It’s not my mental illness talking. It’s the truth!

[Copabanana]

Oh no, Nandina.

. Please pray for her.

I am. I will.

I am so, so sorry. How far away does she live from you, Nandina? Does she have family nearby? This is unfathomable...What can anybody say, think, about a tragedy like this?

 

[lovemysons]

Oh Nandina! What a tragedy! 2 sons to addiction? Oh my. My heart hurts so much for her. I will definitely keep her and her grandchildren in my prayers. The evil one in this world is definitely on the prowl. May God save us all.

Love to you.
LMS

 

[Nandina]

Thank You. She lives about 8 hours away. I really want to go and be there for her but not sure if I can make it.

 

[lovemysons]

Nandina…how are you???
You’ve lost your son in the last 6 months, a close friend last month to suicide, been estranged from your sister who distanced herself when you needed her after your son died, and now have gotten close to your cousin who just today has now lost 2 sons to addiction.

Are you okay?

Love you

 

[Nandina]

I should explain. The first son died not of addiction but apparently after a back surgery when his pain medicine wasn’t working he tried to self medicate, took too much and overdosed but apparently wasn’t a drug addict in the sense this son was. That was about 15 years ago I think.

This son was addicted to crack and was 46, had been involved with drugs since his teens. His wife, the mother of the grandchildren od’d four years ago, I think. I met those kids during our trip. They were beautiful, well adjusted and just good kids. It absolutely breaks my heart to imagine her having to tell them their other parent is gone now too.

My sister just reached out recently. Told me she had been thinking about me and the fact I lost my son and then my friend. It was kind of strange, didn’t even sound like her. She sent me light and love as I navigate my new normal. Those were her words. But it’s been almost 7 months since my son died and a month since my friend passed. I could have used the support when it happened rather than 7 months later. I don’t need the same support now that I did then. But at least she seems to be looking outside herself somewhat.

I got her text very late the night before we left. It was after 11pm so I didn’t answer that night. We were busy the next day packing up etc. and I didn’t respond til we were on the road and it was evening. I told her we were on vacation and I would get back with her as soon as I got home. She texted back saying she was wondering if she had made me feel bad and that’s why I hadn’t answered right away. Wow—I’m not used to her having this much sensitivity toward me and my feelings. Maybe she finally figured out somebody besides her has some stuff going on…

LMS, I am as ok as I can be, I guess under the circumstances. My sadness keeps extending. It’s hard to be any more sad than I already am. I am numb.

I have always known that because I had experienced so little death in my lifetime, that when it hit, it would all hit at once. And that’s pretty much what is happening. I just hope I can be there for my cousin who went above and beyond for me. I am so grateful to her. I know we are in each other’s lives for a reason.

Thank you for the love, kind thoughts and prayers. I’ll get through this.

Love, Nandina

 

[lovemysons]

I’m so glad you’re doing okay…though numb.

I understand about your cousins grandchildren being so wonderful despite the adversities in their lives. My grandchildren are the same way. Just amazing kids!

I’m glad your sister has had what seems to be an epiphany about how she treated you when you lost your son. It’s about time!
I wish my mother and my cousins would do the same but in truth I’m beginning to get used to their absence.

Truly when you go through a life changing situation such as losing a child you find out who your “tribe” is…your people. And you appreciate them like never before!

My people are my husband, my daughter and my 2 oldest grandchildren from Jarod. And of course this support board which is such a Godsend.

Hopefully life will start getting better for you Nandina. Prayers for your sweet cousin. How sad.

Love you
LMS

 

[Fairy dust]

So very sorry for this pain for your family, and your cousins family. Life doesn’t seem fair at times. I pray for strength for you all! And of course big hugs!

 

[Nandina]

Thank you Fairy dust. We all have our own crosses to bear and this is mine right now.

There are many who have it worse than I, my cousin being one. She has lost two out of three of her sons and has now had to explain to her young (now @11 and 12) grandkids that both of their parents are gone. I cannot imagine the pain. And she is left to raise them with neither parent in their lives as she also assists her husband in the early stages of Alzheimer’s.

My cousin lives her faith. She is Christian and her faith is so strong—she starts each day reading her Bible. I would text her in the morning when we were on vacation and she would text back, “let me finish reading my Bible and I’ll be right over.” God comes first in her life. He is her constant source of strength and support. She will get through this.

