When I read and journal I’m so inspired but then I drop the ball when I get out into the action part of living what I’ve learned.
I think you have been traumatized and when you are in the moment you are flooded. The mind does not work when you are in this state. You only want the pain to stop. I know this because it happens to me. We become so dissociated we do not even feel the pain or fear. This is what happens to me. We become that cut off from ourselves.
This is why you do it. You are in an automatic behavior.
You are so very hard on yourself. This is not your fault. It's not something bad or wrong about you. Bad things happened to you, and the consequence has been extreme fear and panic and other bad things. This has happened to me, too. Many times.
You look at this as your failure. Even your moral failure. You take on the responsibility for this away from your son. This is not your fault. Remember that. Please.
Another way to begin to look at this is with real compassion for yourself. If you were a baby or child, would you permit this to happen to this baby? That soul is you. The only thing that will work is kindness, compassion, care, and learning to listen to ourselves, not tuning out or bashing or blaming ourselves.
There are kind things to do that cultivate this gentle attention to who we are. Things people do are restorative yoga, artwork, (in my town there is a group at the battered women's center for women. I have been meaning to go.) Why not look for some writings on the internet about women like us. There are many of us.
But along with restoration and healing there needs to be protecting. Of you.
Your son is not the baby who needs protecting. You need protecting. And you deserve it. I will try in the next couple of days to find titles of a couple of books that may help you begin.
The thing to remember is that at first, you are the center of this, not your son. If you have to keep doing this (the cards) in order to give yourself time to heal, it's okay to do so, I think.
But you will have to remove yourself from his battering. What about deciding how much time you will give yourself (a month, whatever) to continue with the cards, in order to have space? You would have to have ground rules for you and for him. I would find some automatic way to give him the cards, every week or whatever. Without contact. He is not allowed to call you, to text you or to come by. As long as he does not, the cards will come for this interval. There might be a way to refill them on the internet.
This is only for you to get stronger and to have space.
I would begin this by telling him (in text, email, letter--not phone or in person) that the cards will continue for a specified time, only if he obeys your guidelines, and set them out. But they will be stopped. If you want, you can after a time, taper the amount, if that makes you feel better. But you lay off yourself for continuing. This becomes like a bridge toll. It is only for you.
You could decide what you want to achieve in this interval. Not about the cards. Not about him. In you. What strengths, or knowledge or plans....What healing you want to do. And how. How you can find support in your community or even online. Al Anon for example has online meetings. How you can nurture yourself. Cooking. Reading. Movies. Gardening. Swimming. Yoga. Drawing. Music. Walks. Dancing.
You are locked into this with him. If you get some distance from him, and the behavior, and the payments become something that is done automatically by the internet, say, you will begin to mend. Right now you are paying what do you call it, protection, like with the Mafia. Where the businesses have to pay every week or month, in order to not be wrecked or hurt. He is terrorizing you. Anything you can do to step out of this, is a good thing. He needs not be rewarded for battering you. You should not be terrorized.
