I love this. It could have been many of us talking.

[BusynMember]

SWOT...how do you feel about the Facebook incident?

Well, she had just gotten doen screaming at me over my cell phone w here my friend was sitting beside me and could hear every word because she was so loud. That was the situation. Now, to be fair, Sis is hard of hearing. She has some disorder...not sure what. So maybe that's why she spoke loud, but she sounded like a biotch and my friend was clearly appalled. After that, I was angry she had reamed me out for something as petty as saying happy birthday, which I thought was a nice thing. She apparently went ballistic over something I had not thought of. Once we used to tease one another about the fat ankles in our family (we all have them...kankles)> One year i got her a birthday card that I sent through the mail that had the picture of a woman in front about how aging takes away more and more, but we still keep something. Inside it said, "Congratuations on your amazing ankles."
She thought it was a riot. Now she cared more about the ankle thing than me because her personal appearance and her distorted body image makes her very aware of how she looks, whereas I don't really pay much attention to that in myself. In my happy birthday to her, I made a little joke alluding to our ankles, not thinking it would set her off because she thought it was so funny the first time. Apaprently, she did not want her friends to look at her ankles now with disdain. I don't even think I mentioned the angkles, but she thought they would know and went on and on about "I don't use facebook for that." I did not really know what she was talking about. I speak French. She speaks German. We don't "get" each other. But she made such a huge deal out of it that I had an attitude when I got off and was hurt and angry. I wasan't embarassed because I had told my friend about my sister. So while it shocked her, can't say she wasn't warned. That's when I put friend requests into her FB friends and a few accepted. How do I feel about it? Not grossly horrible. I feel like I shouldn't have done it, but I had no idea how to unfriend somebody as I am pretty clueless about FB. When she came off of her No Contact that time, she had to tell me how to do it.

And then, I posted back that I loved her.

And I do.

A thousand times more than the people on my Facebook. Every one of them can believe whatever they like.

This is a very significant post. Even though your daughter put that down about you, nobody really cared for long. A few may have been shocked at first. Probably plenty thought she was out of line. In the end, you were the one who loved her. None of those other FB friends loved her.
It was the same with my sister at the time. Nobody on FB loved her like I had (past tense...I truly think the love is all gone). But at the time, nobody cared about her as much as me and my intentions were not to hurt her. She was always accusing me of doing things on purpose to hurt her, but she heard that from my mom. I just didn't think like her. If somebody would have made a disguised comment about any part of how I look, I would have thought it was funny and my life would have continued as before. I forgot that she had all those body image issues and it did not cross my mind that any comment that may bring attention to how she looked, even as a joke, would freak her out (and it did).

And now that all this has gone down, I have to laugh that sh e called me a narcissistic on her page. Even worse, a RAGING narcissistic. Perfect I am not. Overly concerned with myself, including my appearance.....no.

But I have seen women who love their sisters, and who are loved by them. I have seen moms and daughters connected in that incredibly intimate way mothers are connected to their daughters and their sons.

I am fortunate enough to have good relationships with all my kids that I raised from birth and my husband. You are fortunate to have such an awesome SO. I hope and pray for you one day that your children realize how wonderful you are. You have a heart that doesn't quit. You should never have been treated badly by anyone ever.

 

[BusynMember]

I for the most part get along fine with my family. We have had our issues over the years. My one sister and I used to be so very close, we spoke every day even though we lived in different states. It wasn't until the passing of our dad that things changed. While my dad had will that was updated 6 months before his passing (putting everything in a trust to avoid dealing with probate) everything was to be divided equally between all the sisters. The one sister felt she should get his house and when I and the other sisters said no, that was not our dads wishes she became cold and distant. While I love my sister I do not need her. We speak maybe once a year now and share stuff on FB. I had to mourn the relationship we used to have and move on with my life.

Tanya, I'm sorry you sister made a fuss and even sorrier that your father's passing caused these problems. It happens too often.

All I can say is I'm glad my father never used the money he has to buy a house. He has some money in the bank, but no other assets to fight over, like homes or a good car or heirlooms.

I find it disgusting th e way families fight after somebody passes, as if that is more important than the person was.

