I understand now!

[BusynMember]

LOL, hate to laugh there. You are giving him a choice...sorry, but that's funny to me.

How are you giving him a choice? He's 24. He can live any way he likes whether you give him verbal permission or not. I strongly suggest you read an awesome book "Parents Who Love Too Much" by Mitch Meyerson and Laurie Ashner. I read it when my firstborn was young because I felt I was too enmeshed in his life and it was harmful to both of us. The book rocked and resonated with me and I never did it again. Maybe it will help you.

 

[witzend]

we are saying you cannot live that way in our house but...

but then each and every time you have let him move back into your house and say "clean yourself up later while you are living in your house." You actually do "allow" and encourage him to live that way. In your house and on your dime.

 

[standswithcourage]

Well I am trying hard not to. Actually he came over today to mow a mans yard that he was supposed to mow - to get his rent money - the man had already mowed the yard - so he got no money - he had gotten his Xanax filled somewhere where he lives - I could tell by the way he was acting - he got a ride back to where he lives with someone else - I just dont know how he will ever pull himself up by the bootstraps and be able to get a job - especially if he has a felony - it seems to me that people like that need help - By the way Witz what does on my dime mean?

 

[witzend]

On your dime means he isn't earning or spending any of his own money.

While I'm sure that "people like that need help", that's a moot point if they don't want it and won't take it. There's plenty of help out there that your son has refused. When he applies himself to a program, and doesn't just promise to go as a bribe get out of jail or stay at your house and then get high and run off the next day, then he and you should feel free to bemoan the lack of help available to him. Until that day, he doesn't have a thing to complain about, and you still just don't get it if you think he does.

I can't for the life of me imagine where he would get his xanax filled legally. It's a Schedule IV Controlled Substance and he would need a prescription to get it refilled beyond 6 months after it was last written. He's been in jail for a year, what doctor wrote him a prescription since he got out of jail? Where did he get money for the doctor? Where did he get money for a prescription? If he was using his money for food and rent he wouldn't have money for drugs. If someone is paying for food, clothing, and housing and he is using his money for drugs, he is doing it on their dime because he doesn't need to feed, house, or clothe himself and is free to spend any money he has on drugs. So far as I can see, he has never had to choose between eating or a bed and drugs because someone is always feeding him or giving him a free bed to sleep in.

I believe you may be naive to think that he got a prescription refilled. It's more likely he bought it on the street or stole it.

 

[BusynMember]

Why on earth should a felon who is a drug addict get help and sympathy? And what sane person would hire him? Of course, he can't pull himself up, he's a drug addict. Most people, including me and my daughter, the ex-addict, have no sympathy for those who refuse to get their act together, even when others overly extend themselves to help them.
Your son will be nothing...achieve absolutely nothing...and get no help at all from anybody until he is not the same person he is today. You can NOT expect people to want to help somebody like him.
I do suggest "Parents Who Love Too Much." It's a good book.

 

[CrazyinVA]

I can tell you that McDonalds, at least the ones here locally, don't care WHO they hire. Felons or not. I know this because kids (young adults) who went to school with my kids work there. Construction companies and subcontractors hire them too, personal experience there as well (I know too many hoodlums.. lol) There ARE jobs out there, believe me. But you have to want to work.

You're right, Susan, he may like the bottom. He may not want to come up from there. But hard as it is, that is NOT your problem. It is his. I'm really quite surprised you have not learned this in Al-Anon or from your sponsor. Or, maybe you've heard it, but just haven't grasped it yet.. it does take time and practice.

 

[DammitJanet]

I was going to say that there are plenty of jobs out there that hire people with felonies on their records. They may not be the nicest jobs in the world but they are the blue collar jobs that build this world. He can dig ditches, lay bricks, hang sheetrock, do carpentry, and other assorted jobs such as these...and they all hire folks with criminal records. They arent too particular either about drugs either. Well I probably shouldnt say that. Most of the sheetrockers and metal stud workers I know do smoke pot but nothing harder.

 

[donna723]

The thing of it is ... very few people are willing to try to help someone who refuses to make the effort to help themselves! If someone is making a sincere effort to turn their life around, there are all kinds of programs and agencies out there that will help them. If he were willing to really try to make positive changes in his life, the help he needs would be out there for him. Like Janet said, it may not be their "dream job", but there are plenty of jobs out there if they are willing to take them.

I work in the prison system and in order to be approved for parole the inmates have to have an approved job lined up ... and they manage to find them! Lots of our inmates find work with restaurant chains or in construction. And these are people with very serious felonies on their record, sometimes multiple felonies - the murderers, kidnappers and rapists! If these people can find a job, so can your son!

