nerfherder
Active Member
I had to chuckle. When the judge at the hearing asked Kiddo to state her name, she squinted then read off the name on his nameplate.
I give up. It hurts too much to hope.
- Thread starter Copabanana
- Start date
I had to chuckle. When the judge at the hearing asked Kiddo to state her name, she squinted then read off the name on his nameplate.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Thank you everybody for your kind and thoughtful replies. I spoke with M. This is more or less what he thinks: He says there is no reason to rush to do anything. That my son will be safe where he is for a week or so more. That I should not rush to speak to him or to see him or to talk to him, but let him sit with it.
He has used all of his SSI money for the month and will be in no position to go anywhere until the first. If I am lucky, he will feel under pressure to agree to the 3 month program, just to have somewhere to stay the last week of the month. And once committed he will be afraid to leave and have it affect his SSI. Hopefully. That would be the best case, and one that I will try to hang on to, so that I do not call him, and make my plight worse. I know I have no control here but hope is a good thing, right?
I have no hope that a 3 month program will cure him but it will give me time.
M is concerned about the guardianship in the following ways: that my son becomes my enemy; that there be irreversible consequences, to him. He is also unsure if I would realistically be able to force my son to take his antiviral medicine, if he does not want it.
To insure that kind of medication compliance would almost require that he live in a board and care setting, and I do not think I would want to do that to my son.
This is the same child who when he was 18 saved his Christmas job earnings to buy a ticket to Rio de Janeiro to see a girl. It all fell apart within days, but he did it. And he saw it through. I do not want to break what remains of that spirit or confidence or hope. If I can avoid it.
If I decide to go for guardianship I know my son will oppose me. He will be entitled to free counsel to represent him, and I believe he will win. I work in mental health. I do not think that I will win. Not yet.
That is not a reason to not do it, but I need do to it when I am as strong, sure, and as ready, as is possible. And I need to do it when I am sure that there are no other roads to take. I am not there yet.
My worst fear is that I wait so long that he becomes ill from his liver. For now, I will pray.
M thinks the only realistic solution for my son to improve is that he live with us, or very near us, if I could tolerate it. But the thing is, M thinks that if my son lived with us, in a year he would most likely try to declare us incapacitated and try to take over our assets and put us out of the house. I am not laughing here.
I have gained ground in 24 hours. M and I are back talking. When I was mad at him I thought I had lost everything. I was so distraught at the time I did not see that I had pushed him away.
I have some clarity about me. For several months we have been talking about going across country to a new BIG CITY where there are all of the resources and diversions in the world nearby. We had planned to leave soon. In the next 2 months. But I had waffled.
We want to do it. We want to go. There I can go to 5 codependents anonymous meetings a day if I want to, and 5 Al Anon meetings too. I can do anything fun in the world that I want. We can be together without a lot of stress and away from the problema of my son. A time out. I feel guilty about the money but I can work when I return. It is as if decided.
M wants me to do what ever I intend to do about my son now, before we leave, but I think this is a mistake. M fears that we will go across country and I will be unable to tolerate my anxiety and fear about my son. That I will make him miserable and want to come back right now.
I think otherwise. I think that I will deal with it because I will have to. And I will reach out to others to help me as I have done with you.
I think it is worth seeing how my going across country affects my son. He has always known that I am right here. Whether he sees me or talks to me or is mad at me he knows he always has me right here. I want to see what are his choices, without me right here. If it changes anything at all.
When we come back I might look for work in a city where I can enroll in the Codependency Program that Recovering completed. I called about it today, and it is an option for me but not until January 2016, as I need to change my insurance.
For today, the ball is in my son's court, not mine. For next week, too, if I can stay strong.
In 24 hours I have developed a plan. I will do my best to stick to it. Never in a million years could I have gotten this far without you all. I am grateful beyond words. Please, please anybody that has thoughts for me, I appreciate them. And I will take them to heart.
I will be here for you, too. You know that.
