I have to have my grown son arrested for theft

[Mamacat]

My heart goes out to you. Seeing our children happy and functioning as an adult is what we are want. Unfortunately that doesn't always happen and we are faced with some excruciating decisions. Knowing we made the right one doesn't necessarily make it easy. I'm inthe middle of one right now also, but not as difficult as yours. All we can do is have faith that it will work out. Your in my thoughts.

 

[RN0441]

You did the right thing.

We have changed our ways with our son who just turned 21 so that HE can chose to make his life better. He has been on a destructive path since the age of 15.

It is VERY hard on those that love him - especially me being his mother.

I can honestly say that I would do the same thing that you have done if I were in your shoes. I would do it now and my son is only 21. They have to learn and it's never too late to turn their life around. If you didn't do this it would be like condoning it and you can't have that.

Be good to yourself. You deserve it; I'm sure you've suffered enough. He'll be alright.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I know this is his doing but it I still hurt for him. I am his mother. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

These situations with our adult troubled kids IS the hardest thing any of us has had to do Memedixie....that's certainly true for me......my heart goes out to you too......I know how you feel. Breathe deeply, do kind and nurturing things for yourself, keep yourself well supported....... in time the pain will ease up......hang in there, you're not alone......sending hugs......

 

[Memedixie]

My heart goes out to you. Seeing our children happy and functioning as an adult is what we are want. Unfortunately that doesn't always happen and we are faced with some excruciating decisions. Knowing we made the right one doesn't necessarily make it easy. I'm inthe middle of one right now also, but not as difficult as yours. All we can do is have faith that it will work out. Your in my thoughts.

Thank you Mamacat for your kind words of encouragement. It means alot to me.

 

[Memedixie]

You did the right thing.

We have changed our ways with our son who just turned 21 so that HE can chose to make his life better. He has been on a destructive path since the age of 15.

It is VERY hard on those that love him - especially me being his mother.

I can honestly say that I would do the same thing that you have done if I were in your shoes. I would do it now and my son is only 21. They have to learn and it's never too late to turn their life around. If you didn't do this it would be like condoning it and you can't have that.

Be good to yourself. You deserve it; I'm sure you've suffered enough. He'll be alright.

RN0441, it is awful to have this helpless feeling in my soul. I went to a Coda meeting tonight and wouldn't you know, no one was there. Maybe they don't have them at that location now or because it was Halloween? Who knows. I will check into it though. It was close to my job at at a church i use to attend. Thanks for caring and resonding .


r

 

[Memedixie]

These situations with our adult troubled kids IS the hardest thing any of us has had to do Memedixie....that's certainly true for me......my heart goes out to you too......I know how you feel. Breathe deeply, do kind and nurturing things for yourself, keep yourself well supported....... in time the pain will ease up......hang in there, you're not alone......sending hugs......

It means so much to have good people out there like you to send me their support. Thank you so much!

 

[Memedixie]

My son just called my phone from jail. At first I felt sorry for him( because I did not answer) but now i'm just pissed off. He still thinks he can control me from jail. I may have to go file charges at the police station if the credit card fraud department says I have to. I am in limbo while all this is being investigated. He is calling again now as I type this message. God help me to deal with this.

 

[Memedixie]

He's in jail but I have been in a living hell.

 

[BusynMember]

Turn off your phone and put it on a drawer. please dont feel guilty because your son violated you by stealing from you, the person who has loved him the most. Jail will put a temp halt to his criminal activities.

we are with you.

 

[Mamacat]

He's in jail but I have been in a living hell.

Hang in there! This cannot be easy. I can't imagine. But I'm realizing our loved ones need us to love them enough to say no. My daughter made it easy for me. I said no and I haven't heard from her since. But I can guarantee you when and if I do, I will be going through hell just like you. We've got to be strong! For me I've got to stop doing for her what she can do for herself.

 

[Memedixie]

You did the right thing.

We have changed our ways with our son who just turned 21 so that HE can chose to make his life better. He has been on a destructive path since the age of 15.

It is VERY hard on those that love him - especially me being his mother.

I can honestly say that I would do the same thing that you have done if I were in your shoes. I would do it now and my son is only 21. They have to learn and it's never too late to turn their life around. If you didn't do this it would be like condoning it and you can't have that.

Be good to yourself. You deserve it; I'm sure you've suffered enough. He'll be alright.

I feel dead inside. i am struggling to deal with my emotions. I recently connected with a long lost friend and discovered she has 4 grown daughters that are junkies and put her thru hell. Guess I can count myself lucky I only have one to deal with, My oldest son is the best you could ever ask for....good husband and dad. Thank you for helping me with your kind words and encouragement.

