I'm not a Good Mother - just some thoughts

[Fran]

Genny said:

"I realized that I don't feel the least bit ashamed or self conscious about"

This is our truth. We aren't our childrens behaviors. We throw the shame out. Guilt is useless waste of energy if it can't change anything.

Lizanne,genny,delores,alisha,susie, I think about how in olden days mothers learned to mother from their mothers and grandmothers. It was passed down the line. We don't have that for easy child's and we, of course, change our parenting every so often. For difficult child's I'd like to think that those of us who are "older" warrior mom's can share our experiences so that those who are coming up behind will see that they are not so different. You pick and choose what you will take and use but at least you are encouraged to think.

I am glad this has helped some. My husband got a chuckle out of this because of the title. He understood what I had to say though.

 

[busywend]

Well, I guess my post was mostly about the fact that I did not think I was the 'normal' Good Mother. I was different than most of difficult children 'friends' moms.

But, I do believe I strived to be the best mom I could be. I do not believe it turned out to be the best way to parent difficult child. Maybe it was at the time, but the changes needed as time went on were tough to handle for both of us.

 

[surf girl aka: briansmom]

Fran,

Your post was a good read. It sure struck a chord with many of us.

I was in that trap - the "good mother" trap. The most important thing in my life was going to be my parenting role. I was going to turn out a fantastic kid, darn it! And, in my opinion each kid, each person, has fantastic qualities - even if they hide them or they are masqued by disorders. How foolish I was to believe that what I did was going to make him be anything other than the person he was.

Once I quit beating myself up over not being the "good mom" any longer, I quit placing blame - blame I put square on my own shoulders. I found that the responsibility is what mattered, not the blame, and the responsibility quit lying with me long ago.

I chose to not make the children the center of the house but to make the family the center of the home.

I think that is a strong statement, and a good one. It's tough for me, as it's just Bri and myself at home (well, and the dog), but ... each of us in a family has a function. Bri relied on me too much - he's learning to rely on himself.

He turned to me to help make decisions. He's learning to make decisions/choices on his own. Sometimes they aren't good ones, but he's beginning to "get it" when he needs to make different choices.

I realize I don't need, or really want, anyone to tell me I'm a good mom. I don't need a pat on the back or an accolade. I need to know my son is going to be okay. I am fortunate, because his disorder is moderate compared to many. I think he will be okay.

I went away for the first time in a couple of years - took a long weekend for myself and SO. It felt good. I feel recharged. I feel as though I have given to myself for the first time in a long time.

At the end of the day, all that matters is that B is a law abiding, self sufficient, hard working individual. He's got the tools for that, and knows what parts of his disorder need tending to - it's up to him to make things happen.

And, if he needs some counsel, I'm here for him - always here for him.

So, if I'm baking choc chip cookies these days, I'm likely to toss a couple his way. But, the entire batch isn't for him anymore. It's for all the people in my life now, including me. :laugh:

 

[Allan-Matlem]

Hi,
I am also not a good mother -

I am a good dad
Here are a few points on the subject
1 A good mother is one who is good to herself , teaches her kids that she is also a person with needs , self respect. If you act like a slave your kids will treat you like one. Have a life of your own
2 Ross Greene said if we call our kids interactions as bad behavior , this implies bad parenting which implies bad treatment.Good parenting means being responsive to and making the most of the hand you have been dealt
3 You don't make things worse - being a trigger, too demanding on your kids limited flexibility. Model flexibility and be a problem solver,
good communicator , listener etc
4 Codependent - You just have to read the title of the book - Codependent no more , how to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself
stepping back is empowering
5 being for your kid and not doing
6 Putting a boundary around yourself especially an emotional boundary meaning your kid cannot trigger a reaction from you , you are responsible for your own emotions and actions , not your kids
7 parenting is measured by the informed efforts made not by the results
8 Coping better , growing emotionally etc despite our kids
I think the moms here are super good mothers
Yours Allan

 

[pigless]

Being the bizarre square peg that I am, I can't relate to any of this. What your essay did for me, Fran, is to show me how my mom felt when we were small. She tried very hard to be a perfect mom and hated every minute of it.

The problem with her, though, was that when she experienced the divorce, she flat out quit her parenting job completely. Rather left me without any parenting template whatsoever. I've had to create my job description from scratch and was somehow able to avoid all the June Cleaverisms.
I suppose that's why some of the suburban moms look at me with this "deer in the headlight" expression when I comment on my present life.

