"If I had him for one week"...
- Thread starter Mandy
- Start date
4timmy
New Member
I think they'd be erecting that monument sooner than day 8!! With my difficult child, it would only take a day or two.... 
I have to say though, I've not heard this one.... The one I absolutely hate is "he needs Military School"... or "You need to beat his A**, that would straighten him up". It always amazes me how many suggestions people come up with. Almost as if they think I've never thought of it.
Steely is right.... I just stop talking to anyone about my difficult child. I, too, have to leave and pick up my difficult child when he has a "meltdown", so I always get questions from co-workers.
I have to say though, I've not heard this one.... The one I absolutely hate is "he needs Military School"... or "You need to beat his A**, that would straighten him up". It always amazes me how many suggestions people come up with. Almost as if they think I've never thought of it.
Steely is right.... I just stop talking to anyone about my difficult child. I, too, have to leave and pick up my difficult child when he has a "meltdown", so I always get questions from co-workers.
And unfortunately...sometimes counselors and mental health professionals jump to that conclusion as well.
It is the worst, most isolating feeling in the world to hear a "professional" dismiss your concerns after a single one-on-one session with your difficult child and tell you "O, she is such a sweet girl...I'm sure that you are just over-reacting. Why not try spending a little more quality time?"
I am so grateful to have found this forum! I finally feel like I have a group of parents who understand that I am trying so hard to be the best mother I know how...and despite my efforts, my child is still angry, upset, kicking, screaming, throwing things at me and ready to tell you horror stories of her abusive home life.
If only these people understood how frustrated we are...and that hearing their judgment only makes us feel like even more of a failure.
My mom thinks I am too lenient and my mother in law thinks I am too strict so I came to the conclusion that I am just right.
Tired - I love you answer - too perfect!
Heather is correct - offer for a week - however, that may be grounds of neglect and abuse on your end to give your child to someone without a clue?
Tired - I love you answer - too perfect!
Heather is correct - offer for a week - however, that may be grounds of neglect and abuse on your end to give your child to someone without a clue?
These are great responses. Fortunately, I have not had that happen yet but would be tempted to steal one of your responses. Although my dad's wife has never volunteered I believe through other comments she has made that she thinks she would have been able to do a better job with difficult child. Unfortunately, I'm the peacemaker type and often just try to let her comments roll off my shoulders, until later when husband and I can vent. I think it would feel good to say something back just once.
L
luvmyottb
Guest
I have had friends say this to us and I am always quick to say I can pack her bag in 10 minutes and just wait for thier response.
I am feeling quite superior today, we have been visiting family for the last week and had several members tell us difficult child was not nearly as obnoxious as she has been in the past. I will take that as a compliment.
I am feeling quite superior today, we have been visiting family for the last week and had several members tell us difficult child was not nearly as obnoxious as she has been in the past. I will take that as a compliment.
Marguerite
Active Member
Mandy, you've already discovered the fallout from letting people know about your family issues. As you have said, sometimes it's unavoidable when it intrudes into your work life, but you've now got some really good responses to the idiotic things people say.
Some things to remember -
People want to help. You and I are not the only ones in the world who want to fix everything. It's a common problem.
People often feel frustrated, when they THINK they know the answer, but don't really. People like to think the answer is easy because really, there is no problem. Unfortunately, it's rarely simple.
Some people can feel a certain sense of responsibility - that preacher, for example, who supported the adoption. He got you into that mess, he turned to the Bible (Proverbs) for a solution. See point above - it's never that simple. Also for a preacher, the first point applies - he is in the business of having the answers and "fixing it". His sense of personal responsibility had been greatly increased by his involvement in the process. A great pity to end it like that. Some people can genuinely help, and others take refuge in certainty and in "I know best". I've seen it in members of our local congregation and I've seen it in secular people about town.
