Instructed to repost this here, thanks.

[stepparentincrisis]

I am overwhelmed and admittedly feel a bit naive in thinking my situation was so unique. Every reply I received was thoughtful and genuine. I somehow made it through work (not my most productive day) and came home and shared every post with my wife. We sat up, cried and hugged each other and that is something that not feeling alone made us do. We felt like we were on an island and everyone we bring this up with sort of says "well good luck with all that". Again, my family has pretty much had it with him. My wife and I continued to talk and I shared with her the detachment list or link I was sent earlier by recoverinenabler. She, like me, read this a few times and I could see her develop hope. We talked about how everything else we have done is failed, so let him make his own bed and lie in it rather than be reactive to what he does. My wife was emotionally drained after today, but I came up with a way we can start this detachment theory and apply it to him. Quick update, she brought him to a motel about a half mile away and got him 3 days there. I am hoping in the next few days, or week, we can get him admitted to a substance abuse program or get his older therapists and case workers involved again. Oh, and I am in Florida, someone asked before.

So what I am envisioning, with or without rehab, we do what we legally need to do. Provide him with shelter, be it from a substance abuse or residential program, at an efficiency or roommate situation, or something else anyone can think of. My wife will go down once or twice a week and provide him with groceries, and after reading the posts above I am leaning towards Ramen noodles, pasta and sauce, bread, peanut butter, cereal and some apples or something. That's food. If he chooses to renroll in school through a GED program, he needs to get himself to class. My wife told him tonight she would drive him and we still need to figure that one out as I don't think we should. Also, he lost his cell phone when he ran away and I told him that's not our fault and he better go buy one if he wants one but my wife told him she had agreed to pay for his minutes until he was 18. Again, we can discuss this and I don't even mind changing it, but that's where she left it with him.

Here is what I propose to my wife we say with him when we have a come to Jesus meeting with him later this week:

You are choosing the outcome of your life now, we are not. We accept what you choose to do with your life. You are solely responsible for your discretionary income and transportation. You will be provided with shelter and food to aid in your survival until you are 18. It's not our responsibility to change you, you decide who you want to become. We will not rescue or save you from situations you may get yourself into. We are entitled to happiness and will not be hurt or taken advantage of by your reactions or words. We suggest you get into a drug rehab facility or get in touch with a case worker that we have for you. And finally, our house is a law abiding house. If you come to the house high or drunk, or without or permission, we will call the police.

Is this too much, too soon? I told my wife it will be hard but look at all the we have gone through the last 6 years. Thank you again for the responses.

 

[BusynMember]

I think the younger you can stop them from their illegal behavior, the better the chances it will be for good. My daughter started drug use at TWELVE. I didn't think kids that young took drugs. She stopped at 19, right after she was shown the door. I feel it is smarter to get them early rather than see if it goes into their 20's. The older they get, the harder it gets and if it lags into thirty...or even twenty-six....not good.

I believe in tough love and if I were you, I'd rather do this now than when he is twenty-eight, jobless, a few stints in jail and still using drugs. I'm a big believer in early intervention. So, if you have the stomach for it, I think he should learn young that this is unacceptable to you and you won't help him ruin his life; that if he must ruin it, it will not be under your roof or with your funding. It seems the longer you enable these drug users or criminals (or both), the longer it takes for them to get their lives together. Make no mistake about it. Some never do. I am grateful my daughter stopped at a young age, even though it was so hard to be that tough on her at the time.

Wishing you a peaceful night.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I am so glad to hear that you and your wife have begun the process of detachment, good for the both of you. It is a tough road, but you have each other and you have us. I completely agree with MWM, she nailed it. The earlier you get those boundaries up, the earlier you make it clear that he cannot act or behave in the old fashion, the sooner you will have your own lives back and just as important, the sooner he will (possibly) wake up and look around and realize it is entirely up to him...........or not. Sounds as if you have a plan. Make sure you limit any liability you still have because he is underage. Make sure you know all the laws in Florida. As someone else mentioned, if you have a lawyer friend or perhaps an hour consultation to really understand all the legal ramifications.

I think your words for your son are perfect. You may want to read the posts of Child of Mine, Echolette, and a few others who recently have been detaching from their younger sons and how they are handling it. Reading others posts will help you in many ways.........Child of Mine put up a note on her front door for her difficult child who just got out of jail and came over to her home at 3 AM. What she put on her door is, like your words, perfect.

By the way, we call our troubled kids difficult child, "gifts from God."

You know what? You and your wife have done enough. It's time now to start to let go. No one said we have to ruin our lives because our kids go off the rails and refuse any help. Don't let guilt get in your way either. You know all that you've done and we parents suffer greatly with guilt, don't do it, it's a waste of time and will cause you endless suffering. You are on the right track and inside of both of you, in that deepest part where we tell ourselves the truth, you both know you are doing the right thing. We parents second guess ourselves right in to no action, don't do that. Stay the course. The only way we get out of this is by detaching.

