My 19 yr old stopped his depression/adhd medications...

[LostSoul1]

I am glad i came across this forum by reading another member's 'wavering' i believe is her id name. I read so many stories that are so similiar to my own and gives me some comfort knowing i am not the only parent going thru a very diffiult time.

My son suffers from depression, adhd, anxiety disorder. At 18 i gave him an ultimatum to either get the help he needs, go to school or get a job...he refused to do any of these and instead became practically an agoraphobic refusing to leave his basement, play video games all day long, stay up all night long binging on food etc., barely sleeping, stealing my credit cards to purchase video game points etc. etc.

Well after one partically horrible nite (Feb. 2014), he started getting violent, breaking things, and i was fearful he was going to hit me...his is 6 feet 2 inches, over 230 lbs and very strong. I told him to leave....he pleaded, but i held my position. I don't know how i found the strength...... He went to a shelter and looking back this was the hardest thing i could ever do but my health was suffering - was getting nightly panic attacks, high blood pressure to the point i feared i would wake up dead one day. I knew i had to make a change and fast! He went to a shelter where they placed him in a youth residential program which would teach him life skills while finishing high school, get a job etc. This program was a blessing and although it was hard it seems to really help him as i had done all i could at that point. He was taking medication and seemed 'stable'.

THEN EVERYTHING CHANGED! His father passed away at age 53 from a heart attack. We were divorced when my son was 4 but maintained a good relationship with his dad until he remarried. At 16 he decided he no longer wanted a relationshiip with his dad or to visit him and his new wife. The death of his dad was hard on him and had alot of guilt on how he hadn't kept in touch or answered his calls when he reached out to him. My ex suffered from depression also, but never got help and instead self medicated with 'food'. He was 425 lbs when he died, 6 feet tall. It was sad all around.

In june of this year 2015, my son who is now 19 decided to stop taking his medications as he was feelling 'better'. He got sick and ended up taking him to emergency. He decided to start on new medications as he hated the side effects of this medications before he was taking. His psychiatrist was on vacation and he started seeing a new one. The medications were not working and i could see he was getting depressed again, violent outbursts, unstable moods bipolar tendency....very happy and then depressed.

So finally yesterday i encouraed him to see our family doctor to assess his medications and luckily we had a script his old psychiatric wrote (who stopped seeing him as he was over 18). My son looked so depressed. So by the grace of god he got his medications filled. He is getting a new psychiatrist referral but i am so fearful he will stop taking his medications again. He is planning to move out of the residencein December which terrifies me....hopefully he will have a roomate. iI worry about him nite andf day and keept checking his phone logs to make sure hie is alive.............i told him yesterday this is my last time and it is up to him to take his medications and not stop when he feels better. How do i detach to make him step up to take control of his mental health?

 

[runawaybunny]

Hello @LostSoul1

Welcome to our community. I'm so sorry you are going through so much heart ache with your son. While it's obvious you are trying to do the right thing for him please remember to take good care of yourself too.

I'm going to move your post from Substance Abuse to our Parent Emeritus forum where we discuss parenting our kids that are over 18. You are more likely to get responses from other members there since Substance Abuse doesn't sound like your son's primary issue.

Hang in there. You are not alone.

 

[BusynMember]

You can't make him take care of himself. He has to do it. As one myself who suffered lifelong depression, I hated the feeling g and taking the medications that help me are just a regular part of my life. It is always the decision of the person whether to take medications or not. Mom can't force him. Legally it is up to him. Many depressive choose to be unstable. I don't get it, but it's a choice. Many antidepressants interference with a man's ability to have sex..could be why. I don't think most young men would share that with a parent.
In spite of not being able to make son take mrds, you can still learn detachment skills because your getting sick over it helps nobody, especially your son and yourself. Yes, you matter too.
See the great article on detachment on the parent emeritus forum.
Wishing you the best. Stick around. We all get it.

 

[Childofmine]

Welcome Lost Soul 1...we are glad you found us.

I'm so sorry for the situation with your son. I know you love him very much and want only to see him better.

I also know that getting better takes THEM wanting to get better and then to fight for their own lives, seek help, take the help and then stick with it. I know you know.

My son struggled with anxiety and depression too, and I believe much of his drug and alcohol use was for self-medication. To make himself feel better. He didn't want to go to therapy or see professionals about his feelings. In fact, he only wanted to lay around and play video games too, and not go to class or turn in homework...it got worse and worse as his drug and alcohol use escalated. Does your son use or abuse substances?