Some people cannot see past the ends of their own noses, despite their own personal experience. For them, they either have their own answers to suit their own situation, and they can't accept that those answers won't suit yours; or they don't WANT to know that there is a wider variety of problems still waiting for them to experience, and so they close themselves off to any further information you may provide. Of course, they are still open to telling you how to do it their way! The example here that saddened me most, was when difficult child 3 was in pre-school. A slightly older classmate was a boy living next door to us, we were very close to these neighbours. We had been there for them when their son fell into the swimming pool and was not breathing for 40 minutes. We were there for them when they were trekking back and forth to the hospital, being told by doctors that he was a vegetable and unresponsive to all instructions. We were there while the father insisted that the boy DID respond to him, we were rejoicing with them when the doctors finally recognised that this boy, who had been bilingual at 2, had 'lost' his English (and hence had been unresponsive to English instructions) but remembered his Spanish. We babysat for the two children and attended their parties, supporting them through the whole recovery process. We rejoiced when the boy was accepted at the local pre-school and on his new walker could be found whizzing around the playground, looking for friends and watching everyone play with a happy smile on his face. But when I said to the mother, "I'm really concerned that difficult child 3 has a form of autism, her response was, "There's nothing wrong with him. He's just a naughty little boy."
I gave her the benefit of the doubt - surely my problems couldn't be as difficult as hers. But in a way they were worse - her son was able to pay attention. While her son was no longer able to talk, he COULD communicate via computer. Her son could listen to and understand instructions, he was capable of learning. At the time, the prospects looked bleak for difficult child 3 - physically capable, as our neighbour was not. But that's where the good news ended.
That's when I learned the final most important rule of all - you must never compare. My problem is never your problem. If we were able to swap lives you MIGHT cope better; or you might not. We would never know, so there's no point comparing to try to find out. It just doesn't work.
It's not a competition. But when someone says, "Let ME have him for a week.." that is exactly what they are doing. Comparing their own parenting skills to yours, and finding yours lacking.
They may not be fully aware of tis insult, they are generally acting out of a desire to want to fix things for you, to help.
When we face this sort of comment our immediate reaction is to be oppositional. It's human nature (and yet we are critical of kids for doing this!) We go into denial, we fight it, we oppose it. "I don't need your help!" is our reaction at first. But the BEST reaction with this comment is to go with the flow and accept the offer, either humorously as has been suggested beautifully in previous posts, or seriously.
My answer to people saying this has been, "Be careful what you wish for..."
Much the same, in other words. I've actually hesitated to not leave my child with them for a week - I did this with difficult child 1, when I was in hospital having difficult child 3. difficult child 1 was 10 years old and (we thought) had severe ADHD. We left him with a friend from church (a friend who prompted my comment above about judgmental narrow-minded congregation members). This friend loves difficult child 1 a great deal and he had her exclusive attention for a week; her and her ailing husband. The husband was a walking invalid, he spent a lot of his time playing chess with difficult child 1. They lavished attention on him in a setting that did not change and he did well. The experience did nothing to change their minds about him. As a result, when difficult child 3 was in pre-school (I think it was actually the same day I got the remark from my neighbour at pre-school) I visited this friend and she also refused to accept tat there was a problem with difficult child 3.
"Ask him how pre-school was today then," I suggested to her.
She leaned forward and said, "difficult child 3, how was pre-school today?"
difficult child 3 didn't make eye contact. He pointed out the window. "Bird," he said. "Water."
I reminded our friend of another girl in the congregation, a few months older than difficult child 3. I had visited them a few days earlier and the little girl had said to me, "Do you like 'Mr Bean'? I LOVE watching 'Mr Bean' because he's very funny. I especially like the episode where his friends come round for a party and they get bored and leave, then the next morning they come back for their hat just as Mr Bean has set the paint can to explode so he can paint the room really easily, and it leaves the shape of the man and his hat on the wall - I love that bit."
Big difference.
Give me your child for a week?
Sure. But give me time to print out the operating instructions.
Marg
Some things to remember -
People want to help. You and I are not the only ones in the world who want to fix everything. It's a common problem.
People often feel frustrated, when they THINK they know the answer, but don't really. People like to think the answer is easy because really, there is no problem. Unfortunately, it's rarely simple.
Some people can feel a certain sense of responsibility - that preacher, for example, who supported the adoption. He got you into that mess, he turned to the Bible (Proverbs) for a solution. See point above - it's never that simple. Also for a preacher, the first point applies - he is in the business of having the answers and "fixing it". His sense of personal responsibility had been greatly increased by his involvement in the process. A great pity to end it like that. Some people can genuinely help, and others take refuge in certainty and in "I know best". I've seen it in members of our local congregation and I've seen it in secular people about town.
