Just need to vent

Helpless29

Active Member
Yesterday was the first time I heard from my son since he’s been back in Chicago. He’s still at my nephews house he didn’t get kicked out yet. He sounded good , said he wanted to try again to do good & that he’s been looking for work . He asked for money for food , his laundry & to get a haircut. When I talked to my husband about sending him money it just turned into a big argument , he said I’m always bailing him out etc . I get so mad at my husband & then start feeling resentment towards him , because it’s my SON & I feel since it’s not his biological son he dosent care . I told my son I couldn’t & he just started saying how I never stick up for him & how I treat him differently then my other kids & that I live in this big house but can’t help him when he’s starving . I sent him some food pantries & places to go but I don’t know if he’ll use them. I just needed to vent .
 

february

Member
Yesterday was the first time I heard from my son since he’s been back in Chicago. He’s still at my nephews house he didn’t get kicked out yet. He sounded good , said he wanted to try again to do good & that he’s been looking for work . He asked for money for food , his laundry & to get a haircut. When I talked to my husband about sending him money it just turned into a big argument , he said I’m always bailing him out etc . I get so mad at my husband & then start feeling resentment towards him , because it’s my SON & I feel since it’s not his biological son he dosent care . I told my son I couldn’t & he just started saying how I never stick up for him & how I treat him differently then my other kids & that I live in this big house but can’t help him when he’s starving . I sent him some food pantries & places to go but I don’t know if he’ll use them. I just needed to vent .
It is hard and the stepparent, does not feel that same need to help.
 

Newksm

Member
I know it's hard to be the parent of an addict...and just as hard to be the step parent! I feel for your "mommas heart" in trying to protect and provide for your son. But, I think your son is smart enough to get his basic needs met. Didn't he have a loan for $24,000? Brighter than I am! I couldn't get a loan for that much unless it was for a car...and the lending facility would have the title as collateral until it was paid off. Something doesn't sound right...

Your husband is trying to protect you and the other children. Maybe he isn't doing it as tactfully as he should, but addicts are master manipulators! Luckily, your son has had periods of sobriety and found rehabs on his own. I hope in the future he finds it again and in time, you and your husband can trust him again. It gets harder with each setback we see them go through. Even though we know we have no control, it doesn't lessen the pain.

Newksm
 

Helpless29

Active Member
I know it's hard to be the parent of an addict...and just as hard to be the step parent! I feel for your "mommas heart" in trying to protect and provide for your son. But, I think your son is smart enough to get his basic needs met. Didn't he have a loan for $24,000? Brighter than I am! I couldn't get a loan for that much unless it was for a car...and the lending facility would have the title as collateral until it was paid off. Something doesn't sound right...

Your husband is trying to protect you and the other children. Maybe he isn't doing it as tactfully as he should, but addicts are master manipulators! Luckily, your son has had periods of sobriety and found rehabs on his own. I hope in the future he finds it again and in time, you and your husband can trust him again. It gets harder with each setback we see them go through. Even though we know we have no control, it doesn't lessen the pain.

Newksm
He used all that money in a month before he came back to Chicago broke , he dosent even have a dollar. My husband said the same thing he’s a manipulator & makes me feel guilty to get what he wants . Today he called again saying he had a job interview and asked for money for bus fare & I said No :( he told me how could he get back on his feet again if I won’t even help him with money to get to jobs, acourse I felt horrible & blamed my husband for not wanting to send money to help him .
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
I’m sorry. The only advice I have is to say the prayer of St. Jude. He is the patron saint of hopeless cases and lost causes. Google it and you’ll see which prayer to say.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hi. I am sorry. This is very hard.

It took me ten years to stop enabling my daughter with everything from a house to three cars, rent payment, etc. It almost ruined our marriage. My husband is her actual father but he got tired of giving so much without her doing anything to change. And she guilted us too and was disrespectful and even abusive.

I would be wondering how your son will pay back his loan. If he wanted to do better, why did he not use it more wisely? Maybe think of this before you give him anything. How do you know he will use it like he says he will? I know you want to believe him. We did too.

I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you what I did. I went for therapy and to NarAnon and saved my marriage and stopped enabling my daughter. It worked well for us. Like your son, my daughter kept telling us she was going to do this and that. In time we realized her promises always tied in with a request for money.

My husband has been the one to stand by me, right or wrong, for all these great and difficult years. I am glad we went for help and were able to come together.

I do understand how your husband feels as mine felt the same way.
 
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