Follow the guidelines set forth in the detachment article, get support to stay the course and if you are into praying, pray. If you are inclined and it feels right, place your son in your perception of a higher powers hands and consider the serenity prayer which covers a lot of ground for us parents. Here it is "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." That prayer has gotten a lot of us through the night. If that doesn't feel right, leave it. Just trying to offer you whatever I can.

Create a united front so he cannot maneuver himself between you and place a wedge there. Our kids know how to do that. Some of us write a contract and insist our kids sign it. They are usually very good at spotting "loop holes" and will find things you didn't say and do it reasoning that you never said he couldn't "sleep in the garage." Remember, they don't think like us, they don't play by our rules so you have to stay alert and don't allow his old behavior to impact you. You must respond differently. NO is a complete sentence.

Read the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud and maybe Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. As MWM suggested, google Radical Acceptance. Get all the tools in your tool belt, you will likely need them. Keep posting, one of us is usually around at various times of the day. I am sending you and your wife warm wishes for your strength and resolve to continue and caring thoughts for you to find peace..............hang tough.

 

[Echolette]

Stepparent,

You've gotten a lot of input...I am sure it is overwhelming. ChildofMine likes to say "do nothing". You don't need to hurry right now. You do need to think things out. I like your plan a lot. I too thought of getting my son a room in a rooming house, or a cheap hotel room when he was 17 (after the military boarding school, wilderness treatment center, therapeutic boarding school, rehab, and half way house all failed...interspersed with periods at home of course). He, like your son, is primarily a personality or mental illness issue rather than a drug issue...I think...but then what do we know? LIke your son, his issues started pretty young.

I didn't go the "get him a room" route because I was afraid he would let all his friends in and trash it and I would be responsible. I do think you need to talk to a counselour or lawyer before you do anything...I love cops (and they have helped me a lot with difficult child, and been very kind to me too) but they don't always know the law on stuff like this, especially age subtleties.

Your difficult child also sounds potentially dangerous, so I would not tip your hand until you are ready to make a move, including being ready to change locks, since you know he has a key (we ultimately got a code lock, so we could change it whenever we want using the master code...that has saved us locksmith money over the years).

I personally agree with not getting him a new cell phone. You could consider getting him a burner (the cheap ones at Walmart). Promises made to a liar and a thief who doesn't honor commitments don't need to be kept. It is fine to say "in view of how our relationship stands we will not be paying for minutes any more" or "we will pay for x number of minutes/month, but only if you call us every day at 9 am" or whatever rules you want. Normally I don't advocate making rules and trying to control the difficult child (or anyone else) but 17 may be different.

Please talk to a professional about your rights and obligations.

The reading list recovering gave you is a good one. I read "codependant no more" and was shocked...I didn't even realize a lot of my enabling behavior was inappropriate...in fact I was so sunk in that in a lot of the vignettes I coudln't see what the problem was!! In terms of radical acceptance, after you google it try Tara Brach's book "radical acceptance" which includes exercises. I haven't read boundaries, but I ordered it last night after reading your posts.

My own son just turned 20. He has been out of our house since he was 17 1/2, and I have had no contact with him since Dec 31 when he got out of jail for petty crimes. They say that our kids need to hit rock bottom before they turn around...my sense is that it was I who had to hit rock bottom before I could detach from the boy I loved so much. I saw that happen to ChildofMIne too, and Seekingstrength just in these last few weeks...I gather it happened Recovering and Cedar and Witz and the other people who responded to you. It is we, the parents, who hit rock bottom. It sound like you are there as well. The thing about rock bottom? There is only up to go from here. It takes some climbing, but it does get better if you can break your old patterns of reactiveness, misdirected support and hope that he will get better by patience, intervention, and role modelling.

Good luck to you, and to your wife, and to your difficult child.

We are here all the time.

Echo

 

[pasajes4]

I have to agree that 17 is a horrible age for us to deal with. The kids seem to know this and ramp up their behavior. I have a son who could be your ss's twin. I am getting a break from mine. He is in juvie right now.

 

[BusynMember]

The brains develop until twenty-five. I think it's best to tackle the problem with tough love way before twenty-five and much harder for an adult child to change after his brain has stopped developing. In my opinion, drug using and criminal young adults do not need extra understanding to change...they need hardcore proof that their behavior is not acceptable and that to live in comfort they have to change. The earlier the better. The youngest you can do this is eighteen, when you can legally lower the hammer on the behavior, set boundaries, and stand your ground. I wish I had done that with 36, but I felt sorry for him. Sound familiar? If he was going to see that his behavior was not appropriate, I think he would have done better if my ex had not bought a two bedroom condo just to house him so he was not on the street. He continued abusing my ex, even shoving him and intimidating him. My ex has an illness that makes him weak, and he did not need that. And 36 never mirrored acceptable behavior, and still can not help himself from getting downright heinous when he is under stress. Maybe he would have learned to act more normally toward us, or would have gotten help for it, if both ex and I had insisted on respect earlier and had a zero tolerance for either physical or verbal aggression. Actually, we put up with a lot of it because, again, we felt sorry for him.. I will never know if feeling less sorry for him and forcing him more to grow up would have helped, but it wouldn't have hurt. He stole from us, ordered porn movies against our wishes, swore, got in our faces, and did whatever he wanted to do, destroying his rooms. He flooded the internet with porn and had pictures of naked women that he had taken with his own camera thrown around his room. My youngest son almost came across them and I was able to divert him just in time. The pictures were....interesting. If he had such a hobby, he should have known better than to carelessly throw them around the house, but he never thought about anyone else...

