therapist. She has come up with memories of events that NEVER happened and when I called her on them she went completely off the deep end. I told her that she needed to tell the psychiatrist to get the true answers from her, not the fake one's she has made up. Anytime she is called out on her lies she starts by saying I want her life and always have. That I am the reason she is so mentally ill. She said I ruined her college career by not allowing her to join a sorority(she made the decision because of her boyfriend at the time). She also made the decision not to join because she had a job and the sorority informed her that if her job interfered with sorority functions she would have to make a decision about what was most important(again her choice because she liked her job).

    I just don't know what to do. I have told her I love her and that I am sorry I wasn't the mother she always wanted. I have reached out to her and she will not answer me. Her father(my husband) and her brothers(our sons) have basically washed their hands of her and don't want anything to do with her as most of the rest of our family have also. I don't know what to do. My heart is broken!!

    Deedee
     
  2. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    This is a heartbreaking thing, I know. To have a child who rewrites the history of their upbringing.

    My son has also reworked into his origin story concepts that he began to explore, but had not yet fully reconciled, in therapy.

    I think he exploited and twisted those discoveries though, for the same reason he later began to badmouth the therapeutic program itself. To explain away the shame of resuming substance abuse and of his stalled life. And to manipulate us with guilt, so we would enable that life.

    But, his therapeutic process was ultimately on the right track. And my son did not make up facts against us. He just weaponized what he had begun to learn — when therapy is supposed to allow for healing.

    What your daughter is saying must be especially painful — because it is not true. Maybe there’s some validation that comes from knowing those false memories were elicited by a dangerously inept therapist, but not much comfort, I would imagine.

    You know what’s true though. Your immediate family grew up in the same home and know. I would try and stay strong in that knowledge, first by turning off the social media and hanging up on the lies. A friend of mine uses a little parting mantra to help her disengage: Maybe something like: “We will always love you, even if we have different opinions. We are here for you when you are honest about the facts.”

    Re normal parental guilt; therapy helped me to reframe it. Assuming you were not a monster Mom, you have to be careful Monday morning quarterbacking your parenting. We can use it to validate our kids by acknowledge the pain we unwittingly caused and to keep learning and growing as parents. But it’s not good parenting to let your kids push guilt buttons. We have to teach and model that caring people can forgive — and don’t want other people to feel perpetually bad.

    In the end, you have to do what your heart needs to do to. Maybe that means no contact. Or maybe you keep fighting for your daughter to wake up from the trance. It won’t happen in a Twitter war, though.

    If I were in the fighting spirit, I would see if there have been complaints against her therapist, I would research implanted memories, I would consider the possibility that there was trauma from another source, and I would consider and try to sympathize with whatever emotional issues or demons might be fueling the storytelling.
     
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  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Dee Dee. I'm sorry you're going thru so much sorrow about your daughter.

    Your story is a sad one, but not unusual. Often we as parents don't know why our adult kids go off the rails or choose to throw us overboard. Not knowing the reason is very hard. The bottom line is that it is their choice and we are powerless to alter it. It is so hurtful to raise our beloved children only to reach a point where they remove us from their lives and we have no idea why.

    I think it becomes necessary to start the process of detaching from our kids choices and dramas when they treat us badly....we have no control over their choices. You can either allow your daughter to call the shots in your relationship and then suffer the consequences of those choices......or you can disengage from her choices and begin to make your needs and desires the priority. It's not easy. It isn't what any of us want. But we are powerless to change another. All we can change is ourselves and our responses.

    You may find some comfort and guidance in reading the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Another resource is a book called Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. If you feel your daughter has a form of mental illness or a conduct disorder, you can give NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental illness a call. You can access them online and they have chapters in most cities. They have excellent parent courses which many of us here have taken where you receive support, guidance, information and resources. Many of us seek professional support thru a private therapist because it is so difficult to begin to detach from our adult troubled kids and learn to accept what we can't change. Acceptance is what will ultimately bring you some peace.....and it is the most challenging part of this whole process. If you don't accept what is, then you will be arguing with reality and trying to control what is out of your control.....all you can control are your responses. To that end, therapy is a good choice.....to have someone help you to recognize that there isn't anything you can do to change this or control it or fix it.....only your daughter can do that and right now, she is unwilling to do so.

