bby,
For all the fear and feelings and emotions you are going through I understand and I am very sorry. Not sure that anything I could say would be of comfort to you; it took quite a while for the shock to wear off with us when DF became disabled,and then I lost my job. Doesn't help you - but like Hound said there are many here in the boat with you. Just tell yourself you will not accept an oar - you are bright, resourceful, strong, and will find a way to negotiate for a boat motor.
Paddle until you are savy pirate girl.......then negotiate for an outboard. YOU CAN DO THIS.
Prayers sent.