Some people cannot see past the ends of their own noses, despite their own personal experience. For them, they either have their own answers to suit their own situation, and they can't accept that those answers won't suit yours; or they don't WANT to know that there is a wider variety of problems still waiting for them to experience, and so they close themselves off to any further information you may provide. Of course, they are still open to telling you how to do it their way! The example here that saddened me most, was when difficult child 3 was in pre-school. A slightly older classmate was a boy living next door to us, we were very close to these neighbours. We had been there for them when their son fell into the swimming pool and was not breathing for 40 minutes. We were there for them when they were trekking back and forth to the hospital, being told by doctors that he was a vegetable and unresponsive to all instructions. We were there while the father insisted that the boy DID respond to him, we were rejoicing with them when the doctors finally recognised that this boy, who had been bilingual at 2, had 'lost' his English (and hence had been unresponsive to English instructions) but remembered his Spanish. We babysat for the two children and attended their parties, supporting them through the whole recovery process. We rejoiced when the boy was accepted at the local pre-school and on his new walker could be found whizzing around the playground, looking for friends and watching everyone play with a happy smile on his face. But when I said to the mother, "I'm really concerned that difficult child 3 has a form of autism, her response was, "There's nothing wrong with him. He's just a naughty little boy."
I gave her the benefit of the doubt - surely my problems couldn't be as difficult as hers. But in a way they were worse - her son was able to pay attention. While her son was no longer able to talk, he COULD communicate via computer. Her son could listen to and understand instructions, he was capable of learning. At the time, the prospects looked bleak for difficult child 3 - physically capable, as our neighbour was not. But that's where the good news ended.
That's when I learned the final most important rule of all - you must never compare. My problem is never your problem. If we were able to swap lives you MIGHT cope better; or you might not. We would never know, so there's no point comparing to try to find out. It just doesn't work.
It's not a competition. But when someone says, "Let ME have him for a week.." that is exactly what they are doing. Comparing their own parenting skills to yours, and finding yours lacking.
They may not be fully aware of tis insult, they are generally acting out of a desire to want to fix things for you, to help.
When we face this sort of comment our immediate reaction is to be oppositional. It's human nature (and yet we are critical of kids for doing this!) We go into denial, we fight it, we oppose it. "I don't need your help!" is our reaction at first. But the BEST reaction with this comment is to go with the flow and accept the offer, either humorously as has been suggested beautifully in previous posts, or seriously.
My answer to people saying this has been, "Be careful what you wish for..."
Much the same, in other words. I've actually hesitated to not leave my child with them for a week - I did this with difficult child 1, when I was in hospital having difficult child 3. difficult child 1 was 10 years old and (we thought) had severe ADHD. We left him with a friend from church (a friend who prompted my comment above about judgmental narrow-minded congregation members). This friend loves difficult child 1 a great deal and he had her exclusive attention for a week; her and her ailing husband. The husband was a walking invalid, he spent a lot of his time playing chess with difficult child 1. They lavished attention on him in a setting that did not change and he did well. The experience did nothing to change their minds about him. As a result, when difficult child 3 was in pre-school (I think it was actually the same day I got the remark from my neighbour at pre-school) I visited this friend and she also refused to accept tat there was a problem with difficult child 3.
"Ask him how pre-school was today then," I suggested to her.
She leaned forward and said, "difficult child 3, how was pre-school today?"
difficult child 3 didn't make eye contact. He pointed out the window. "Bird," he said. "Water."
I reminded our friend of another girl in the congregation, a few months older than difficult child 3. I had visited them a few days earlier and the little girl had said to me, "Do you like 'Mr Bean'? I LOVE watching 'Mr Bean' because he's very funny. I especially like the episode where his friends come round for a party and they get bored and leave, then the next morning they come back for their hat just as Mr Bean has set the paint can to explode so he can paint the room really easily, and it leaves the shape of the man and his hat on the wall - I love that bit."
Big difference.
Give me your child for a week?
Sure. But give me time to print out the operating instructions.
