Thank you Copa.
My son very occasionally says things like, Mom, I'll turn this around. Just wait. And by the next time he's in touch, he's down, and things seem the same.
Glimmers of hope. It’s hard to watch our beloveds struggle so. My problem is that I don’t know if they are just “throwing me a bone” or actually speaking from within. Those glimmers turn to shards that stab me at times. Contact dredges up the sadness in me that I have to work through. It surfaces and brings me to a low point. At that time, I don’t think straight. I know this.
How to deal with that sadness that ever lurks beneath the surface, that’s the challenge. I know I cannot change my two. The energy that I once spent trying to “help” has metamorphosed to this...... underlying melancholy. It waxes and wanes like moon phases. It rears it’s ugly head on holidays and birthdays. Some days I am able to quell it, to put on the brave face and keep trekking. Other days, I want to stand on a wall and lament and wail. The sadness bubbles up and threatens to burst from my mouth to anyone who would listen. Those days, I try to sequester myself. Lest I lose it completely in public.
I just read an article about a young girl who ended up on life support for her ailing lungs. She pushed through it, even walking and exercising in the hospital while hooked up to this machine. Driven to be well. Her mother’s quote struck me, “You can carry happiness and the sadness at the same time”.
Today, I am working on that. Every day, I am working on that.
Then there is that contrast between a healthy young adult stricken by illness, trying her utmost to regain health, to live, and my two, throwing their lives and health away to meth.
Gah!
I should make a chart out of my emotions. Some kind of measurement where I can track progress and regression. It is a pattern.
He mentioned today he could not meet tomorrow because he's meeting with some counselor. Are these magic words, or the keys to the kingdom, or is he (finally, just a little bit) coming to grips with the need to do something. I'll accept it, even if it's instrumental. It's something.
It is something, even as Swot says, it’s just words. Yes, action counts most, but for our kids, to manage that thought process to a point where they actually speak it,
is something. The fact that Tornado mentioned rehab is something. Maybe it was a means to escape jail. It is the first time she has admitted to a problem, even allowed that word “
rehab” to come out of her mouth. Her usual response would be denial, a complete rebuking of the
audacity that anyone would think she had a
problem.
Only time will tell. In the meantime, I have much work to do on myself, and I still believe this is an important factor in our adult children’s lives, that we continue to grow and thrive
despite come what may with their own choices.
Because I am accepting that my son probably has some sort of processing disorder where he is unable to organize his actions into a sequence so that he can effectively plan. He did have a neuropsychological exam when he was an infant and I do remember there was an issue with sequencing thought.
I am certain that with years of pot smoking, drinking, segwaying to hard drugs, my two have major issues as well.
But there is help. People seek and accept help. That is my issue. Life is not just in the moment, and escaping from the moment. There is more. That is my issue.
Mine also. We are put on this earth to learn and grow from our experiences, good and bad. Drugs definitely stagnate motivation for change, or seeking help.
I begin to hyperventilate when I read this. THERE IS NO WAY ANY OF US CAN OR SHOULD LIVE LIKE THIS.
. That is my banner for now, fighting any inclination to open my door again. It was a slow descent to their hell, and I think at first we were shell shocked and blindsided by love, especially for the grands. Recounting the stories and the drama we went through, I can’t believe what we put up with. The many times we tried only to have things escalate all over again. It was, and is insidious.
Your two, New Leaf, do not meet you even 10 percent of the way. They impose their chaos and dysfunction and they victimize you. In this they are dangerous. It is their way or the highway. In your home.
No, they don’t meet me even two percent. On meth, they are incapable it seems. I can’t and won’t allow that in my home. The peaceful atmosphere that exists now, would be shattered. That is unacceptable.
If I could turn back the clock I would have responded differently. I would have given more support, and been less judgmental and reactive. I have had a hard time accepting my son's limits. This is another learning edge. I love my son.
Retrospect, how wise and altogether disconcerting it can be. Like an outside observer chastising our mistakes. You did what you could with the knowledge and circumstance you had in the past. It was love driven. I believe your son knows this. You had your fair share of drama too. There were incidences you have posted of that are difficult for anyone to maintain composure. I think we have all had moments that we would do over.
There are thinks to be grateful for with my son. And there is my great fear, about his health. Which is another kind of teacher.
I am working on being thankful for the time I had raising my two. Focusing on that. They hold the cards to their choices, their future. I have no control over any of it. That is the hardest lesson. But true. It is a fear of mine as well, Copa, that I may lose them completely.
They are choosing this. They want you to accept all of the damage and chaos and risk and degradation...and to accept blame and responsibility too. As far as I can hear, they offer nothing.
This is the way of addiction. I have to remind myself that it feeds off of desperation and blame. Unfortunately, those closest to an addict are the easiest marks. Therewithin lies the challenge. Disentangling from the web. It is not always easy to navigate.
