Agree. His issues are his. Husband says he'll work Monday to get him into therapy or serve the 30 day notice if he doesn't agree. I will attend my first Alanon mtg Saturday. So. Any steps right now but it's something.
I'm a failure
- Thread starter Lucyxyz
- Start date
Agree. His issues are his. Husband says he'll work Monday to get him into therapy or serve the 30 day notice if he doesn't agree. I will attend my first Alanon mtg Saturday. So. Any steps right now but it's something.
I'm not sure how to navigate this site, but I can tell you this. I am 78 and my son is 54. Without me he would be on the street. He has been a difficult child since he was born, never smiled, always angry. Essentially, nothing has changed except his age. A skilled upholstered, bright, angry, and oh, the list is long.
If you want to read my story look for "lifetime of sadness." You don't want to be where I am years from now. I've learned it's okay not to love your adult child. After all, what is there to love? I understand the guilt we put on ourselves, but at some point we have to let them go. Fortunately he doesn't live with me. But, oh, the awful phone calls.
None of us wants our child to suffer. But, what about you? Don't you deserve a life without this Misery? Don't be where I am. Let him go.
If you want to read my story look for "lifetime of sadness." You don't want to be where I am years from now. I've learned it's okay not to love your adult child. After all, what is there to love? I understand the guilt we put on ourselves, but at some point we have to let them go. Fortunately he doesn't live with me. But, oh, the awful phone calls.
None of us wants our child to suffer. But, what about you? Don't you deserve a life without this Misery? Don't be where I am. Let him go.
Lost in sadness
Active Member
Hi Lucy
I am so sorry to hear your story, I have been following it. My story is much the same. We have lived for two years with the drug use, lies, laziness and angry abuse. He scares me. He can be lovely, just not to us. We threw him out in April at only 18 years old but still tried to help him. He threw everything back in our faces, blaming us for his whole disaster of a life. I have just cut all ties, literally this is day 10 and I feel so much more relaxed - like my life has just begun again. I know he has a roof over his head, not a good one in terms of the company but thats his choice. I also know it would be much harder if he were on the streets but for now I am just living one day at a time. I'm thinking of you with warm thoughts and hope you find the right decision for you, the strength to do it and the peace you deserve. xxx
I am so sorry to hear your story, I have been following it. My story is much the same. We have lived for two years with the drug use, lies, laziness and angry abuse. He scares me. He can be lovely, just not to us. We threw him out in April at only 18 years old but still tried to help him. He threw everything back in our faces, blaming us for his whole disaster of a life. I have just cut all ties, literally this is day 10 and I feel so much more relaxed - like my life has just begun again. I know he has a roof over his head, not a good one in terms of the company but thats his choice. I also know it would be much harder if he were on the streets but for now I am just living one day at a time. I'm thinking of you with warm thoughts and hope you find the right decision for you, the strength to do it and the peace you deserve. xxx
Childofmine
one day at a time
Lucy, you are making progress. I just reread the entire thread and things have changed since you started sharing your story here. That is progress. That is wonderful. Claim that and own it, even in the midst of confusion and pain.
You are doing exactly what RN recommended above. You are dealing with the here and now. My son was in a severe downward spiral for 6 years. Today he works full time, pays his own bills, is rebuilding his life, and is sweet and kind. He and I have a good relationship, and there was a time when I would only talk to him for 10 minutes once a week on Saturday mornings. It took all kinds of boundaries that I couldn't begin to imagine before I had some peace and he started getting the message that his mother was now a dead end.
Stopping acting with our precious DCs is the hardest thing in the world to do. We think...if we do one more thing...if we say one more thing...if we put up with one more thing...that will be the ONE THING that will change the course of the horror that is happening.
I firmly believe after years of dealing with this (my own son) that I was never going to be the path or the open door to his recovery. It was going to have to be through someone else and somewhere else. I finally, finally got out of the way. Believe me, I fell on my face 1000 times trying to "help" him. Nothing I did ever helped him. He only got worse.
Hang in there. Start putting yourself first. I call it the 51%/49% rule. I matter 51%, he matters 49%. That shift in my thinking led to changed actions by me. I started asking myself what I needed. I started admitting I couldn't do this. I started admitting I wasn't superhuman and could stand any type of stress or misery. I started taking better care of myself. I learned how to do that in Al-Anon and in therapy. It is a slow walk in a long journey of self-improvement.
