I'm so very tired....

[strugglingdad]

We went to visit him today, brought him lunch and spent about 2 hours talking with him. I'm a little concerned that he spends so much time just sitting around doing nothing. The kids go to AA/NA meetings with the adults in the facility and it seems the only thing he's getting out of them is that the kids bum cigarettes from the adults. He's spending almost no time meeting with counselors or therapists, and we only have 'family therapy' once a week. He's still convinced he doesn't need to be there and wants us to get him out. I don't really have a good answer as to why he can't come home except "at least here you're drug free", which is true, but shouldn't there be more to it than that?

 

[Childofmine]

Did you talk to the staff there about the daily schedule? If not, call them and find out the schedule. He is going to minimize and bad mouth all of it. My son went to a residential facility the first time that I paid for and I got the same talk when I would visit on Sundays. That was the first time he went. He wasn't ready and he came right out after 30 days to a halfway house and started stealing from the people there and got kicked out. I think the rehab was a very good one but you can lead a horse to water. You can't make him drink. Don't take his word for any of it and for goodness sake do not bring him home one minute earlier than you absolutely have to. Hang in there. Don't buy what he is selling.

 

[Nomad]

Amen to the above. Don't believe anything he says at this time.

Just like anything else you pay for, you should have a very good idea of what to expect in terms of his therapy. Group, individual, family etc. and what his treatment plan looks like. Since he is under 18 and you are paying, I think you have some rights here. Since this is therapy...privacy is important. But, you certainly should be able to know how often he is going to get therapy and the kinds of therapy he will receive, etc.

Why can't he come home? Well, his behaviors were inappropriate and causing destruction for himself and others. Everyone was unhappy. How was school working out? Legal problems? He was not able to succeed on his own. Efforts were made, but they didn't work. So, something else needed to be tried. You love him and want better for him. At least now, he is in a different environment, away from drugs and more and more therapy, which he needs, is forthcoming. He can pretend like all was fine, that he was just about to change for the better, but that would be a falsehood. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got.

 

[Nancy]

Have you spoken with his counselor? The treatment center my daughter was in was structured 24/7 with individual sessions with her therapist and a lot of homework. If the client did not participate in sessions they were called out on it both by their counselor and the group. Let us know how the family session goes.

by the way my daughter was very upset with us for bringing her to rehab and she made that quite clear. It takes a while before they surrender to the treatment. Some never do but he is not an adult yet and he has no choice but to be where you as his parent thinks he should be. I also remember clearly having those feelings of wanting her to reach 18 so she could leave. The problem is the problem doesn't go away then and the parent is still often left to deal with it.

Good luck, I hope things start to turn around.

 

[SuZir]

While you shouldn't believe everything he says about the treatment be sure not to believe everything the staff says either. Rehabs are big and profitable business and some places are in it more for the money than quality care. And they always have a ready built cop out if someone questions the treatment given: If it doesn't work, it is because the patient...

But if you pay for treatment you want to make sure your kid does receive treatment and not just warehousing, transportation to self-help groups and some inspirational videoes. I'm sure the amount you pay does not correlate to that level of care.

 

[Sam3]

I just joined to respond to your post.

We are in the exact same place. Day 25 or so in Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Our 16 yo son said every word, and I mean every word, of what your son is saying about your family and about treatment. A few more you may hear: the treatment center is just there to take your money, they always refer to some affiliated after-care program to get some more of your money, everyone here is way worse off than I am, I'm not an addict or alcoholic, my issues are different, everyone stays here longer than the minimum unless their parents insist, the rules are stupid, too restrictive, the program is boring, all the other residents are going to check themselves out on their 18th birthday, I can't sleep here ... To give credit where credit is due, he has said the food is good.

So, up until a week ago, according to my son, we are overpaying by many thousands of dollars for nice meals, for what is not really a substance problem but a parent problem.

He is starting to say some of the right things in family sessions now, but of course, the fear is that they are just faking it till they make it. One of the kids whose parent promised only the minimum stay looked like a glowing example of the program's success in multi-family sessions, until two days after discharge he started up again. I am going to a support group of parents who have alumni kids of the program. Some of the kids are doing well. Some are not. Regardless, all of the parents seem to be healthier by communicating better, maintaining boundaries and caring for themselves. Some parents suggest the kids' success depends on surrendering to the wisdom of the treatment professionals regarding changes needed at home, after-care programs, etc. At this point, that seems like the right answer, but it's difficult to wrap your head around the idea that Residential Treatment Center (RTC) may be just the beginning of sustained treatment attempts rather than the end of the problem. But then I remember Day2 Guy.

