There are multiple steps you need to follow. While you are tired, it is more difficult. First thing - I find ODD as a label seems to set parents up for feeling angry and resentful towards their child, which in turn sets you up for conflict. What I find is better to keep in mind - these kids do not understand the disparity in rank between themselves and others. Everyone is equal in their eyes, they view everyone from their own perspective. For example, difficult child 1 would read a book to a baby and expect the baby to respond as an equal. He would talk to a baby and wonder why the baby did not converse back. Then he would talk to me (or another adult) the same way they spoke to him, which is NOT a good idea. Think about how you speak to your kids. "Come on! Go have your bath now!" and think how you feel when your child speaks to you the same way. "Mum! I told you not to turn off my game! That is very rude of you!"
With these kids, they will give back exactly what you give to them. In order to manage them better, you have to model for them, the behaviour and responses you want from them. Say goodbye to "Because I said so and I'm the parent," because for these kids, that does not make sense. A lot of the "disrespect" is not necessarily true disrespect and if you react as if it is, you are guaranteeing conflict.
Your aim needs to be to avoid conflict. That is your starting point. So begin by observing him. What sets him off? What calms him down? How can you get what you want from him, without conflict?
An important point to always bear in mind - as a rule, kids want to be good. They do not try to be difficult or naughty. Their responses are in reaction to a combination of factors. Of course they will want to keep doing what they want to do, but there are natural consequences for failing to comply. ALso, a kid with ADHD or Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) often routine and especially something they enjoy (computer games are common) as a coping strategy. Pulling them away from their gaming is challenging.
But you MUST show them respect, if you want them to learn that they must respect others. First, you model it for them. And part of that, is respecting the child's gaming. We also have fought the same wars and trust me, once you begin to battle over this stuff, you will lose. It is bette to not engage in such a battle, than to engage and lose.
So how do you not engage in battle, but still get what you want?
You compromise. You recognise that gaming is a coping strategy for them, and also recognise that just as you don't like being asked to stop what you are doing unfinished. Imagine your child comes to you and says, "I need you to come play with me NOW!" and you are in the middle of cutting up some meat for dinner, hands all messy and stuff everywhere. Of course you say, "I am not ready yet, please wait."
In the same way, a kid playing a computer game can be right in the middle of something and not able to stop right then. So the compromise is - ask how long before he can either pause the game, or get to a save point. Work with him. We use Post-It notes, I would write the time on the note as well as the required task and stick it to the corner of the screen (where it won't be too badly in the way). For example, bath time. "Son, your bath is ready. How much longer do you expect to be?"
If he will be too long, I send another kid first. Or if he is too long, his bath will be cold. Natural consequences.
I give timed warnings, ahead of time. For example currently, difficult child 3 likes to play computer games before he starts his schoolwork for the day. He should begin his schoolwork at 9 am and we are working toward this goal, but I am working with him to help, not seeming to work against him to block is gaming. Instead, I get him up at 8 am. "Son, if you want to get some game time in before school, get up now and take your medications. Get up, take your medications, feed the birds then you can play."
Currently he is still playing at 9 am but I give him timed warnings and after 9 am I keep reminding him, "Time to stop." I get him to sign on with the time and date, when he starts his work. We take the sign sheet to his SpEd and his therapist, so others know this is a work in progress.
But the important thing - HE is in charge of this, HE is the one responsible. And most important - when he does eventually start his work it is in good spirit and with motivation. he's had his game session and finished it when he was ready. So what I want from him - schoolwork done - is what I get.
Incidentally, at 10 am he gets to watch education programs on TV, which he watches while he eats his breakfast and gets dressed.
By making him responsible for organising himself, the buck is passed from me back to him.
As for your younger son copying elder brother - stamp on that one. Stamp directly on baby bro, do not blame older bro. Say to younger son, "That is not acceptable. Go to your room." Take him to his room. Remember, time outs for kids are age-dependent. I would allow one minute per year of age, max. Where possible, coach him to say to you, "I'm sorry for being rude."
If he says, "older bro says it," tell him that you will deal with older bro, but it is not right no matter who says it.
And to deal with this sort of thing - to talk about it - when you and the child are both calm, is the best time. If either of you begins to get angry, drop the subject until you are calm. Keep this up - discuss as far as you can, without anger. Back off whenever anger rises. Over time you will get to deal with it.
Also important - don't try to deal with too much. Pick two or three issues and make them your focus. No more than that.
Praise your kids as much as you can, as appropriate. Catch them out being good and praise them.
Homework - always a problem, especially with ADHD. You may have to negotiate with the school to say, "I refuse to fight homework battles at home. I will no longer be responsible for getting him to do homework."
You need to be able to manage your life. School issues should stay at school. Ease back, learn to breathe and learn to let life dish out its own consequences, so you don't have to be the ogre. Instead, you become your child's champion and helper.
This does not mean you become a doormat. Far from it. You should always be able to say to your child, "I am not shouting at you/being rude to you. Please show me the same respect I am showing you."
Marg