I've had ENOUGH!!!!!

[witzend]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: goldenguru</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Awww ... I'm sorry.

Your son is 18. He's an immature kid. He's angry. He's insensitive.

As hard (impossible) as this seems ... try not to take it personally. Sitting in the clink will give him plenty of time to consider this. He'll come around.

So sorry. </div></div>

While I agree with most of what you said, I'm beginning to learn that they don't always "come around." No offense intended, but sad to say, sometimes they just don't, and perhaps we don't do ourselves any favors telling ourselves that they will. They might, I suppose. Maybe it's better if we are pleasantly surprised if they do. But my experience, not only with M, but with some people in general, is that maybe it's better to move on with our lives and the people in them that don't need to "come around".

I can guarantee you, HH's son isn't putting even a smidge's worth of concern into her feelings. And maybe he never will. Maybe thinking that he'll come around someday is counterproductive. Does it matter what we think? It won't change their behavior.

HH, please put your positive energy into your husband and your easy child. Your difficult child will come around, or he won't. If he does, I hope that you will have had a lifetime of pleasant memories to share with him.

 

[goldenguru]

Point well taken Witz. I guess I still have glimmers of (naive) optimism sometimes. I really like to believe that all people have a shred of conscience in their hearts. Especially our kids.

I live by "hope for the best ... expect the worst". I suppose if we have low/no expectations then we don't get our maternal hearts broken.

*sigh*

 

[jbrain]

Hi Witz,
I do tend to agree with you. I think when I finally realized that difficult child 1 might not even be a nice person underneath it all--that the person she was showing me might be the "real" her, it was a turning point for me. I was able to really detach and not hold out hope that she would change and to realize that she was living the life she chose and was seemingly happy with her choice. What freedom for me! I no longer had to wait around, I could get on with my own life that did not include her.

Funny thing is, soon after I had this realization and sort of informed her of it, she no longer had any power over me and then I did see changes. I do think she is a nice person after all but what freedom to realize she may not be and I didn't have to let it affect my life. I think if she hadn't "come around" I would have been okay. And coming around for her means that she supports herself and is appreciative of the relationship we now have which does not include any co-dependence. She is a stripper at a club for her job--to me she has come around, maybe not in the way I would have chosen, but she can support herself and is proud of that. I don't take on her choices as my responsibility, therefore I don't need to feel ashamed or upset. I don't like her boyfriend but I don't have to live with him or even speak to him.

Anyway, I think you made a good point--some kids do not come around and we have to be able to go on with our lives despite that. I don't think you give up exactly, you just don't hold out expectations for change and live your life waiting.

Thanks,
Jane

 

[witzend]

GG, and JB~

I am so glad that you both understood where I was coming from. Phew! I was worried that I might have come across as a heartless witch. Jane, I tend to agree with you that it's freeing for both of you. We get to stop worrying and move on with our lives, and they get to be 'all that they can be' and not get caught up in antagonizing us.