I believe parenting is a balancing act: we balance the needs of our kids, the needs of our spouse, and our own needs. It's impossible to be perfect. The best you can do is be flexible in your priorities and think.

 

[Fran]

I can appreciate that there are a varieties of ways to look at this little essay.

I will again say, that if you are sacrificing or fighting or suffering, you need to ask yourself who you are serving?

It doesn't matter if you are a June Cleaver wannabe, or the most laid back unCleaverish mom on the planet(these do not have the lock on good parents either) I just wanted to keep asking myself who am I serving?
Is it in my childs' best interest? or is it filling a need that my "mothering" needs?

Everyone will take this essay differently but if you come away asking your self these questions, you won't go wrong.

 

[BonnieJean]

Fran, I would like to just emphasize and repeat what everyone else has said. OMG...you sure you have hit the nail on the head for ALL of us who are here struggling day by day with our trials...our children. Funny how we all wonder if what we are doing with our kids is enough, is the right thing; what do other people think, or even if we should really give a darn. God bless you Fran for saying it just the way you did.

We all learn from YOU, that in itself should say more than enough.

BonnieJean

 

[SunnyFlorida]

I can remember a paster at service one Sunday while we were living in Hawaii in 1992 who said,
"you only have these children for a short time, raise them up right, give them the tools, trust the Lord" etc. It really got me thinking that I am not only a "mother" but a caretaker of these children for 18years. My/our duty was to teach them the skills they needed, not someone else, but what they needed to survive, thrive, be independent.

Their needs needed to be tailored to them.

It doesn't mean we won't feel disappointment, but it gave me a focus and a road to choose.

Thanks Fran for a wonderful essay. Agree that it should go to the archives. I don't always frequent the with-C due to time constraints.

 

[Star*]

I am the Mother that God Almighty picked out for my son. I am the person that HE thought was tough enough, and resillient enough over all other Mother's in the world. He chose me, to parent this child with his disorder.

Some days..I don't think I'm up to the job. Some days I wish I had the problems, which are seemingly meaningless to me, that other co workers gripe about. Not able to buy the Cadillac will have to get the Lexus. Johnny got a B+ on his test in school and came home crying. Susie didn't make the gymnastics squad but got a medal in swimming and cheering.

I listen. I listen Fran and I listen well, but I swear somewhere in there is the sound of a needle scratching across a record and jerking ME back into reality. Because while this person is so 'upset' that their kids aren't ultra-man or wonder woman? I know that a day without yelling in my home, or the fact that my son made change on his own or tied his shoes, or made it THROUGH a day of school? IS a reflection of just how damn terrific of a Mother I am and have tried to be.

You too! All of us. You said one time, that the biggest failure of all was to never have tried at all. I keep that taped to my monitor. I believe it. It applies to kids, being a Mom, being a woman, being a person, a human , a Christian. Everything.

Thanks. You're a good Mom.

 

[suziqthow]

When my difficult child was growing up I was very controlling and tried to be the "perfect mother" it frustrated me when it didn't work and because of that I became a bad mother. Of course Jess was my first child and as I had more kids I became less controlling and looked for things that worked and kept my dignity and my children's intact. I had many friends and family members tell me that I was too easy going with my kids then. So I saw it as a lose-lose situation. Now I do what I feel comfortable with to get my kids thru childhood and I don't explain to anyone, at the end of the day I know I have done my best, even though guilt sometimes bites me on the butt. We do what we can do and know how to do and then we try to get more info to help us, I feel that that constitutes a good parent, not the standards of others. I swore when I became a parent that I would not parent as I had been, I didn't want my kids to feel worthless and like they were to be seen and not heard, that they were not to have thoughts or opinions different from mine. I feel I have done a pretty good job of parenting different than that. Yes it has been a struggle with difficult child but when I realized that it wasn't my fault their was some definite peace there. We all try our best and the fact that we are all here on this wonderful site is a testimony to our good parenting, if we didn't care we wouldn't be here struggling together. Thanks Fran for enabling us to be the best parents we can be....Suzanne

 

[TYLERFAN]

Fran;

I hadn't read this post till now and all I can say is you are so right. How eloquently put! How right on target. Thank You for your very wise thoughts on this matter.

Blessings,
Melissa /importthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif

 

[Fran]

Thanks everyone for your thougts and opinions. I am going to move this to archives for a bit.