Thank you,
COPA
He has used all of his SSI money for the month and will be in no position to go anywhere until the first. If I am lucky, he will feel under pressure to agree to the 3 month program, just to have somewhere to stay the last week of the month. And once committed he will be afraid to leave and have it affect his SSI. Hopefully. That would be the best case, and one that I will try to hang on to, so that I do not call him, and make my plight worse. I know I have no control here but hope is a good thing, right?
I have no hope that a 3 month program will cure him but it will give me time.
M is concerned about the guardianship in the following ways: that my son becomes my enemy; that there be irreversible consequences, to him. He is also unsure if I would realistically be able to force my son to take his antiviral medicine, if he does not want it.
To insure that kind of medication compliance would almost require that he live in a board and care setting, and I do not think I would want to do that to my son.
This is the same child who when he was 18 saved his Christmas job earnings to buy a ticket to Rio de Janeiro to see a girl. It all fell apart within days, but he did it. And he saw it through. I do not want to break what remains of that spirit or confidence or hope. If I can avoid it.
If I decide to go for guardianship I know my son will oppose me. He will be entitled to free counsel to represent him, and I believe he will win. I work in mental health. I do not think that I will win. Not yet.
That is not a reason to not do it, but I need do to it when I am as strong, sure, and as ready, as is possible. And I need to do it when I am sure that there are no other roads to take. I am not there yet.
My worst fear is that I wait so long that he becomes ill from his liver. For now, I will pray.
M thinks the only realistic solution for my son to improve is that he live with us, or very near us, if I could tolerate it. But the thing is, M thinks that if my son lived with us, in a year he would most likely try to declare us incapacitated and try to take over our assets and put us out of the house. I am not laughing here.
I have gained ground in 24 hours. M and I are back talking. When I was mad at him I thought I had lost everything. I was so distraught at the time I did not see that I had pushed him away.
I have some clarity about me. For several months we have been talking about going across country to a new BIG CITY where there are all of the resources and diversions in the world nearby. We had planned to leave soon. In the next 2 months. But I had waffled.
We want to do it. We want to go. There I can go to 5 codependents anonymous meetings a day if I want to, and 5 Al Anon meetings too. I can do anything fun in the world that I want. We can be together without a lot of stress and away from the problema of my son. A time out. I feel guilty about the money but I can work when I return. It is as if decided.
M wants me to do what ever I intend to do about my son now, before we leave, but I think this is a mistake. M fears that we will go across country and I will be unable to tolerate my anxiety and fear about my son. That I will make him miserable and want to come back right now.
I think otherwise. I think that I will deal with it because I will have to. And I will reach out to others to help me as I have done with you.
I think it is worth seeing how my going across country affects my son. He has always known that I am right here. Whether he sees me or talks to me or is mad at me he knows he always has me right here. I want to see what are his choices, without me right here. If it changes anything at all.
When we come back I might look for work in a city where I can enroll in the Codependency Program that Recovering completed. I called about it today, and it is an option for me but not until January 2016, as I need to change my insurance.
For today, the ball is in my son's court, not mine. For next week, too, if I can stay strong.
In 24 hours I have developed a plan. I will do my best to stick to it. Never in a million years could I have gotten this far without you all. I am grateful beyond words. Please, please anybody that has thoughts for me, I appreciate them. And I will take them to heart.
I will be here for you, too. You know that.
Thank you,
COPA
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Hey Copa, so glad you are able to talk with M and are in a better place than yesterday. I think you are very wise to be questioning the guardianship thing. If you feel he won't comply with medications or therapy or whatever then there would be no point in proceeding further. And equally important would be your own mental health and well being. Like I said earlier, you know your son best and what you can live with. I pray for you for wisdom to make a decision and for peace with whatever decision you make.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Copa, you made a good point about guardianship. My son is compliant and happy with it. That's different. I do hope you go to Big City of your dreams. Copa, you and I have sort of "been through" so much together on other thread about FOO. I wish you the best and that you do WHAT YOU want to do. Coda was such an important turning point in my life I cant even explain it. Changed my thinking, changed my entire way of looking at things. It was the beginning of my recovery. I was 34 or 35 and in a nowhere marriage where I got no money and handed my paychecks to ex and was so depressed I thought about suicide daily and was still convinced I was a selfish, lousy nobody. CODA helped move me forward and I made many friends.
