Kicked son out

[Patrick1934]

Hi all thanks for being here.
I feel so alone in this, we asked our 18 year old son to leave last night after giving so many chances, and him not respecting our home. There has been substance abuse and he is still a day lie pot smoker. He dose work and pay his bills , and his rent, but he has been asked to stop Vaping in our home many times and keeps doing it. I believe it had to come to this, its just so fresh, my wife is very upset over this but also agrees it needs to be. Its so hard to talk to her about it because she just crys,I want to be supportive towards her its just hard when she just cry, I guess its her way of letting it out and we all need to let it out.
Anyway we hope our son will be ok, and he realizes how good he had it here, but he is very stubborn , and we here of the horror stories out there where kids do real stupid things , hard not to think about that sometimes. Our home is always open to him to move back in, but he must follow the rules.
Anyway thanks for listening to my rant, its real heavy on my heart right now.
Open to any and all if you would like to share your experience strength & hope.
Thanks so much for being here.
Patrick

 

[Feeling Sad]

Yes, you have a right to have basic household rules and for those rules to be followed.

I wish that I had done something earlier instead of letting my son's bad behavior continue. Know in your saddened hearts that you are doing the right thing.

Adult children need structure and basic expectations.

I am a special education teacher. I witness this fact daily.

Your wife and you both have a right to feel peaceful, respected, and safe in your own home. They expect to get away with things at home, but down the road, they may find that society's rules are not as lenient.

You did the correct thing. You are good parents who are showing their love with strict guidelines. Know in your hearts that you are helping your son.

 

[BusynMember]

It really sounds like hes a very good kid except for smoking pot in your house. Personally, if it were me I wouldnt want to know if he smoked pot away from home as it will soon be legal everywhere and he is working and being productive in spite of the pot. However I do ban all smoking of any type in my house and expect others to respect that rule. I know why you made your son leave. Your house/your rules or find your own place to live. And support yourself.
Hope he decides to follow your house rules. I see him as pretty decent...he needs to learn he cant call the shots in your place.

 

[Hopeful97]

Patrick,

This is a very hard thing. Our son was made to leave on his 18th birthday due to intolerable behavior (I will not get into that right now). I agree with Feeling Sad you aand your wife deserve and have a right to peace, safety and respect.

Our son has been out of our home since Sept. 2015. Your wife may benefit if she reads the posts on this site. That is what I did for a few weeks and I began to learn a lot and have the reassurance that this is not my fault. It helped a lot and I started posting. It is such good therapy to talk to others that truly understand the heartache. This site is a great help in walking this portion of my journey concerning my son.

Keep posting.

Hugs,
Hopeful

 

[New Leaf]

Welcome Patrick, I am sorry for your need to be here, but it is definitely a good place to be when trying to figure this stuff out......your wife is more than welcome to join us too.

I am sorry for your heartache. It is hard when our kids push the limits in our homes and won't follow house rules. I have often wondered if this testing the boundaries is a way for them to insist their independence and step out of the nest.

Daily pot use and "some substance abuse", is more than experimenting. I had a rough time with my two at this age. I think a large part of their attitude was due to dabbling in drugs and wanting to do as they please, damn be to house rules. It is disrespectful and unacceptable, to tread upon ones parents.

I agree with Somewhere that at least he is working, paying bills and rent. So, he does have some sense of responsibility. You have have given him the best training as parents, have faith in that. You have shown him that there are consequences for his choices, and have taught him that you will stand firm for rules for your household. This is honorable, Patrick, your son may not reflect on that now, but he will know it in his heart. He has shown that he wants to live his life, his choices. He will be able to test his wings a bit and see what there is to offer out there.

Instead of feeling that you have kicked your son out,
it is really a repercussion of his actions.
This could truly be a pivotal point in your sons life, to understand that his parents will stand by their word, and there are consequences for his choices. He will have to think, and he will have to learn this valuable lesson.
It is a good thing you are doing for you son by insisting he be respectful to his parents and their home.