 

[susiestar]

You are an engineer and want to fix this, right? One thing that people don't hear is that the chances of your son getting and staying clean increase by 30% if you and your wife go to Alanon or Narcanon Family Program weekly- esp if you go more than 1x a week. I know that 30% better of a chance may not seem like much right at first. Maybe if you think of it like this: If school called and told you that your son is only making a 60 in a class, but if you an your wife went to a parent meeting for an hour one day a week then he would make a 90 and have a much better chance at getting into college, would you go to that meeting? Right now your son is flunking something vastly more important, his life and sobriety, and you have this chance that costs you zero cash and just your time, what are you doing by not going??
Few celebrities ever said anything that I remembered for years. One is the guy who played Archie Bunker. He said "Get between your kids and drugs any way you can." That, in my opinion, was profound.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Few celebrities ever said anything that I remembered for years. One is the guy who played Archie Bunker. He said "Get between your kids and drugs any way you can." That, in my opinion, was profound.

I have never heard that statement, but I totally agree.

 

[BusynMember]

Carroll O'Connor had a son who died of an overdose.

Very sad. Always so sad. Nobody escapes addiction, not even the rich and famous.

 

[Nancy]

He is starting to say some of the right things in family sessions now, but of course, the fear is that they are just faking it till they make it. One of the kids whose parent promised only the minimum stay looked like a glowing example of the program's success in multi-family sessions, until two days after discharge he started up again. I am going to a support group of parents who have alumni kids of the program. Some of the kids are doing well. Some are not. Regardless, all of the parents seem to be healthier by communicating better, maintaining boundaries and caring for themselves. Some parents suggest the kids' success depends on surrendering to the wisdom of the treatment professionals regarding changes needed at home, after-care programs, etc. At this point, that seems like the right answer, but it's difficult to wrap your head around the idea that Residential Treatment Center (Residential Treatment Center (RTC)) may be just the beginning of sustained treatment attempts rather than the end of the problem. But then I remember Day2 Guy.

Sam your comment is exactly the same as our experience when our daughter was in rehab. She stayed 60 days and we heard all the same comments from her. We saw many young people come and go and and could almost predict which ones were sincere and which would be back or worse which would die (and several did shortly after they left).

In the end we became friends with several other parents and also joined an alumni group which helped us enormously. Some of those parents' loved ones relapsed and some went on to sustained sobriety but we all became stronger.

I hope your son is one of those who finds that miracle of sobriety.

 

[toughlovin]

Sam, All the things your son is saying were the things my son said when he was in a TBS... and in various rehabs. Stick with it and yes the parent support from other parents can be really helpful.

 

[Sam3]

Thanks everyone. I am curious how the OPs son is doing. Mine is trying to figure out just what he needs to show to "get out." He's still counting days.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Strugglingdad,

I'm really to the point of figuring out how to survive him until he's 18 so he can leave, I can change the locks and move on with life. Am I being hasty

The thing is, the love does not stop. Nor does the sense of responsibility. Even though legally, we should feel free.

Check in so we know how you are doing....

We are thinking of you and hoping things are better with your son. And as importantly, with you and your wife.

Take care.

 

[strugglingdad]

I spent hours and hundreds of dollars while he was in treatment redoing his room from top to bottom. Repaired the drywall he broke, fresh paint, new furniture, new bed. Fresh start, so to speak.

He came home from Residential Treatment Center (RTC) on Thursday after 30 days. Caught him with cigarettes in his room on the weekend and found weed today. He left the house tonight and I have no idea where he is or who he's with. He told me flat out that he's going to continue using and since I can't legally kick him out, he's going to do it in my house. He has a job interview tomorrow, but I doubt he'll go since he doesn't think we'll let him have his paycheck, and of course if we did, he'd just buy drugs. If we don't let him work, he'll just spend his days doing drugs he gets by bumming from friends or stealing from us.

I'm sick of his crap and I can't fathom how I'm going to survive the next two years until he moves out and heads for a state where he can grow weed, which is what he told me his plan is. I really don't care anymore.

 

[Copabanana]

I am sorry.

This is my take. He cannot set the rules in your house. That is bad for him and worse for you.

If he has pot, I would call the police every time. Likewise, for stealing. First off I would lock up everything so that he cannot get access. Second, I would consider taking the door off his room, and blocking access to the basement or any other area that he can hide (making sure all emergency exits are clear.) Calling the police about illegal behavior is best for him and for you. If you do not there could be legal consequences for you.

If he has stated flat out he will not accept your authority, what about emancipated minor status? What about a foster placement? (Thinking about it this might be child abandonment, so, forget it.)

I just googled foster placement as an option for parents, and a list of websites came up on handling defiant children. Lots of other parents must be in the same position. I googled emancipation of a minor and read the summary on Nolo Press. For this status your son would need to request it and also have a means of support.

The more I think about it, this could be an idea. You know what your son's stated priority is: to go out of state where Pot is legal and he can grow it. Fine. If your son knew you would agree with his petition to emancipate, it might motivate him to get a job, with the idea of emancipating at 16 and moving out of state away from your authority. Why not help him out? Working with what he does want, what does motivate him, and trying to remove the barriers to his attaining it.

The NOLO website did suggest the use of a mediator to settle parent child disputes. I do not see how effective this would be, because what would be the consequence of his non-compliance with agreements?

He is basically saying to you F/U. Why not call it what it is: He is rejecting completely your role as his parent. Turn it around, and let him have what he wants, if there is a way to legally do so. Just not in your home. You could tell him you would support his emancipation.