 

[Memedixie]

Turn off your phone and put it on a drawer. please dont feel guilty because your son violated you by stealing from you, the person who has loved him the most. Jail will put a temp halt to his criminal activities.

we are with you.

I

Turn off your phone and put it on a drawer. please dont feel guilty because your son violated you by stealing from you, the person who has loved him the most. Jail will put a temp halt to his criminal activities.

we are with you.

you are right somewhere, he is tormenting me but he wants me to feel sorry for him. i feel sorry for his soul, that he can not find his way or wishes not to find his way to a better life.

 

[Childofmine]

Memedixie, reading through this thread since you first started posting, it's been up and down for you in terms of your own emotions. That is so normal. Please know that it's perfectly sane and normal for us to feel good about finally setting a boundary...the next day we feel bad about that same situation...something he/she says makes us mad and we feel better again for a day or two...then we get scared again and feel bad again. It is a true roller coaster.

feel dead inside. i am struggling to
deal with my emotions.

Yes, this is the absolute hardest part of all of this. The only way to handle it is to walk through the emotions...let them come...let them flow through you. Feel them fully. Cry, yell, hit a pillow. Stare at the wall. Lie down and sob. Whatever you need to do...let yourself do it. Let yourself feel it all fully.

If you do and you don't fight it...the emotions will subside in a few hours or a day. You won't always feel like this. You will get better...regardless of what your son does or doesn't do.

And as you feel your own and valid feelings...don't act. Don't react. Don't feel like you have to DO SOMETHING. Most of us fought the feelings by taking action for years and years and years. It didn't help them...but it DID make us feel better. Taking action tamps down the feelings...even if it's wrong, we have DONE SOMETHING. Don't give in to that compulsion.

I promise you I did this for years and years and years. I was the best action-taker in the whole wide world, and I could make a decision quick and then get it carried out in record time.

That skill truly does not work in these situations. In fact, it usually makes the whole situation much worse.

Learning to reel ourselves in...not to act...take time...wait...that is true self-discipline, and it took me a long long time to make any progress at all. Start trying it. You will get better, and you will let him experience the consequences of his own actions and decisions without interference from you. That is the only way DCs learn.

I recently connected with a long lost friend and discovered she has 4 grown daughters that are junkies and put her thru hell.

You can be a huge help and comfort to her, and if she wants it, you can help guide her to a place of more peace and serenity.

Hang in there. We're here for you. This is the hardest thing you will likely ever do. but you can do it.

 

[Memedixie]

Memedixie, reading through this thread since you first started posting, it's been up and down for you in terms of your own emotions. That is so normal. Please know that it's perfectly sane and normal for us to feel good about finally setting a boundary...the next day we feel bad about that same situation...something he/she says makes us mad and we feel better again for a day or two...then we get scared again and feel bad again. It is a true roller coaster.



Yes, this is the absolute hardest part of all of this. The only way to handle it is to walk through the emotions...let them come...let them flow through you. Feel them fully. Cry, yell, hit a pillow. Stare at the wall. Lie down and sob. Whatever you need to do...let yourself do it. Let yourself feel it all fully.

If you do and you don't fight it...the emotions will subside in a few hours or a day. You won't always feel like this. You will get better...regardless of what your son does or doesn't do.

And as you feel your own and valid feelings...don't act. Don't react. Don't feel like you have to DO SOMETHING. Most of us fought the feelings by taking action for years and years and years. It didn't help them...but it DID make us feel better. Taking action tamps down the feelings...even if it's wrong, we have DONE SOMETHING. Don't give in to that compulsion.

I promise you I did this for years and years and years. I was the best action-taker in the whole wide world, and I could make a decision quick and then get it carried out in record time.

That skill truly does not work in these situations. In fact, it usually makes the whole situation much worse.

Learning to reel ourselves in...not to act...take time...wait...that is true self-discipline, and it took me a long long time to make any progress at all. Start trying it. You will get better, and you will let him experience the consequences of his own actions and decisions without interference from you. That is the only way DCs learn.



You can be a huge help and comfort to her, and if she wants it, you can help guide her to a place of more peace and serenity.

Hang in there. We're here for you. This is the hardest thing you will likely ever do. but you can do it.

Thank you Childofmine, you are awesome.