My daughter who used drugs was dealt with at eighteen. As soon as she saw we meant business, she quit. I'm not saying this will work for all difficult children. Some need more time, but I do think it is better to start early than to wait until they are, say, twenty five and their bad habits have been going on longer and we are used to paying their way, even though they treat us like horse manure and break the law. The longer it becomes a pattern, the harder it is to change ourselves and our habits and the meaner they are when we finally set boundaries.

So that is my thinking on doing it young. Early intervention to me gives our going-wrong children a better chance. I mean, I could be wrong, but that's how I think. 36 has been enabled for so long that his nastiness is a way of life.

Have a peaceful day to all!!!

 

[Childofmine]

Their only concern is their own, immediate self gratification.

Your particularly difficult problem is your son's age.

You need professional advice.. a lawyer to know what your rights and duties are, a therapist or gropu therapy to find others who are dealing with similar situations.

Step, I read your post yesterday but wanted to give a more thoughtful response so waited until today. First, we hear you. I can't imagine how you are living and working and moving forward right now---with all of this weighing you down.

You must love your wife and daughter very much.

I get your wife and why she keeps on and on and on. He is her child. I so get that.

She will start to stop when she is so sick and tired---SOOOOOOOOO sick and tired----just weary to the bone with it all, finally realizing that nothing has helped. That he is completely lost. That is a hard, hard realization but that is an important step.

And even once you realize that, you still aren't done. DONE. You get to done later.

It's so painful to realize all of this and really, really take it in. It is the worst pain I have ever felt. It has literally brought me to my knees and into a little curled up ball.

For so long we operate our of stark, raving fear. We are absolutely terrified for our precious children. Even as they are doing awful things. Because as you know, you love your children so very much.

We are afraid they will die. We are afraid that they will be hurt by someone as they live such a dangerous life. We are afraid they will hurt someone else and they will go to jail forever and someone will lock them up and throw away the key.

We are deeply angry and resentful, but we often mask that with fear. We don't even know we feel those things because our fear takes over everything.

See, we still care about them more than we do ourselves. Even as they are acting horribly.

We drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out why. We drive ourselves crazy telling ourselves they can't help what they are doing because they are sick, immature, need more time, lazy, so many things we tell ourselves. We let them completely off the hook for years with this insane behavior because of it.

And finally, one day, we start stopping. Everybody's stopping is different. And our stoppings aren't once and for all.

We start stopping. We still "go" but we start stopping more and more and more.

And it starts making US feel better so we want more of it. We look up, and we realize there is a whole big world out there.

We realize nothing, nothing, nothing---not one single thing---we have done has helped. We have done it all many times, and still, nothing has changed. In most cases, things have only gotten worse. We can't think of another thing to do or try except to put them in a cage or have them committed. And most of the time, the laws and courts won't allow that.

We are so sad. We cry and wail and sit and stare and hide and grieve to our very marrow. And as we do all of that, we are slowly stopping.

My beloved sister died when she was 23 and I grieved for months. It was awful but that was NOTHING like this. I thought that was real pain. But that was NOTHING like this.

This never ends. It goes on and on and on.

But if we work hard and want to change, we can not only start stopping, we can start living again. We can find joy and peace and serenity and contentment even as our precious children continue to self-destruct. As we taste just a bite of that, we want more of it. It feels so good. It has been so long since we felt at peace and that life was good.

We start to work harder.

Echo said they only want self-gratification. My son wants what he wants when he wants it. And that's all.

It's like I'm a tiny little David and he/his disease is an enormous Goliath. I call addiction (a mental illness) a 40-foot-tall monster that destroys everything in its path. I'm sorry to my core that it is inside my son but I can't blast it out of him. He can't either. He has to learn to live with it and it is a daily battle he will have to fight---if he ever chooses to fight---for the rest of his life.

I am no match for this disease and neither is your wife. Your stepson has even more profound problems, it sounds like, than my son does. She is no match for any of it. She will fail every time.

You and your wife need practical advice, I agree with Echo above. Your wife has to be ready, and that is so hard.

I hope she is reading this board. I would suggest she sit and read it for hours. As she reads, she will take in the message that we are powerless over our children. Over anybody. Over all people, places and things. The only thing we can control is ourselves and doing that is a full-time job leaving NO TIME for managing anybody else's life, even our own children's lives.