It is difficult for parents when a grown child leaves the home in this manner. There is an article on this PE forum, that has helped me tremendously to stand firm.
http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/

When our kids are out there finding their way, it sends us reeling into an emotional state and a tendency to think of all of the awful things that could happen to them. Most of the parents here will tell you that keeping the kids at home, when they refuse to follow rules, only gets worse. They start to treat us and our homes more and more disrespectfully. The more we put up with, the harder they push.
You have done the right thing. If I knew back then what I know now, I would have made much different decisions, along this journey.

Now is the time when you and your wife need to be very tender and kind to yourselves and each other.
Most of us have gone through a grieving process.
We have hopes and dreams for our kids, and when they deviate from that, it is hard on us. Take the time you need to feel what you feel, and when you are ready, start building yourselves up.
We give up a large part of ourselves and our lives parenting.
When the kids leave, there is this weird void. There is an emptiness that needs to be filled. That happens when we understand that we do not have control over our grown kids choices.

We can only control our response and reactions. Most of all know that you both have value and matter.

We need to switch our focus from the kids to ourselves, and this takes time.

If you believe in a higher power, it is helpful to turn to that for strength. There are groups, Alanon, Naranon. Below is an interview with the author of Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children.

What she says makes sense.

Keep posting and reading, it helps. There are many folks here, who have been in similar situations with their adult kids. They will share their stories and offer advice, but decisions are really up to you and your wife. No judgment here, just caring people who know how this all feels. You are not alone.


Take care and take one day, one step at a time.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[A dad]

You son seems to be a well adjusted young adult as he works and pays the bills but I agree your house and your rules. Its time for him to live on his own under his own rules. As long as you do not live in a big city he has a good chance to find something decent for rent where to live.
This is the best for both of you as I said in the past on other topics for adult children and parents to live together there needs to be a lot of compromise from both parties and the best solution is to live separate if that is possible and you do not depend on each other especially if the parents are not old and need their children.

 

[pigless in VA]

Welcome, Patrick. Yes, women cry when they are grieving. They cry a lot, usually. Your wife is grieving the loss of her little boy. When she cries just go hold her and let her cry. The two of you will get through this. Be patient with her tears. She will eventually cry out all the pain. Encourage her to talk to relatives or girlfriends, too.

Many hugs for your hurting hearts.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Parents kick their kids out of their homes for many reasons, some are for drugs, some are for disrespect, some for physically, emotional abuse, etc. Your son does sound responsible for the most part, so take heart in the fact that you both got him to that point in his life.You have taught him the skills to have a productive life. Yes, women do cry when their children live the nest even when it's voluntarily for them to spread their wings, like college.

I think your rule was simple, no vaping in the house. He abused that. There are consequences and he is experiencing that consequence.

Hug one another and pray, if that is something you do, that the Lord presses on his heart to honor his father and mother by obeying the rules of the house.

 

[Childofmine]

Hi Patrick, and welcome to the forum.

It's so hard when we are finally forced to kick our kids out of the house. My son started his downward decline (he went down steep and fast) when he was 19. Pretty soon he was out of here. I gave him many many chances, as I am sure you and your wife have. I was always at least three steps behind him and I know there is still a whole lot I don't know about what he was up to.

I don't believe pot smoking is as benign as many others believe that it is. For some, it is a gateway drug and leads to poor motivation, laziness, more drug use, lack of self-discipline, lack of responsibility and no forward movement, at the least. For my son, that, coupled with drinking, stopped his development and soon he was taking opiates and who knows what else.

I hope this doesn't happen with your son, but I agree with New Leaf that what you describe is more than experimentation.

We have an absolute right to have peace in our homes and to say what will and won't happen there. I can only imagine that you have been around and around with him, and finally it came to this. I think letting him know you mean business is a very good thing. I also believe that most of our kids are incredible survivors and very resilient. I know my son was, but I still worried about him anyway, and I understand that too.