You asked how to detach from the outcome of what he does or doesn't do? Yes, that is the key question, and has been for all of us here. So please know we understand and we know how hard it is.

The answer is this: You have to work hard at it. I would suggest getting involved in programs like NAMI (National Association for the Mentally Ill)---they have programs and support for parents. Also, Al-Anon or Nar-Anon if your son has alcohol or drug problems. I have found enormous support in Al-Anon and I continue to go to weekly meetings now, even though my son is much better. It is a program for all of my life, in learning how to let go, accept, find peace and joy and serenity in my own life, to live a life of honesty.

Also...books like CoDependent No More, Boundaries...Al-Anon literature, journaling, meditation, setting boundaries with your son, limiting contact for a while (fewer phone calls, texts, emails, visits).

You need time for you. You need time and space and quiet so you can get better, heal from the trauma of dealing with this situation, rest, find some joy and peace, some clarity of thought and function.

I don't know about you, but I had a very hard time functioning when I was in the thick of it with my son. It was all I could do to get up every day and do the basic things. I couldn't focus and I was a mass of emotions---grief, fear, disappointment, shame, guilt, learning to live with uncertainty. I didn't know how to deal with any of it, and I tortured myself by thinking about him and wondering about him obsessively.

I had to learn how to unhook from all of that, and learn to let go of my adult son, let him be homeless, be in jail, not know where he was...over and over and over again for nearly 5 years it went on. There were a lot of ups and downs for me, but overall, over those years, I got stronger and better and more able to deal with it all, the calls to the police, the arrests, the calls of for money, lawyers, help. There were times that I did help him again and there were times that I did not. I had to think and decide each time. It was really hard and exhausting.

I truly believe that my getting out of his way and letting him go was one of the reasons he is on a better path today. As long as I kept on being embroiled in his life, and he didn't take responsibility, there was no space or room for him to hit the rock bottom he needed to hit before he would grab hold and start the long long process of reclaiming his life.

We have to change our thinking....and then we can start changing our actions...and we have to learn how to deal with very strong and uncomfortable feelings without acting or reacting to them. This is new behavior for us and we have to LEARN how to do it. It sure doesn't come naturally, in fact it feels very unnatural and wrong.

Please share more about his background and especially about any substance abuse. If he is abusing drugs or alcohol you won't be able to see any progress with any mental health issues until that is treated or arrested.

We are here for you, no matter what. We know how agonizing this is. Please keep sharing here. You are welcome here with us.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi LostSoul

My son suffers from depression, adhd, anxiety disorder. At 18 i gave him an ultimatum to either get the help he needs, go to school or get a job...he refused to do any of these and instead became practically an agoraphobic refusing to leave his basement, play video games all day long, stay up all night long binging on food etc., barely sleeping, stealing my credit cards to purchase video game points etc. etc.

This takes courage LostSoul to give our d cs these ultimatums.You were taking the right steps then.

Well after one partically horrible nite (Feb. 2014), he started getting violent, breaking things, and i was fearful he was going to hit me...his is 6 feet 2 inches, over 230 lbs and very strong. I told him to leave....he pleaded, but i held my position. I don't know how i found the strength...... He went to a shelter and looking back this was the hardest thing i could ever do but my health was suffering - was getting nightly panic attacks, high blood pressure to the point i feared i would wake up dead one day

I am so sorry you have been through all of this. It is hard watching our D cs spiral. I am glad you stayed firm and had him leave. No one should fear for their lives and health at the hands of their d cs.

THEN EVERYTHING CHANGED! His father passed away at age 53 from a heart attack. We were divorced when my son was 4 but maintained a good relationship with his dad until he remarried.

That is rough LS, on top of everything else happening. I am sorry for the loss of your sons bio-dad.

I am sorry your son stopped taking his medications and ended up in emergency. What a scare for you.

So finally yesterday i encouraed him to see our family doctor to assess his medications and luckily we had a script his old psychiatric wrote (who stopped seeing him as he was over 18). My son looked so depressed. So by the grace of god he got his medications filled. He is getting a new psychiatrist referral but i am so fearful he will stop taking his medications again. He is planning to move out of the residence in December which terrifies me....hopefully he will have a room mate.

