I'm so very tired....

[strugglingdad]

There is no door on his room. I haven't replaced it since it got broken in one of his tantrums.

Regardless of what action I take, this is all probably going to cost me my marriage. My wife and I are not at all on the same page on this and can't seem to get there. She does not believe in involving the police and still believes somehow that he'll just magically get past this if we just keep loving him day by day. Needless to say, I disagree, so now she's angry at both of us.

So this is what hell is like...

 

[toughlovin]

Oh gosh I feel for all of going through this with kids under 18. I have been where you are, and reading your posts bring back memories. I wish I had the magic thing that worked with our son but I don't....however I am further along this journey as my son is now almost 24. We had him in many programs, he has been on court ordered treatment, he has spent time in jail. We have been through it all it seems.

What I will say at this point is I don't regret any of the interventions when he was younger because I think he learned some valuable lessons and in the process did have some periods where he wasn't using which helps with brain development. And he is still alive!

Now finally he is getting some help from his own motivation. He is living out of state and started drinking a lot and it became a problem for HIM! He seems more serious than ever before about recovery.

We have had some tough time in our relationship where I wondered if it would ever be better. He recently told me he had great parents but lousy genes ( he is adopted) ....anyway I think he has stopped blaming us for his problems.

I say all this just to say hang in there and love them all you can.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Do you have a counselor of your own? It's been a life-saver for many of us. Helps us put things in perspective, helps build a tool-box, all sorts of benefits.

Would your wife consider marriage counseling? It sounds to me like you really aren't trying to break up the marriage, but you've had all you can take from this kid, and something has to change, somehow. She needs to hear from someone other than you that you can't "love" someone out of an addiction. If that were a successful strategy, there would be very few addicts.

 

[strugglingdad]

I don't have a counselor. I don't have anybody to talk to (including my wife at this point because she's tired of talking about it and she just gets mad). I feel pretty alone in all of this. I'm so tired of trying to find the right things to say and do to make him understand that this doesn't have to be his path. After all the AA/NA meetings and group sessions in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), he still laughs at the very suggestion that he's an addict. He cannot hear the addiction in his own words when he says things that addicts say, and he mocks me when I point them out.

We already spend hundreds of dollars a month on a counselor for my son that clearly isn't helping. I can't afford any more counseling, so I guess my wife and I will just have to see what happens with us.

 

[InsaneCdn]

If the counselor isn't helping your son... then drop that, and pay for your own. You are doing this for your son, not just for yourself. It is important that he have parents who are on the same page.

 

[toughlovin]

I agree it is time for you to get help for yourself and your marriage. You need some support. One of the things that helped my husband and I get on the same page was going to an alanon meeting for parents together. I suggest you find some kind of parents group for parents of addicts....it can make a big difference and just take some of the load off.

 

[Copabanana]

She does not believe in involving the police and still believes somehow that he'll just magically get past this if we just keep loving him day by day.

This is my take. If you want to keep your marriage, put that above everything. If your wife will not act from your point of view, let her take control of and responsibility to do it her way. You can step aside, and not oppose either her or your son. Your wife will wear herself out.

I do not know if I would be ready to go to marital counseling, because that will be as if the marriage is the problem and not your son. It sounds like you are communicating but cannot come to agreement. Hey, I cannot come to agreement even within myself. That does not mean a marriage is in trouble. Unless it is. And that is a whole other mess of worms.

You can go to Al Anon. That is free. Your wife does not need to go. You go. You will get support and understanding apart from the family dynamic.

this is all probably going to cost me my marriage.

You are catastrophizing here. You can yield to your wife, always a good idea.

You are not defeated here. This is just a cocky kid. You are bigger than this. Rest and yield. Let your wife take over. Not everything is solved by understanding and fixing it. Sometimes, these situations need magic and time.

Keep posting. You keep dropping away and we worry about you. We are a source of support too.

I think maybe you are the sort of person who solves things, and feels it to be a personal failure if he cannot.

This is the kind of situation where that kind of thinking is a killer. Stop it. Do not be so hard on yourself. None of us have solved anything either and we are good and smart people too.

Our hearts and our hopes are with you. Remember that.

 

[Childofmine]

If you can, ask your wife to sit and read this site. Many of us are moms here, and we can relate to her, in how she feels about loving her son and hoping and praying that things change.