Marg
DDD
Well-Known Member
Back in the '60's and '70's I heard that frequently and reading your post brings back the sense of isolation that those comments brought. One time I replied with something similar to "let me pack her bags" and then...
one of the easy child's said "Mommy, you wouldn't send any of us away would you?"
Sometimes you can't win.
Obviously...........I understand. DDD
one of the easy child's said "Mommy, you wouldn't send any of us away would you?"Sometimes you can't win.
Obviously...........I understand. DDD
mstang67chic
Going Green
That's always a fun one. I've had people who didn't know difficult child is medicated talk about how awful it is that parents put their kids on these medications and turn them into zombies. I've been known to look at them, point difficult child out (who was in all probability zipping around the room at full tilt) and ask them how zombified he looks.
I pretty much let it roll off when people say things like that. Or I'll just laugh and tell them they need to be careful what they wish for.
A friend of ours offered to be my babysitter when difficult child was 10. We weren't close friends but we socialized. Anyhoo....I told her about difficult child, what he does, how he acts, etc. She assured me it wouldn't be a problem. So....spring break rolled around and we gave it a test drive. At the time, they lived a block from where I worked. Two days into it, I was in my boss's office and looked up. There in the window were my friend (red faced, in tears and shaking from anger and frustration) and her husband (calm and holding a sobbing difficult child.....I really like that guy to this day). The chance never came because we didn't really associate after that but I'm guessing that given the opportunity....she would have listened to me a bit better after that.
I wish I had a snappy comeback for you to use but you've gotten some good ones. The only thing I can say is just picture the results and have a nice chuckle to yourself.
I pretty much let it roll off when people say things like that. Or I'll just laugh and tell them they need to be careful what they wish for.
A friend of ours offered to be my babysitter when difficult child was 10. We weren't close friends but we socialized. Anyhoo....I told her about difficult child, what he does, how he acts, etc. She assured me it wouldn't be a problem. So....spring break rolled around and we gave it a test drive. At the time, they lived a block from where I worked. Two days into it, I was in my boss's office and looked up. There in the window were my friend (red faced, in tears and shaking from anger and frustration) and her husband (calm and holding a sobbing difficult child.....I really like that guy to this day). The chance never came because we didn't really associate after that but I'm guessing that given the opportunity....she would have listened to me a bit better after that.
I wish I had a snappy comeback for you to use but you've gotten some good ones. The only thing I can say is just picture the results and have a nice chuckle to yourself.
howlongto18
New Member
It drives us nuts too, but my husband and I laugh a lot about this subject because no matter what anyone thinks, we know by the end of the week they'd be rocking in a corner to soothe themselves. Most people haven't seen one of his rages, and those who have shut up as soon as they did.
mother in law does an annual sleepover at her place during Christmas. We usually stay until it's fairly late already and he is always medicated. We give her the melatonin, which I think she must always give him as soon as we leave and then it's too early to work as well as it should. This year she had it a different day, had our nephew call and ask my son, "Are you coming to grandma's today?" without mentioning it was the sleepover. Then later she claimed to have invited him. I know this was no accident, so I'm pretty sure that whatever she thinks she could do with him, she would dread having to try and that should say something.
Gosh it's like twisting arms to get grandparents to babysit even though they offer it up on a silver platter to all the other grandkids.
mother in law does an annual sleepover at her place during Christmas. We usually stay until it's fairly late already and he is always medicated. We give her the melatonin, which I think she must always give him as soon as we leave and then it's too early to work as well as it should. This year she had it a different day, had our nephew call and ask my son, "Are you coming to grandma's today?" without mentioning it was the sleepover. Then later she claimed to have invited him. I know this was no accident, so I'm pretty sure that whatever she thinks she could do with him, she would dread having to try and that should say something.
Gosh it's like twisting arms to get grandparents to babysit even though they offer it up on a silver platter to all the other grandkids.
W
Wonderful Family
Guest
Great conversation.
First, since you are on this board, you know it is not the parents. I do have a different thought process in some respects. I now ask what they have in mind . . . A) - it shuts up stupid people and B) does let people who have good suggestions actually say something, even if it started out the wrong way.
Many things have transpired, but what's interesting is how we are finding that we simply no longer care what other people think as time goes by. I also find that people are not nearly so judgemental since difficult child is older now.