Please get legal advice. Can you declare your stepson a ward of the state? That is a provision in my state for incorrigible children.

Please get professional counseling from a counselor who has experience dealing with this---a counselor who understands addiction if your stepson is addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. Choose that person carefully. I went to a well-meaning counselor for years for marriage counseling. My husband was an active alcoholic. After 10 years, when I had tried everything to make the marriage work, and I was ready for a separation, she was still saying: "Oh, you two are such great people. I just hate to see this. Isn't there something else you can try?" I was furious and I said to her: What would you have me do that I haven't done---and you have listened and watched me try it all---100 times? She finally told me she had no experience with addiction. You bet she didn't. It is a cunning, baffling disease that mows everybody in its path right down to the nub.

If your stepson is addicted to drugs and/or alcohol in addition to his mental illness, that is a primary diagnosis. That will have to be treated. There is no way to know how much that affects his mental illness(es), which would be a second primary diagnosis.

In the end, you can't save your stepson. You can't save your wife from trying to save your stepson. You can't "save" your daughter, his stepsister. You can only "save" yourself, in the end. You have a responsibility to your daughter of course, and I am sure your wife loves her deeply and would never want to be hurt.

But one thing is for sure: While we are enabling, we are also insane. Not just the person we are trying to save. We are, too.

You are fortunate that you can see this more objectively.

Please get professional help for yourself and your wife. This is a very tough situation all the way around, one of the worst I've heard about.

There is no clear answer here. I am thinking of you, your wife and your daughter---and your stepson---and praying for you all today.

 

[stepparentincrisis]

Step, I read your post yesterday but wanted to give a more thoughtful response so waited until today. First, we hear you. I can't imagine how you are living and working and moving forward right now---with all of this weighing you down.

You must love your wife and daughter very much.

I get your wife and why she keeps on and on and on. He is her child. I so get that.

She will start to stop when she is so sick and tired---SOOOOOOOOO sick and tired----just weary to the bone with it all, finally realizing that nothing has helped. That he is completely lost. That is a hard, hard realization but that is an important step.

And even once you realize that, you still aren't done. DONE. You get to done later.

It's so painful to realize all of this and really, really take it in. It is the worst pain I have ever felt. It has literally brought me to my knees and into a little curled up ball.

For so long we operate our of stark, raving fear. We are absolutely terrified for our precious children. Even as they are doing awful things. Because as you know, you love your children so very much.

We are afraid they will die. We are afraid that they will be hurt by someone as they live such a dangerous life. We are afraid they will hurt someone else and they will go to jail forever and someone will lock them up and throw away the key.

We are deeply angry and resentful, but we often mask that with fear. We don't even know we feel those things because our fear takes over everything.

See, we still care about them more than we do ourselves. Even as they are acting horribly.

We drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out why. We drive ourselves crazy telling ourselves they can't help what they are doing because they are sick, immature, need more time, lazy, so many things we tell ourselves. We let them completely off the hook for years with this insane behavior because of it.

And finally, one day, we start stopping. Everybody's stopping is different. And our stoppings aren't once and for all.

We start stopping. We still "go" but we start stopping more and more and more.

And it starts making US feel better so we want more of it. We look up, and we realize there is a whole big world out there.

We realize nothing, nothing, nothing---not one single thing---we have done has helped. We have done it all many times, and still, nothing has changed. In most cases, things have only gotten worse. We can't think of another thing to do or try except to put them in a cage or have them committed. And most of the time, the laws and courts won't allow that.

We are so sad. We cry and wail and sit and stare and hide and grieve to our very marrow. And as we do all of that, we are slowly stopping.

My beloved sister died when she was 23 and I grieved for months. It was awful but that was NOTHING like this. I thought that was real pain. But that was NOTHING like this.

This never ends. It goes on and on and on.

But if we work hard and want to change, we can not only start stopping, we can start living again. We can find joy and peace and serenity and contentment even as our precious children continue to self-destruct. As we taste just a bite of that, we want more of it. It feels so good. It has been so long since we felt at peace and that life was good.

We start to work harder.

Echo said they only want self-gratification. My son wants what he wants when he wants it. And that's all.

It's like I'm a tiny little David and he/his disease is an enormous Goliath. I call addiction (a mental illness) a 40-foot-tall monster that destroys everything in its path. I'm sorry to my core that it is inside my son but I can't blast it out of him. He can't either. He has to learn to live with it and it is a daily battle he will have to fight---if he ever chooses to fight---for the rest of his life.

I am no match for this disease and neither is your wife. Your stepson has even more profound problems, it sounds like, than my son does. She is no match for any of it. She will fail every time.

You and your wife need practical advice, I agree with Echo above. Your wife has to be ready, and that is so hard.

I hope she is reading this board. I would suggest she sit and read it for hours. As she reads, she will take in the message that we are powerless over our children. Over anybody. Over all people, places and things. The only thing we can control is ourselves and doing that is a full-time job leaving NO TIME for managing anybody else's life, even our own children's lives.

