Instructed to repost this here, thanks.

[stepparentincrisis]

wife went to DCF today and met with what sounds like a receptionsist. She sat with her and my wife had notes written out about our issues, what I described before about what we need done and asked for help. It seems it is not immediate or urgent in their eyes even with my wife mentioning the concenn for our daughter's safety. That puzzles me but it is what it is. They recommended she call at hotline and explain everything to them but when she called me I had her go back and ask for a supervisor. Someone else did speak with her and told her it sounded like she was doing what we can for now and that while she cannot guarantee it, odds are no one from DCF would arrest her for abandonment since he is in an efficiency with food. They did give her the number to a "resource officer" that my wife will be calling now and I guess we need to see the result of this next. She went and paid another $200 for another week at the efficiency today as his checkout was scheduled for noon, she told both people that and no one had a problem with it. But we can't pay $1,000 a month for this kid to live on his own while he continues to get high, not attend school and not work, it just makes no sense. We just bought time I guess. We heard back from the drug hotline, we can get him to go voluntarily to a 3 day rehab program (he won't) or we can do the Marchman Act thing but that is for 4 days then outpatient. Ugh. My wife told me that when she last spoke with difficult child, he said he would "run away" if he had to go back to a group home or a program. I don't know if I have an issue with that, he did it before and he brags about the trip. Would we just report him as a runaway, then if they find him, wait until they call us and we bring him home? I asked my wife to specifically ask the resource officer "what do I need to do to declare him incorrigible?". I could not go with her today and I wish I could have, I just worry she will not be as forceful as I would with the authorities. I do have the number and contact information for the resource officer so I will see what information my wife can get and then follow up on my own. I just can't stop worrying about all of this..

 

[Signorina]

I hesitate to write this because I am afraid of being flamed; so please take it with a grain of salt and please know - without a doubt - that I mean this gently and without judgment.

I think you are making a mistake by basically telling your wife she needs to choose between you (and your daughter) and her son. That's a line in the sand. You want her to detach for all the right reasons, but being forced to make a choice between her child and her husband is NOT detaching for all the right reasons.

Again, I mean this gently and if I were sitting across from you - I would be holding both of your hands and speaking softly and looking straight at you with kindness. You want your sweet daughter out of there because you love her and you would move heaven and earth for her and because getting her away from the turmoil of her older brother is important; even if your marriage has to sacrifice for it. I am guessing that your wife feels the same way about her daughter AND her son. You want her to choose to detach because it's what's best for HIM and for HER and for your family. You can't force her to see that. I understand that you are not coercing her with an ultimatum - I know that you are merely trying to get her on the same page as you as quickly as possible. I get it. I do. I've been there in those crisis days and those moments when you think it can't possibly get any crazier and THEN IT DOES and all you want is a break to catch your breath and a few hours of sanity so that you can think clearly and get out of *Red-Alert-React-Mode* You don't want your wife to feel coerced to "see it your way", you guys need to be on the same page even if you arrive their separately. She needs to see it and arrive there on her own time.

And - heaven help me for daring to write this - we moms CAN have a much harder time turning off (or down) our parenting. My ds is 21 and so is my high achieving nephew who is the son of my brother. My brother has pretty much flipped off the parent switch and is constantly criticizing his sainted wife and me for still being concerned about our sons' well being. Nearly all of my friends have sons the same age as my own. Most of the moms I know still fret to some degree (about sons who are PCs) and most of the dads have seamlessly and nearly instantly accepted that their sons are men. I have to think it's biological; a "survival of the species" thing-traditionally it's been moms who literally keep their children alive from conception through age 5 and beyond; and I am sure that it lingers on in some form even when the kids are fully functioning adults.