Does he have to move out, or is this by choice? Whatever the case is, at 19, it is his decision.
LS, you have some health issues. Are you seeing anyone, a counselor, a program, to help you deal with all of this?
Stress, worry and fret take a lot out of us. I hope you are able to get help with this.

i told him yesterday this is my last time and it is up to him to take his medications and not stop when he feels better. How do i detach to make him step up to take control of his mental health?

You do it by detaching dear, then he has to step up.
It sounds so simple, but it is true.
You have taken on all of the worry and stress over this.
He won't feel the need to be concerned for his health,
if it is all on you in both of your eyes.
I am sure at first he may not like the change in mom,
but by giving him his wings and focusing on your life,
your health,
you are showing him by your actions,
what he needs to do.

Take care LS.
Do take good care of yourself, it is the best example for your son.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[LostSoul1]

Hi everyone...i haven't posted in quite a while as have been dealing with the nightmare, that finally realized itself - my son attempted suicide by overdosing on his medications.

If you see original post, my post, i had serious concerns about him moving out on his own in a basement apartment. He has been living in a group home for about 1.5 years and seemed to be doing well. Until his dad passed away from a heart attach in May, 2015. I tried to support my son as best i could and try to relax his fears about moving out, but the day before we were to sign the lease, i got the call that he was found slouched over with empty pill bottles on the floor next to him. It was due to me calling the group home office they found him, as i was concerned he sounded really down and made a comment about i don't want to live like this anymore.

Fast forward to day, he was admitted to in the inpt. mental health floor of the hospital. The psychiatrist was ready to release him the day after he awoke from the medications overdose! - lorazapam and seroquel! I was dumbfounded how they could release him so quickly without any treatment. He kept telling them he was fine and telling me he was fine. Yet, when i asked him if he understood what he had done, he tried to downplay it saying, well he is fine and he 'woke' up. I said to him, had i not called to look in on you, I likely would not be speaking to him today....to which he simply said 'maybe that is for the best, ihave nothing to live for'. I reported this to the psychiatrist saying that he is only telling him what he needs to say in order to get released.

So at my urging, they admitted him, but now, they are saying he can be discharged and can attend a day mental health program. Problem is, he is still very depressed. Also the group home where he was living won't take him back as he is deemed 'too high risk' and they are not staffed 24 hrs a day. In the past, if you refer to my original post, him living with me has not worked to say the least. It's like he regresses and does nothing for himself - no motivation to get up to go to school or work. Sits playing video games all day and my fear is this will happen again. Even when he spends some time with me on weekends, i usually can't wait for him to leave as he doesn't respect my rules. Also, when i go shopping for example, i ask him to come with me to help me carry groceries..to which he says he doesn't want to. I also asked him not to use the stove as he nearly burnt down my kitchen once as he 'forgot it was on' and a grease fire resulted! But he repeatedly ignores my requests and continues to use the stove unsupervised. My heart tugs as i want to help him in his recovery - but my brain tells me it won't work. He will be fine for a couple of days, and then he goes back to his old bad habbits.

To answer your question, no he is not a drug user, nor does he drink. He has tried marijuana and he said he didn't like it as it seemed to increased his Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) thoughts even more afterwards, so seems he has not tried it again.

I want him to be admitted to their mental health facility that specializes in treating difficult cases of mental illness. I meet with the psychiatrist tomorrow. My son and i went out on the weekend to look into group homes. Initially he wanted to live alone, but i am very leary of leaving him alone with his medications, and the stress of being in a place by himself and moving only puts him in the same situation that provoked his overdose in the first place!! I want to relay this to the psychiatric team tomorrow. We saw some terrible group homes, and found a somewhat decent one yesterday. There are persons with mental illness and some persons i can tell are recovering from substance abuse. I fear putting him into a population will make him worse?? Not sure, but the lady who runs the home seems really caring as does the owner of the home. My son thought this place wasn't bad and he liked it the best out of all the ones we saw. I explained to him that once he stabilizes on his medications, and gets counselling, he can look into getting a place on his own or with roomates if he so chooses.

Any opinions on anyone who has gone thru a similar situation with their adult child attempting suicide??? Did you allow them to continue to live alone? in a group home setting where their medications are supervised? I was told there would be supports that would meet with him daily/weekly but the thought of him with his medications alone terrifies me!

Any suggestions is most welcome!

 

[BusynMember]

I just wonder when he was last tested. He could have Aspergers Syndrome...he has traits...and that can co-exist with depression. These people don't really enjoy other people that much and have always been different. The treatment is twofold (autism and mental illness). Has he ever seen a neuropsychologist? Maybe mental health treatment is not the only treatment that will help him.