    This is all very hard Dee Dee.....not one of us here expected nor wanted the outcome we are all dealing with.....however, it is what it is and we have to learn how to cope with all of it. What we've learned here is that WE are the ones who need to change......to learn different ways of responding to our adult kids, to not allow their dramas to ruin our lives, to not allow them to manipulate us, abuse us, treat us disrespectfully......to set boundaries around bad behavior....There is a lot to let go of. There is a lot to accept. It's hard. But it's doable.

    Your daughter has told you what she wants. You don't need to grovel and continue to apologize for real or imagined wrong doings. I would encourage you to leave her alone now, to find ways to take care of yourself, to seek professional support, keep posting and doing very kind and nurturing things for yourself. There is nothing for you to do but accept her present choice and find ways to take care of yourself so that you feel okay. You matter too. Your needs and desires matter. Put the focus on yourself now.....make that the priority.

    Hang in there. You're not alone. I'm glad you're here.
     
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  4. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Deedee;
    How my heart breaks for you. My son fabrictaed a lot of craziness about us when he was acting out and using drugs heavily. He now recognizes that these are not truths. But there was a time he actually began to believe his lies.

    It is incredibly painful. Take the joy your other children can give you.

    I agree with all of the advice that had been previously given to you. Please know you are not alone. Many of us here have sustained near fatal wounds from our Difficult Child.

    There is no rhym or reason to why this happens. And it is more important to start working in healing yourself than opening yourself yo to more pain.
     
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  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    deedee. welcome.

    i am feeling fury on your behalf. do you feel anger at her? you should!

    she is behaving badly as a human being. absolutely contrary to how she was raised. this has nothing to do with politics or culture wars. this has to do with humanity and decency.

    she has a right to go her own way. she does not have a right to abuse you or anybody.

    find your righteous anger! let her handle herself! let her be! this is not about you or your parenting. it is entirely and only about her.

    i am sorry. i do know how painful this is. this is a process. the first step is getting mad. and locating the responsibility where it lies. in her.

    she is gaslighting you.
     
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  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This disowning parent is new and epidemic with adult children. Many therapists encourage no contact and our adult children feel more validated in this mean decision. Family doesn't matter??? Then she shouldn't ask for anything from you. Hmmmm.

    I learned about it in detail about this "family doesn't matter" when a child we adopted at six walked out of our lives fifteen years ago. In fact, I needed two years of intensive therapy, a support group, and I had to grieve. I hope it never goes this long for you. There are certain life issues that causes estrangement like this. Divorce causes breaks with our more immature adult children. Our finding a new partner can. THEIR marriage to somebody who doesn't like us or wants our child to themselves can. Usually we are never given a reason. The election was contentious...but she took it too far. I hate and fear Trump. No secret. But my oldest voted for him. We agreed to disagree and don't discuss politics.

    It is not your fault. It is more about her. And, yes, they rewrite history and it seems this horror show happens to those of us who let our kids know how much they mean to us.

    I found the best comfort was gratitude and much contact with those loved ones who are nice to me...my dear husband and other four kids. In time, I grieved it and got over it and am doing well. It wasn't worth the abuse I got when I tried to mend things or to at least know what I did. But I just heard "You know" or silence. Until there was just silence.

    Recently I inherited money, we redid our will, and he is cut out. He is no longer acting like a son. For fifteen years not a word and I never saw his children. I suspect his wife started it and he complied. It's on him.

    I doubt it will come to this for you, but I just wanted you to know you are not alone being abused by an adult child.

    My heart breaks for you. Lean on your kind loved ones. Don't blame you for her.
     
