You tried. He chose to be tone-deaf. So... he has to listen to a different piper now. And maybe he'll learn that way.
I'm so very tired....
- Thread starter strugglingdad
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ColleenB
Active Member
I'm so sorry for your struggles with your son. 
We too have given our boys every opportunity and support growing up. They both did well in school, played every sport, did volunteer work... Etc...
But when oldest son started university and started doing drugs, it all went very wrong... We have lived through so many disappointments and shed so many tears. My heart hurts for you and your wife. My husband has said on more than one occasion he would not have had kids if he knew then what we know now.... How sad that makes me.
It's like all the years of joy when they were younger are wiped out...
I am glad that your marriage is more united. I could not have come out of this without my husband. We are taking a trip in a few weeks to rejuvenate and reconnect after a particularly difficult winter.
Please find ways to connect with your wife. It is the light in my dark, knowing he is there for me. As a mother I often feel I failed and I know he feels this too.
My oldest son recently moved out, and when I saw his apartment for the first time it smelled of pot. I was not surprised, but at least it's not my house anymore.
Hang in there and keep posting. I know it's helped me to check in here regularly.
We too have given our boys every opportunity and support growing up. They both did well in school, played every sport, did volunteer work... Etc...
But when oldest son started university and started doing drugs, it all went very wrong... We have lived through so many disappointments and shed so many tears. My heart hurts for you and your wife. My husband has said on more than one occasion he would not have had kids if he knew then what we know now.... How sad that makes me.
It's like all the years of joy when they were younger are wiped out...
I am glad that your marriage is more united. I could not have come out of this without my husband. We are taking a trip in a few weeks to rejuvenate and reconnect after a particularly difficult winter.
Please find ways to connect with your wife. It is the light in my dark, knowing he is there for me. As a mother I often feel I failed and I know he feels this too.
My oldest son recently moved out, and when I saw his apartment for the first time it smelled of pot. I was not surprised, but at least it's not my house anymore.
Hang in there and keep posting. I know it's helped me to check in here regularly.
And they say that using pot is suppose to make you mellow. Not so with my daughter either. She was always very agitated, especially if I confronted her about it.
Struggling dad I cried through the first three months of my alanon meetings. You are doing all the right things. This is tough stuff.
Struggling dad I cried through the first three months of my alanon meetings. You are doing all the right things. This is tough stuff.
strugglingdad
New Member
He is transferring to a different school that works with kids like him to complete his senior year. He has just enough room in his schedule to get all of the credits he needs to graduate, but if he fails ANYTHING, he won't graduate and I know him, he won't do summer school or get his GED, so he'll just be a HS drop-out with no prospects.
His new vice principal was excited to have him, knew about his situation, and insisted that he show up today to complete the community service he has thus far refused to complete. Last night rolls around, and all of a sudden he "has plans" for today and wants to put community service off until Tuesday. We reminded him that they are expecting him, and will likely notify his probation officer if he fails to show. He decided not to go anyway and his PO called me around noon to ask why he didn't show up. I told her that he decided he had something else to do. She started yelling at me and I had to tell her that we told him several times in the strongest possible words that he needed to go and get this done, but he's a 6'2" 300 lb person...we're not going to make him do anything he doesn't want to, and there will be no violence in my home, so putting my hands on him to try and make him do anything is not an option anyway. She told me to bring him to the school where she works immediately and he could do his community service there.
I passed along to him everything she said and told him to get dressed to go do his CS with her at the school and he just melted down. He just can't seem to get it through his thick skull that he's at the mercy of his own bad choices. So, I called her back and told her he was refusing to go to the school. All she can do at this point is document everything in his file and let the judge decide his fate.
One thing that really irked me is that she told me the judge is going to tell me that the courts are not here to parent my kid for me. I wanted to scream at her and say "I know that, but we can't parent him either, he listens to NOBODY". But yelling at this point serves no purpose.
He wants to just go to JDC because he thinks that after a brief stay there, he'll get out and have no more probation or accountability to anyone. Honestly, at this point I hope they send him.