Follow your heart, Copa. It is made of gold and is wise. It won't steer you wrong. Sorry about the underscore. Not sure how to get rid of it...hugs.
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
Three months of freedom, Copa. Three months to be whoever it turns out you will become. Three months when you are focused on yourself and on M, and not your son.
That can be a lifetime of time.
:O)
Cedar
Childofmine
one day at a time
I think this is a very important point that Tanya wrote about. I think we think this and feel it and sometimes say it, very quickly, as if to say it might make it happen, but we don't stay with it enough and "unpack" it very often. If we stay with this idea---how afraid we are that their dangerous lifestyle will end in their premature death---and allow ourselves to sit with it, look at it, accept that yes, it can happen (and of course it can happen to anyone at anytime, as we know but don't often recognize)...then some of the power is gone. Some of the absolute dread diminishes.
I did that.
I remember the huge knot in my stomach and my throat and my incredible anxiety and sleeplessness and despair and crying uncontrollably and feeling just sick inside and depressed and terrified and an intensity to DO SOMETHING...and at the root of it all was my fear that he would die very soon, and further, that he would be in some ditch somewhere dead or hurt and I wouldn't know it, and he wouldn't be able to get help.
I cried to my husband many times, I'm just so afraid he will die. That was a legitimate feeling and it felt intolerable to me.
He often said: Most addicts are the most resilient people in the world. They are survivors. Believe me, most of them make it through.
Sometimes, I couldn't hear that, when he said it, at all. My son might be the very one who doesn't make it.
So assurances don't work very well.
What does work, I believe, is accepting that yes, this could happen. And learning to live with it. Living with the uncertainty of life.
To me, that became the task. Not just about him, but in all situations.
If you allow yourself to do this, when you can, and when it is right for you, and you do the work of acceptance, there is peace on the other side.
Thanks, Tanya, for holding the focus on this.
We never wanted guardianship over our Difficult Child. However, husband is her designated payee for SS.
My thought with guardianship, please correct me if I'm wrong, was that could get confusing legally.
If we have guardianship, if Difficult Child does something inappropriate like physically hurt someone, or have a party in her apartment and someone gets hurt, or drives a car and gets into a bad accident and someone gets hurt, or loses her temper and hits someone etc., could the person (s) turn around and sue the guardian? I was thinking, Copa, you have an advanced degree and wouldn't that just be more fodder for a good attorney? "Why Ms. Copa, I see you have a doctorate in ------. And I see you are D.c.'s legal guardian. Weren't you aware that Difficult Child was acting unusually out of sorts the week of May 12th? Didn't you in fact call his doctor and complain about this? Well, Dr. Copa, why didn't you institutionalize your Difficult Child and protect my client from this awful injury?"
For us, being SS payee was/is the most important thing as it helps greatly to guarantee a roof over her head. Without control here, I'm 99.999 % sure Difficult Child would be homeless.
Again, I'm so sorry that you are going through this heartache and I would push like heck to get that SS payee thing fixed.
But I'm curious about guardian ships as I personally think it could have legal problem potential and for us, I just don't think it is right overall.
My thought with guardianship, please correct me if I'm wrong, was that could get confusing legally.
If we have guardianship, if Difficult Child does something inappropriate like physically hurt someone, or have a party in her apartment and someone gets hurt, or drives a car and gets into a bad accident and someone gets hurt, or loses her temper and hits someone etc., could the person (s) turn around and sue the guardian? I was thinking, Copa, you have an advanced degree and wouldn't that just be more fodder for a good attorney? "Why Ms. Copa, I see you have a doctorate in ------. And I see you are D.c.'s legal guardian. Weren't you aware that Difficult Child was acting unusually out of sorts the week of May 12th? Didn't you in fact call his doctor and complain about this? Well, Dr. Copa, why didn't you institutionalize your Difficult Child and protect my client from this awful injury?"