Just my thoughts.

Hugs for your hurting heart.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Lost, oh dear, so sorry for your troubles, this is all very difficult. My heart goes out to you. My d c's problem is substance abuse, but I do think it has led to depression and other ailments.
You have done so much to help your son. I hope things will work out for both of you. You sound strong in your understanding that son being at home will not work.
He is very blessed to have you on his side, helping him find a suitable living arrangement, as well as good medical care.
The rest is really up to him.
You have been there for him Lost, you are a wonderful mom.
Sorry I can't help you much, just wanted to let you know I have read your post and how sorry I am for this.
Do take care dear warrior sister.
(((Hugs)))
leafy

 

[blackgnat]

This is a nightmare for you and I can relate to how stressed you are, as we all can. Don't really have much more to add, as my son is right in the grip of his own demons (PLUS a Colorado winter storm warning and he has lost his sleeping bag for the millionth time) but please know that I'm sending cyber-support.

At least you have the appointment tomorrow and hopefully you will get some of your concerns addressed. In my dealings with mental health it seems to me that there is only so much they can do -though again, it's often because my son is non-compliant with their recommendations or solutions-WHY? No clue.

I do hope it works out for you and your son-you shouldn't have to live with these fears and anxieties . Right now, my son is under the care of a doctor who gives him a couple of days worth of medication at a time, so he doesn't abuse them or worse. Maybe the dr can come to a similar arrangement, so that you don't have to worry about that?

I hope you will keep us updated and that you will find peace of mind on some level, regarding your son's care.

 

[LostSoul1]

Here we go again! So my son got released from the mental health unit just this past Monday (the 21st of Dec). He had spent the weekend with me as well as he had gotten a 'pass' - deemed to be safe to be out in the community after his suicide attempt a few weeks ago where he overdosed on some medications.

We agreed on the weekend he would come and stay with me while he goes to his mental health program that starts on Jan 6, 2015. Since getting there by bus would take him 1.5 hrs minimum and i didn't want to risk him not going etc. I also indicated i would ensure to check he is attending all the sessions. i agreed to drop him off in the morning providing we leave the house by no later than 6:30am...after which i would go to work. He would then take the bus back to my house.

I told him i would support him while he goes thru this program, and hopefully with the help of the counselling, therapy, etc, his mental state will improve. After which he would look at finishing school and hopefully getting a job. I said he could stay as long as he wanted, or he could look into other living arrangements after he finished his counselling program. In the meantime he could go on the waiting list for housing etc. We also reviewed the rules for him staying at my place - 1) Needs to attend the Therapy sessions in January (all of them) 2) Needs to Keep his area in the basement clean, bedroom tidy, clean up after himself 3) NOT to use the stove/oven during the day (as he once practically burned my kitchen down on a couple of occasions).
4) Around bed times, we agreed, during work nites bedtime is n 10:30pm. I have sleep issues and am easily awakened by noise. I also start early in the am for work ie. 7-8 am. 5) I would administer his medications - which i would leave for him for the am and then take his medications at nite for pm. When his program commenced in Jan, we agreed we would then need to be up by 6 am. On non-work nites ie. holidays/Fri's Satur...he could stay up until Midnite-1am. Tickety boo...he agreed and i was hopeful this would be a new start.

Monday...we came home and he was co-operative. Last nite however (Tuesday), all hell broke loose! He challenged me on why he needed to go to sleep at 10:30pm...i explained the reasons re my insomnia, health issues with BiPolar (BP), anxiety etc, and also the fact he takes his medications and needs to rest in order to manage his bipolar disorder. In the past when i've allowed him to stay up late and he literally WILL NOT SLEEP all nite. He will stay up skyping and playing video games...until i wake up in the morning! I tried to be calm and told him these are the rules.....if he doesn't want to stay he can call mental health and leave as they have crisis beds which allows him to stay for 3 days while he finds housing...or he could check with the group home we saw which wasn't bad and see if the room we saw is available..........he started mocking me, calling me names, acting like a total idiot. I threatened to call the police and he said he didn't care that he preferred being at the mental health in patient at the hospital than live with me. Things got bad, i called his grandparents hoping they could talk to him, he just stood against his room door and wouldn't allow me to come in. He asked me to give him the phone but i didn't for fear he would smash it as he has done in the past. So i had them on speaker phone. I felt bad for involving them but didn't know what to do. i called the mental health service and left a msg asking to reserve a bed as i felt the nite wasn't going to end well....they called me back at midnite and i was half asleep explained the situation as best i could. They suggested if he still wanted a bed in the morning to contact them.

