Man, they know how to cut to the bone

[flutterbee]

Trinity - I have wondered the same myself. It seems like every time she has a good time, it has to end badly. Or if she goes somewhere she was excited to go, it was no fun at all. I don't know if it's the comfort of being miserable or if the expectations are so high they can never be met.

Dazed - I've done the same with my daughter. This is how I sound when I yell!!! She covered her ears. It only stopped her for a week. Maybe.

Witz - I'm sure there is some truth to that - she would have rather spent her time at the mall with friends. I think it falls into the whole expectations thing.

KTMom - Isn't it sad how they seem so incapable of finding that peace?

If I haven't addressed you individually, please don't take it as a slight. I appreciate each of you for taking the time to respond, lend your support and understanding, and hugs.

She went to the waterpark a few weeks ago. She was so excited about going. Of course, it wasn't any fun, it was boring, she got sunburned (even though she used sunscreen) and she got scraped up on her knees and ankles from one ride (that did turn into an inflammatory reaction that required a doctor visit and an rx). But, from the second she got home she was going on how about horrible it was. She went with easy child, his girlfriend, her sister (who is the same age as Wynter and Wynter knows her from school) and they all said she seemed to be having a good time.

I finally asked her, did you laugh at all while you were there? She said, not really. Ok, well not really is not, not at all...so again, did you laugh? Well, I laughed a little at the end of one ride. I told her then that at that moment you were having a good time and those are the times you have to remember and build on.

Maybe one day it'll get through.

 

[flutterbee]

Janet - Maybe, I'm just tired or stressed or have cognitive issues or whatever, but....HUH?

Can you speak slower and use smaller words?

Or maybe I'll just read it again in the morning. Third read through it was starting to make sense. Can you put it into some sort of context?

 

[DammitJanet]

Sorry

I typed it off a handout. Basically I think she is projecting her unhappiness in herself and how she feels she is being judged harshly by everyone...including herself. She is her own worst critic so therefore she lashes out at you because you are handy. Instead of judging herself as unlovable or stupid or her hair is too curly or or or...she can state facts. Instead of saying in a mean manner that you were yelling at the lady or something...she could say...oh, that lady almost hit us. that is a statement of fact. Not a judgment. Judgments are feeling statements.

Is that making more sense?

 

[susiestar]

I have also done the yelling. Only, I yelled EVERYTHING I said to difficult child for a few hours (after therapy, multiple times of having HIM show me the diff between yelling and talking, etc...). The therapist actually thought, with my child, it was genius. NOT for every child, but for Wiz, very effective. I only yelled answers to his questions, "do you want p&J or hot dogs for lunch" that kind of thing. Nothing mean.

when he asked why I was yelling, I said because he told me I was yelling all the time, so I thought it was what he wanted.

Totally dumbfounded him. Stopped the argument for several years.

I am so very sorry. I totally understand the pain you will pay for the outing with. I know what you wanted, and that she was ungrateful and unappreciative. Maybe, instead of focusing on negativity, focus on manners and graciousness? No manners, no nothing. I know you don't think you do a lot for her, but you do. Pulling back a bit, to show her what the REAL world will do with her nastiness, is maybe a kindness? A way to show her that she really DOES have a choice in how she presents herself verbally to the world?

Also, take the hair extensions away. If a thing is her excuse for such rude behavior, then it should not be in her possession, even if she paid for it with her own money. We ahve been through this with TV (certain shows and all together), books, chocolate, ice cream, and so many other things. LEtting her have an item that is the excuse/reason for treating you like dirt is not doing her any favors.

We had a mall trip a couple of years ago with the $200 flat iron. She had just that week gotten a flat iron, but all of a sudden it was the $200 one or nothing. She was younger than wynter, but she lost the flat iron, the clothing seh proceeded to bad mouth, AND the dessert we were on our way to get. She learned to stop, to apologize, and to be more pleasant.

I am sorry you pushed yourself to spend the day "out" with her and she ended it with ugliness.

Hugs,

Susie

 

[flutterbee]

Janet, you nailed it. How about I send her to you, you fix her and send her back. *bats eyelashes*

Susie - I never know what to do with taking away the item that she has become frustrated about. The reason is, is that she is so dependent on me and I know if I let her work through it she will figure it out. If I take it away, then I feel like I'm taking away the opportunity for her to work through it and make the realization that she has worked through it. On her own. Pulling back a bit, is good though.

 

[Marguerite]

I think it would come down to - what would help her learn best?

Sometimes taking away the frustrating thing can help them learn; sometimes it doesn't help at all.

Heather, it's really not easy. You need to find a way to show that whatever she is trying to project onto you or dump onto you - you're not letting it attach to you. Not wearing it. Or if you're wearing it, you're not going to let it deflect you from the main point. Sometimes our kids say mean things to us to distract us from the main issue.

Like that lovely quote from someone above here which I paraphrase -
"Mom, you are nasty, mean and horrible."
"Yep. So? And your point is?"

I got a nasty email from someone last week (a local issue - I posted about it). I replied to the email calmly, saying that I felt hurt by what the person said. The person wrote back very offensively again, saying, "Why should you feel hurt? I didn't say anything bad about you. All I said was, you're being creative with the truth. It's interesting - could it be that you feel threatened?"
Clearly, 'feeling threatened' was supposed to imply a guilty conscience. The natural response, therefore, is to deny feeling threatened. In which case - what is the problem?

So I replied (making it clear it was my last word, I was moving on and would not accept any further replies) and said, "You say you didn't say anything bad about me, and almost immediately called me a liar ('creative with the truth'). I freely admit to feeling threatened by this sort of unpleasantness. Who wouldn't?"

The email was aimed to make me angry and to then engage in a to and fro slanging match. Instead, I kept my focus on the issue at hand (apart from the comment above).

Deflecting tactics are not uncommon. They are a classic example of unfair fighting and do need to be nipped in the bud regardless of who is coming out with it. They are used by someone whose main aim is not to actually discuss the issue, just to win an argument (whatever it may be about). By the time the argument is over, nobody can remember why they were fighting and as a result, the same argument will happen again and again and...

It's a face-saving, neck-saving option. Anyone using this - be very suspicious of their real motives.

Arguments can be very productive. But unfair tactics - destructive. Very.

Marg

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Heather,

I am scared beyond belief because I see myself in your shoes in a few years when Tink is a teen. She is SO the same way. Gaaah.

The second I say something that she does not want to hear, in her mind I am yelling. I did the same thing as Dazed and Confused just last night: "No, I am not yelling at you. THIS is me yelling at you!"

She also pulls the "Well it wasn't REALLY that fun" nonsense after I bust my behind to please her. It cuts like a knife.

So sorry you had to go through that, and sorry that you are hurting physically as well. Understanding hugs.