We are here for you during this hard, hard time. We so understand the complexity of it all.
You are doing exactly what RN recommended above. You are dealing with the here and now. My son was in a severe downward spiral for 6 years. Today he works full time, pays his own bills, is rebuilding his life, and is sweet and kind. He and I have a good relationship, and there was a time when I would only talk to him for 10 minutes once a week on Saturday mornings. It took all kinds of boundaries that I couldn't begin to imagine before I had some peace and he started getting the message that his mother was now a dead end.
Stopping acting with our precious DCs is the hardest thing in the world to do. We think...if we do one more thing...if we say one more thing...if we put up with one more thing...that will be the ONE THING that will change the course of the horror that is happening.
I firmly believe after years of dealing with this (my own son) that I was never going to be the path or the open door to his recovery. It was going to have to be through someone else and somewhere else. I finally, finally got out of the way. Believe me, I fell on my face 1000 times trying to "help" him. Nothing I did ever helped him. He only got worse.
Hang in there. Start putting yourself first. I call it the 51%/49% rule. I matter 51%, he matters 49%. That shift in my thinking led to changed actions by me. I started asking myself what I needed. I started admitting I couldn't do this. I started admitting I wasn't superhuman and could stand any type of stress or misery. I started taking better care of myself. I learned how to do that in Al-Anon and in therapy. It is a slow walk in a long journey of self-improvement.
We are here for you during this hard, hard time. We so understand the complexity of it all.
Ironbutterfly
If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree
Hi Lucy- I see that you have taken steps to getting counseling and hubby has a plan with 30 day notice if further incidences.
Totally agree with Susie in regards to having drugs in your home. He could get angry and say they are yours. YOU could lose everything, your home, cars due to your son. YOU see pot laying on the table next time, I would throw it out. Like you said, probably so stoned he forgot it was there.
I had a friend who had a teenage son and when they found pot in in his room, they totally cleaned out his room. He had a sleeping blanket only in the room. They even took off the doors. They made him do random home drug tests. He had to earn his things back. It worked for them. YOU may have to make it so miserable for him to live there that he leaves voluntarily. I know there is fear he will harm you- and maybe fearful to do as my friend did. I understand. But if and when he goes off on you both, record it and call the police. YOUR home should be your sanctuary. There are no boundaries with him, he knows this. Yes he has power now- but you and hubby can work toward regaining your power over your lives and your home.
I would look into the laws of your state regarding temporary restraining orders and eviction process. Knowledge ahead of time is power.
Our neighbor had to evict their daughter with combined TRO last year.
Keeps us posted. Many of us have been down various roads with our D 's. Some have walked totally away for their own sanity and safety. Some are still trying to help their Difficult Child'S find their way in hopes that this time it will work. Some Difficult Child's have been successful and changed their lives. Tragically, some have not ended well for their Difficult Child's. YOU have to find what works for you and what YOU can live with.
Nothing changes until it changes. Keep posting with updates. But your safety should be first above everything else.
Totally agree with Susie in regards to having drugs in your home. He could get angry and say they are yours. YOU could lose everything, your home, cars due to your son. YOU see pot laying on the table next time, I would throw it out. Like you said, probably so stoned he forgot it was there.
I had a friend who had a teenage son and when they found pot in in his room, they totally cleaned out his room. He had a sleeping blanket only in the room. They even took off the doors. They made him do random home drug tests. He had to earn his things back. It worked for them. YOU may have to make it so miserable for him to live there that he leaves voluntarily. I know there is fear he will harm you- and maybe fearful to do as my friend did. I understand. But if and when he goes off on you both, record it and call the police. YOUR home should be your sanctuary. There are no boundaries with him, he knows this. Yes he has power now- but you and hubby can work toward regaining your power over your lives and your home.
I would look into the laws of your state regarding temporary restraining orders and eviction process. Knowledge ahead of time is power.
Our neighbor had to evict their daughter with combined TRO last year.
Keeps us posted. Many of us have been down various roads with our D 's. Some have walked totally away for their own sanity and safety. Some are still trying to help their Difficult Child'S find their way in hopes that this time it will work. Some Difficult Child's have been successful and changed their lives. Tragically, some have not ended well for their Difficult Child's. YOU have to find what works for you and what YOU can live with.
