"If I had him for one week"...

[Mandy]

I am sure you have all heard this comment a million times from family, friends, or coworkers. Lately husband and I have both heard this comment seperatly when asked abt. difficult child and it really bothers us. So my questions are:

How do you defend yourself and difficult child when someone makes this comment?
Do you ignore it or come back with some clever response?

Thanks in advance!!

 

[TerryJ2]

Hi Mandy,
luckily, I haven't had a friend tell me this in a long time.
A good friend, who has no kids, and works for the criminal justice system, had a pretty narrow view, and I just quit talking to her about him. I used to tell her everything. Now I realize that was a mistake.
Unless there is some reason you must have interaction with-these people, I would just stay away from them.
Your coworkers shouldn't be talking about your son ... unless you are bringing up the subject first. Again, I wouldn't even bring it up.

There are very few people who understand our lives and our children, who do not have children of their own who have dxes like ours. It's just too hard for people to comprehend. I have learned over the yrs to lower my expectations. Really, really lower them.

 

[flutterbee]

I'd ask them when they want me to drop him off.

Another one I've used is, I'll be sure to let the therapist/psychiatrist know your thoughts on this.

When it was a particularly nasty co-worker, I asked her why she thought she could talk to me that way.

I've tried to educate people, but someone people aren't going to get it and some don't want to. And I've got better things to spend my energy on than some know-it-all that hasn't walked in my shoes.

 

[Nancy423]

"Oh thank you for taking such an interst in difficult child, I'm sure he'd love to spend some time with you. let's go check our calendars now to see when we could work this out." (that was dripping with- sarcasm and underlying menace)

seriously, I have no idea how I'd respond. I've just never had to deal with- people who are this idiotic with- my difficult child. I would have to guage whether or not this person is truly interested in helping or is just spouting off at the mouth.

 

[Steely]

Grrrrr........
Few comments other than things like this make me so angry.

Personally I used to refuse to talk about my son to anyone, which is probably not healthy, but I became very, very closed to most people. (Did not help me make friends, for sure.) But I knew that few would understand, and I also knew that if someone smarted off to me like that my temper would flare, so I mostly kept it myself.

Not my recommendation, of course, I can only tell you I understand. It is so, terribly hard, and I don't have a great answer for you.

 

[Mandy]

Sorry, to clarify husband and I actually work together We both at seperate times have had to leave work to go get him at the sitters when he was in a meltdown. We try not to openly talk about difficult child just because we have found that people don't understand, but we were asked questions recently about why were leaving etc. and how he was doing. It is a fairly small office also where everyone asks abt. eachothers familys. My family hasnt made the comment because they do realize that our parenting has nothing to do with difficult child.

I really like the comment abt. asking them if they want him Sometimes I wouldnt mind giving him away for a week. lol

 

[klmno]

Oh, it's VERY annoying!! My response varies depending on who says it, although my difficult child has done so much at this point that I don't get the comment much anymore. LOL!

A therapist once suggested asking people if they were willing to raise him until he 18 yo, another is to ask what they would do any differently, another is (if I knew the person and knew why that would be disastrous) then say "yeah, the XXX behavior might stop, but think about how then he'd be doing ABC instead".

Sorry- there is no way really to help, I think we just have to harden ourselves to it and let it roll off our back. I'll be interested in reading others' responses...

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Oh, I am SO with Heather on this.

You want him for a week? He's all yours. See ya.

 

[BusynMember]

I'd say "Be my guest!!!" And I'd mean it

 

[meowbunny]

I once had a very close friend say that to me. I just looked at her, packed my daughter's stuff and let her have her for a week. For the first three days, my child was an angel and had a ball. On day 4, I got a call begging me to pick her up. Worked well for me. I got a break and she never made another comment.

For most, I would politely tell them that I was just venting and love her way too much to give her up for a week. However, if they wouldn't mind taking her for an hour or so every so often, it would really be appreciated. Amazingly, only person ever offered to babysit but they never again made comments about how they could change my child.

The one that truly angered me was my pastor. He told me to quit sparing the rod. This was less than a year after she had come into my home. She was barely 4 years old at the time! He had been my pastor for almost all of my life. He wrote one of the letters of recommendation for my husband and I to adopt. For him to suggest that I wasn't parenting properly when I went to him for help and suggest that I basically abuse this little girl, my heart of hearts was really too much. I changed churches because of this.

