Terry,
I wasn't around for a long time so I know I'm missing lots of what's been going on. My heart goes out to you because having raised two difficult children with Asperger's, I know how totally wrung out and exhausted I was during their teen years.
I researched many programs for kids on the spectrum, visited some of them, and if I had been able to financially, I would have placed them in residential programs. The best I could do was to send difficult child 1 to a special summer program for a couple of seasons, during one of his worst "difficult child" periods. The program was wonderful. The staff was supportive, caring, and had extensive experience working with kids with Autism. While it had a strong behavioral component, all negative consequences resulting from inappropriate behavior was handled as a learning experience, not as a punishment. The program also had a strong reward system built into it for good behavior. The reward could be one of many things - a candy bar, spending some extra one on one time with a favorite counselor, etc... difficult child 1 thrived in this setting.
The staff valued each child for his/her unique personality, gave these kids a much stronger sense of self by having them reach goals that they thought they would never reach. For instance, there was an obstacle course that was built high up in the trees. If a camper was afraid of heights, he/she still had to complete the course. Other kids were allowed to help the camper. The kids learned to work in groups to reach goals. Most of these kids were outcasts in school and all of them were valued and accepted in this program. difficult child 1 came home with a new found sense of pride, self-confidence, and even a bit of empathy for others - Something I thought was impossible! The down side is that the summer program was not long enough to make all of the positive changes last.
While I think military schools are a wonderful option for certain types of difficult children, I'm not sure they would be beneficial to all difficult children with Aspergers. It really sort of depends on their individual personalities and level of functioning. I don't think this sort of program would have been the answer for my difficult children. difficult child 1 has a very high IQ, is extremely opinionated, headstrong, and very independent. Even though he needed lots of structure to function, I think he would have become much worse behaviorally in an environment where he was forced to conform. I don't think he would have lasted a full week without being expelled. However, once he graduated from high school, he thought about joining the military. This surprised husband and I because while we think the military is a wonderful opportunity for growth, for developing a sense of pride, and maturity, we just couldn't picture difficult child 1 doing well in this sort of rigid environment.
I think a military school would have been even more of a disaster for difficult child 2. difficult child 2 has an average IQ and is much lower functioning then difficult child 1. To this day, he still needs help with some ADL's. He has executive functioning issues, extremely poor social skills, and is unable to see things from any point of view other then his own. ( Although all difficult children seem unable to see things from any other point of view but their own, difficult child 2 is extreme in this way.) difficult child 2 has an anxiety disorder and worries for days beforehand when he has a task he is going to have to complete. He still "melts" when things don't go his way. He has trouble with even the slightest change to his schedule and obsesses over the smallest of things. He has a need to be perfect and responds only to praise. He is also a hoarder saving scraps of paper, opened wrappers from food, broken pieces from toys, etc... I truly think he would have fallen apart in a military school. His anxiety levels would have been so high, he would have been unable to function.
I know how hard it is to make changes. So much conflicting advice, it's easy to second guess what you feel deep down is the right decision for your child. Just want you to know I'm thinking of you, know how much you've struggled in the past, and hope that you find the answer that makes the most sense for you, for your family, for your difficult child... Many hugs being sent your way... SFR