I hate him.
His new vice principal was excited to have him, knew about his situation, and insisted that he show up today to complete the community service he has thus far refused to complete. Last night rolls around, and all of a sudden he "has plans" for today and wants to put community service off until Tuesday. We reminded him that they are expecting him, and will likely notify his probation officer if he fails to show. He decided not to go anyway and his PO called me around noon to ask why he didn't show up. I told her that he decided he had something else to do. She started yelling at me and I had to tell her that we told him several times in the strongest possible words that he needed to go and get this done, but he's a 6'2" 300 lb person...we're not going to make him do anything he doesn't want to, and there will be no violence in my home, so putting my hands on him to try and make him do anything is not an option anyway. She told me to bring him to the school where she works immediately and he could do his community service there.
I passed along to him everything she said and told him to get dressed to go do his CS with her at the school and he just melted down. He just can't seem to get it through his thick skull that he's at the mercy of his own bad choices. So, I called her back and told her he was refusing to go to the school. All she can do at this point is document everything in his file and let the judge decide his fate.
One thing that really irked me is that she told me the judge is going to tell me that the courts are not here to parent my kid for me. I wanted to scream at her and say "I know that, but we can't parent him either, he listens to NOBODY". But yelling at this point serves no purpose.
He wants to just go to JDC because he thinks that after a brief stay there, he'll get out and have no more probation or accountability to anyone. Honestly, at this point I hope they send him.
I hate him.
So sad. The frustration would drive me crazy. And then not having the authorities understand the situation makes it worse. One time, the school psychologist told me to write a request for records and have my then 8th grade student drop it off a the schools main office. Really? If she was capable of carrying a note to school, and handing it to the appropriate office, I wouldn't have been asking for help to get her to complete and hand in home work!
If all the "telling someone" what they need to do would fix things....none of us would be posting on this forum!!! I feel your pain. And maybe you don't hate him, but hate dealing with all of this..KSM
If all the "telling someone" what they need to do would fix things....none of us would be posting on this forum!!! I feel your pain. And maybe you don't hate him, but hate dealing with all of this..KSM
I often found people who haven't had a child or very close family member with these issues are clueless. Most times, just working with this population, isn't enough to totally "get it."
There is a chance that in time , lots of time, one day, your son will be a very different, and improved man.
I can think of situations where a young man was extraordinarily difficult and / or drug addicted and at some point things turned around.
If you aren't doing so already, get all the support you and your wife need to stay wise and strong
There is a chance that in time , lots of time, one day, your son will be a very different, and improved man.
I can think of situations where a young man was extraordinarily difficult and / or drug addicted and at some point things turned around.
If you aren't doing so already, get all the support you and your wife need to stay wise and strong
strugglingdad
New Member
My son went to his court date for the second possession charge and for violating multiple terms of his probation. He told his lawyer flat-out prior to court that he has no intention of complying with the terms of probation, so just request that they send him to JDC. The prosecutor and his PO both argued that they believed he would benefit from further "therapy". They called the county group therapist he went to several times to the stand to testify and he agreed.
Then they called his mother to the stand and they asked her if she thought he would be helped by continuing on probation. She answered completely honestly and said that she didn't believe he would be helped or willing to participate in any further probation activities, so they should just lock him up, as he requested.
The judge, while she saw people suggesting that they continue to try and "help" him, realized that if she sentenced him to more probation, he'd be back in the court room for further violations. So, she gave him what he wanted. He went to the JDC for 30 days on the 17th. We've visited him twice and while he clearly doesn't want to go back there, he's not having a hard time with being locked up at all....he seems to enjoy the structure and lack of any responsibility other than "follow the rules". He's an avid reader and has read something like 6 books in the last two weeks. He's gotten isolation twice for being disrespectful to the staff (little things that we'd barely notice, but they don't tolerate) and he likes it because he gets to go to his cell and read.