He went to sleep and this morning i left him a note with the phone numbers of the mental health service as well as indicating if he didn't wish to obey the rules then he was free to leave. I left him sleeping with the dose of medications next to him which he is to take when he wakes up. I am now at work and am worried.

Any advice? i told him at the end of the day, we are all trying to help him, but he has to help himself.....don't know why he chooses to take the more difficult road instead of taking steps to help himself????

So frustrated!

 

[New Leaf]

Hi LS, so sorry for your troubles, here we go again.....I am sorry.

tried to be calm and told him these are the rules.....if he doesn't want to stay he can call mental health and leave as they have crisis beds which allows him to stay for 3 days while he finds housing...or he could check with the group home we saw which wasn't bad and see if the room we saw is available..........he started mocking me, calling me names, acting like a total idiot. I threatened to call the police and he said he didn't care that he preferred being at the mental health in patient at the hospital than live with me.

LS, I think he is telling you what he wants, both by his behavior and clearly with his words.
You simply cannot force him to follow your rules, he has to see the need for it himself. My goodness LS, he is 6ft and 230, your son is a big man.

They suggested if he still wanted a bed in the morning to contact them.

I hope he did, for both of your sakes, this is not healthy for either of you.

Any advice? i told him at the end of the day, we are all trying to help him, but he has to help himself.....don't know why he chooses to take the more difficult road instead of taking steps to help himself????

You have already answered your own questions, LS-he has to help himself.
I soooo understand your grief and concern, because of his illness and the suicide attempt, I am so sorry, LS. That would scare the dickens out of me. It is hard to imagine, too, that he was released so soon? Doesn't seem right.....
My two have challenges with depression due to their substance abuse, yet, I would not have them live with me.I do not know what I would do if either one of them attempted suicide, with no place to go when released, that is a tough one.....I am certainly not equipped to deal with any of that.

He went to sleep and this morning i left him a note with the phone numbers of the mental health service as well as indicating if he didn't wish to obey the rules then he was free to leave.

Did he stay, or did he leave? I hope you found a solution...

I am now at work and am worried.

It is hard to concentrate with this kind of worry.

I went further back in your post and quoted some comments......I understand the suicide attempt must have made this all the more heartbreaking for you, but I think the advice still holds, LS. You can only do so much......

You can't make him take care of himself. He has to do it. As one myself who suffered lifelong depression, I hated the feeling and taking the medications that help me are just a regular part of my life. It is always the decision of the person whether to take medications or not.

True, also if he will help himself or not....

In spite of not being able to make son take medications, you can still learn detachment skills because your getting sick over it helps nobody, especially your son and yourself. Yes, you matter too.

Here is a good article on detachment....
http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/

The answer is this: You have to work hard at it. I would suggest getting involved in programs like NAMI (National Association for the Mentally Ill)---they have programs and support for parents. Also, Al-Anon or Nar-Anon if your son has alcohol or drug problems. I have found enormous support in Al-Anon and I continue to go to weekly meetings now, even though my son is much better. It is a program for all of my life, in learning how to let go, accept, find peace and joy and serenity in my own life, to live a life of honesty.

I hope you are able to find solutions that include most of all, taking good care of yourself LS.

I am sorry I cannot be of more help to you.
Sending prayers for you and your son.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Copabanana]

My son suffers from depression, adhd, anxiety disorder.

So does my son. He is now 27 and receives SSI for mental illness.

he refused to do any of these and instead became practically an agoraphobic refusing to leave his basement, play video games all day long, stay up all night long binging on food etc.

My son's behavior was similar. While he lived with me, I insisted he either go to college or job training and work. It was a fight, but he did. He did work in his last job for a year and a half, but sabotaged it. As I see it. He was depressed, quit the job, and told me he tried to commit suicide. I do not know if this is true, because he was in a city several hours away. He told me he attempted suicide more than once. He has been hospitalized several times because he was suicidal. And now he receives SSI for mental illness.

He is better now. That I know of, he has not been hospitalized for about 2 years. He no longer makes threats of suicide or says he wants to die. At least to me.

my son attempted suicide by overdosing on his medications.