 

[JJJ]

I'd probably go the sarcasm route as well, "Wow, you have a cure for a neurological disorder?? And it only takes a week?? You have got to come meet the quack I've been taking him to, that doctor says that this is a lifelong disability. Do you take insurance?"

 

[DazedandConfused]

I'd probably go the sarcasm route as well, "Wow, you have a cure for a neurological disorder?? And it only takes a week?? You have got to come meet the quack I've been taking him to, that doctor says that this is a lifelong disability. Do you take insurance?"

It's my nature to be sarcastic.

I like to listen to conversations when the people talking don't know about my difficult children. I remember one teacher I worked with (who, at the time didn't have any children of her own) blathering on about Ritalin and "drugging kids until they're zombies" in the school staff room.

I just looked at her with a deadpan look on my face and evenly said, "Ritalin doesn't turn kids into zombies, it does quite the opposite. That is why it is called a stimulant, it stimulates."

She was such a jerk! I"m so glad she left to teach somewhere else.

 

[Mandy]

You guys are great! I love all these responses. LOL

I am also sarcastic and a little "fiesty" by nature.Since husband is the opposite and it irritated him too then I knew I had a right to be "irritated" to politly put it!!

 

[lizzie09]

The amount of people esp relatives who think they can dit better is truly amazing/
My mother in law, sister in law and friends regularly arrive with HUGE cholcolate bars for PWS son and when I GASP in fright they say oh dont be so silly.....I could do this better ...let him have chocolate it wont matter...and I am left trying to extract the bar from under the nose of 1 22yd old who at this stage is furioius to be deprived

My mother in law will then say....come and stay with me for your hols and I will give you what you want!!!! Now try to tell the lad he cant have the choccy/ Its nuts but frankly NOONE understamds the differet situation...I wont even go down the recent road of BiPolar (BP) or it would freak them out.

 

[trinityroyal]

If there's one comment that makes me lose my sunny disposition, THAT is the comment.
I like JJJ's response, and MB's.

I did send difficult child to stay with a friend who made this comment to me. Once. difficult child ended up having full-on mania with paranoia, and husband, I and a bunch of our neighbours had to comb the woods behind our houses for hours trying to get him to come back.

I'm never doing that again. But strangely enough, I haven't heard that comment since.

Trinity

 

[totoro]

Say "OK but do you have an hour or two to go over Gs'FG Mood Log, Medications, schedules, food that she can have, triggers, emergency numbers, list of all of her Doctors, how to properly restrain difficult child, what to do if difficult child tries to jump out of the car when moving, what to do if difficult child tries to kill herself or anyones else, how she sometimes eats inedible items, you might want to get locks for you room just in case, put away any knifes, scissors, lock up poisons you know things like this."
"I will also need to bring over all of her Therapy items, for when she becomes Hypo, or Manic"
"I will probably bring over 2 suitcases with all of her stuff, oh and she needs help wiping and still wets the bed occasionally. "

"Have fun, oh did I mention she hallucinates at times?"

 

[butterflydreams]

I absolutely hate this as well. So many people think that problems with our difficult child's is parenting issues. I hear from my ex-mother in law all the time. After difficult child was in Residential Treatment Center (RTC), I was giving her an update and she said "oh, darn it I thought that was all over with" She told my daughter one time that she "thought she was through with that" my daughter tried to tell her that bipolar was something that they would have to deal with for the rest of their lives, grandma is in complete denial. I know she probably tells everyone that I am such a bad parent. I remember when I first had kids, she told me how her oldest son and his wife had put their son in a mental hospital for something - she said for discipline issues - who knows. Anyway, she just thought it was awful of them to do that, now with difficult child having been inpatient several times and then in Residential Treatment Center (RTC), I must be the worst mother there is! She has no clue - she hasn't seem difficult child in almost 4 years and she hasn't seen my daughter in probably 2. Alot happens in that amount of time.

Christy

 

[tiredmommy]

"If you had her for one week... you'd be erecting a monument to me on day 8."

 

[JJJ]

"If you had her for one week... you'd be erecting a monument to me on day 8."

LOL!

 

[Mandy]

"If you had her for one week... you'd be erecting a monument to me on day 8."

That is wonderful!!! I think I will use that next time!!! So witty and clever... EXCELLENT!!! LOL

I wish I had some of those little laughing smiles to stick in