 

[BusynMember]

Not all, but many places make you take drug tests now. And, yes, that's the point. Nobody will help anyone who refuses to get help, looks half strung out on drugs, can't perform well, has a bad attitude, has a felony on his record, is probably high at work (at the very least, THEY can get stuck paying workman's comp due to an accident if the person is high). Once there is a recovery, as in STOPS DRUGS, there is help.
Stands, if you had a business, would YOU hire somebody with no work history, who abuses hard drugs and has no ambition to change, and who has no interest in changing? Think about it. Chances are your son would blow off a job after a few days of making enough money for drugs. The reality of a drug addict is not pretty, and most employers know it.
Life's reality, and I knew this too with my daughter, is that drug addicts are scorned at. The only ones who care about them is us, their parents, because they don't even care about themselves. I'm amazed that you think anyone who give him a break.

 

[donna723]

Most employers do drug test potential employees now. No one would want to hire an active drug user because they obviously couldn't be trusted. A drug user is only concerned about where their next high is coming from. The chances that they would steal from their employer are astronomical, either money or things that could be easily sold to get the money they needed for drugs! And how reliable would this person be? And the risk of them getting hurt on the job or causing someone else to be injured is very high too - a lawsuit waiting to happen. No business owner would be willing to take a chance on someone like that and you can't blame them!

If you look at it honestly and objectively, what's really holding him back from getting a job is his drug problem, not the felony conviction on his record! That, and the fact that it doesn't sound like he really wants to find a job! Convicted felons can and do find jobs every day. But none of this will happen ... not a job, not a GED, not pulling himself up off the bottom ... until his drug problems are resolved. I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, but it's the truth

 

[standswithcourage]

I think all of you are right. I just dont understand why he doesnt see what we see. Why cant he see that it is his drug problem that is keepiing him from success. He doesnt want to see it - he wants to keep in the same rut - it is familiar to him. thanks

 

[Suz]

Susan, it is what it is.

They just don't get it.

And they sure won't get it as long as we bail them out.

So let him see the hard side of life and the hard side of living the life he is choosing to lead. It's the only way it will sink in.

You don't understand why he doesn't see it. Us "seasoned" parents also don't see why YOU want to "keep in the same rut - it is familiar to (you).."

Think about it.

Hugs,
Suz

 

[BusynMember]

He sees it and he gets it, but it's hard to quit drugs when you are an addict. VERY hard. He isn't motivated. That's why we advise to let the adult child hit rock bottom because if he doesn't, he may NEVER become motivated enough to go through the hell it takes to quit.
He may never decide to quit, but YOU still have a life. Or you should have one.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Susan, you may NEVER undersrtand why he does what he does. You really must accept that, and stop wasting energy trying to understand it. It is not logical to anyone by another drug abuser, believe me.

A therapist once said to me (re my ex husband), "think of him as a person from another planet. Where he's from, everything he does makes perfect sense, it's the norm, it's logical, it's his reality.. he thinks that YOU are the one that doesn't fit in on HIS planet. You can't change that perception." Not only did the thought of my ex as an alien give me great laughs, but it finally sunk in when I looked at it that way.

 

[witzend]

I think all of you are right. I just dont understand why he doesnt see what we see.

I really think you still don't understand. None of us are talking about him. We are talking about you.

What we have been saying for the past year is that you won't ever understand. Period. You need to stop trying to understand. You are not him, and you need to stop trying to figure it out. If you stop, maybe he will stop doing drugs because he won't feel like you need to understand. Or maybe he'll stop because he stopped getting a rise out of you.

I swear to goodness, Susan, if I were getting the kind of attention out of my mom that your son is getting out of you, I'd probably be high all of the time, too. You're smothering him.

I also think you won't understand this message. It's you that is the problem we see and are advising you about. No one here is advising you about your son anymore. We haven't been since last October. The only thing you can ever do anymore to change your son is to totally and completely ignore him.

I will try one more time. Make a mantra. The next time you ask yourself, "Why does he...?" answer to yourself, "It doesn't matter." When you say "What if he...?" say "It doesn't matter." When you say "What if I do (or had done) this or that for my son?" say to yourself "It won't (or wouldn't have) mattered.

Honestly, you seem to have serious issues about yourself and who and what you are or should be at this point in your life. You use your son as a smoke screen so that people won't see how screwed up your life is - whatever it is that is screwed up about it. I don't know what it is you are trying to hide, but don't you think it's time you stopped blaming it on your son? Maybe if you stop making him your problem, he won't be a problem any more.

Did I hurt your feelings? I'm sorry. I just don't know how to say it anymore without being blunt blunt blunt. Please take this to your counselor and talk to her about it.

 

[standswithcourage]

OK Witz - I am leaving him alone - he called today and wanted me to come get him - I said no - he supposedly went to see the boss that has fired him twice - the boss said he would give him one more chance and if he screwed it up again he wouldnt see the light of day. Whatever - he is supposedly starting to do for himself - he got a ride their from some girl he has known - I figure it has got everything to do with drugs - My life is not a bad one - in fact I am happy unless I think of how he has chosen to do drugs forever - but I havent had time to think about it - I have been thinking about 23 kindergartners!!!!!!!!!! That is enough for me to think about. Everything else has about fallen in.