For us, being SS payee was/is the most important thing as it helps greatly to guarantee a roof over her head. Without control here, I'm 99.999 % sure Difficult Child would be homeless.
Again, I'm so sorry that you are going through this heartache and I would push like heck to get that SS payee thing fixed.
But I'm curious about guardian ships as I personally think it could have legal problem potential and for us, I just don't think it is right overall.
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Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Thank you COM. I recall something that Cedar wrote, that when the life of her child was in the balance, and she feared she would really lose her, she was filled with gratitude and love that she had known her. Heard her voice, heard her laugh. She was filled with love and gratitude that she had existed at all. Her heart was full.
And that is the heart of the thing. If I think beyond an instant of the loss of my son, I feel only love and gratitude. Pushing past through the fear to find the heart of it, is only the deepest of love. A love so sweet that I would want to live within it, if I could.
And that choice was always there for us, and will always be there for us, until our last breath. How unbelievably sweet, COM. I will aspire to this. Thank you.
And that is the heart of the thing. If I think beyond an instant of the loss of my son, I feel only love and gratitude. Pushing past through the fear to find the heart of it, is only the deepest of love. A love so sweet that I would want to live within it, if I could.
And we find the unbelievable sweetness of the love behind the dread. Love so deep that it is worth everything and more, to endure the heartache we know so well.
Living within the love makes this possible; the uncertainties of life, become neither here nor there. We have decided to, chosen to live enveloped by and defined by our love, not our fear.
And that choice was always there for us, and will always be there for us, until our last breath. How unbelievably sweet, COM. I will aspire to this. Thank you.
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Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Nomad, I am curious how you got this status, for your husband to be payee.
.
Six months ago or so my son went to Social Security. I went with him. He stated this: I want my Mother to be my payee. I am not managing my money well. I lose my debit cards month after month and am without money to live.
It was a supervisor and she said no. She told him that their preference was that recipients manage and control their own money. Even though she looked on the computer and she was able to verify that what my son said was true. He had requested to be reissued new debit cards month after month because he had lost them.
I read on the Social Security website something like the following: If you believe a recipient is not managing their payment sufficiently well, to have housing and food and other necessities, please notify Social Security by calling this number.
Yesterday I called. I told the Rep my son is being preyed upon for his check. He gives people a huge amount of his check to sleep on a couch. He does not have a key. He has no tenants rights. He is thrown out after a few days, a week. This is happening week after week. Month after month.
She refused to help me. Again she said, we want them to handle their own money. They are adults. They have that right.
She told me if I was concerned why not have him move home with me.
There is something wrong here, and I do not understand what it is.
My son has no idea of how to manage money. He has no idea how to protect himself against people who want to harm him. Except after the fact. Through anger and conflict.
The last night he was here with us, he saw a package of Smoked Salmon in my freezer. He knew he wanted it all. Mom, how much did you pay for that package of Lox? $20 I think. Can I pay you $10 for it?
NO. We bought that as a delicacy, to eat a little bit at a time. Have some if you wish. If I am not in a position to pay for and eat a package of Smoked Salmon in a sitting you are not either.
I know I overreacted. I do not think he understood one word. He knew only that in that moment he wanted it, he had the money in his pocket.
That is how my son relates to money.
I told the Social Security person this: So the policy is to permit recipients to over and over again hurt themselves or permit others to hurt them, repeatedly? That is what I am hearing. Is there another way to understand this?
Oh, no. That's not it.
Thank you for your help.
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plymouthmom
New Member
Hi Copa I am sorry for your difficult situation. And I can relate about your son. My son in many ways is similar. He is very smart and intelligent but has some very serious limitations that I never accepted.