Nothing changes until it changes. Keep posting with updates. But your safety should be first above everything else.
Please know that your son does NOT have to claim the drugs are yours and that you are the one dealing the drugs to have your property seized. If your son is dealing drugs from your property the authorities can seize the property. This includes your home and vehicles. I know people it happened to. The property was used 'in furtherance of the crime' so it was forfeit. This means it was used to store the drugs until they were sold, and the drugs were sold on the property, and even though the owners didn't have a clue, they still lost everything.
THIS is another reason you don't let your drug abusing child use your vehicles. If they sell even a small amount to a friend, and get caught, you can lose your vehicle. Not every jurisdiction enforces this, but some will enforce it for sharing a joint. Some will go after your home for selling a few ounces of weed, others won't go after your home for selling kilos of harder drugs. It all depends on where you are and who the detectives and DA's are. But it can and DOES happen. If the risk of what your child might do to someone else isn't enough, the risk of losing the vehicle should be enough to help you tell the substance abuser that he just cannot use your vehicle. by the way, you still have to make whatever payments on the car that are left if you still owe money on it. Having it seized by the police doesn't change a thing in your payment schedule.
THIS is another reason you don't let your drug abusing child use your vehicles. If they sell even a small amount to a friend, and get caught, you can lose your vehicle. Not every jurisdiction enforces this, but some will enforce it for sharing a joint. Some will go after your home for selling a few ounces of weed, others won't go after your home for selling kilos of harder drugs. It all depends on where you are and who the detectives and DA's are. But it can and DOES happen. If the risk of what your child might do to someone else isn't enough, the risk of losing the vehicle should be enough to help you tell the substance abuser that he just cannot use your vehicle. by the way, you still have to make whatever payments on the car that are left if you still owe money on it. Having it seized by the police doesn't change a thing in your payment schedule.
We did all of this. Took his door off, drug testing (he'd refuse to take them or give us toilet water). I'm fed up so I make sure I'm hope as little as possible.
This is my greatest fear. Thank you for posting this. Can you point me to your story? New here and don't k ow my way around yet
DazedandConfused
Well-Known Member
I just wanted to repeat this. I'm also in California. I see that you've got a plan with your spouse. That's good. Please, however, if that doesn't work out do not hesitate getting a TRO. No one should feel unsafe in their own home, even from their child.
Hi Lucy,
I'm just now getting caught up on some posts as I've been away from the site due to my mother in-laws passing.
Reading your story was like reading my own.
My son started out being a loving little boy but around age 12 the difficulties started. I too dealt with daily phone calls from school for him being disruptive in class or that he had ditched school all together.
Many episodes of him running away only to break into our house when we were at work so he could steal from us.
We also had a lock on our bedroom door. That afforded me "some" peace at night so I could sleep. We would lock the bedroom door when we went to work. We had to keep anything of value locked in our room. One day I had a call from the school, he was ditching again. I left work to come home, I saw him walking on our street, pulled to car over and told him to get in. He took of running, hopping neighbors fences. I knew I couldn't catch him so I went home and what I found was a hole about a foot wide in our bedroom door. He had taken a hammer and beat a hole through the door, went into our room, trashed it and stole our safe.
We tried counseling as a family - our son would go but would not participate.
He constantly blamed us for everything.
Drugging and drinking.
Getting arrested numerous times as a juvenile and adult (he has recently been arrested again)
I get it! I know the hell you are living through. My husband started out wanting to "give him another chance" but what started to change his attitude was that I was truly afraid of my son. I'm tall but when my son grew taller than me he would get right in my face and scream at me with his fists clenched. Of course my husband would say "I will not allow him to hurt you" but he began to realize he could not be with me all the time.
We should never have to be afraid to be in our own homes.
I wish I could tell you it will get better but no one knows how things will play out. I can tell you that I couldn't stand for my son to be around. Oh the guilt I carried over that! He's my one and only child and I didn't want him around. I have since come to understand that I had nothing to feel guilty about. For whatever reason my son, your son and many other sons and daughters push those who love them away and choose to live their lives without regard to how they are hurting those that love them.