And still, you look to yourself, and ask, is it me? You very quickly remind yourself of the reality of the situation. But it is very sad to me that there is even 5 seconds of doubt.
The doubt is on what my reaction and involvement
should be. That is what I have struggled these past months with. My daughter lying to the judge with our address, back on the streets, MIA, all telltale clues to her resolve, or lack there of. Yes, she put that on me and it is a hard pill to swallow. “If I get out again with no place to go, I will go right back to the same thing.”
Gulp.
Is that just shy of threat of suicide? “If you don’t let me home, this is my only alternative.”
I can’t call 911 because my 30 year old daughter is threatening to be homeless and drugging again.
Then again, rehabs are full on the island, the probation officer verified that.
Still, I said no.
Would it have made a difference if I allowed her here? I don’t think so.
There is that nagging voice inside of me that still wonders.
Today she has court. It is up to her to appear, or not. I can’t and won’t be there. This is her journey to walk.
We are all of us like this, in a conversation with our inner selves, about this doubt, fear and love.
We are, Copa. I have to believe there is something to be learned from it. When I had Rain out of wedlock in the 70s, my father was so upset with me. He would not acknowledge my presence, or my child. Mom would have us over, he would walk out of the room. It was harsh, but I understand now, how hurt and disappointed he was. It was months before he could be in the same room with us.
That memory has been popping up as of late.
I think because I am reflecting on how keen he was to his own feelings. He came round after awhile, after he had processed everything. Being a parent back then was different, it was on their terms. Respect and boundaries were set. We knew when we crossed a line. My two have crossed many. Time to build up the armor again. I have let my guard down.
I hope you stay here for awhile again, New Leaf. We have missed you.
I have missed you all as well. Thank you Copa for your help in working through this.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
Long day at work........
So today is Friday and I'm sure this is heavy on your mind, but you are not wrong to leave this in her and her attorney's hands. What would it accomplish if you went? Not a thing. It might possibly give the judge the wrong impression, that you are willing and able to help.
thank you Lil. I certainly don’t want to send mixed messages.
It might hurt her even more by the judge finding out she does have family and yet isn't doing what is necessary to straighten up.
Would it be wrong of me to want the judge to know this? It is the truth.That would be my only recourse if asked. I confess, I told her probation officer the truth. That she is an addict, that she is not allowed home, that I love her and want her to get help.
I'm glad to see you Leafy. I'm so very sorry your kids continue on this path.
Thank you Lil. It has been a long hard road. You know, I view Tornado being in this predicament with the law as a possible saving grace. She has slid between the cracks for so long. Driving without insurance, no license, parking tickets. Bench warrants. This court today was for a HOPE probation program that is geared for addicts.
You know, I think they mean it Copa. Mine used to say the same sort of thing. He'd have "plans" and it was going to all work out. Then of course it didn't, because his plans were outrageous or unrealistic or just dependent on other people who were even more messed up than he was. So his big "It's great" moment would end in crushing disappointment.
I think they mean it too, but, what motivates the “plans” is multidimensional, according to each person and circumstance.
What an exhausting way to live. I know because lived it too after all. Sure he'd turned things around, only to be crushed by his misdeeds. That is the best part of distance/detachment...stepping off the roller coaster.
It is exhausting, I agree. I don’t like rollercoasters, never did.
Gosh. This hit me hard. Because what in the world do we do with the love? It becomes dangerous to love, doesn't it, to show love...because it might be construed as willingness to do for, which in our case, turns into being consumed by a garbage disposal. What an impossible situation. Where our basic instinct to love has to be contained and guarded against because it leads us to be harmed.
Vulnerability at its lowest point. I think using discernment is tantamount. Separating from that instinctual mama bear to the rescue mode. My two know how to manipulate that. They are experts. Simply put, love says no.
The thought that your demonstration of love could harm her; by showing up, and reflecting to the judge the reality that she has burnt all of her bridges. This is SO sad.
It is sad, but the bitter truth. Would it hurt her? Might the judge understand better the depth of her addiction? Is there not help there?
The potential blessing in this, is that eventually with all roads cut off, she can and will turn to herself.
That is what I pray for.
Addendum: I bought the ticket to meet my son tomorrow (3rd try). He is going to take the same method of transportation as last time (via hell and gone) which led to him being 2 hours late, and missing me entirely.
Geez. I suppose if you were two hours late in anticipation, he would be there on time.
Not that it will take him half the time. Not that it will cost half the price. He insists upon taking the SAME route to nowhere, AGAIN.
Ugh.
Actually. It makes me sad. He said: I know how to get there if I go first to XXX. So. I get it. This is his way of making sure he will get there. It may not have worked last time, to get him there on time, but at least he got there 2 hours late. Perhaps he will give himself more time, this time. Maybe he will get there. I hope so.
I hope so too, Copa. My prayers and thoughts are with you. I hope all goes well.
Safe journey.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