Please get legal advice. Can you declare your stepson a ward of the state? That is a provision in my state for incorrigible children.

Please get professional counseling from a counselor who has experience dealing with this---a counselor who understands addiction if your stepson is addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. Choose that person carefully. I went to a well-meaning counselor for years for marriage counseling. My husband was an active alcoholic. After 10 years, when I had tried everything to make the marriage work, and I was ready for a separation, she was still saying: "Oh, you two are such great people. I just hate to see this. Isn't there something else you can try?" I was furious and I said to her: What would you have me do that I haven't done---and you have listened and watched me try it all---100 times? She finally told me she had no experience with addiction. You bet she didn't. It is a cunning, baffling disease that mows everybody in its path right down to the nub.

If your stepson is addicted to drugs and/or alcohol in addition to his mental illness, that is a primary diagnosis. That will have to be treated. There is no way to know how much that affects his mental illness(es), which would be a second primary diagnosis.

In the end, you can't save your stepson. You can't save your wife from trying to save your stepson. You can't "save" your daughter, his stepsister. You can only "save" yourself, in the end. You have a responsibility to your daughter of course, and I am sure your wife loves her deeply and would never want to be hurt.

But one thing is for sure: While we are enabling, we are also insane. Not just the person we are trying to save. We are, too.

You are fortunate that you can see this more objectively.

Please get professional help for yourself and your wife. This is a very tough situation all the way around, one of the worst I've heard about.

There is no clear answer here. I am thinking of you, your wife and your daughter---and your stepson---and praying for you all today.

Thank you as well for your reply. The moderator sugegsted I read some of your prior posts and I intended to figure this out today, how to navigate this site efficiently. I have been cut and pasting all of these words of support to my wife and today I encouraged her to sign in and post as well, I think she will. When I posted originally I really was just venting as I felt like there was no one on earth who could possible understand what I was going through as a stepparent, what my wife must be going through as his biological mother, and how this whole dynamic was changing us as people, to sad, worried people. What I see is that I was ignorant in thinking I was alone. These horror stories you all have with our "GFF's" are incredibly touching but it is also comforting knowing that others feel this as well. I was never a counseling guy really, I saw the benefit of therapy but personally never felt I needed it. I think what I needed was to listen and feel supported. I assume everyone replying to me is genuine and everyone has received some type of relief from posting here. And I thought the internet was just good for watching funny cat videos... Who knew? Anyway, today I encouraged my wife to get in touch with his older case workers and a community resource police officer so we can let them know what we are doing and if it is ok. We have something in our state called the Marchman Act, my research shows it is like the Baker Act but for drug use. Is anyone familiar with it? It looks as if we have 3 people (me, my wife and anyone else who has met him) sign a document and file it with the court it will force him to rehab. I used pot in my past, but he does it everyday and told me he is high 90% of the time. He told me he smokes to feel numb and so he doesn't have to deal with all his problems.

 

[greenrene]

Good afternoon! I am a fellow Floridian stepparent to a difficult child. Even though mine is only 16, she is out of my home attending a therapeutic boarding school, and I frequent the Emeritus board to prepare myself for when she turns 18 and also because of the awesome, inspirational personal growth threads and advice that pop up in here. My difficult child's issues aren't quite as serious, although they were rapidly headed that direction. She was hellbent on destroying my marriage, and she very nearly did - we still have much to address and recover from on that front. I don't really have any more to add to the advice you've already been given, but I did want to chime in with virtual support.

 

[stepparentincrisis]

Good afternoon! I am a fellow Floridian stepparent to a difficult child. Even though mine is only 16, she is out of my home attending a therapeutic boarding school, and I frequent the Emeritus board to prepare myself for when she turns 18 and also because of the awesome, inspirational personal growth threads and advice that pop up in here. My difficult child's issues aren't quite as serious, although they were rapidly headed that direction. She was hellbent on destroying my marriage, and she very nearly did - we still have much to address and recover from on that front. I don't really have any more to add to the advice you've already been given, but I did want to chime in with virtual support.

Thanks for the kind words and support. Without mentioning names, is the therapeutic boarding school paid for by insurance or are you out of pocket on it? We had dreamed of sending our difficult child to a private boarding school awhile ago, but it was like tuition to an Ivy league School and we could not afford it. I have found strength in this forum in the last 48 hours and I read the older posts. Commom threads, common themes, seemingly one solution: Don't choose to let them dictate how you feel. Thank you and good luck in your efforts.

 

[greenrene]

We're out of pocket, and yes it's enormously expensive. My husband works in the family business, which fortunately is successful enough to finance the school. I seriously shudder to think of where we'd be if she were still in our home - she was spiraling very quickly, to the point of lying to therapists in an effort to get us into trouble with CPS.