I am very sorry, Lost.

You ask if it is correct to allow him to live alone. It is not a question of allowing.

I have found that my authority or control as a parent is close to non-existent, unless my son decides he wants my counsel or help.

The only enduring changes will come from our adult children. What they choose to do for themselves, or will accept from others.

I see now that what I tried to do for my son...was really for me. My son, little by little, is doing better...when left entirely to his own devices.

There are very strong parallels between our children. My son is older, but I wish I had insisted he become independent sooner. He left home at 23. But when he was 19 he went to Job Corps. Sometimes I think it would have been better had I not allowed him to come home.

It seems that the factor that underlies all of our stories with our children, is that they do things the hardest way that they can, and refuse to learn. So they, and us, suffer over and over again.

We are all wrecks, going through this with them. Until we get permission, give ourselves permission to let go. Not of our love. But we decide we do not have to live their lives with them.

There are resources for mentally ill adults. Community resources. Residential treatment, adult day treatment, community mental health, etc. There is SSI. There is subsidized housing.

My son has a chronic illness which requires treatment. He is not treatment compliant. For the longest time I was held captive by my fear that he would die of this disease. I am still afraid, but I accept that I do not have control. I have given myself permission to live. To live fully. I have accepted that our lives are separate. His life is his. Mine is mine.

I know this may sound harsh. It may be harsh.

I recognize now that only my son can solve his own problems. Only he can define if something is a problem. It is not my right to do this for him. He deserves autonomy in his own life and he deserves that I respect his autonomy. He deserves that I protect myself, insulate myself, if his behavior is hurtful to me.

So that is what I do. If his conduct in my home is hurtful, I ask him to leave and I make it clear what my limits are. If he speaks to me in phone calls in a way that I find disrespectful or hurtful, I cut the call short. I set clear limits.

I am finding that he is responding positively to this. There is a new found reciprocity. Some. I believe my son feels I have more respect for him. And he seems to have found more self-respect. I believe that treating our children like capable and responsible adults empowers them to act as such.

Even if they are not acting this way, for us to act as if we believe they can and shall be responsible, empowers them to be so, if they choose.

I do not think you can stop your son from living alone, if he chooses to and if he is cleared medically. Nor should you. You are not responsible for his actions. He is.

Keep posting. It helps. Really it does.

COPA

 

[LostSoul1]

Thanks so much New Leaf and Copabanana - cute names! lol. I find solace in knowing i am not alone in going thru this. You know that isolated feeling at nite ie. 11 pm when all hell breaks loose and you see no light at the end of the tunnel, the arguing, negotiating etc....

That's how it was on Tuesday night. So i had called the mental health line yesterday (during my coffee break) to enquire about them sending out a crisis team to talk to him (basically a team of social workers etc)...they called him but he would not answer. I called and he answered saying 'he was fine' and didn't need to talk to them. So i came home, found him in the basement, and tried to urge him to talk to the mental health team he refused but i said, they can offer information to you as you are still obviously depressed. So after much prying we called and left a msg...but being the holidays there was no one there, but they did call back later.

I then essentially read him the riot act. Told him i can't continue to live this way and he seems to be breaking the agreement of abiding by the rules we set out. Things weren't working out! I told him i called the group home and the room is still available and i reserved a crisis bed as i didn't want to go thru another night like the one before. Gave him the ultimatum that in order to get better, he has to take steps....ie. go to bed reasonable hour, as his depression gets worse when he doesn't sleep as does my health as i have anxiety (wonder why lol), high BiPolar (BP) etc. I told him we can go visit the group home again on the weekend and make arrangements to move in. He said he preferred to live at home. I said, you can't, it is clear it isn't working! He then said..'ok' i will do what you say about sleeping, obeying rules etc. I said i was being reasonable and would allow him to talk a bit on the phone with this new girl he met while he falls asleep in his room as long as he is quiet. He seemed agreeable to this condition. He said he would co-operate. Then i told him to go shower, i didn't want to see him looking like a slob...he tried to say he had showered the day before but i knew he hadn't. So finally he agreed (everything is such a struggle!) Told him he had to take responsibility for things like going shopping with me as he needed to start taking more responsibility if he wanted to live with me. So he showered and got ready -- then he refused to comb his hair, so that was another 20 mins of talking to him. I told him, if he looks better he will feel better and also, i didn't want to be seen with a 'slob'....ok, so combed his hair and he looked so much better. Went shopping and he actually was helpful. He stayed out without having much anxiety.