I read a very interesting post today on another site. An older man, who is the father of six kids, none who are respectful to him or even see him much, is having no funeral when he passes on. It is his wish that his wife take his ashes to his favorite place and plant a tree in his name to perpetrate life and help the environment. Nobody is to be there but her. He is willing all of his money to his favorite charity. His six kids, who have been feuding over his will, are all going to be shocked when they find out he changed it. None of them are nice him (thre was a divorce and they all sided with Mom), in fact they are waiting for him to die. He even overheard one of his sons telling another one, "When the old man croaks we'll be rich" and his other son said, "Yeah, but he'll probably outlive us." He said it, the man said, in a bitter way, like he wished he would die right now.

His wife is ok with all of his wishes as she has lots of money she inherited before marrying him.

I'd like to be a fly on the wall to listen to the shock when those grown kids (in their 50's now) get the news that day.

 

[Tanya M]

I'd like to be a fly on the wall to listen to the shock when those grown kids (in their 50's now) get the news that day.

Yes, that would be interesting.
The attitude of entitlement never ceases to boggle my mind.

 

[BusynMember]

Well, to me this is sadder than entitlement. This is their father. They clearly, from his post, do not care for him nor interact with him much and don't even consider that perhaps the mother was also at fault in this divorce. There are two sides to every story. Worse, they care nothing for him, but are salivating at the thought of getting a cut of his significant assets. It reminds me of the sick, demented kids who wish their parents would just kick the bucket already so that they can be rich.

They are in for a well-deserved shock.

 

[Confused]

I do understand how you feel. I mean for me I was told over and over, my family was my whole life, blood is thicker then water, family comes first no matter. I wanted and needed that, believed that. I saw some huge families , wonderful loving and close families generation after generation really supporting each other.Same as small families being close, I thought thats what I had too, then I grew up. Still struggle with admitting it, still struggle with how thats not fair and what and who will I have when they have passed, but in some ways, its actually as if some as passed now. The blame, the constant their way and they are right, so as they say and that makes the family what is it. Well, no, it doesnt. Im learning. I admit Im not perfect, I admit I say too much, I admit I have done wrong, but, I do learn from my mistakes, as they think they make none. The social media is why I dont like it, I think it can actually make things worse for families, friends, employees, etc. I will never understand why people are the way they are, for money, fame, control, its sad. How much are we or others suppose to put up with, its hard and sad for the kiddos for sure. Im so sorry your still going through this, as the rest of you having some family issues, but your not alone.

 

[BusynMember]

Hey, C...I want to share something I got from my therapy session last time. This is one of my more highly credentialed therapists, in fact she is a psychologist schooled in CBT and DBT and knows about subtle abuse. I told her my sibling had posted that I was evil and that, really, I am a bad person. Her post had brought back all those "you're bad" messages I'd heard through the years from various members of my thankfully small family.

Therapist asked me to tell her all the "evil" things I had done.

I started with having tantrums as a kid and threatening to keep my brother and sister up all night when I was in a tantrum. I told her how I had shared my sister's secrets when I was around 25 but that I honestly did it mostly to get my mom to pay some attention to my sister...to see what her neglect of a college student was doing to her. I admitted that 10% was to let her know I as not the only one who was "bad." I expected her to jump in and give it to me, but she said, "Most people do that. It's not evil or even abnormal."

I told her about a few times I lost it and she said, "Most people lose it sometimes and yell and say things they don't mean and sometimes they aren't nice when they say it. Were you sorry?"

I said I was.

She asked if I apologized and I told her I tried. And that my mother was far meaner to me than I ever was to her, which is true. And she NEVER apologized.

I shared a few more instances, then I ran out of things I had done that were allegedly "evil" or even "bad." I was surprised there were so few. She told me she had all of my medical records from at least twenty years back (I had signed consent form after consent form to get as many as I could). She said none of my psychiatrists or other mental health people thought I was a bad person or that I had borderline personality disorder. She told me there were only two consistent things she saw in the medical reports: I had a mood disorder, sometimes called bipolar II but often called mood disorder not otherwise specified and that I had soft neurological symptoms that resembled traits of autism/Aspergers, which would explain my sensitivity, trouble with frustration (which is a lot better now) and trouble in the work force and with social skills.

You are not "bad" because somebody says you are. Everyone does negative things, including every single person who has ever said YOU do "bad" things. Some probably did worse than you have, which is something I explored and was interesting.

You are a good person.

Everyone, even good people, lose it sometimes.

Losing it is not abuse.

You have your hands full and they know it and don't care how much they work you. They may get worse as you assert yourself, but stand tough. We are here for you. We have been there/cone that/have the t-shirt.