His depression scares me to be quite frank. I am a single mom and I feel like my hands are tied when it comes to disciplining because I worry about what he will do. He doesn't make threats to harm himself but he says he has thought about it more in the last few months. He is 16 and recently diagnosed with major depressive disorder and general anxiety by the psychiatrist that I finally got him in to see. For the last 3 weeks or so he has been on Cymbalta, the last week of which is at 60mg daily. I'm not sure if it's working yet. We also have weekly appts with the psychiatrist. He never went back to school after the xmas break - said he couldn't. He is planning to take the CHSPE in March and just be done with school. He may then sign up for classes at the community college but time will tell. He works as a barista and aside from that and outings to his girlfriend's house, he rarely goes anywhere. He prefers to stay in his room and play on his computer.
So last night I was gone - every once in a while I get up the nerve to go out of town overnight. At 16 he should be able to be trusted to be home alone, and as long as his mood is okay then I will sometimes go ahead and make plans. Without going into all the specifics about how I caught him, the long and short of it is that he ended up planning an overnighter with his girlfriend here at the house. He also took a bottle of my wine for their consumption. She is 15 and they both got in trouble 3 or so months ago for her coming over and hanging out here without either mine nor her parents permission. The were both apologetic - her more than him.. he was just mad that he was caught and that I informed the girlfriend's mother. I tried to explain to him that if the situation were reversed, I would be very upset if I weren't told. So here we are again last night - she is "staying the night" at a friends and he has the house to himself. Well I called her mother who promptly drove over her and picked her up. Afterwards my son says I ruined his life. He says they "were fine" and "weren't going to do anything" but just wanted alone time together. It's not even that I think they were necessarily going to have sex (they hadn't yet).. I mean, I'm not an idiot so I know THAT is on his mind, but I know he really wanted to fall asleep with her. I almost felt bad when I got home and saw his room all prepared with candles and roses. Still, it's NOT okay that she come over without a parent home, particulary SLEEP over, and the alcohol? That is the worst part of it for me - him willing to drink wine and give HER wine also, not to mention how that might interact with the Cymbalta. Her mom doesn't even know that part, or about their intention to stay the night together. The other real kicker for me is him blaming me and not having any remorse for making bad decisions - no, I am at fault because I called her mom and ruined his life. If I "wouldn't have called then none of this would have happened" rather than "if I wouldn't have snuck her over..."
So here I am trying to figure out how to discipline. Last night on the way home I had him on the phone - he was angry with me and made sure I knew it. I was trying to figure out if he was "managing" or if I had to worry about him. I wasn't sure what to do, but it's very scary to me to feel trapped by his depression... like I have to walk on eggshells around discipline because he might take it too hard and consider suicide. He talked last night like it wasn't out of the question, like why shouldn't he and he's not going to be able to see his girlfriend anymore (or for a very long time) and she is the "1 thing that makes him happy"...
I have to work Mon -Fri and he has been here alone all day. That has been fine but if I implement some sort of consequence that he finds particularly unfavorable then I will worry about him all day long. I do believe in a punishment that fits the crime but in this situation I just don't know. I currently have him locked out of the internet but did not take his phone. Not having his computer and means to connect with his online friends is going to sting, and so would taking the phone but I think that might push him over the edge (figuratively speaking). I don't think stripping him of every outlet would be the smartest thing to do.
What would you guys do in this situation?
So last night I was gone - every once in a while I get up the nerve to go out of town overnight. At 16 he should be able to be trusted to be home alone, and as long as his mood is okay then I will sometimes go ahead and make plans. Without going into all the specifics about how I caught him, the long and short of it is that he ended up planning an overnighter with his girlfriend here at the house. He also took a bottle of my wine for their consumption. She is 15 and they both got in trouble 3 or so months ago for her coming over and hanging out here without either mine nor her parents permission. The were both apologetic - her more than him.. he was just mad that he was caught and that I informed the girlfriend's mother. I tried to explain to him that if the situation were reversed, I would be very upset if I weren't told. So here we are again last night - she is "staying the night" at a friends and he has the house to himself. Well I called her mother who promptly drove over her and picked her up. Afterwards my son says I ruined his life. He says they "were fine" and "weren't going to do anything" but just wanted alone time together. It's not even that I think they were necessarily going to have sex (they hadn't yet).. I mean, I'm not an idiot so I know THAT is on his mind, but I know he really wanted to fall asleep with her. I almost felt bad when I got home and saw his room all prepared with candles and roses. Still, it's NOT okay that she come over without a parent home, particulary SLEEP over, and the alcohol? That is the worst part of it for me - him willing to drink wine and give HER wine also, not to mention how that might interact with the Cymbalta. Her mom doesn't even know that part, or about their intention to stay the night together. The other real kicker for me is him blaming me and not having any remorse for making bad decisions - no, I am at fault because I called her mom and ruined his life. If I "wouldn't have called then none of this would have happened" rather than "if I wouldn't have snuck her over..."
So here I am trying to figure out how to discipline. Last night on the way home I had him on the phone - he was angry with me and made sure I knew it. I was trying to figure out if he was "managing" or if I had to worry about him. I wasn't sure what to do, but it's very scary to me to feel trapped by his depression... like I have to walk on eggshells around discipline because he might take it too hard and consider suicide. He talked last night like it wasn't out of the question, like why shouldn't he and he's not going to be able to see his girlfriend anymore (or for a very long time) and she is the "1 thing that makes him happy"...
I have to work Mon -Fri and he has been here alone all day. That has been fine but if I implement some sort of consequence that he finds particularly unfavorable then I will worry about him all day long. I do believe in a punishment that fits the crime but in this situation I just don't know. I currently have him locked out of the internet but did not take his phone. Not having his computer and means to connect with his online friends is going to sting, and so would taking the phone but I think that might push him over the edge (figuratively speaking). I don't think stripping him of every outlet would be the smartest thing to do.
What would you guys do in this situation?