With my son, he was court ordered out of our home because the judge feared for our safety. Our son was under 18 and was ordered into a group home from which he ran away and was then ordered into a juvenile detention for 1 year. I understand that where you live you will have to have him evicted to get him out of your home. Something you might need to consider is every time he threatens you to call the police and file charges against him. This might help in getting him out of your home.
There are some here that their adult kids have turned their lives around and live a more conventional type of life and there are those like me who's son continues to live on the edge. My son will spend his 35th birthday in jail. He managed to stay out of jail for a couple of years. I fear this time he will have to do some serious time as the charge against him is assault with a deadly weapon (knife).
As you can see, I've been dealing with this for many years. My husband and I have tried many times to help him. We have spent tens of thousands of dollars. We have done everything we could. We are all on separate journeys yet they are very similar, we walk alone, yet we have each other. We each come into our time of "having enough" and that may last for a year or two then we can backslide and try to help them again. There are no right or wrong answers to any of this. We each have to do what we can live with but the most important thing we need to do is to PROTECT OURSELVES AND FEEL SAFE.
If you have not done so already, you might consider reading some of our stories to your husband.
I'm glad that you seeking some counseling for yourself and are reaching out to Al-Anon. You will never be able to change your son but you can change yourself in how you respond to him. Setting clear strong boundaries is where you will find strength.
I'm so glad you are here with us. You will find needed support here without judgment.
Keep posting and keep reading.
Hang in there!!
((HUGS)) to you......................................
I'm just now getting caught up on some posts as I've been away from the site due to my mother in-laws passing.
Reading your story was like reading my own.
My son started out being a loving little boy but around age 12 the difficulties started. I too dealt with daily phone calls from school for him being disruptive in class or that he had ditched school all together.
Many episodes of him running away only to break into our house when we were at work so he could steal from us.
We also had a lock on our bedroom door. That afforded me "some" peace at night so I could sleep. We would lock the bedroom door when we went to work. We had to keep anything of value locked in our room. One day I had a call from the school, he was ditching again. I left work to come home, I saw him walking on our street, pulled to car over and told him to get in. He took of running, hopping neighbors fences. I knew I couldn't catch him so I went home and what I found was a hole about a foot wide in our bedroom door. He had taken a hammer and beat a hole through the door, went into our room, trashed it and stole our safe.
We tried counseling as a family - our son would go but would not participate.
He constantly blamed us for everything.
Drugging and drinking.
Getting arrested numerous times as a juvenile and adult (he has recently been arrested again)
I get it! I know the hell you are living through. My husband started out wanting to "give him another chance" but what started to change his attitude was that I was truly afraid of my son. I'm tall but when my son grew taller than me he would get right in my face and scream at me with his fists clenched. Of course my husband would say "I will not allow him to hurt you" but he began to realize he could not be with me all the time.
We should never have to be afraid to be in our own homes.
I wish I could tell you it will get better but no one knows how things will play out. I can tell you that I couldn't stand for my son to be around. Oh the guilt I carried over that! He's my one and only child and I didn't want him around. I have since come to understand that I had nothing to feel guilty about. For whatever reason my son, your son and many other sons and daughters push those who love them away and choose to live their lives without regard to how they are hurting those that love them.
With my son, he was court ordered out of our home because the judge feared for our safety. Our son was under 18 and was ordered into a group home from which he ran away and was then ordered into a juvenile detention for 1 year. I understand that where you live you will have to have him evicted to get him out of your home. Something you might need to consider is every time he threatens you to call the police and file charges against him. This might help in getting him out of your home.
There are some here that their adult kids have turned their lives around and live a more conventional type of life and there are those like me who's son continues to live on the edge. My son will spend his 35th birthday in jail. He managed to stay out of jail for a couple of years. I fear this time he will have to do some serious time as the charge against him is assault with a deadly weapon (knife).
As you can see, I've been dealing with this for many years. My husband and I have tried many times to help him. We have spent tens of thousands of dollars. We have done everything we could. We are all on separate journeys yet they are very similar, we walk alone, yet we have each other. We each come into our time of "having enough" and that may last for a year or two then we can backslide and try to help them again. There are no right or wrong answers to any of this. We each have to do what we can live with but the most important thing we need to do is to PROTECT OURSELVES AND FEEL SAFE.
If you have not done so already, you might consider reading some of our stories to your husband.