I echo what was said---you need to get support for yourself, regardless of what anybody else does. You clearly are reaching out for help. Go to AlAnon as fast as you can. It is completely free, it is very good quality "group therapy" and it is a lifesaver. All you have to do is keep coming back.

We're here for you as well. I hope and pray you don't lose your marriage too in all of this. It's so hard, but you can survive it. You really can.

 

[Sam3]

I am so sorry. My son is still in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but we have watched kids leave there with that same adamant attitude, who have not done well since, and I completely fear the same result.

I am not sure whether it is within your family's means, but have you considered placing him in a therapeutic boarding school (TBS)? It is a remedy of last resort for a lot of families, but maybe will give him the chance to grow up.

Which is the way I now see the issue my son has. Since my last post, I have read a couple of books my Johm McKinnon, who founded one of the first TBSs. In a nutshell, he has seen hundreds of troubled teens with a host of different behavioral, substance abuse and personality issues, and multiple diagnoses, but has identified a common thread among them -- they are stuck in "relative immaturity" in comparison to their peers.

It's worth a full read but this from his first book The Unchanged Mind... made me go "that's it."

Ticking off these element on my fingers I explain that at home, before parents made the decision to take action, each of our students: • Thought only of himself, his words and actions demonstrating little consideration for parents, siblings, teachers, or anyone else except his pals-and often not even his pals; • Seemed incapable of empathy except for the close friends she considered to be "just like me"-and certainly not for anyone she considered to be unlike herself; • Treated parents and girlfriends like puppets whom he had a right to expect to do his bidding-to pay for him, to wait on him without thanks, to exercise no independent judgment, to take seriously no motive apart from his wants, to enjoy no right to separate wishes or a distinctive point of view-so that if a parent or sibling or girlfriend said "no" or tried to go her own way or to express a different opinion, he felt he had the right to throw a tantrum, argue, threaten, badger, or punish-or else felt entitled to sneak around or defy any prohibition; • Considered it all about now, leaving the future a hazy, unimportant destination disconnected from the present, where (insofar as she bothered to imagine any goal) she expected to arrive by means of wishful thinking; and • Was willing to manipulate or sneak around or to cheat or steal or dissemble or mislead so as to get his way or to get something he wanted; and, although also open to all available rewards, he was inwardly restrained from defying a prohibition only by virtue of his calculation of the odds of getting caught and punished.

 

[InsaneCdn]

they are stuck in "relative immaturity" in comparison to their peers.

Did you ever consider HOW they got that way?

Mine didn't end up in Residential Treatment Center (RTC). But he did end up in this "relative immaturity".

One part of it is his diagnoses - the way he is wired.
The more major part is... his experiences at school, first at the hands of teachers, and then at the hands of peers. Nothing we did to try to counter these impacts worked, because THEY had him in their control for most of the day. And the damage started really early in grade school. I saw it happening with my own eyes - and the school admins, teachers, and special support staff told me I was crazy.

 

[Sam3]

continuing.

So, that book and the sequel identify a couple of broad needs that must be met for a teen to avoid being stuck -- having warm recognition and calm, firm boundaries. And another book called the Parallel Process helped us identify more specific parenting approaches that we could change to increase the chances these teens can succeed at home. Much easier read, than done, and of course there has to be some "buy in" from the kid to make progress. We have tried to encourage our son's buy in while he's been in rehab by "owning" our part out loud to him (without being too apologetic or cloying), and letting him know we are doing the work too (therapy). It has been equally important, though, to let him know the boundaries will not change; in fact, that we will be even more consistent with them (and quiet and calm). With the TBS prospect gently hanging out there, we are describing the home he is welcome back in as one in which he is sober and respectful, AND continuing in therapy so he can find and let go of the obstacles which prevent him from growing into a person who values loved ones and good citizenship.

If nothing else, I have found my resolve again, which I had lost in my broken heart, feelings of guilt, trying to avoid his resentment, etc. I am the adult. I am now looking for ways to present that resolve in a way that sounds like we believe in him, and that allows him to see an upside, or at least to save face. We'll see.

If TBS is not an option, wilderness is shorter term and cheaper, and could be a renewed opportunity to come up with a home behavioral contract, before he is allowed out of the dirt. Withholding of material benefits such as phone, gaming, car access, spending money, may also be options.

Hope some of this helps.

 

[strugglingdad]

I haven't checked in here in a long time, so.....

My son caught a second drug charge for pot possession earlier this year. The courts put him on a 6 month deferred sentence/probation with a bunch of "conditions"...community service, group counseling, a 7:30 PM curfew, regular drug testing.