I have already lost my son—nothing can be harder than that and I have gotten through it so far with tremendous support from friends, that cousin, a great counselor and this board. So in the midst of this tremendous pain, I am very grateful for those blessings in my life. And though I am not in the same “faith league” so to speak as my cousin, I give thanks all the time for the many blessings that are in my life and pray for those who are less fortunate.

Thank you for the hugs and prayers, Fairy dust. It means a lot. Sending hugs and prayers your way as well.

 

[Copabanana]

I came to check in with you today Nandina. I know how strong you are, but sometimes life is just too much to bear. We are always with you.

 

[Nandina]

Thank you Copa. You all are the kindest, most caring people ever, and I consider it a blessing that I found this site five years ago.

I guess I’m finding out how much I can bear with these latest grief-inducing moments. I just take it a day at a time, maybe even a step at a time to get through it. This too shall pass…

I spoke to my cousin last night. She called and told me about having to identify her son at the coroner’s. She said she was grateful that he died peacefully in his sleep and not in a violent way. Also that he had asked to come and see his kids a few days before he died. She said they had a great time together and it left everyone with good feelings the last time they saw him.

I am going to look online for a company that delivers food that needs little preparation and send her some.

It is very surreal almost. First, she is comforting me because I lost my son 7 months ago and she had been through it 15 years ago but not under the same circumstances. Now I am comforting her because she just lost her son to almost identical circumstances that I lost mine and I am trying to help her. I am now the experienced one.

She understands the grief process having lived it previously but it’s a little different now that she is no longer grieving the living. She is doing well overall. We even managed to look back at our vacation and chuckle over a couple of truly funny things that were said. It really was a great vacation filled with laughter and jokes and a lot of love.

When I left, my other cousin who was there said they were so glad we came all that way and that they had been searching for me and my siblings for years. (They didn’t attend) I wasn’t even aware anyone was looking for me. He told me not to wait 50 years next time, lol.

So even as my son’s death has caused us such grief and sadness, out of it this new relationship has developed and brought unexpected joy into my life and into my cousin’s lives as well. It’s easy to see that it happened for a reason. We needed to be here for each other. God had a plan.

Following is a reading I picked out for my son’s Celebration of Life service in April on the positive side of grief. I think it applies here.

The grief of loss is hurting and often unbearable. It is not easy to have a positive view of life when one is hurting. However, there is a positive side of grief if one looks for it. It is growth. One may grow in various ways out of loss and grief. Months or years after the grief experience when one has recovered from the emotional devastation, one can see traces of growth as a result of going through a painful experience. Some people are able to see positive changes as a result of the unfortunate situation.
“The deep truth is that our human suffering need not be an obstacle to the joy and peace we so desire, but can become, instead, the means to it. The great secret of the spiritual life, the life of the Beloved Sons and daughters of God, is that everything we live, be it gladness or sadness, joy or pain, health or illness, can all be part of the journey toward the full realization of our humanity”

Thanks again, Copa. I wish our friendships here weren’t from afar but I’ll take it any way it comes and send much love in return.

Love, Nandina

 

[Nandina]

*The author of the above quote on the positive side of grief is Henry Nouwen.

 

[lovemysons]

Nandina…you are such a blessing to us all here and I can easily see why God put you and your cousin together during this time.

Yes…God does have a plan.

Love you,
LMS

 

[lovemysons]

I’m up late tonight Nandina. Your post spoke to me again.

You see this afternoon I was dusting my bedroom when I began to relive the phone call my son Jarod made to his grandmother (my mom). It would be the last time they ever spoke before his death just months later.

Jarod had asked her $50.
Never in his life had he asked her for more than $15 and that was when he ran out of gas once near her house.

My mom said No! She didn’t explain herself. Jarod knew why. He accepted it. He wasn’t angry at her. But now I am.

He was homeless and likely desperate or he would never have made that call to his grandmother who everyone in the family knows has her selfish self serving side to her.

So in that moment while I’m dusting I began to cry for Jarod. And then I began to be extremely angry at my mother who was on a “girl trip” when this call between them took place.
And even more anger began to well up inside me. Because it reminded me of all the times her friends came before me while I was growing up.

