HollySunshine
New Member
Hello all.
I have lurked here on-and-off for about six months, denying that this place seems like the kind of place that would totally understand my family's situation, but we recently got news that brought myself and my partner to a place where we have no hope and need some support from people who have been here.
Between us, we have four children: from his first marriage, a 13 yo girl (clinical depression, PTSD, disordered attachment), an 11.5 yo girl (Disordered attachment, PTSD, and some other unknown {read: undiagnosable}), and a 10 yo boy (fairly well-adjusted and healthy, though we suspect burgeoning PTSD); from mine, a 10 yo girl (generalized anxiety disorder). We also deal with our own mental and physical health issues.
The child giving us the most difficulty is the 11 yo girl. I'll call her S.
S is an incredibly bright, social, charming girl with good physicality and stunning potential. She also lacks empathy, abuses all of the members of her family verbally, steals, goes wherever she pleases, disregards rules, trashes her's and other's belongings and our home, and has started to become violent.
We've had her in intensive weekly therapy for over a year and on medication for over six months; first an antidepressant which did literally nothing and now guanfacine, which addressed her impulsivity but made her more cunning and secretive.
We fear that we know the road that S is heading down as she has a looming family history full of examples - all undiagnosed, unique enough that clinicians don't give our gut-instinct credence, and alarming enough that we don't want this for our girl. I could give full histories for her paternal aunt, paternal grandfather, a cousin on her father's side, as well as stuff we've put together about her biological mother's family. Some of these histories are almost exactly parallel for childhood development and escalation. We fear what comes next, if that parallel holds true.
Recently, S was found with a stolen phone and an ipod touch on her. The fall out from her punishment has lasted almost two months. Since then, she's stolen $100 from me, refused to do any homework (went from an A+ student in elementary school to failing almost every class), ignores rules and goes where she pleases, and has escalated the abuse of us to include throwing objects and trying to throw punches.
Almost more worrisome than her behavior when in a fit is how she behaves when calm. I've seen her triangulate friends, pitting one against the other. I've seen her isolate friends, shower them with praise and then discard them when they speak against her. At one point, she had her little brother so co-dependent on her that he couldn't answer a simple question without looking to her for approval. Her ego is so paper-thin that there is no disciplining her. Everything is an attack that proves we hate her. Everything is proof that she's terrible. Everything is a lie.
Since this latest stealing incident, we've tried to escalate care to more intensive resources with her therapy service, spoke with the psychiatrist to no avail, and even consulted with DCFS. She qualifies for a program called WISe, which provides in-home counseling and a full wraparound set of professionals to support her and us. But because of the long waitlist, in order to get the services, you need a referral from a second agency - an At-Risk-Youth petition through the court system, an active case with DCFS, or an IEP. She doesn't qualify for an IEP and is too young for an ARY. The DCFS people won't get back to us despite our calls to them. And the therapy service finally told us Tuesday that the most support we can really hope to gain is therapy for ourselves.
We're incredibly poor. We can't pay out-of-pocket for anything additional. Not sports programs that might keep her out of trouble. Not boarding or hospital schools that could give her additional support. Nothing. And we lack any other kind of support. My family all lives out of state. His family is scattered and his mother is too ill to be much help. The kids' mother is around as often as she can be, but she's homeless and unemployed herself. S' needs and meltdowns are such that she's taking 100% of each of our attention and it's STILL not enough. Her meltdowns are escalating in intensity and frequency. Her behavior is starting to cause her younger brother distress. My ex-husband is concerned about the effect of living with her on our daughter, and I can't blame him. S could literally cost us our family, and at this point we've been told that the only way to get her more help is for her to torch her own life and someone else's too. We've essentially been told that the bright potential S has means nothing and to stop expecting we can mitigate whatever underlying mental health issue is causing this behavior.
We don't know what to do. Our family can't take much more, but we don't have other options. So we're here, hoping some commiseration and possibly some insight will help us.