I want to be supportive towards her its just hard when she just cry, I guess its her way of letting it out and we all need to let it out.
Anyway we hope our son will be ok,

Your wife's fear and grief are very real. It is healthy to cry. My husband (my son's stepfather now) has sat with me many many times and patiently held me while I have cried. Crying is healing and it is necessary. If you're like most men, it upsets you and you want to fix things. Just let her cry and be patient and quiet while she does it.

My husband, who has worked with my parents and their drug and alcohol-addicted children, says that mothers and sons are the toughest combination. Mothers have a very hard time setting boundaries with their sons and letting them to go experience natural consequences. I know this is true, because my son's decline lasted for five solid years, and included multiple jail stints, several rehabs, homelessness multiple times for weeks and months at a time, and lots of bad times, drama and upsets. I seriously grieved and lived a lot of the time in intense fear for him.

What helped me tremendously was working on myself, and turning my energy from him onto me. That takes time, and it takes tools. Al-Anon is one great tool, and I still attend a weekly meeting even now, even now that my son has been on a much more positive path for going on two years (will be two years in June 2016). Al-Anon helps me let go of the need to manage, fix or control other people---any people---in my life, including the healthy ones. It has been the greatest gift of my life, living within a 12-step program. I urge you and your wife to attend some meetings, get some Al-Anon literature and read it, and look into the online Al-Anon program. The meetings are completely free.

Please keep posting here. We do understand what you are going through and how hard it is. You will find tremendous support and encouragement here.

 

[Sea66]

Wow, how come I'm just now finding this site?
Here's my story as short as possible:
My son who is now 23 has been difficult from a fairly young age. Special Education, iep, adhd... single mother, abusive nonpresent father.
When he was 15 his school was threatening to put him into canyon state, a school for kids with behavior problems.
I put him into a military school instead, 6 month hard core, project challenge was the name. Great program! He was proud and confident upon graduation.
Anyway, that was short lived. He returned to his bad behaviors, his bad friends, influences. I ended up kicking him out shortly after his 18th birthday. I did the whole bit, restraining order, alarm system, homeless starving phone calls, driving the streets for hours trying to find him, non stop crying and fear, bringing him back to only kick him out or call the police shortly after. I did that for a year until he was arrested for money laundering with a group of homeless kids. Felony. He spent 2 years in prison and was released on his 21st birthday. He came home to stay with me and could not be respectful. Stealing, lying, mouthing off, threats, blames me for his arrest and homelessness....
Out! I couldn't take it. He is now living with his girlfriend in a dirty apartment, not working, expects hand outs, calls crying that he doesn't know how to do anything. That I never taught him anything. I am filled with guilt and shame. The pain is so deep and literal. I know I have to be hands off, but, Jesus have mercy! I've just been diagnosed with graves disease, hyperthyroidism, and I swear it's from years of fear. I would discribe to people the way I felt was like the feeling of falling, that panic feeling, but it was constant, and now cronic.
I have always doubted my decision, and wondered, what if? But really, what other options did I have? He's 6'5 and threatening. I'm so frightened still. This has gone on way to long and now affects my health. It's strange how no matter what they do, you still love them with every part of your soul.

 

[BusynMember]

First off, your thread will do better if it's not on the bottom of an old, old thread. New threads get more attention.

Mods help???

I AM TIRED from three days out of town with (cough) lively two year old granddaughter but will try to answer a little then hopefully others will help me.

I am sorry your sons deeds are causing you pain. They are on his shoulders, not yours. You gave him the best ypu could. There is no perfect parent, no need for guilt. Maybe he inherited some negative personality traits from his bio. Dad. Trust me, D NA is potent and if we are dealt a bad hand, we can still decide to do well in life. Your son is making poor choices. He is a man. He can get disability, welfare, food Stamps and help with housing. There is also help specifically for felons for finding jobs.Your son bears the shame here. Our kids are not us. We are two different people.

Yes, we love them, but if we don't detach once they fly off the rails then WE suffer and we didn't do anything wrong. You are not obligated to mommy any adult child forever. It makes them weaker and unmotivated to change. Since your son is a danger to you and anyone living with you, in my opinion taking him in again should not happen. He uses drugs? Drinks too much msybe? If so he finds funding for that. Too bad if his accommodations are not good. He is able bodied and can work. Some people can't and wish they could.