I am glad you are no longer blaming yourself. When I stopped blaming myself the relationship with my son started to change. Previously in an unspoken voice he could feel my guilt and shame and did less of what he is capable of because I would pick up the slack in some way. I have told him at times that it is not my fault (his disability). It is his responsibility to learn how to be as functional as he can with his limitations. I have become more accepting of this and know I cant change it. It feels better.
I know you have some tough decisions and I want you to close your eyes and feel all the support and love from us that you need. We are here for you.
I am glad you are no longer blaming yourself. When I stopped blaming myself the relationship with my son started to change. Previously in an unspoken voice he could feel my guilt and shame and did less of what he is capable of because I would pick up the slack in some way. I have told him at times that it is not my fault (his disability). It is his responsibility to learn how to be as functional as he can with his limitations. I have become more accepting of this and know I cant change it. It feels better.
I know you have some tough decisions and I want you to close your eyes and feel all the support and love from us that you need. We are here for you.
Our daughter received SSI upon application. Approved right away. I think this was because she had well over ten years of consistent and detailed records of mental health issues. She also had good records involving her brain Surgery. Both her psychiatrist and psychologist wrote letters of support for her disability. I believe Within one of them, was a comment that one or both of her parents would need to manage her disability payments since she had great difficulty managing money.
I suspect her application and supporting documentation was one of the biggest files they had seen in a long time. One for the books.
I'm not sure, but I think when social security had her examined by one of their own doctors, the question may have come up. She freely admits she needs help in this area.
So, when she was approved, it was basically automatic.
If he is currently seeing a psychiatrist or at least goes back to one he has seen regularly in the last and this person writes a letter saying that he or she believes your son should have a designated payee, I believe that will help immensely. Combined with your son agreeing...I'm sure it would be granted.
Horrible that you have to go through this when your son already agreed before.
We don't do a sig. amount for our Difficult Child, but being the payee ensures a roof over her head vs. homelessness. We also keep a watchful eye over her medications and put them in containers for her every two weeks. We helped her fill out the paperwork for food stamps, but she, on her own has answered any questions they have had along the way. About once a month, we go with her to the food store and help her make better choices. At least with a roof over her head, she has a kitchen to cook, etc. and some calm allowing her to take her medications and sleep each night. She has the basics, and this is very important.
I suspect her application and supporting documentation was one of the biggest files they had seen in a long time. One for the books.
I'm not sure, but I think when social security had her examined by one of their own doctors, the question may have come up. She freely admits she needs help in this area.
So, when she was approved, it was basically automatic.
If he is currently seeing a psychiatrist or at least goes back to one he has seen regularly in the last and this person writes a letter saying that he or she believes your son should have a designated payee, I believe that will help immensely. Combined with your son agreeing...I'm sure it would be granted.
Horrible that you have to go through this when your son already agreed before.
We don't do a sig. amount for our Difficult Child, but being the payee ensures a roof over her head vs. homelessness. We also keep a watchful eye over her medications and put them in containers for her every two weeks. We helped her fill out the paperwork for food stamps, but she, on her own has answered any questions they have had along the way. About once a month, we go with her to the food store and help her make better choices. At least with a roof over her head, she has a kitchen to cook, etc. and some calm allowing her to take her medications and sleep each night. She has the basics, and this is very important.
nerfherder
Active Member
In my state one can apply for guardianship of person (medical decisions, as an example) or guardianship of estate (financial only) or both. They may require a court ordered guardianship of estate before granting you rep payee status.
nerfherder
Active Member
Yes, this.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
If your child is a criminal guardianship is bad and won't help. It isn't to restrict them. It is to help the disabled. It is cruel in my opinion to send a truly disabled adult on his own with no help. Example: no schizophrenic who does not know fantasy from reality should make his own decisions based on the delusions of his thought disorder. You will only get guardianship when the court has proof the adult can not make decisions for himself. You sign for him. You get medical information. You can make appointments. You can help get housing. Nobody stands guard over you. I have nobody monitoring me and my son. But I do have to sign about decisions and am consulted. It's not often. Sonic is pretty self sufficient.