I have lurked here on-and-off for about six months, denying that this place seems like the kind of place that would totally understand my family's situation, but we recently got news that brought myself and my partner to a place where we have no hope and need some support from people who have been here.
Between us, we have four children: from his first marriage, a 13 yo girl (clinical depression, PTSD, disordered attachment), an 11.5 yo girl (Disordered attachment, PTSD, and some other unknown {read: undiagnosable}), and a 10 yo boy (fairly well-adjusted and healthy, though we suspect burgeoning PTSD); from mine, a 10 yo girl (generalized anxiety disorder). We also deal with our own mental and physical health issues.
The child giving us the most difficulty is the 11 yo girl. I'll call her S.
S is an incredibly bright, social, charming girl with good physicality and stunning potential. She also lacks empathy, abuses all of the members of her family verbally, steals, goes wherever she pleases, disregards rules, trashes her's and other's belongings and our home, and has started to become violent.
We've had her in intensive weekly therapy for over a year and on medication for over six months; first an antidepressant which did literally nothing and now guanfacine, which addressed her impulsivity but made her more cunning and secretive.
We fear that we know the road that S is heading down as she has a looming family history full of examples - all undiagnosed, unique enough that clinicians don't give our gut-instinct credence, and alarming enough that we don't want this for our girl. I could give full histories for her paternal aunt, paternal grandfather, a cousin on her father's side, as well as stuff we've put together about her biological mother's family. Some of these histories are almost exactly parallel for childhood development and escalation. We fear what comes next, if that parallel holds true.
Recently, S was found with a stolen phone and an ipod touch on her. The fall out from her punishment has lasted almost two months. Since then, she's stolen $100 from me, refused to do any homework (went from an A+ student in elementary school to failing almost every class), ignores rules and goes where she pleases, and has escalated the abuse of us to include throwing objects and trying to throw punches.
Almost more worrisome than her behavior when in a fit is how she behaves when calm. I've seen her triangulate friends, pitting one against the other. I've seen her isolate friends, shower them with praise and then discard them when they speak against her. At one point, she had her little brother so co-dependent on her that he couldn't answer a simple question without looking to her for approval. Her ego is so paper-thin that there is no disciplining her. Everything is an attack that proves we hate her. Everything is proof that she's terrible. Everything is a lie.
Since this latest stealing incident, we've tried to escalate care to more intensive resources with her therapy service, spoke with the psychiatrist to no avail, and even consulted with DCFS. She qualifies for a program called WISe, which provides in-home counseling and a full wraparound set of professionals to support her and us. But because of the long waitlist, in order to get the services, you need a referral from a second agency - an At-Risk-Youth petition through the court system, an active case with DCFS, or an IEP. She doesn't qualify for an IEP and is too young for an ARY. The DCFS people won't get back to us despite our calls to them. And the therapy service finally told us Tuesday that the most support we can really hope to gain is therapy for ourselves.
We're incredibly poor. We can't pay out-of-pocket for anything additional. Not sports programs that might keep her out of trouble. Not boarding or hospital schools that could give her additional support. Nothing. And we lack any other kind of support. My family all lives out of state. His family is scattered and his mother is too ill to be much help. The kids' mother is around as often as she can be, but she's homeless and unemployed herself. S' needs and meltdowns are such that she's taking 100% of each of our attention and it's STILL not enough. Her meltdowns are escalating in intensity and frequency. Her behavior is starting to cause her younger brother distress. My ex-husband is concerned about the effect of living with her on our daughter, and I can't blame him. S could literally cost us our family, and at this point we've been told that the only way to get her more help is for her to torch her own life and someone else's too. We've essentially been told that the bright potential S has means nothing and to stop expecting we can mitigate whatever underlying mental health issue is causing this behavior.
We don't know what to do. Our family can't take much more, but we don't have other options. So we're here, hoping some commiseration and possibly some insight will help us.