I know this may sound radical. After all parents are supposed to rear their children, not cut them lose. The thing is this: he is removing that as an alternative. To fight him on it, in my experience makes it worse. There is war in your house, and you are the casualty.

If you are old enough, think about young Muhammad Ali in the ring. Dance Like a Butterfly, Sting like a bee. That would be your son.

I wish I could think of more appealing alternatives, but I think it would not be a good idea to accept his terms.

In the meantime are there before school and after school programs he can enroll him in, so that time at home is less? Weekend activities, likewise.

He asked for this, not you. I would not feel one bit of guilt. You are not obligated to give him frills, just necessities. (I remember when my son was doing something similar to me. I was still buying him Wild Caught Salmon at Costco. He is a health nut. This was not the best course to take.)

I might speak with a professional to make a plan. I would be firm in my own mind about the plan before I uttered one word to your son. I might communicate your terms in a neutral environment, not your own home.

I did not do as I am telling you. It was a mistake.

Keep posting. If you can find the time, the more you can post the easier this is to bear. I am sorry this is happening to you.

 

[toughlovin]

Oh I am so sorry this is where he is. That sense of helplessness as a parent is so hard. My suggestion is you go to the police and see if they have a youth officer and talk to them. Most states have options where you can get the court involved for a child in need of services....where the court will get involved if the kid does not abide certain rules. This attitude of I don't have to follow any rules will not serve your son well.

My son was very similar and found out the hard way after he was 18 and now has a felony on his record....

I know the feeling of not caring anymore...but don't give up. He doesn't think he needs you but he does.

 

[pasajes4]

I am aware that a lot of parents do not want to involve the law in their child's life. I was not one of those parents. I turned my child in for weed, theft, running away, and truancy. I was not going to be held hostage for my son's bad choices. He did wind up going to juvie and then juvenile prison. My thought was better now and hopefully he would learn from it. When they become adults, it is much harder for them to snap back.

 

[Nomad]

So sad. It would be great if he could go to one of those RTCs that are far far away and last until he is 18. They are expensive as heck.
If this is impossible, I would consider doing your best to shake out the emotion from your soul. We talk about boundaries here. Put a boundary internally. Draw a line internally that helps you stop being angry and hurt.Get to a Families Anonymous meeting. Those folks (the parents) help each other big time. Yes, take the door off his bedroom. Lock up all your stuff. No freakin way to live. But, adopt an attitude like a policeman giving a ticket. Just the facts mam. You broke the law, this is the result. I'm not exactly crying over it. This should be your attitude. Believe me, if he senses that you don't give a rats bottom and are holding the line, this might get his attention AND it is healthier for you. He breaks the law, you call the police. Does he have a cell phone that you pay for? He breaks the law, and you cancel that for a certain period of time....maybe two weeks to a month. Too bad, so sad. Guess what? I don't pay for a cell phone for criminals. Treat him with dignity, but be firm and assertiveness. Remember, a police officer giving a ticket. Try not to be emotional or irrational just the facts. It will suck to be him if he uses and is disrespectful...make sure of it. Down the road if he shows some signs of improvement, consider giving him a weekly allowance if he does a lost of chores and of course is respectful and doesn't use drugs. Might take awhile to get to this point. If he worsens,explore other housing alternatives. Re-read my first sentence about RTCs that last until he is 18. Also, parents at FA might know of local resources.

 

[UpandDown]

Struggling Dad- I am sorry to hear this. It is eerie how similar our stories are. My son spent 12 weeks in Wilderness Therapy and while he was gone, we re did his room as well. It felt so good to clean out the mess and give him a comfortable, happy place to come home to. My other children helped and we all were so excited for him to see what we did for him. MISTAKE. It seems as if we are back to where we started. I have to look really hard to remember the progress he made, because there is progress. As I am trying to fall asleep at night, I go back through the good things of the day. Even if they are so tiny . It keeps me from complete despair. Our son since being home has told us that he will continue to smoke and that we can not control that. He too is 16 and tells us that he is tolerating us until he turns 18 where he can move to a state where he can do whatever he pleases. Last week, he texted someone to buy weed and when I found out, I disabled his phone. He flipped out and grabbed my glasses and broke them. Then he grabbed my cell phone and threw it through a window smashing all into pieces. As a result, we called the police. Then we went in to the courts and requested a meeting with the juvenile intake officer. Next week, we have an appointment with the officer to see what they will do. I would never in a million years, imagine that I have to live with a minor child, running all over us, treating us in this way. It is a nightmare. I am pinning my hopes on the officer and what programs will open up when we finally meet. In the meantime, he has no phone. I check his room daily. He has zero access to cash. And every single medicine we have is locked up in a safe in my bedroom. I agree that our sons need us even though they are acting like they don't.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Copa is right - you may need to shelter him for now, but that doesn't require a door to the bedroom, any nice things, etc. Just the basics of food and clothing (doesn't have to be nice clothing, just covering) and I would absolutely call the police anytime you find drugs!!