During the drive to the grocery store, I again used the opportunity to talk with him about how i wasn't trying to control him but help him to manage his bipolar disorder but he has to push himself a bit each day, or things won't change - if things don't change!. It won't happen overnite but if he is consistent and gets the help he needs, things will...but he has to work at it. He seems to understand and honestly i agree, as soon as i pushed back and maintained my position, i could see his behavior improved also as i basically showed him the door otherwise.

The holidays are tough and my sister and his grandma wants to see him, but i told them if he chooses to go, even for a short while he will, but we can't pressure him. I will see how he is today and whether he is up to going to see them...maybe too soon giving all he has gone thru with his suicide attempt a few weeks back. So no pressure, i will make a nice holiday meal for the two of us regardless. I am emotionally drained from this whole ordeal so trying to be all happy around everyone and cheery i find draining. They seem to understand and said the door is open if we choose to come.

Well, leaving work and going home now....hopefully he will be in good spirits...and have a half decent xmas eve!

Holiday blessings to all and thanks so much for your support! One day at a time.....best we can do.

 

[New Leaf]

Holiday blessings to all and thanks so much for your support! One day at a time.....best we can do.

Thank you LS, for sharing. Wishing you Holiday blessings as well, LS, I truly hope for the best for you and your son. One day at a time.......
Do take care and stay with us, keep posting, we are here and we care.....
Peace and joy to you.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[A dad]

Do you all know why depressed people either play video games to the extreme or eat to the extreme or drink to the extreme or in some cases work to the extreme?
Its because they wanna take their mind of the depression as long as they do any of this things depression is repressed meaning less time with your thoughts.
My example a relative of mine very successful in the professional sense but with tragedies big tragedies in the personal life now pretty much works all the time creating a foundation, networking making connections bringing founds and other things and you know why they she does it in her own words so I she does not have time to be alone with her thoughts.

 

[Worriedsick]

Lostsoul1- My story is very much like yours with my 18 year old son. It's been 3 months that I've taken off of work to take care of my son. He's been admitted twice for suicide attempts. They only kept him 2 days the first time and 1 day the second time. I've been told to detach so I can become stronger. He stopped going to counseling. He just stays in his room all day. I'm also drained. Ultimately he has to decide if he wants help. Everything I do or say will not alter his decisions. I feel so helpless. It's hard to function daily. I'm going to try and work a half day tomorrow to keep my mind busy. I hope something deep within themselves keeps them wanting to choose to live-

 

[New Leaf]

Hi LS, Its been awhile since you have posted. I am so sorry for this happening. I am replying here, I had to reread your thread....

He was home since Dec. 21....last nite Jan 22..had to have him leave with the police. He was verbally abusive, threatened to harm me and ended up breaking my flat screen tv after he realized i called the police....he is now at a youth shelter...

Oh, my, this must have been very scary, your son is a big man. I am so sorry LS. I know you have been trying to help your son.

I said if i was so bad then he needs to get away from me. I called the police as he uttered threats to harm me. He then took off before they arrived. He punched my flat screen tv...it is destroyed now....
Police came and they took him to a youth shelter last nite. My efforts to help him have not helped. I am worried sick for him.

LS, he is in a shelter. Perhaps there, he will get the help he needs. I know this is very hard, but we have learned that our d cs do not get help, when they live in our homes. For some reason, they just don't. They get too comfortable, I suppose. Then our homes just turn into this place of chaos for us.
We don't help them, and we certainly don't help ourselves.
So, he is in a shelter, he will have to behave himself, follow rules.
He has tread all over you LS, this is unacceptable. Your safety is important.
If he harmed you in a fit of uncontrolled rage, how would he live with that?
Please do not worry for him. It does not help him, or you.
Stand strong, and keep posting, we are all here for you.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[LostSoul1]

Thanks very much New Leaf. I spent the better part of today trying to process everything and cleaning up all the food he had thrown at me. My entire living room had pad thai noodles all over the place...I don't think I want to eat pad thai for a long time now!

I didnt' know what more to do for him. It seemed like he was regressing while he was staying with me. I also realized that my condition of him going to the mental health program while he lived with me, didn't come from inside of him ie. it wasn't like he was going because he is motivated to get better...it was so he could continue living with me. That was a realization I came to today. He has got to want to get better for himself..not for me or anyone else. It was so strange. His behavior echoed how he was when he lived with me ie. playing video games, not doing chores, being disrespectful. He even stole one of my credit cards to charge all sorts of points for games online! He hadn't done this in over 2 years...now that he came back, he was regressing. The binge eating and just pure glutton behavior.