He looks good, sounds good, but is anxious to get out and enjoy what's left of his summer with his friends. That's an obvious concern for us, but it is what it is. We're going away for vacation for four days before school starts, so that's less time he'll have with bad influences.
The break from the drama has been nice, and while I'm glad he's coming home in a couple of weeks, I'm nervous at the same time. The peace around here has been rejuvenating and having to jump back into the fray with him is not something I'm looking forward to. I'm hoping he'll get/keep a job and take his senior year seriously enough to graduate from H.S. He wants a car and we've told him we'd split the cost of the purchase with him, conditional on good grades and signing a written contract in which he agrees to a list of things that other kids take as "the norm" (NO drugs, NO skipping school, etc.). He'll be responsible for gas, insurance and maintenance and if he doesn't pay his insurer (us), he loses the car until he pays his bill. Grown up stuff... He's a kid that cares about nothing but pot up to this point....maybe having the freedom (and responsibility) of having a car will encourage him to take life a little more seriously.
I'm a fool (a hopeful one) to think he's going to follow the rules, and the fight that will follow when I take his keys away will be epic...but I guess we have to try. Maybe he'll prove me wrong.
Then they called his mother to the stand and they asked her if she thought he would be helped by continuing on probation. She answered completely honestly and said that she didn't believe he would be helped or willing to participate in any further probation activities, so they should just lock him up, as he requested.
The judge, while she saw people suggesting that they continue to try and "help" him, realized that if she sentenced him to more probation, he'd be back in the court room for further violations. So, she gave him what he wanted. He went to the JDC for 30 days on the 17th. We've visited him twice and while he clearly doesn't want to go back there, he's not having a hard time with being locked up at all....he seems to enjoy the structure and lack of any responsibility other than "follow the rules". He's an avid reader and has read something like 6 books in the last two weeks. He's gotten isolation twice for being disrespectful to the staff (little things that we'd barely notice, but they don't tolerate) and he likes it because he gets to go to his cell and read.
He looks good, sounds good, but is anxious to get out and enjoy what's left of his summer with his friends. That's an obvious concern for us, but it is what it is. We're going away for vacation for four days before school starts, so that's less time he'll have with bad influences.
The break from the drama has been nice, and while I'm glad he's coming home in a couple of weeks, I'm nervous at the same time. The peace around here has been rejuvenating and having to jump back into the fray with him is not something I'm looking forward to. I'm hoping he'll get/keep a job and take his senior year seriously enough to graduate from H.S. He wants a car and we've told him we'd split the cost of the purchase with him, conditional on good grades and signing a written contract in which he agrees to a list of things that other kids take as "the norm" (NO drugs, NO skipping school, etc.). He'll be responsible for gas, insurance and maintenance and if he doesn't pay his insurer (us), he loses the car until he pays his bill. Grown up stuff... He's a kid that cares about nothing but pot up to this point....maybe having the freedom (and responsibility) of having a car will encourage him to take life a little more seriously.
I'm a fool (a hopeful one) to think he's going to follow the rules, and the fight that will follow when I take his keys away will be epic...but I guess we have to try. Maybe he'll prove me wrong.
GoingNorth
Crazy Cat Lady
Wait. WHAT????
Why on earth are you even involved in any way with a non-compliant, drug using individual who has been in trouble with the law, obtaining an automobile???
Why on earth are you even involved in any way with a non-compliant, drug using individual who has been in trouble with the law, obtaining an automobile???
I should add, that I been through the mistake of making contracts and making deals. Every single time, he made us very sorry we tried. He even ripped up the contract and threw it all over my car just to show how much it meant to him. This after it didn't go his way. Fast forward about a year and We are finally at a point with son where has a job and pays all his own expenses. Gas, car insurance(for old car that family member gave him) and the latest one is cell phone. We had to pull the plug on every single one and then it was on him to either make it happen or not. He is very proud of himself and he is smart enough to know that he legitimately is earning his way. And that helps with his self esteem. I also feel better knowing we are laying the groundwork for him to be on his own someday.