I am the designated payee. I filled out the forms online, and I took him to the SS office. There was no argument about me being the payee, as I had filled out the form and taken him there. No problem being approved for SSI as they saw three hospitalizations in a thirty day period.
Maybe if the person applies him/herself it makes a difference?
Maybe if the person applies him/herself it makes a difference?
Lil
Well-Known Member
I just am shocked to hear this. This makes NO sense at all. If your son agrees to have a payee and you agree to act as payee, they should make you payee! It is not some government flunky's job to tell your son whether he is capable of managing his money. Your son and you make that call. Not them. If he's still willing, I'd go to that office again with him, and if they tell you know ask for a supervisor. If they are a supervisor, there will still be someone over their head. I wouldn't stop until I was at the freaking president!
Alternatively, contact your congressman, state rep, whoever. I know the SSA are Feds, not state, but let me tell you, when the director of our office gets a call from a state rep or congressman...they listen!
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I would want medical guardianship, Copa. You can't make him take his medications while he isn't in your home, but with medical guardianship you have the power just as if he were a minor child to say he needs help to a hospital and to be listened to. This is just my opinion and, oh, I know it is so hard to accept...I don't believe your son is capable of making good decisions for himself or to be completely on his own. He doesn't really understand that no medications means he can die. He also has delusions about the world and has suffered in utero drug exposure, probable alcohol exposure (which is even worse) and a head injury.
My sister-in-law's husband had a bad motorcycle accident and serious brain damage. He isn't the same now. He forgets. He can't drink. He used to drink too much, but now it has a bad effect on him and it bothers him. He forgets words and can't do the job he used to be able to do and he was very prosperous. They own their home straight up. His wife has to keep an eye on him and he gets depressed because he has lost some cognitive function, although he still has a normal IQ. A head injury can be a lifetime game changer. So is drug/alochol exposure in utero. Heck, although many don't like to admit it, even cigarettes during pregnancy can cause learning disabilities, smaller babies, problems. A pregnancy should be drug free for the baby's sake.
Copa, I had to take antidepressants at the tail end of my pregnancy and I still wonder if Bart had some problems because of the four weeks I took it. And I was in a psychiatric hospital when it was presscribed. They said I was too dangerously suicidal not to take it and that the baby was already pretty much formed. And I was young and stupid. So, yeah, I wonder.
I did not put my autistic son under my thumb. He is free to do whatever he wants. But if a medical emergency comes up, he can't make a good decision so I have that ability. I decide if he can own a fire arm. To me that's a no-brainer. He can't, no big deal to him because he doesn't have any desire to own one.We don't like guns in our house so he didn't see hunting etc. growing up. But you can also give permission for him to have a gun. Driving is another issue. The only restriction I put on hiim was the gun, which I knew would be no big deal to him. He could have gotten a driver's license, but he didn't want to drive.
We did get a lawyer, I thnk. We definitely did have to go to court.It was not much of a hearing and went very fast. It was not a punishment and Sonic did not see it as one. We had lunch afterward and life went on as before. I do have access to his medical records because he doesn't really understand them. He needs to see a cardiologist every five years because he had heart surgery as a baby and I make his appointments and take him or his caseworker takes him or a special bus comes by to take him. His heart has bseen great (thank you, Higher Power), but he needs to have it monitored and without my reminders, he would forget. Also dental care, which he gets, but would neglect.
A stranger can be a payee too. Many people choose strangers because they don't want to be th e one doling out the adult kid's money. Same with guardianship.
There is great peace of mind when an adult child, who has a few issues understanding important life saving things, is being supervised by both yourself and a caseworker. Of course, as I said before, Sonic is fine with it.
Some adults ARE disabled and do not understand or get how to take care of themselves an then we have choices to make. Your situation is so much worse because your son is not compliant with you and is angry and may see it as a punishment. I don't know.