 

[stepparentincrisis]

I am so glad to hear that you and your wife have begun the process of detachment, good for the both of you. It is a tough road, but you have each other and you have us. I completely agree with MWM, she nailed it. The earlier you get those boundaries up, the earlier you make it clear that he cannot act or behave in the old fashion, the sooner you will have your own lives back and just as important, the sooner he will (possibly) wake up and look around and realize it is entirely up to him...........or not. Sounds as if you have a plan. Make sure you limit any liability you still have because he is underage. Make sure you know all the laws in Florida. As someone else mentioned, if you have a lawyer friend or perhaps an hour consultation to really understand all the legal ramifications.

I think your words for your son are perfect. You may want to read the posts of Child of Mine, Echolette, and a few others who recently have been detaching from their younger sons and how they are handling it. Reading others posts will help you in many ways.........Child of Mine put up a note on her front door for her difficult child who just got out of jail and came over to her home at 3 AM. What she put on her door is, like your words, perfect.

By the way, we call our troubled kids difficult child, "gifts from God."

You know what? You and your wife have done enough. It's time now to start to let go. No one said we have to ruin our lives because our kids go off the rails and refuse any help. Don't let guilt get in your way either. You know all that you've done and we parents suffer greatly with guilt, don't do it, it's a waste of time and will cause you endless suffering. You are on the right track and inside of both of you, in that deepest part where we tell ourselves the truth, you both know you are doing the right thing. We parents second guess ourselves right in to no action, don't do that. Stay the course. The only way we get out of this is by detaching.

Follow the guidelines set forth in the detachment article, get support to stay the course and if you are into praying, pray. If you are inclined and it feels right, place your son in your perception of a higher powers hands and consider the serenity prayer which covers a lot of ground for us parents. Here it is "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." That prayer has gotten a lot of us through the night. If that doesn't feel right, leave it. Just trying to offer you whatever I can.

Create a united front so he cannot maneuver himself between you and place a wedge there. Our kids know how to do that. Some of us write a contract and insist our kids sign it. They are usually very good at spotting "loop holes" and will find things you didn't say and do it reasoning that you never said he couldn't "sleep in the garage." Remember, they don't think like us, they don't play by our rules so you have to stay alert and don't allow his old behavior to impact you. You must respond differently. NO is a complete sentence.

Read the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud and maybe Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. As MWM suggested, google Radical Acceptance. Get all the tools in your tool belt, you will likely need them. Keep posting, one of us is usually around at various times of the day. I am sending you and your wife warm wishes for your strength and resolve to continue and caring thoughts for you to find peace..............hang tough.

Hello, I wanted to check in as things seem to be happening quickly at this stage. I presented these posts to my wife and in principal, she agrees what we need to regarding detachment. A HUGE issue that I see is it affects her on a deeper emotional level as his biological parent. I don't want to say I find it easier, but I find it as the only viable solution. He has tonight (Tuesday) thru Thursday night in the prepaid efficiency. Daily he has come to the house when I am at work (my wife works from home) and asked for a ride to the mall, a ride to school, a ride to go look for a job. He does not follow through of course, but when my wife tries to talk to him he seeks out the loopholes and will pressure her into a decision. She ended up driving him somewhere, to the mall I believe, and he asked her for money for cigarettes. She said no (he is 17) and he said well I won't go get my GED if I don't have cigarettes. she simply said ok. She let him know that his Medicaid had been restored and we are exploring treatment options for him, and he said he wasn't getting treatment, he wanted his disability money since we kicked him out. I think I see a mistake with her dealings with him, but she tries to explain things to him and he just pounces on her weakness and rips her apart. He opened up by screaming at her, she pulled the car over and told him to get out. He refused and she actually got out and walked home (she was a mile away). I returned from work an hour later and drove her back to get it, he was in the yard telling her he needed to use the bathroom and wanted to come in, we refused and drove off to get her car. I am so happy I changed the locks. If I had not called to cops on him 2 days ago, he would have broken in or thrown a brick through our window. I know he would have. So in my time today, I drafted and sent an email to the 2 appropriate agencies summarizing he has been back for 3 weeks, he is not enrolled in school, he is not working, he is addicicted to drugs and I am worried about his and my families safety. If he is buying and using drugs, I cannot have drug dealers near my house and I have an 8 year old daughter. I expressed we had an immediate need for assistance and told them he was in an efficiency apart with food. So i reached out to two agencies funded by the state and asked for help. I talked to my wife tonight and said it all has to stop, the rides, the getting him a new phone (he lost his 3rd phone in 2 weeks... right), the bringing him to school (it is a mile away) and all of it. I don't know how else to force anyone's hand here but I think time is essential. I suggested to my wife to make this like a Band Aid and let's talk to him and tell him what we have decided to do rather that her slowly trying to have him discover it. I think this board just gave me more clarity than she has, but I told her if she can't, I understand and would move out until she can handle his decisions or be nearby until he is 18. I just am not going to let him dictate how I feel anymore. So we keep waiting for a knock on the door, expecting the police to say he was doing something illegal, bring him back here when he says this is where he lives, and explain away to an officer what is occuring. I did print out the emails I sent today so I can let them know I notified the appropriate parties and we have him with shelter and food. My wife is going to call the drug hotline tomorrow and return a call to a facility that had him set up with a case worker a few years ago. I will update any news as we get it, thank you all again.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

he just pounces on her weakness and rips her apart.