Yes, it is the same son.LOL. But i wouldn't say he has completely turned himself around. He Def still has ups and downs where he does completely reckless things. Yet, he has gotten a job and held it for the past few months. And is paying for the things he want. Of all the things we have tried with him, the job and the paying his way has been the most powerful. He still smokes weed. and he can still be really difficult.
I certainly don't have the magic answer, but I found that giving him things when he was being so irresponsible was bad news.
and he can still be really difficult. I certainly don't have the magic answer, but I found that giving him things when he was being so irresponsible was bad news.
mof
Momdidntsignupforthis
I may not have a view..but our son comes home, sober and I'm still not allowing him a car. We told him he can work, save, buy, and pay for the insurance.
If he feels he's ready for school, he can approach us for that. After paying for rehab, rent, lawyer....He has to step up. He's able.....
Why would you make I possible for him to drive a vehicle when he may be under the influence? How about being civil, going to school and showing some level of responsibly?
I pray all of you come to an understanding...He could work, even if he rode a bike there.
Praying for all of you...you loved him very much, he is very lucky.
If he feels he's ready for school, he can approach us for that. After paying for rehab, rent, lawyer....He has to step up. He's able.....
Why would you make I possible for him to drive a vehicle when he may be under the influence? How about being civil, going to school and showing some level of responsibly?
I pray all of you come to an understanding...He could work, even if he rode a bike there.
Praying for all of you...you loved him very much, he is very lucky.
strugglingdad
New Member
It does sound crazy...I should clarify.
The court took his license until Spring of '17. We will lay out quite plainly the "must do's" over the next 7 months in order for us to even consider allowing him to get behind the wheel of one of our cars, let alone helping him financially to buy a car. If he's willing to change, we're willing to reward it. If he's not, we won't. That's it. If things go back to the way they were, he can ride a bike or walk for the rest of his life, I don't really care. In 10 months he'll be 18 and a car will be the least of his worries.
ColleenB
Active Member
It's hard in the posts for us to really understand each persons situation anddecisions.....
I try not to judge others choices because I know my own haven't always made sense either. We do the best we can.
I sometimes wish my son would move far away so that I could pretend all was "ok" and at least not have it in my face all the time. It has helped a lot that he has moved out. And now that we have taken car priveledges away we haven't seen him at all. We have gotten a few texts, nothing dramatic.
It's so weird to be disconnected from him, but maybe this is good. For now.
I hope you continue to move forward.... Hang in there.
I try not to judge others choices because I know my own haven't always made sense either. We do the best we can.
I sometimes wish my son would move far away so that I could pretend all was "ok" and at least not have it in my face all the time. It has helped a lot that he has moved out. And now that we have taken car priveledges away we haven't seen him at all. We have gotten a few texts, nothing dramatic.
It's so weird to be disconnected from him, but maybe this is good. For now.
I hope you continue to move forward.... Hang in there.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
It reminds me of my good friend that told me we need to cut my son off financially completely and we never should have given him his car. Well we are not going to cut him off from food money or rent right now since he is an IOP program. What good would that do? He's sober right now. Will he stay that way; who knows.
Did the car cause a problem when we sent it to Florida. Yes. But we had nowhere to store it and when we sent it there he was doing well.
We are all learning as we go. There is no perfect here.
Did the car cause a problem when we sent it to Florida. Yes. But we had nowhere to store it and when we sent it there he was doing well.
We are all learning as we go. There is no perfect here.
GoingNorth
Crazy Cat Lady
RN, I'm not trying to be hateful. Substance-impaired driving is a hot-button issue for me. My husband was hit head on by a driver with a needle in his arm,f doing 60mph down an arterial street in Chicago,as husband was on his way home from work.
He suffered a couple of broken bones and a severe concussion and facial fractures, but was able to get out of his car and pull the driver out of his van and away from it. Good thing as the van caught fire shortly thereafter.
He and I have been hit (while standing still at lights or signs) several times by drunk or high drivers, and once by a driver who fell asleep at the wheel on the expressway and just drifted into us.