As you know I have mental illness and was a difficult child growing up. One time, to straighten me out, we went to one of her friends homes and this friend told my mother to leave the room. Then when my mother left, this friend had me sit in front of her and told me to NOT make a move without her permission! She began hitting me in the face periodically. She actually thought she could beat my spirit down to get me under control.

Back to my original story…and to touch on a point you make. Grief is still with me I find like today while just dusting. It sneaks up out of nowhere and I am back there in pain again.

Just wanted you to know I am your sister too like your cousin who has this cross to bear.
Sometimes it’s overwhelming.

I’m so glad we have each other.
Love,
LMS

 

[Nandina]

Then when my mother left, this friend had me sit in front of her and told me to NOT make a move without her permission! She began hitting me in the face periodically. She actually thought she could beat my spirit down to get me under control.

Oh LMS, this is heartbreaking! What an awful way to discipline a child. Unfortunately, everybody who has kids doesn’t necessarily know how to parent them properly and that was clearly abuse. Often, a parent just reflects what was done to them as a child and the cycle continues. You obviously broke the cycle with your kids, thank goodness.

When I was with my cousins we kind of cleared up various issues that we had heard about all our lives, sort of pulled some of the skeletons out of the closet. I told my older male cousin something my father had told me years ago. He said his father beat (not spanked) the two oldest—my father and my female cousin’s father. But not the two younger ones—the male cousin’s father and their sister, the youngest. It isn’t surprising then, that my father and his older brother both became alcoholics whereas the two younger ones led fairly productive and normal lives. What trauma the two older ones must have experienced!

The level of drug addiction and alcoholism in my family is astounding. My female cousin just lost her son, her sister lost a son to drug addiction, I lost my son (biologically my nephew) to it and also his father, my half brother. Then there are the cousins who passed too young and whose drug use probably contributed to an early death. There is one child from each of my father’s siblings who fits that description. My brother and sister both struggled with drug addiction as teens, although they both recovered and led normal lives. My remaining half-brother still struggles. My female cousin’s sister still struggles with it as well as the sister’s daughter, who has serious issues and has had her child removed from the home. It just goes on and on.

And what I find really unbelievable is that my grandparents and most of that generation of the family were devout Christians who did not drink or dance or do anything that was deemed a sin. But the next two generations were just consumed with addiction. How can this be explained?

LMS, you are a survivor. You are strong and capable and have been a great mom. It’s not surprising to me that at some point you had a breakdown. Who wouldn’t under the circumstances?

It sounds like your mother is quite narcissistic. What was her background like? Was she abused as a child?

I had a very stable upbringing although we were poor. My parents were divorced and my father rarely provided child support. My mother was a proud woman, worked her tail off for years at a job she really didn’t enjoy, would not accept welfare so we did without a lot of things. If I had been raised in my father’s alcoholic home I know it would have been different.

Just wanted you to know I am your sister too like your cousin who has this cross to bear.

I’ll take it! ♥

 

[lovemysons]

Wow Nandina! Your family really appears to have been attacked by addiction in the last generation. Amazing that all that addiction stemmed from good Christian upbringing.

Yes I was definitely abused along the way but mostly neglected by my mom and moved all over the country with no stable friendships growing up and no brothers or sisters to lean on for support. And like I said before I didn’t meet my good for nothing alcoholic bio dad till I was 16. He had no apologies for me.

This is why it was SO important for me to be the perfect mom and live in a perfect house and have perfect kids to raise.

When my sons went off the deep end into drugs as teenagers I lost my fairytale life. And my world came crashing down.

I believe I am strong…even after losing my beloved son 2 1/2 years ago. I may never forgive some family members like my mom and cousins for not being there for me the past 2 1/2 years.

Yes my mom is definitely a narcissist. She can never be the “bad guy” it’s always someone else’s fault. I don’t think she was abused growing up. In fact I hear she was the spoiled baby of the family. She was raised by my 2 hard working grandparents and had an older sister and they lived in one small town till she divorced my bio dad and started moving all over the country with me.

I know God knows what He’s doing…but boy sometimes life doesn’t feel fair at all Nandina!
Like you say we have to count our blessings. I still have my husband of 38 years and daughter and 2 oldest grandchildren and you and our support forum here.

Keep moving forward and trusting in His divine guidance. That’s all we can do.

Love you,
LMS