That is what difficult child kids do. Manipulate us because we love them. I don't know that this is true, but I think it is more difficult for the mother to acknowledge what has happened to her child, and to react appropriately to it. My kids are 38 and 39. I still see them as the babies I nursed, as the toddlers I taught and cherished and dreamed for and about. My husband is tougher minded. I find that most men here are able to see the truth about what is happening to the kids before we moms can allow ourselves to admit that every help we give them becomes a weapon they use against us. Part of it is that the things they want seem so pointless. It doesn't make sense to us.

What I have learned is that it is never going to make sense to me. So, I have had to decide, coldly, to survive. For something like twenty five years, I have been living my life in this dark, confusing place where I am in pain over things I cannot control. I have lived depressed, afraid, outraged, ashamed. My husband and I are retired. There could never be enough money to fix what has happened. And no matter how much money we have given, no matter how much time, how many treatments, nothing has worked.

So, I am learning detachment. I am recovering my own mental and emotional equilibrium. My kids are still doing the strangest, things. They make the weirdest choices. They manipulate my husband one way and me, another. The only thing that doesn't change is that they get what they want to the tune of months and months of time and thousands and thousands of dollars.

It would be one thing to make these kinds of sacrifices for the sakes of our kids if it helped.

Nothing helps.

The money is gone.

My husband and I are in our sixties.

The time is gone.

It's still happening.

Please do ask your wife to begin reading here. It is so important that you both be on the same page. You will need to support one another through what is coming.

We can share our stories, our successes and our losses with you. There is comfort and strength in knowing you are not alone.

Cedar

 

[witzend]

So what I am envisioning, with or without rehab, we do what we legally need to do. Provide him with shelter, be it from a substance abuse or residential program, at an efficiency or roommate situation, or something else anyone can think of.

Quick legal tip here before I read the rest - if you offer rehab as a safe shelter, the police and the courts won't force you to bring him back to your home. Either he'll go or he won't. Either rehab will take your side or his. In the long run after 30 days he'll be placed into another program or he'll be forced to say "I'll never go home and you can't make me."

And good luck with him keeping a hotel room for 3 days without tearing it up or ruining your credit. Don't do that again until he's actually worn out all of his welcomes.

My wife told him tonight she would drive him and we still need to figure that one out as I don't think we should.

You shouldn't.

Here is what I propose to my wife we say with him when we have a come to Jesus meeting with him later this week:

You are choosing the outcome of your life now, we are not.

Did you tell her that yet? What did she say? It seems to me that with the hotel and the cell phone and the food and the driving him to GED classes, your wife is making a lot of choices. I say this because your stepson is 17 years old, and the goal for children is to bring them up and send them on their way. You and your wife should be looking forward to being each others spouse. If you're not on the same page, someone is not choosing the spouse over the child. {School of Hard Knocks, 101}

I almost forgot to pass along to you and your wife what our Dear Fran always said - "If you do what you always did, you'll get what you always got." Cold turkey is surest.

 

[witzend]

Promises made to a liar and a thief who doesn't honor commitments don't need to be kept.

I like this a lot.

 

[witzend]

I used pot in my past, but he does it everyday and told me he is high 90% of the time. He told me he smokes to feel numb and so he doesn't have to deal with all his problems.

If you know he does pot every day and he acts like this, it's more likely that he is doing a lot more than you know. In the past couple of years when M and I finally started to talk again he would drop bombshells into the conversation. "I'm so glad I stopped doing ----." It doesn't really matter what ---- is, but it's something I didn't know about and would have dealt with had I known.

FWIW, our big counseling with M eye-opener was when the counselor said, "I can't divulge what M has told me, and he says that now that he has told me he won't talk to me anymore. I believe that you all need help. M needs therapy, and you two (husband & I) need therapy to deal with this. I don't know if you are safe. I hope he will tell you what he has done."

To this day I don't know what he told her he did, or if he was making up stories. I don't even know if I've ever said that particular thing since I first joined here in 2002. I know he abused our pet. I know that he stole my butcher knife and kept it with him for weeks because he was going to kill me for making him go to bed when he was 15 years old. I know that for years after he left our home we cringed when a news report came on about a violent teenager raping or killing someone. It's no way to live. She didn't tell us, and I don't know what he did, or if he did it. I just know it terrified us and it still terrifies me.

This thread is getting quite long, so I don't know if someone has already said this - Don't ever try to pin your son again. Get everyone safely out of the house, go to a coffee shop or just down the block, and call the police. It's embarrassing to have them come to your house, but they'll meet you at the coffee shop if that is where you are at. It's a lot less embarrassing than seeing your family on the news.