I think the breaking point for me last nite...beyond him throwing food at me was when he came back down and I said...look at the mess you made, he said nothing. Went into the kitchen to grab a bag of popcorn and sprawled on the sofa. Then he made a remark ..."Well you are a slave anyways...so you clean it up! Wow! at that point I looked at him and all I saw was a self entitled rude person and I could not take one more minute of his disrespect. I knew if I didn't do something and take action, I would be destined to be abused by him going forward. That is when I called the police ...then he saw I meant business.

It seems when he taunted me to throw him out, it was though he actually wanted me to do it as he couldn't do it. It was really strange. At one point I said...look it is late, just go to sleep youl'll feel better in the morning. To which he continued to berate me and actually threatened to hurt me if I spoke of this girl he has been seeing. He then said I was poison to him and toxic. To which I replied...if it is so bad living here...there's the door - I can do without all this stresss and drama.

The policeman enforced to me he can't live with me. He said just as he punched the tv screen...he could have seriously injured me in a fit of rage......

Lesson learned. He needs to step up and take control of his own life. I did all I could for him...and it still didn't help....it made it worse. If he chooses to not help himself, I have to respect that and let him life he wants to live, even if it's not what I want for him.

 

[LostSoul1]

Well it's been a week since my son left and he has been living at a Shelter. I have to admit, my house feels more peaceful without all that constant chaos and friction. I am actually able to sleep now and get to bed early! He told the staff at the shelter not to release any information to me. Yet, he called me to ask if i can give him his computer. I said, unless he can pay it off the remaining balance, I won't give it to him otherwise i will be left paying for it. Of course he texted me all sort of terrible names etc. To which i replied back you have to stop being so rude and disrespectful to me.

He texted me while after asking if he could come by to pick up some of his things ie more clothes. I said he can't enter my home given what took place but i could meet him. He doesn't seem to get it. So was supposed to meet at a library and ended up going to the shelter he is staying at. I asked if he could talk to me for a few minutes, he refused and i asked him to pls work with the case manage to find a place to live as if he doesn't, it will be a sure thing he will end up at the men's shelter which is a god awful horrible place. He said nothing, and just grabbed his bag abruptly and off he went back inside. He is so not open to listening. I asked him also on the way there on the phone if he had changed the privacy access for information....he said yes he did and i am not allowed to be given any info about him. To which i said, ok, how is that going to help you? He ignored me. It hurts me that all i want is what is best for him and he doesn't see that - he treats me like i'm his enemy.

So frustrating. On top of that, i spoke to his case manager, and she told me he wants to be taken off the list for supportive housing. He is intent on living alone. I am so fearful, that the time at the shelter will run out eventually as it is not meant for long term, and he is going to end up in a very hardcore men's shelter. Perhaps this is the kick in the pants he needs...but frustrating and scary just the same in knowing he can be making decisions that could so improve the quality of his life. On top of that, the caseworker told me he is no longer going to the mental health program i was taking him to everyday while he lived with me.
I asked if he could be committed or 'formed' which is what they call it here in Canada. She said only if he gets worse ie. stops taking his medications (but the shelter is currently supervising giving them to him) and unable to care for himself. So essentially it is a wait and see what happens approach.

So guess my hands are tied, the case manager, whom he did sign a disclosure of info to me (which hopefully he won't change), said she hasn't given up on him yet. She will leave him on the wait list for supportive housing and see if he will agree for her to take him to his psychiatric appts...which he missed the last one. Also, he said he MAY meet her for coffee next week.

I realize i have to back off, as my helping him has not helped him. He is so stubborn and makes such poor choices. My cousin told me i need to step back. His drug card came in the mail and suggested i just mail it to the shelter to his attention. Also, it saddens me it is his birthday on Feb 1...likely i will just send him a birthday card i guess in the mail....

 

[InsaneCdn]

Also, it saddens me it is his birthday on Feb 1...likely i will just send him a birthday card i guess in the mail....

Find out from his case manager if there is something he needs for "shelter life" that he doesn't have - at least it is still a present, if you choose to do that, and you don't have to. Sometimes we do these things for us, not for them.