I'm glad that you seeking some counseling for yourself and are reaching out to Al-Anon. You will never be able to change your son but you can change yourself in how you respond to him. Setting clear strong boundaries is where you will find strength.
I'm so glad you are here with us. You will find needed support here without judgment.
Keep posting and keep reading.
Hang in there!!
((HUGS)) to you......................................
What a sad sad story. First off, so glad you wrote here. You need help and relief. Take extra care of yourself PRONTO!
Ya know, I've done a little research on narcissism, and only children, males are the most common of the lot, and this would increase slightly if they are good looking. Does he happen to be very good looking as well?
I read two of your posts, and will check as soon as I can if there is a third or if you add more later.
Is there any mental illness in your family as well?
Then, throw in the drug abuse!!! Is he actively using? What drugs that you are aware of?
I'm VERY GLAD to read you are planning on going to therapy. It sounds like you need the support and if you could get your husband to at least agree to a few sessions of family therapy that would be great. Not necessarily with the same therapist.
Also, there are very good support groups. Family Anonymous is very good and might be ideal for you. NOt just for support, but to find out what resources are available in your community.
I went to one or two group meetings and thought it excellent, although I didn't fit in ideally because I noticed that most of the group had adult children who were using drugs and were mentally ill or had a personality disorder. So, I would say a dual diagnosis. Drugs + x. (Our daughter is not into drugs ....crossing myself here).
Will your son consider going to a therapist? A psychiatrist? He might benefit from prescription medication of some kind.
When he is voilent or threatening toward you, I would call the police ASAP and consider seeing if you can put him in some sort of mental health facility. In my area of the country (are you in the US?) it is called a Baker Act. A three day "hold" in a mental health facility if someone is a danger to himself or others.
IN fact, when you call the police, you might say that your son is acting threatening, you are afraid, he seems very unstable and you need someone ASAP, but if they happen to have someone trained with mentally ill people, to send someone with this training to the house.
I would consult with an attorney about your legal rights re: having him evicted, especially if he makes zero progress in terms of seeing a therapist, finding a job, getting on medication and stopping drug use.
The probability of this is just not high at all...so please take steps forward to protect yourself ....therapy, counseling, advice of an attorney, advice of the police, Baker Act as needed, Family Anonymous meetings, police , etc. And the little things....get a pedicure...etc. But take action. Do not let this pass. It is dangerous and UNACCEPTABLE....and you are NOT a failure!
ps Just saw the little post re: getting your son into therapy and possibly serving him a thirty day notice if he refuses. A wonderful first step. Stick to your guns. Again, this stuff is dangerous, unacceptable and you are NOT a failure!
Ya know, I've done a little research on narcissism, and only children, males are the most common of the lot, and this would increase slightly if they are good looking. Does he happen to be very good looking as well?
I read two of your posts, and will check as soon as I can if there is a third or if you add more later.
Is there any mental illness in your family as well?
Then, throw in the drug abuse!!! Is he actively using? What drugs that you are aware of?
I'm VERY GLAD to read you are planning on going to therapy. It sounds like you need the support and if you could get your husband to at least agree to a few sessions of family therapy that would be great. Not necessarily with the same therapist.
Also, there are very good support groups. Family Anonymous is very good and might be ideal for you. NOt just for support, but to find out what resources are available in your community.
I went to one or two group meetings and thought it excellent, although I didn't fit in ideally because I noticed that most of the group had adult children who were using drugs and were mentally ill or had a personality disorder. So, I would say a dual diagnosis. Drugs + x. (Our daughter is not into drugs ....crossing myself here).
Will your son consider going to a therapist? A psychiatrist? He might benefit from prescription medication of some kind.
When he is voilent or threatening toward you, I would call the police ASAP and consider seeing if you can put him in some sort of mental health facility. In my area of the country (are you in the US?) it is called a Baker Act. A three day "hold" in a mental health facility if someone is a danger to himself or others.
IN fact, when you call the police, you might say that your son is acting threatening, you are afraid, he seems very unstable and you need someone ASAP, but if they happen to have someone trained with mentally ill people, to send someone with this training to the house.
I would consult with an attorney about your legal rights re: having him evicted, especially if he makes zero progress in terms of seeing a therapist, finding a job, getting on medication and stopping drug use.