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    Last edited: Dec 3, 2017
  7. Deedee1662

    Deedee1662 New Member

    Thank you all so much for your advice I guess I have been so blindsided by the drastic change in her that I feel like my brain is quivering. She stated seeing a psychiatrist in September of 2016 because she and her husband were having issues. He(the psychiatrist)told her she was bipolar and put her on medication; this only hastened the change. On November 28th, 2016 she called me at work and said she was on her way to the ER because she was having thoughts of suicide. I left work immediately and went straight to the hospital. After about 4 hours I was finally allowed to see her and she acting fine. Smiling, laughing, talking like there was nothing wrong. She was sent to another state(about 1 1/2 hours away) to an inpatient facility for the 72 hour evaluation.

    When her 72 hours were up she called me and my husband to come get her. We did! When I questioned her about what she was told, she said the doctor at the facility told her that if she was bipolar then she was the highest functioning bipolar person he had ever seen and that he did not think she was bipolar. It also came out that the psychiatrist she was seeing had moved and the day before he left he doubled her Prozac without anyone left to monitor her reaction. The doctor at the psychiatric hospital took her off Prozac and put her on Tranxene and Neutontin. She then changed psychiatrist and now I don't know what she is taking, but her moods swing in so many different directions and can change in a split second.

    Every time she decides she doesn't want to talk to me the initial pain is so intense it is hard to breath, but honestly it is getting easier with every passing day. I have thought seriously about doing as suggested above and just go no contact for a while to give myself a chance to heal.

    Maybe it is the wrong way to deal with this, but pushing happy memories away are the best way for me to deal. When I think about the happy times it feels like I am going to suffocate because it seems as if someone/something has taken her away and that she will be back. I don't think the person she was just 2 years ago will ever be back.
     
  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Wow I know you are a nurse as am I. Placing a a person with Bipolar disorder on an antidepressant alone is a very dangerous course of action. The do tend to exacerbate with their symptoms of this occurs.

    Regardless she is sick and this is very difficult. There are many high functioning people with MH issues including Bipolar disorder. In her current state she may interpret what is said to her with a different meaning than how to was conveyed.

    There is a group called NAMI and this Amy be an excellent resource group for you to look into. They are a support group that help the families and care givers of people with MH issues.

    This is not easy to deal with.
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Don't personalize it! Great advice. Hatred toward a parent is mean and unwarranted and is more about her than you unless you abused her greatly and it sounds like you did absolutely nothing of the sort. The opposite, in fact. But I learned that loving our kids does not create love back in all adult children.

    in my opinion she sounds borderline, not bipolar. Also (a bit of fyi) I was diagnosed with bipolar 2, which I am not sure was the right diagnosis, but antidepressants not only did not make me manic, but probably saved my life. I NEED my antidepressant. All people are different. A mood disorder does not cause meanness, but personality disorders do. Read up on borderline.

    It doesn't matter why your daughter is doing this though. Unless she is psychotic she doesn't have to be mean. I understand why the others in your family are so done with her. My other loved ones are done with Gone boy.

    And so am I. I realize now that I did nothing to deserve it...my other kids think he is wrong. You are being told the same thing.

    Protect yourself. Do what protects you the most. It is never good for anyone, you or the abused, for you to allow anyone to abuse you.

    Be kind to yourself. Who knows if your daughter will continue this abuse. She may, she may not. Keep an open mind and heart to all possibilities and just love yourself. And surround yourself with those who treat you right.
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2017
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I wanted to share this as well. I learned it on another forum for parents who have been discarded. Yes, there is such a place.

    We want to be in our children and grandchildren's lives, but is this a right we have or a desire? The hurt of it is that our kids are ours until eighteen. After that we have no right to be in their lives legally. If they don't want us to be, we must not unless they let us back in. On that forum some parents were given restraining orders when they went to see their kids to demand an explanation or just to see their faces.

    I am sure Gone boy would do this. Even if I texted him too much, he would. I was smart enough to not do this, although I wanted to.

    We can only have a relationship with people who want one. Legally this is a fact.

    The election was an excuse. Unless maybe you are a family that talks non-stop about politics...she could have just requested you not talk politics with her.