I don't disagree that you and your daughter should leave for a safer place. Just make sure your wife knows you are not leaving HER; you are just giving your 8 year old a break from the turmoil. If you do leave, suggest that your wife turn off her phone (or leave it in the car) when she is with you and daughter. Be patient with your wife, everyone comes to detachment (or not) in their own way. (My own signature confesses that I tried "attached detachment" and even the notion is absurd.) I'm a bit concerned about her reading things here on your advice and then feeling like we are ganging up with you - but let's face it - I think every one of us has been pretty open that we STRUGGLED with detaching and that it took YEARS. I am still not there but I am not obsessing about difficult child as I once did. Wishing we had detached sooner is fine in hindsight, but detaching is a process and it's very very difficult when you are in crisis mode. I suggest some counseling with a therapist who is familiar with SA issues - not because your marriage needs it; but because you both need practical advice for dealing with your difficult child. It was the best thing H and I did and we only went a few times but it really clarified things. My other suggestion is to remember to turn TO each other and not ON each other. I say that aloud to myself when the going gets rough.

 

[stepparentincrisis]

Signorina, thanks for the reply. I take absolute no offense to anything you wrote, I agree with pretty much everything you said. Earlier in this, I mentioned to my wife when I came across this board, this is what I feel we need to do but if you cannot, this is what I need to do. I still believe that. The whirlwind pace of all this happening, him getting kicked out of the last place, running away, being dropped on our doorstep in the middle of the night, it just happened so quick and most of my wife's time is occupied working (like me) and dealing with him. I know that I cannot force her to see this my way. I think in theory she does want to detach, I just think it will take her longer to put in into practice than it will with me. I know she is doing everything we agree that needed to be done, it's just the results are going to take awhile. Ugh, it really is so hard to put into words... The simple way to put it is like this: I can detach right now by moving out of the house. My wife cannot. If she is unable to reach the decision I did, I am ok with it but I am not going to let this blessed little difficult child dictate how I feel anymore. And when I am home, knowing we can get a knock on the door, a call from the police, anytime we hear a siren in our neighborhood, we instantly clench up and worry, I am so tired of it all I feel like an old man and I am not.

 

[witzend]

"Immediate or Urgent" for anything public is "immediate harm". If he is not brandishing a weapon right now it is immediate or urgent.

A Marchman may be for only four days - don't do it on a Friday - but you come out of it with credible witnesses and recommendations.

I understand why your wife put more money on rent, but the $200 would be better spent on an attorney. Since your son has another week paid for, it's time to spend next week's rent on a consultation.

My wife told me that when she last spoke with difficult child, he said he would "run away" if he had to go back to a group home or a program. I don't know if I have an issue with that, he did it before and he brags about the trip. Would we just report him as a runaway, then if they find him, wait until they call us and we bring him home?

First, I'd have a hard time not laughing in his face at that threat. I'd hand him a pillow case and start packing his clothes for him. in fact, if you haven't packed up his stuff yet, do it now while he's gone and put it in a one month storage. Don't pay the second month.

AGAIN, let him run away, pre-register him (or just call and alert them) somewhere that will take him on the March Act, and if the police call you tell them that's where they should drop him off because that is where they are expecting him.

Seriously. See an attorney.

 

[stepparentincrisis]

"Immediate or Urgent" for anything public is "immediate harm". If he is not brandishing a weapon right now it is immediate or urgent.

A Marchman may be for only four days - don't do it on a Friday - but you come out of it with credible witnesses and recommendations.

I understand why your wife put more money on rent, but the $200 would be better spent on an attorney. Since your son has another week paid for, it's time to spend next week's rent on a consultation.



First, I'd have a hard time not laughing in his face at that threat. I'd hand him a pillow case and start packing his clothes for him. in fact, if you haven't packed up his stuff yet, do it now while he's gone and put it in a one month storage. Don't pay the second month.

AGAIN, let him run away, pre-register him (or just call and alert them) somewhere that will take him on the March Act, and if the police call you tell them that's where they should drop him off because that is where they are expecting him.

Seriously. See an attorney.

What type of attorney would you recommend? He is 17. Should it be family law, juvenile law, custody? We are hoping to have him declared incorrigible.