I trust your intelligence and your good sense to make the right decision for your situation. I just wanted to explain what the situation is with us and how we received legal guardianship and what it means and doesn't mean. My son doesn't live with me. He can still come and go as he chooses without calling "mommy" I am thinking more about how he'd neglect his health and bills without us. Other than that, he can live his life his way. It does not mean micromanaging life for your adult child. You can't and shouldn't.
Many hugs to my very dear friend Copa. I know you will do the best thing for your beloved son.
My sister-in-law's husband had a bad motorcycle accident and serious brain damage. He isn't the same now. He forgets. He can't drink. He used to drink too much, but now it has a bad effect on him and it bothers him. He forgets words and can't do the job he used to be able to do and he was very prosperous. They own their home straight up. His wife has to keep an eye on him and he gets depressed because he has lost some cognitive function, although he still has a normal IQ. A head injury can be a lifetime game changer. So is drug/alochol exposure in utero. Heck, although many don't like to admit it, even cigarettes during pregnancy can cause learning disabilities, smaller babies, problems. A pregnancy should be drug free for the baby's sake.
Copa, I had to take antidepressants at the tail end of my pregnancy and I still wonder if Bart had some problems because of the four weeks I took it. And I was in a psychiatric hospital when it was presscribed. They said I was too dangerously suicidal not to take it and that the baby was already pretty much formed. And I was young and stupid. So, yeah, I wonder.
I did not put my autistic son under my thumb. He is free to do whatever he wants. But if a medical emergency comes up, he can't make a good decision so I have that ability. I decide if he can own a fire arm. To me that's a no-brainer. He can't, no big deal to him because he doesn't have any desire to own one.We don't like guns in our house so he didn't see hunting etc. growing up. But you can also give permission for him to have a gun. Driving is another issue. The only restriction I put on hiim was the gun, which I knew would be no big deal to him. He could have gotten a driver's license, but he didn't want to drive.
We did get a lawyer, I thnk. We definitely did have to go to court.It was not much of a hearing and went very fast. It was not a punishment and Sonic did not see it as one. We had lunch afterward and life went on as before. I do have access to his medical records because he doesn't really understand them. He needs to see a cardiologist every five years because he had heart surgery as a baby and I make his appointments and take him or his caseworker takes him or a special bus comes by to take him. His heart has bseen great (thank you, Higher Power), but he needs to have it monitored and without my reminders, he would forget. Also dental care, which he gets, but would neglect.
A stranger can be a payee too. Many people choose strangers because they don't want to be th e one doling out the adult kid's money. Same with guardianship.
There is great peace of mind when an adult child, who has a few issues understanding important life saving things, is being supervised by both yourself and a caseworker. Of course, as I said before, Sonic is fine with it.
Some adults ARE disabled and do not understand or get how to take care of themselves an then we have choices to make. Your situation is so much worse because your son is not compliant with you and is angry and may see it as a punishment. I don't know.
I trust your intelligence and your good sense to make the right decision for your situation. I just wanted to explain what the situation is with us and how we received legal guardianship and what it means and doesn't mean. My son doesn't live with me. He can still come and go as he chooses without calling "mommy"
I am thinking more about how he'd neglect his health and bills without us. Other than that, he can live his life his way. It does not mean micromanaging life for your adult child. You can't and shouldn't.Many hugs to my very dear friend Copa. I know you will do the best thing for your beloved son.
I’m sorry, Copa. This is really, really tough, I know. I wanted to give you my perspective as the parent of two chronically ill Difficult Children – oldest has Crohn’s disease, youngest has epilepsy. Both have been noncompliant with medications in the past. With youngest, the seizures scared her enough that she didn’t stay noncompliant for long, thankfully. It was a tough go or a while though. But, my oldest fought me as a child about her medications. This cost her a colon, and several feet of small intestine. I couldn’t “make” her take her medications, even as a teenager. I couldn’t force them down her throat. It didn’t even matter to her when I took things away.. she just refused. I finally kicked her out at 19, for becoming physically violent. Not long after that, during aflare, she was discharging herself from the hospital AMA because they wouldn’t give her enough pain medications, in her opinion. I refused to come get her, and asked for a psychiatric evaluation, maybe a commitment - a doctor told me it didn’t meet the “danger to self” test. Didn't matter that it was a sort of slow suicide.. he said something to the effect of, “she has a right to make decisions for her own health.. even if they’re stupid ones.” Her own surgeon once said to her, “stop wasting my time, I have patients that WANT to get well.” That was right before she lost her colon – because it was too late. He was frustrated that she hadn't even taken the medications that could have saved it.