 

[witzend]

So we keep waiting for a knock on the door, expecting the police to say he was doing something illegal, bring him back here when he says this is where he lives...

And this is where you tell them that there is a bed waiting for him at ABC Rehab. They won't even bring him in the door. Call around and see who will take him with the insurance you have. And call that attorney. It will be the best $400 you spent on figuring him out.

 

[AnnieO]

Hi... I, too, am a stepparent. I found this board 5 years ago when I was in severe crisis myself and it has been a sanity saver.

I don't have a lot to add, because you've gotten some very good advice. Let me say this, though. When Belle was 16, she took off - and we refused to let her come back. husband was threatened with being charged with abandonment and he said, fine, whatever, do it - and they never did. Why not? She had a record, for one... Multiple psychiatric admits... And we were willing to work with the system, to protect her little brother.

3 weeks in a teen shelter, then we found private foster care - EXPENSIVE. Even the foster mom finally threw her hands in the air - and she's been doing this for a few decades. At this point we finally got her probation officer and the court to agree (PO was great, court kept giving her taps on the wrist) and sent her to Residential Treatment Center (RTC).

It was better - and worse - when she came back. She left here about 2 weeks after her 18th birthday. She is currently in prison.

The fact is, you cannot make them change. But you CAN protect your daughter and your wife and yourself. If both you and wife are on the same page, it will be easier. Call children's services and BEG THEM FOR HELP. That's something, and you won't feel so helpless.

hugs, and welcome!

 

[SeekingStrength]

I am overwhelmed and admittedly feel a bit naive in thinking my situation was so unique. Every reply I received was thoughtful and genuine.

Yes, that is exactly how I arrived at this board. I am still mostly a sponge...and this board has been a Godsend, but I will repeat a few things.

difficult child's want what they want, when they want it. Period. He will blame you, pile on the guilt...and we think we are abandoning. No, we are not. This is about survival.

Here is how bad with husband and me. difficult child is 32! I wish, wish, wish we had made these tough decisions when he was 17. We asked police to remove him from our home when he was 19. They said, No, this is his address; we cannot do that. We went to Families in Need of Services. No, he knows how to push your buttons. We recommend you leave the house during his rages. (Thirteen years later we realize how we should NOT have accepted that advice).

Stop now. Take it from me.

If you get a place for him, it must be cash only--NO credit card. He will seek revenge by trashing it.

Do NOT allow him back into your home.

This has no good end in sight with any form of enabling. Detachment is your best hope.

We never bailed our difficult child out of jail and thought we were showing tough love. He has been verbally abusive MANY times between ages 15 and 32. We did not nip that in the bud by hanging up the phone, whatever. MAJOR mistake on our part. Why fight? Do not allow it.

Best of luck. Hang tough for all of you.

GFG32 has mostly gone after my mom and me, the weakest links. Fortify yourselves; show NO weak links!

 

[Childofmine]

I am overwhelmed and admittedly feel a bit naive in thinking my situation was so unique.

Don't waste any time on "shoulds". One of the sayings in AlAnon is to get rid of shoulds, woulds and coulds. There is only what is. Reality. You did the best you could. Your wife did the best she could. You are also doing the best you can---both of you---right now. This very hard stuff you both are trying to do. The hardest things you will likely ever do in your whole life.

We talked about how everything else we have done is failed,

That shows progress. Realizing this. Remembering this. Reminding yourself of this. I like to type things up like this---print them out, and post them on my bathroom mirror and refrigerator. Sometimes I go and stand and read them over and over. It sounds remedial, but we are literally changing the wiring in our own brains. We need every single tool at our disposal and we need to commit to using them daily.

Again, we can discuss this and I don't even mind changing it, but that's where she left it with him.

You can always change your mind about any commitment you made/make. Things change. Situations change. Clearly, Clearly, he has not done the things he said he would do. As people of honor, we believe we say something and we have to stick with it. We can change our mind at any time. That is our adult prerogative. Remember that.

I believe in tough love and if I were you, I'd rather do this now than when he is twenty-eight, jobless, a few stints in jail and still using drugs. I

Amen. My son is now 24.5. We have been dealing with terrible things with him for four years. If I had known then...But you will do the very best you can every day. You will do better if you work a consistent program of recovery every day. Keep reading this site to find out exactly what that means. I spend 1 to 2 hours a day working my program. It is the only way I have gotten here and my travels have been inch by inch with frequent relapses.

I have to agree that 17 is a horrible age for us to deal with.

Yes, this makes it really tough. I think you are doing really well under these circumstances. Try to stop the things you can stop. Ask yourself this question---it can really clear away the fog when you are trying to decide whether to do something or not: Am I about to do something for him he can do for himself? There are 17 year olds who pay for some of their own expenses with a part time job, like gas, cell phone, spending money, car insurance.

All food for thought. Keep us updated. We are praying for you and are here to listen and help. And realize, it also helps us.