As a result of that, and having my first accident 3 days after I got my driver's licence when I was rear-ended by the classic housewife wiped out on Valium...well....I just don't believe that addicts should be given cars. I also believe that distracted driving and fatigued driving should be punished.
He suffered a couple of broken bones and a severe concussion and facial fractures, but was able to get out of his car and pull the driver out of his van and away from it. Good thing as the van caught fire shortly thereafter.
He and I have been hit (while standing still at lights or signs) several times by drunk or high drivers, and once by a driver who fell asleep at the wheel on the expressway and just drifted into us.
As a result of that, and having my first accident 3 days after I got my driver's licence when I was rear-ended by the classic housewife wiped out on Valium...well....I just don't believe that addicts should be given cars. I also believe that distracted driving and fatigued driving should be punished.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Good rule of thumb. Wait a year in the real world before you believe your child is sober. I agree with GN on the driving issue. It is too dangerous to everyone. Our kids could be killed or kill. Sadly, I saw the risk.
There are so many ways to get food for free that any money sent for food is extra money for the newly sober person to be tempted to use/buy drugs. Food is never a problem. The money is not all spent on food, if at all.
I would have sold the car. Once my kid wrecked our van, she never again drove our cars. Some misguided friends let her drive their vehicles and they saw her wreck them. She owed one women $14k from an accident where a woman was hurt in one of her accidents. Her Dad paid off that debt but that was after she'd been sober and working three years and had a loan out while going to school. She had been paying until then. She has had no accidents since sobriety. Sometimes she has a drink (she can drink responsibly and doesn't often) but does not drive even if she only has one beer. This is twelve years out now.
Your son can do this He can. But it is way too soon for him to stay sober if he is tempted. This is normal. It takes a lot of time before he can ( or any addict) can have money or be around drugs and say no. Many can never drink either . My daughter is one who can but she doesn't very often.
One step at a time. My daughter did not quit the first three times she tried either. She was like your son...she needed many stops and starts Addiction is not fast or easy. And we enabled at first too. I think we all do. But we didnt enable with money or cars. She did work so she had her own money...she likely did buy drugs while under our roof, but we were be living naively thay she had quit until one day I found a bong in our yard. She claimed it was planted there to get her in trouble.
It is not wise to believe an addict will not use again after being clean for a few months. It takes so much longer.
Good luck. You have come far.
There are so many ways to get food for free that any money sent for food is extra money for the newly sober person to be tempted to use/buy drugs. Food is never a problem. The money is not all spent on food, if at all.
I would have sold the car. Once my kid wrecked our van, she never again drove our cars. Some misguided friends let her drive their vehicles and they saw her wreck them. She owed one women $14k from an accident where a woman was hurt in one of her accidents. Her Dad paid off that debt but that was after she'd been sober and working three years and had a loan out while going to school. She had been paying until then. She has had no accidents since sobriety. Sometimes she has a drink (she can drink responsibly and doesn't often) but does not drive even if she only has one beer. This is twelve years out now.
Your son can do this He can. But it is way too soon for him to stay sober if he is tempted. This is normal. It takes a lot of time before he can ( or any addict) can have money or be around drugs and say no. Many can never drink either . My daughter is one who can but she doesn't very often.
One step at a time. My daughter did not quit the first three times she tried either. She was like your son...she needed many stops and starts Addiction is not fast or easy. And we enabled at first too. I think we all do. But we didnt enable with money or cars. She did work so she had her own money...she likely did buy drugs while under our roof, but we were be living naively thay she had quit until one day I found a bong in our yard. She claimed it was planted there to get her in trouble.
It is not wise to believe an addict will not use again after being clean for a few months. It takes so much longer.
Good luck. You have come far.
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RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
He is not driving it now and he is in IOP and they have way stricter rules than the one he was at before. His dad is going down there in a few weeks and he will access the situation. I know. I agree with all of you. We're learning as we go. The car still may be sold. No decision has been made yet. It depends on how he does.