Even after that all that, she spent years as an adult trying to pretend her disease didn’t exist. She didn’t see a GI doctor, or take a single medication for almost 10 years – just went to the ER when a flare came on, and got admitted for “pain control.” I’d send her info on free clinics, on programs for the uninsured, hoping she’d get regular care… she never did. She just got lucky for several years. Last year, all that ignoring her disease cost her another foot of small intestine - and another job. She’s finally seeing a doctor, and on medications. She’s in a program for the uninsured. For now, she’s taking care of herself – but I know her. As soon as she’s feeling better, there’s a good chance she’ll stop her medications, and play roulette with her body again.
This disease can kill her if she doesn’t take care of herself. I worry about what will happen when she gets too ill to be on her own - her mental illness complicates it, because I just don't think I could ever let her live with me, regardless of how sick she is. But I can’t do a single thing about her choices. Painful as it is to watch her ignore her health, it’s her decision. She's an adult. And she's brilliant - gifted, even. Just very ill - physically and mentally.
She could probably qualify for disability, but refuses to apply. she'll work, get sick, lose her job, find someone to help her out, work again, get sick again, lose her job again, yada yada. I can't convince her to apply, and I won't do it for her. Right now, she's employed and has a place to live - best I can hope for.
I don't know if sharing all that helps at all, and I hope it's not too much of a hijacking of your thread. But I just wanted you to know I get it, having a child who's both mentally ill and physically ill. And I still had to detach, step back, and let her hurt herself. It is a horrible thing to type that out.. but it is what it is. It took me years to be at peace with that, and a fantastic therapist to help me through it. But I am at peace with it now. Not always pain-free about it, but at peace.
Big hugs to you. Every journey is different, and you have to decide what will work for you and your son -- what you can live with. Hang in there.
Even after that all that, she spent years as an adult trying to pretend her disease didn’t exist. She didn’t see a GI doctor, or take a single medication for almost 10 years – just went to the ER when a flare came on, and got admitted for “pain control.” I’d send her info on free clinics, on programs for the uninsured, hoping she’d get regular care… she never did. She just got lucky for several years. Last year, all that ignoring her disease cost her another foot of small intestine - and another job. She’s finally seeing a doctor, and on medications. She’s in a program for the uninsured. For now, she’s taking care of herself – but I know her. As soon as she’s feeling better, there’s a good chance she’ll stop her medications, and play roulette with her body again.
This disease can kill her if she doesn’t take care of herself. I worry about what will happen when she gets too ill to be on her own - her mental illness complicates it, because I just don't think I could ever let her live with me, regardless of how sick she is. But I can’t do a single thing about her choices. Painful as it is to watch her ignore her health, it’s her decision. She's an adult. And she's brilliant - gifted, even. Just very ill - physically and mentally.
She could probably qualify for disability, but refuses to apply. she'll work, get sick, lose her job, find someone to help her out, work again, get sick again, lose her job again, yada yada. I can't convince her to apply, and I won't do it for her. Right now, she's employed and has a place to live - best I can hope for.
I don't know if sharing all that helps at all, and I hope it's not too much of a hijacking of your thread. But I just wanted you to know I get it, having a child who's both mentally ill and physically ill. And I still had to detach, step back, and let her hurt herself. It is a horrible thing to type that out.. but it is what it is. It took me years to be at peace with that, and a fantastic therapist to help me through it. But I am at peace with it now. Not always pain-free about it, but at peace.
Big hugs to you. Every journey is different, and you have to decide what will work for you and your son -- what you can live with. Hang in there.