 

[Mamacat]

It does get better. 2 months since my daughter stopped speaking to me and the hurt is easing quite as bit. I don't cry now when I speak of not seeing my granddaughters, but yet as I write this I can feel the lump in my throat and a few tears, but it's much better! I'm leaving tomorrow on a cruise and I plan to have a blast. I'm gonna dance like a crazy woman! And I'll have a vacation free of a phone call with some problem happening that I need to take care of like send money!

 

[Tanya M]

Yes, it does get better. You sound so good!!

How wonderful you are going on a cruise. A much needed break. Have a fabulous time!!

 

[Memedixie]

It does get better. 2 months since my daughter stopped speaking to me and the hurt is easing quite as bit. I don't cry now when I speak of not seeing my granddaughters, but yet as I write this I can feel the lump in my throat and a few tears, but it's much better! I'm leaving tomorrow on a cruise and I plan to have a blast. I'm gonna dance like a crazy woman! And I'll have a vacation free of a phone call with some problem happening that I need to take care of like send money!

i am going to unplug my phone after i post this message. He keeps calling my phone .....what does it cost $14.00 everytime i answer his call does he not understand?? i am broke because of him. enjoy your cruise...you deserve to have fun and be good to yourself!

 

[RN0441]

Memedixie

Stay strong. Get out of the house. Turn your phone off. Get away from your phone. Find some things that make you happy and give you peace. Live for YOU. He has to fix this himself. If YOU are there to fix things or take on his issues, HE will never change. YOU cannot live HIS life. He is not you. You are not him.

I would have no contact with him for a LONG time if I were you. Let him sit in his own stew.

I cut off all contact with my 21 year old for a month. He did speak to his father but not momma. He finally contacted me by email. That was the ONLY way he could even contact me. Did I rush to him after the email? No. I am now communicating but very cautiously. I cannot get caught up in his life again.

My therapist told me that I can love him unconditionally, but our relationship has conditions. I did not know that and now I am living it. I will never go back to the way I was.

If you are not seeing a therapist, you should consider it. It is better than talking everyone's ears off about it. I figured my friends were sick of hearing it. Find someone that has a background in addiction. It has helped me so much. Only strong people are able to face their pain and work through it.

 

[Memedixie]

Memedixie

Stay strong. Get out of the house. Turn your phone off. Get away from your phone. Find some things that make you happy and give you peace. Live for YOU. He has to fix this himself. If YOU are there to fix things or take on his issues, HE will never change. YOU cannot live HIS life. He is not you. You are not him.

I would have no contact with him for a LONG time if I were you. Let him sit in his own stew.

I cut off all contact with my 21 year old for a month. He did speak to his father but not momma. He finally contacted me by email. That was the ONLY way he could even contact me. Did I rush to him after the email? No. I am now communicating but very cautiously. I cannot get caught up in his life again.

My therapist told me that I can love him unconditionally, but our relationship has conditions. I did not know that and now I am living it. I will never go back to the way I was.

If you are not seeing a therapist, you should consider it. It is better than talking everyone's ears off about it. I figured my friends were sick of hearing it. Find someone that has a background in addiction. It has helped me so much. Only strong people are able to face their pain and work through it.

Oh my gosh RN, you make so much sense. Yes, I agree...it is a good idea for me to start seeing a therapist. i need to check my insurance and see who is available in my area. Thank you so much for sharing and caring.

 

[Memedixie]

Memedixie

Stay strong. Get out of the house. Turn your phone off. Get away from your phone. Find some things that make you happy and give you peace. Live for YOU. He has to fix this himself. If YOU are there to fix things or take on his issues, HE will never change. YOU cannot live HIS life. He is not you. You are not him.

I would have no contact with him for a LONG time if I were you. Let him sit in his own stew.

I cut off all contact with my 21 year old for a month. He did speak to his father but not momma. He finally contacted me by email. That was the ONLY way he could even contact me. Did I rush to him after the email? No. I am now communicating but very cautiously. I cannot get caught up in his life again.

My therapist told me that I can love him unconditionally, but our relationship has conditions. I did not know that and now I am living it. I will never go back to the way I was.

If you are not seeing a therapist, you should consider it. It is better than talking everyone's ears off about it. I figured my friends were sick of hearing it. Find someone that has a background in addiction. It has helped me so much. Only strong people are able to face their pain and work through it.

*******UPDATE****** I need help. I just found out the judge let my son out of jail for his probation violation and he is headed back here.. Yes, to my house. His girlfriend called me to let me know. She wants to move on in her life but hasn' t told him yet. we are shocked he is out!!!!! the credit card fraud is still under investigation so he hasn't been charged with that yet. I cannot put up with anymore crap from him so i am going to suggest that he go to the shelter or whatever. Please pray for me!