Not two weeks after his court date, we heard him take off around midnight. I went looking for him and by the time I got home he was back. Asked where he went, he said "I went to get cigarettes" (which was a lie, he was going to a party with friends). I reminded him that a) leaving the house after curfew and b) tobacco are both violations of his curfew and that we (my wife and I) are obligated to the court to report violations.

He lost it. He shattered a TV remote, challenged me to a fight, and was screaming at the top of his lungs at now almost 1:00 AM. I disengaged, went to bed and closed and locked our bedroom door. He came up and started banging on our door wanting me to come out, which there was no way I was doing given his state. He went back downstairs and I heard him throwing things, so I called the police. They came and asked if they could pat him down and he got so verbally abusive with them that they almost had to taze him. Ultimately, they said, of course, that there's nothing they can do unless I file an emergency custody order with the Magistrate to get him removed from the home.

So I did.

The police came back to carry out the ECO at around 4 AM. He was sleeping on the couch and when they came in and woke him up he was completely calm and offered no resistance. When they searched him they found pot in his pocket and we found out later that he was drunk the whole time. Seeing my not-yet 17 year old son led from my house in handcuffs at my request was almost too much.

He went to a hospital for "evaluation" for 5 days and then was discharged.

He's not doing the necessary steps to complete the group therapy (like attend AA/NA meetings, etc) and we continue to find drug paraphernalia in the house, but less than before. He's also been bringing alcohol into the house. His report card was straight F's at the semester of his junior year. I don't see how he can graduate at this point and I don't think he really cares.

He goes back to court in a few weeks for the third possession charge. He's either going straight to JDC or he's getting an ankle bracelet.

13 months until he turns 18.


I went to my first Alanon meeting tonight. I could barely get through my intro without breaking down in tears. Some tough guy I am. If I'd have known this was what being a parent was going to be like, I would never have done it.

 

[christianmom]

I feel for you so much. Everyone on this board has been through so much. There are also those on here whose kids have come out victors. I commented on your post in Feb. of 2015. My son got clean the next month. He has been clean since March 2015. We are a Christian family. I will continue to pray for you all.

 

[Childofmine]

Struggling dad thank you for the update about your life. I am so sorry he is still off the rails.

What more could you have done? I think nothing. Between every line that you wrote are the many other things, unwritten, that you have tried and tried and tried.

It is always up to them and so sadly, a teenage boy and a young man in his 20s who is off the rails---just like my son was---is a powerful force that cannot be leashed. They are like spinning tornados.

During this period (my son is now 26---will be 27 in July) we were just sick with being unable to break through to him. Ultimately, just like you have done, we had to stand back and stand down, and let the tornado spin out and finish on its own. We had to get out of the way.

It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I have called the police on my son, too, and the anguish is real.

I am so glad you went to alanon. What a gift that program turned out to be for me. And at first I resisted much of what I heard. I pray that you keep going back. What the program can do for you is to give you a way forward when there seems to be no way forward for you at all. And ultimately you will find peace, serenity and even joy there, regardless of what he decides to do.

We are here for you during all of this. I believe there is always hope and our task is to learn how to let go of people we love so much and want so much for. Their lives are in their hands and it is up to them to start making different choices.

 

[PonyGirl65]

SD, it was really hard for me to read your updated post. I feel for you. I had so much the same experience as you & your wife EXCEPT my son was NEVER violent. He never raised a hand to me, he was never disrespectful.

But, he started using at 12 or 13, went to treatment when he was 14-15, and sadly, sadly, continued on the downward spiral. (See my signature)

I never went to Alanon; I am a recovering addict myself and am active in NA. I think alanon could have been helpful to me back in my sons teenage years. I hope you keep attending. Encourage your wife to join you.

I will keep a good thought for you all.