It is never good for us to live through our kids, even right path kids. Healthy kids grow up and move away and you are left with you. The difficult adult children who don't, can't seem to make good decisions and they wont accept help, inless it is a free roof in our home or our hard earned money. These adult kids keep eating our souls away. If you do not see a therapist to learn coping skills and to break your copdependency to your son you may both go down together. Why should you? You can't change another person if they don't let you help.

When you hit your own rock bottom, you won't feel guilty about the deeds of somebody else, even your son. A really good book I'd recommend is Codapendant No More by Melody Beatty or Beattie. It's in all stores/libraries. Helped me starty own climb.

It's time for you to take care of yourself. You are allowed to turn off your phone, not answer, give ypurself space...this may not stop unless you set and keep boundaries. He won't like boundaries and will try to guilt iyou. Be prepared and don't accept his manipulative lies about yourself. Not from him or anybody. In one ear. Out the other.

Others should join in Take care. It is hard, but you can prevail. Most of us did or are in that process. You're not alone.

 

[Sea66]

Bless you, thank you.

 

[Albatross]

Hi Sea66, and welcome. Sorry you had to find us. Glad you did.

My son is homeless now too, for many of the same reasons your son had to leave your home. Some days I find myself swinging wildly from anger to grief to hopelessness to regret to everything in between, sometimes minute to minute.

I have always doubted my decision, and wondered, what if?

Me too, Sea. I would imagine most of us do. We are their parents. We are programmed, even at the cellular level, I think, to do our best to give them what they need to live happy and useful lives. And when they reject that, well...that leaves us with a lot of tangled emotions.

Sea, I don't know you at all and can still tell you that it sounds like you have indeed done more than enough, that you have nothing to doubt, nothing to regret.

For whatever reasons, reasons that are on HIM, not on YOU, he has rejected your efforts. He has refused to accept responsibility for his life, and it sounds like he tries to play your love for him against you so that he can continue to skate along. Good on you, Sea66, for not allowing him to do that. It is not good for him and it is not good for you.

I hope you or the moderators will start a new thread for your post, Sea. Many others will be by to comment, but they might not find your post buried at the end of an old thread.

 

[Copabanana]

I am confused. I guess Patrick is an old thread and Sea66, the new one. Sea, I too, encourage you to begin your own new thread. I will watch for it

calls crying that he doesn't know how to do anything. That I never taught him anything. I am filled with guilt and shame.

This has got to stop, because it is horrible that you endure it, and it will not help your son, who has free choice.

The more you stand up and go and fight for yourself to have the best possible life, the more there is a chance your son will perk up and smell the roses in his own life. None of us was the perfect mother or perfect parent. None of us had perfect parents. We are responsible for our own lives nonetheless. Every.single.one.of.us. Your son (and mine too) included.

I have always doubted my decision, and wondered, what if?

This is crazy making. I kicked out my 23 year son who was mentally, ill sick with hepatitis, brain-injured--out to the street. Actually, then, I did not doubt my decision, because I could not take more.

He is getting better, little by little (now 27) and living with us again. Who is to say being kicked out isn't what gave him a chance? Who will ever know? The thing is--your son is responsible now, for his life--no matter what happened or did not. The only one who can change it is he.

Adult children need structure and basic expectations.

I agree with Feeling, here. Adult children need limits, every bit as much as they did when they were tiny.

Your suffering will not make one bit of difference. I hope you stay here and keep posting. It really, really helps.

First, try to disengage a bit from your son. Do not let him abuse you. Whining and blaming you is a form of abuse. It does not help him!!! Set a limit. And surely it is not good for you.

Remember: We did the very best we could. And when we knew better, we did better.

Here on this site you will learn how to do better FOR YOU. Right now, it is you who matters. Your son will take care of himself. It is his turn, now, to step up. Take care of yourself. He will notice.

 

[Sea66]

Thank you all so very much! I don't have the words....
I will repost on a new thread.