The probability of this is just not high at all...so please take steps forward to protect yourself ....therapy, counseling, advice of an attorney, advice of the police, Baker Act as needed, Family Anonymous meetings, police , etc. And the little things....get a pedicure...etc. But take action. Do not let this pass. It is dangerous and UNACCEPTABLE....and you are NOT a failure!
ps Just saw the little post re: getting your son into therapy and possibly serving him a thirty day notice if he refuses. A wonderful first step. Stick to your guns. Again, this stuff is dangerous, unacceptable and you are NOT a failure!
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Copabanana
Well-Known Member
You have gotten good advise here from a host of others. I wanted to say hi and to reassure you that your response is normal, healthy and loving even. How could love be defined as accepting abuse, repeated threats and violence, degradation and disrespect. Where is love defined as synonymous with punching bag?
I believe we go into a shock-like response, a dissociative state, really, that characterizes people with PTSD. We do not allow ourselves the normal self-protective responses we would always engage in with others who mistreat us, because these are our babies: NOT.
The more you accept his mistreatment, the more angry and decompensated he will become. He wants you to set a limit. He is crying out for it. He needs it. This is HIS chance: the need to be responsible for what he does and its effects; and ultimately for himself.
Many of us here have had to stop having contact with our children, myself included.
I am sure others have mentioned Al Anon. This would be a resource to help you in your journey to set limits and to also begin to reclaim your own life.
I am sorry you find yourself in this situation with the child you have loved most in the world. There is a way through this for you and for him. Unfortunately, the first step is self-protection which you have come to, and good for you.
Welcome. I hope you keep posting. It helps
I believe we go into a shock-like response, a dissociative state, really, that characterizes people with PTSD. We do not allow ourselves the normal self-protective responses we would always engage in with others who mistreat us, because these are our babies: NOT.
Some months back my now 28 year old son told me, "I can't believe you thought I did not love you. Who I did not love was myself."
The more you accept his mistreatment, the more angry and decompensated he will become. He wants you to set a limit. He is crying out for it. He needs it. This is HIS chance: the need to be responsible for what he does and its effects; and ultimately for himself.
I will tell you what I would do: I would stop any and all contact. I would write him an email or send him a text message and I would tell him: I will not accept being threatened or degraded by your speech and your behavior. Until you achieve self-control and decide to comport yourself towards me respectfully, I will have no contact with you.
Every single time, please call 911. This is a felony in my own state. You do not help him by letting this go.
Many of us here have had to stop having contact with our children, myself included.
I am sure others have mentioned Al Anon. This would be a resource to help you in your journey to set limits and to also begin to reclaim your own life.
I am sorry you find yourself in this situation with the child you have loved most in the world. There is a way through this for you and for him. Unfortunately, the first step is self-protection which you have come to, and good for you.
Welcome. I hope you keep posting. It helps
This thread has given me hope in 2 ways. One that I, not the only one that doesn't want their difficult adult child in their life anymore (unless dramatic changes are demonstrated). I've spent 36 years trying to get it right and now I'm learning that for the past 20 I've been an enabler.
My only concern is my 2 grandsons. They are not travelling well living in that environment. They are not thriving and they're angry. They are only 6 and 7. How sad is that?
However, I started counselling and I've been twice. It's already helping enormously. Without it I just kept questioning myself if I'm the one that's crazy.
I'm also glad though for the women that report they've seen a change once they've let go albeit slowly. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences xxx
My only concern is my 2 grandsons. They are not travelling well living in that environment. They are not thriving and they're angry. They are only 6 and 7. How sad is that?
However, I started counselling and I've been twice. It's already helping enormously. Without it I just kept questioning myself if I'm the one that's crazy.
I'm also glad though for the women that report they've seen a change once they've let go albeit slowly. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences xxx
Catmom
Member
My heart is with you as I too have a similar situation. My story is just like everyone's story here about their adult children. I am fortunate that hubby and I are on the same page though although I was the enabler for the past 5-7 years. Now, I am completely done with the drama and just want peace in my home. I am asking my son who is 22 yrs old to move out. I am telling him this weekend when we are all available to sit down and talk. I too do not like my son at all right now. I just know that he needs to leave so that I can heal from this horrible parent child relationship and then go from there. We have a great therapist who is cheering us. This site has really helped me deal with things the last few months and even though I don't post a lot, I just want to thank everyone. Hang in there!