Peace

 

[kt4394]

Hi Struggling Dad. Welcome.
Your story is very close to mine. I have a 15 year old son who loves and lives for pot. He is a different person when he's smoking or when he's laying off. I can always tell by the attitude. He is angry and mean when he's smoking or has been. I think has quit a few times and he is being back to my son. He's nice, polite, fun to be around. As it stands, we filed a CRA (child requiring assistance) on him last month and he now has a probation officer and we go back in front of the judge at the end of the month. I thought this would scare him. It may have a little, but he's over it. He's back to hanging with him same druggie friends and back to smoking pot. It's all he cares about. We thought that filing was the right thing to do, the only way to stop him from ruining his life even further. I hope it helps eventually. We just told him that he has his first drug screening on Friday and he freaked out and took off. He knew it was coming, but reality sucks. He is going to fail the test and we all know it. That's on him. It was his decision. We have been bending over backwards to support and encourage him. It's just so hard. When they're that age, you want to protect them, you want to shield them from everything that could hurt them. He's still our responsibility. I couldn't kick him out even if I wanted to. All we can do is cut off the money, try to discipline, and pray for the best. And love him. That's one of the hardest parts. Remember, you don't have to like him. Do not feel responsible for his choices. Our kids may be our babies, but they're old enough to make their own decisions and make their own future. I wish I had some words of encouragement. I just don't. But, you have my empathy and hopes and wishes sent your way.
Also, I recommend Al Anon. It's nice to meet/listen to people in the same boat. If you go online, they code the meetings. Try to find a Parent Meeting. It's really think it's worth a try.

 

[AppleCori]

Hi Struggling Dad,

How is your wife doing?

Have you gotten 'on the same page' in regards to your son?

Apple

 

[AppleCori]

I feel for you so much. Everyone on this board has been through so much. There are also those on here whose kids have come out victors. I commented on your post in Feb. of 2015. My son got clean the next month. He has been clean since March 2015. We are a Christian family. I will continue to pray for you all.

Hi CM,

Congrats on your son's recovery!

Apple

 

[strugglingdad]

Hi Struggling Dad,

How is your wife doing?

Have you gotten 'on the same page' in regards to your son?

Apple

We're getting there slowly. I feel that she and I are in a better place as time goes on...she is the one to remind me at times that he has a PROBLEM with drugs, it's not just a choice of his despite his insistence to the contrary. She's suffered enough disrespect from him that she's started to "cut the cord" more and that's been good for us and for her relationship with him. She's a self-admitted control-freak / helicopter mom, but control is not something you can exert over him in any aspect of his life and the more you try, the worse things get. That's been a hard pill for her to swallow, but being verbally abused by him has certainly made it easier, and it's made being at home easier for all of us....less friction, less yelling, less denial on her part. I'm not sure if that's ironic or just sad.

I won't deny wanting to beat the crap out of him for talking to my wife like he does at times (forget the fact that she's his mother...NOBODY talks to my wife like that and walks away from it), but violence solves nothing and I've had to remind him as much as myself that there will be no violence in my home. Period. He knows that 18 is coming and that how his mother and I support him in the transition to "legal adult-hood" depends entirely on him. But like with most addicts I suspect, tomorrow isn't a concern until it lands on him, so right now he has no problem burning bridges instead of building them.

Alanon was great. I listened to people who have been through probably 10x the hell we have talk about it with dry eyes and I was amazed. I cried all the way through my sharing. Right now, in the midst of all this, it's all so personal to me. My son and I were best buddies and we did everything together. Now I can barely stand to be in the same room with him. So I guess part of this journey is learning that he is no longer my little "mini-me" (as we used to call him), but a person with a problem that is not my problem and that I cannot fix. I need to give him the space to do that on his own.

He actually went to an AA meeting last night (a men's program called Stepping Stones). We were excited about that until he came home, went upstairs and got high. I could barely get to sleep it smelled so bad in the upstairs of our house. Sigh.......

 

[strugglingdad]

For a few weeks, he was doing so good. Staying in school, going to his group sessions, pleasant at home. His 17th B-day is in a few days, so last Friday we took him to a stage performance by a comedian/magician that he really likes, and the next day took him and some other kids (that we know and trust) to a big arcade to play games and get dinner. Was starting to think we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. And then the next day he missed his curfew by two hours and the next day after that decided to skip school altogether and hang out "at a friends house". Then today he said "my stomach hurts, I'm not going to school", to which I told him that we would not excuse him, so it would be just another day of violating his probation.

Since we're required by the court to notify his probation officer of any violations, I did that. She called him and I in to the school today and laid into him. He told her that he failed a drug test at group last week, which he was supposed to notify her of and that pretty much sealed his fate (we didn't know about the failed drug test because we're not with him at group and he didn't tell us).

She is going to her supervisor to have him removed from our home either into JDC or a shelter. And he still blames all of this on me because I 'ratted him out" to her. He hasn't learned a damn thing and has accepted no responsibility for his current situation. I wish I could get through to him.