But it was really awful when he was younger (adopted, only child of a different race-must be Mom, right); especially since we mostly survived, tried to control his envrionment, and never, ever went out in public unless it was a difficult child-approved location.
If I had things to do over again, I would listen more and try to get past the judgement and see if they really had any useful ways to help. Some of the worst comments came from people who, in the end, recommended neuropsychologist testing, possible BiPolar (BP)/depression issues when we was 4/5; but their judgements against difficult child and us kept us from taking the good and throwing away the bad. They knew something that we did not, and we could have benefited if we were in the right mindset. And perhaps difficult child would not have come so unglued for a few years later.
on the other hand, when it comes to medication, easy child is a true ADHD wild man, and people frequently ask me if he should be medicated - even if they are on the non-medication side On a recent pleasure train ride to see the countryside, one of the conductors on the train asked me if I would like him to strap easy child down for a while . . .
First, since you are on this board, you know it is not the parents. I do have a different thought process in some respects. I now ask what they have in mind . . . A) - it shuts up stupid people and B) does let people who have good suggestions actually say something, even if it started out the wrong way.
Many things have transpired, but what's interesting is how we are finding that we simply no longer care what other people think as time goes by. I also find that people are not nearly so judgemental since difficult child is older now.
But it was really awful when he was younger (adopted, only child of a different race-must be Mom, right); especially since we mostly survived, tried to control his envrionment, and never, ever went out in public unless it was a difficult child-approved location.
If I had things to do over again, I would listen more and try to get past the judgement and see if they really had any useful ways to help. Some of the worst comments came from people who, in the end, recommended neuropsychologist testing, possible BiPolar (BP)/depression issues when we was 4/5; but their judgements against difficult child and us kept us from taking the good and throwing away the bad. They knew something that we did not, and we could have benefited if we were in the right mindset. And perhaps difficult child would not have come so unglued for a few years later.
on the other hand, when it comes to medication, easy child is a true ADHD wild man, and people frequently ask me if he should be medicated - even if they are on the non-medication side
On a recent pleasure train ride to see the countryside, one of the conductors on the train asked me if I would like him to strap easy child down for a while . . .
navineja
New Member
I have experienced this as well from friends who do not know the "real" child. They only see the twins in social settings and of course, then they only see the little "angels" (also to be read as "manipulative little girls"). No one understood why husband and I are so alert to all that the twins do and so quick to put a stop to even a small beginning of misbehavior. They had no idea how quickly seemingly innocent actions could escalate into full blown disasters. One friend told me that I should be slapped for how we treated the girls, that they were so well behaved. Another accused me of mentally abusing N after I had been in the restroom at church with her for about 30 minutes. This person assumed that I was reaming the child out the entire time, when precisely the opposite was true. N was in fact having a major meltdown and ranting and raving and being completely ODD while I said nothing and waited for her to calm.
What I learned from this was that I had to do just what I had been avoiding- I had to be more open about the twins' issues and problems. I had to show the scars on my body from the temper tantrums. I had to let others know about the broken doors in our home. I had to stop protecting the twins' reputation. I did this not to damage their "standing" before others, but to gain support for our family and thus benefit the girls in the long run.
I am happy to say that for me, due to great friends, this has helped us. Instead of others downgrading and criticizing, we now get commendation and support. This is not to say that everyone around us is wonderful or that this is going to be everyone's situation. I just hope that maybe someone will have the same good experience that we have had. Despite all the ignorant know-it-alls out there, there are good people too that try to understand.
What I learned from this was that I had to do just what I had been avoiding- I had to be more open about the twins' issues and problems. I had to show the scars on my body from the temper tantrums. I had to let others know about the broken doors in our home. I had to stop protecting the twins' reputation. I did this not to damage their "standing" before others, but to gain support for our family and thus benefit the girls in the long run.
I am happy to say that for me, due to great friends, this has helped us. Instead of others downgrading and criticizing, we now get commendation and support. This is not to say that everyone around us is wonderful or that this is going to be everyone's situation. I just hope that maybe someone will have the same good experience that we have had. Despite all the ignorant know-it-alls out there, there are good people too that try to understand.