    This is very sad, but you have other loved ones. Don't let it break you. They need you. You need you.
     
  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Deedee, so sorry for your situation and your need to be here. It is a shock to the system when d cs go off the rails and shift blame on their parents.
    You have received some very solid advice.
    The hard part, is to process all that is happening inside of YOU, due to your daughters irrational and difficult behavior.
    I have been through stuff with my two daughters that is very unsettling. Not the same as you have, there are drugs involved with my two, but I think the initial reaction on my part was similar to yours. It is a grieving of loss of relationship.
    Here are some steps of grieving (from my University-Google)
    • SHOCK & DENIAL- You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. ...
    • PAIN & GUILT- ...
    • ANGER & BARGAINING- ...
    • "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS- ...
    • THE UPWARD TURN- ...
    • RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH- ...
    • ACCEPTANCE & HOPE
    I think the pain and guilt piece is exacerbated by our d cs, as they tend to blame everything on us. It becomes a sort of game for them. On my walk this morning, I was thinking about it. Survival mode. They are in survival mode, hunting for anything that validates their actions. We become prey to them, easy targets, and they will cling to anything real or imagined to excuse their bad behavior. The longer we are stuck in pain and guilt, the more they will pull at our heartstrings.
    It is an easy way out for them, to deflect blame for their actions on their parents. We become the wrong ones, the reason for their consequences.
    It is a hard, hard place to be, because we can look back into our past and pick out times when we faltered, start to get stuck into the cycle of blaming ourselves.
    This is where our ill adult children ensnare us.
    The focus is on them, they have got us right where they want us.
    We are reduced to "less than a person".
    That's how I feel my two view me.
    The drugs, illness whatever our d cs are going through becomes first and foremost in their lives.
    It is a vicious, mind baffling, heart wrenching thing when this happens to a relationship with our beloved children, who are now adults.
    No one would have predicted it.
    How on earth are we supposed to overcome this?
    We must.
    Simple.
    Our going down into the deep dark recesses of where ever this came from, will not save them.
    I have come to think that my building myself up, self care, not just surviving , but thriving, is the best thing I can do for my d cs.
    Show them by example, model self care.
    Believe me, I have tried just about everything else, to no avail.
    Did I make mistakes parenting? Heck yes. But, I am only an imperfect human. Did the best I could with what I had at the time.
    I can't let my older, more understanding self, judge the mistakes of my younger self.
    Went through those tapes, apologized profusely to my two.
    Went through times of guilt, depression, reduced myself to a mess, caught up in the swirly whirly of it all.
    That got really, really, tiring.
    Feeling like a wet, yucky dishrag.
    Sigh.
    Well.
    We cannot control the actions, attitudes, consequences of the choices our d cs make.
    Period.
    They will do what they want to do.
    Period.
    If you take away all of the emotions of it, start to look at things from a different viewpoint, other than your broken heart, then, you will be able to shift your focus.
    It is really, really important.
    Not easy to pull up and out of the muck of it, don't kick yourself for feeling the way you do.
    Take the time you need to process it, then figure out what you need to do to strengthen yourself.
    Reading and writing helps, a lot.
    Understanding you have absolutely no control over your d cs choices, helps.
    Don't wrote the end of her story, things may change.
    For the time being, no one, no one, no one, least of all a child you raised to adulthood, has the right to mistreat you, or reduce you to a blubbering, heartbroken, mess.
    NO ONE!

    So, start to try as best you can to pull up and out of the deep dark hole she is trying to keep you in.

    You didn't cause this, can't change it, and have no control over it.

    Do what you need to breathe, and strengthen yourself.

    You are in a battle, guard your heart, and build your armor.

    This kind of stuff, kicks us right in the gut. It is a blow to the head and heart.

    I am sorry for your heartache.

    No matter what your daughter says, or does, YOU MATTER!

    You have value and worth.

    And, you are not alone.

    Welcome.

    Big, big, HUGS!

    Leafy