MORE.....

[HeadlightsMom]

I forget about this site as a resource sometimes (I tend to first go to friends/family I know or to face-to-face meetings like Al-Anon). But I do like putting thoughts into words and recalled this site, so I'm here.

Had a new awareness today. Makes total sense in my head, just feels unexpected in my heart.

Over many years, I am used to our son having huge problems with mental health and drugs. Over these many years, I've learned many new skills to navigate these waters better (for myself, for him, for everyone involved). This is a help.

However, over these many years, I am not used to seeing our son truly stay sober or get his act in gear this long before relapsing (4-5 months this time). It was quite a wonderful 4-5 months I'll never forget. I'm forever grateful for that. But.........because I saw MORE change, for MORE time, with MORE promise...... I am also feeling MORE grief/loss over this relapse than any other. This is a hindrance. But, realistically, it's also an opportunity for MORE growth. Yes, I know relapse is part of the recovery process. That's small salve when feeling MORE....

In short, my feelings on everything were MORE amplified this time.

That's tiring. Honestly, didn't expect it.

Also didn't help that a combo of other events (including the death of a life-long friend of mine) came the same week our son relapsed. Lots of MORE.....

We're doing ok overall, grief just ebbs and flows in waves. And sometimes those waves just carry a little MORE current with them. Up and down. Son is MIA again. Will see if we reappears before 6 months pass. And there's always MORE feeling around the holidays.

But, as always, I wish to leave this on a note of gratitude. I am flabbergasted how generously supportive our friends and loved ones are. They fill my heart with thankfulness. I marvel at how blessed we are for loved ones who remain steadfast over decades. May we be just as steadfast in their lives.

Seeking now to refocus on positives......like spending this Sunday with grandkids at the pumpkin patch. Pretty stoked about that because they are the most beautiful grandkids kids ever (signed, completely unbiased grandmother -- not!).

Thanks for listening.

 

[Copabanana]

Headlights, I am a new member. Just shy of 6 months.

Your post touches me so. I admire your resiliency and your hope and wisdom.

I am touched by your son as well. Impressed by his courage and his tenacity. It takes strength to want more and to commit to doing it, knowing the forces and strength of them, that oppose it.

My only child, too, is adopted. He came home at 22 months. At first he was under fost-adopt, a foster child who was intended to be adopted. My son's birth parents still had parental rights. How I marvel at my hope and courage and innocence to love him so much when he was not yet mine.

How much hope I had that all of my love could make everything right.

How hard it is to see that love has not carried the day, while it has carried a great deal. My son was diagnosed with Hep B when he was 19 that was transmitted by his birth mother and not caught at birth when an antidote could be given.

This diagnosis devastated him. And me, too.

I think our stories are tales of great love and constancy. While we feel most strongly the pain and the fear--in my case frustration and anger, too--ours are love stories of hope and struggle. That is what I hear in yours.

I am glad you have posted. Thank you for sharing where you are.

COPA

 

[Childofmine]

Hi Headlights Mom, I'm glad you're here.

But.........because I saw MORE change, for MORE time, with MORE promise...... I am also feeling MORE grief/loss over this relapse than any other. This is a hindrance. But, realistically, it's also an opportunity for MORE growth.

Yes, that is a fear I think we all have. We want so much for them to be better....and then if and when it comes...then we are terrified that it won't last...and so we continue to live in fear.

When can we live free of fear? Are we to always be afraid?

When I can stop and think about it...look at the view from 30,000 feet instead of down here, on earth, face to face...everybody can live in fear. Fear of everything, every loss, every uncertainty, that the people we love will be lost to us now and forever. And we will be alone.

That's tiring.

All of the intense emotion is so exhausting. You are hurting and afraid and even seeing the potential for change in yourself at the same time, which is so intense. You are fully alive, but boy is it hard to feel that much.

Also didn't help that a combo of other events (including the death of a life-long friend of mine) came the same week our son relapsed.

So much at the same time. Too much.

But, as always, I wish to leave this on a note of gratitude. I am flabbergasted how generously supportive our friends and loved ones are. They fill my heart with thankfulness. I marvel at how blessed we are for loved ones who remain steadfast over decades. May we be just as steadfast in their lives.

To be able to hold both states of mind and heart constant, is truly amazing to listen to. This is what true change brings us. We can be scared and sad for people we love so desperately, so much, we hope so much for them...and at the same time, can be grateful for all we have and all that has been given to us, regardless.

Perhaps...you are seeing this as a part of life....this ebb and flow and fear and grief...this intensity for your precious so...it is part of life. The hardest part.

I see so much in what you write. Thank you for sharing and helping me today. Warm hugs. I hope and pray he is safe and will soon turn around again.

 

[TerryJ2]

Ohhh, I'm so sorry! I know how it feels, and it's weird, because we think we've become experts at detachment, but it's almost worse when they do better, because when they relapse, we're caught off-guard.
I hear you.
I hope that he can recover ... and stay in recovery. {{hugs}}

 

[Tanya M]

Hi HLM,

Thanks for sharing where you are and how you are doing.
I'm sorry your son has relapsed and I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

Despite these events you sound strong and focused. That is a good place to be. One important lesson I've learned along my own journey is we never "get over" things that happen but we do "get through" them. Getting through allows us to move on and not stay stuck in the doom and gloom. Yes, you are doing well.

How wonderful that you have your grands. What special sweet memories you are making with them. Nothing like the Pumpkin Patch.