My 19 yr old stopped his depression/adhd medications...

[New Leaf]

Hi LS, I know this is really hard. I am hoping the best for you and your son. He is taking charge of his life, and that can be a weird, strange feeling after so many years of coping and helping. It felt the same with my two, a sort of peace settled over the house. Then I ran the gamut of emotions while looking back at all the years.
Take time for yourself and do things for YOU. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
You have done all you can to parent him and help him be successful in life. He is a young man and will have to learn how to live his life. I think when our
d cs are with us, they want the perks of living at home but not the rules. I think they become conflicted because they want to do things their way and get irritated and disgruntled at us eventually.
It is hard to let go and step back.
We have to do it.
The kids know this deep down.
I truly believe they know we love them.

Take good care and be very tender and kind to yourself.
(((Hugs)))
leafy

 

[Childofmine]

Hi LS, sometimes...when we have done all we can do...and they refuse to let us participate with them at all, like your son is doing, pushing you back...I think we need to let it be.

Can you let go and just let him be for a while, regardless? He is making choices. He will have to live with those choices, until he decides differently.

It's so hard so know these details, so can you step back for a few days or a week or two, and just enjoy your peace?

It is what it is, and you have set a new boundary with your recent past experiences. This you know: He will not be back to your home. I hope you can rest in that knowledge that you have a sanctuary now of peace that he cannot penetrate.

He is going to do whatever he does. You aren't part of that.

I know you love him and want the best for him, but I have found that my son's path to a better life was not going to be facilitated by me. I had tried to help him for many years, and all that did was impede his progress.

Me letting go was the best thing I could have ever done for me or for him. After that is when he started doing better.

We're here for you.

 

[New Leaf]

Me letting go was the best thing I could have ever done for me or for him. After that is when he started doing better.

This is good advice. It sure doesn't feel right in the beginning, especially with our d cs history of making very bad choices.
We feel the need to be there, or have them in our homes, to watch over them and try to stop the bad choices and resulting consequences.

It is a no wonder they blame us, because we have crossed over the line and continued to try to parent them, when truly, they seem to need to make the mistakes and feel the consequences. It is a part of their growth. It is hard to let go, because in our minds, it will be disastrous. It may be, and it may not be.

I hope you are feeling okay LS, I know this is a difficult time, when our d cs are not with us.
Though there is peace and quiet in our home, everything just sort of continues to spin in circles in our minds.
I went through a grieving process, with all of the stages.

It is important to feel what you feel, and recognize if you need help.

Take time for yourself, and be very kind to YOU.
You have value, you matter.

One thing I did, that helped me was to give mine to God. It is too much for me to bear. When I feel myself dwelling on them, I say a quick prayer. It is something that helped calm my fears, and work towards peace of mind.

There is always hope for our adult children.

Take care LS, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

You are not alone.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[pigless in VA]

Hello, LostSoul. I hope one day soon you will find yourself. I'm so sorry your son is spiraling downward. I know how that feels to watch someone self-destruct.

I lived with my husband for at least 5 years before his mental illness took over our lives. He was clinically depressed. One major lesson I learned was that you cannot make another person happy. Our own happiness is our personal responsibility. I also do not believe that having a mental illness gives you the right to bully your loved ones. Your son is bullying you. He uses his mental illness and his grief over the loss of his father to pressure you. Stay strong!

Your son is immature. It's time for him to face his own life. When he became violent in your home, he stepped over the line. You deserve to feel safe and have peace in your own home. I know you are very concerned about the suicide risk for your son. Ultimately, it is up to him. You cannot watch over him full-time and keep him from harm. It is totally up to him to use the tools that he has to make his life better. I know that's a terrifying thought. He may succeed; he may not. It is up to him.

I think you made a sound choice when you asked him to leave. It is past time for him to be responsible for his own life. I think since he is refusing to talk to you, I would let him be until he is ready to speak to you. I know you would like to connect with him for his birthday tomorrow. He may not want that. He may still feel angry and think refusing to see you will hurt you. If you cannot see him, have lunch or dinner with a friend tomorrow. Do something enjoyable for yourself. Peace.

 

[LostSoul1]

Thank you all. That is great advice. I need to focus on me and that is what i have been trying to do. My bloodpressure is high again, and my anxiety and sleep issues have come back, so have been trying to get back on track with getting that under control. I have been feeling so tired, even though i am on antidepressive pills but have found dealing with the situation so wearing on me. Doctor told me to monitor my blood pressure and if it continues to stay high may need to increase my dose of medications. But definately i can't bring myself down to care for him. He needs to take the lead with this.

This week, he called me saying he lost his wallet! it was after work and i was driving home. I told him so what do you want me to do? you need to look for it and if you can't find it, get all your id replaced....this isn't the first time this has happened and i have told him before to make sure to put it in a safe place in his knap sack...but he tends to just put it in his track pant pockets and of course it ends u p falling out without him noticing! Sooo...he begged me to bring his id, which is a passport. He asked me to leave it with him....i said no way! He will lose it and that is a very important document. Sooooo i agreed to drive down ugh...i knew it was a bad idea and get his bank card replaced...but....it was closed, so i said let's go on Thursday, when the place to reissue his other id is open later and i could go with him...he refused and asked me to give him the passport. This was while i was in my carin the parking lot of a mall...........i said no, as he will lose it and i don't trust him with it. Soo, he reaches into my purse in which i tried to get it back from him...this is while i was stopped at a light afterwards...he grabs the passport and takes off and runs like a thief! i couldn't believe it. I then thought why oh why did i come out to see him? It always ends up in me getting so upset

I called him, and he said, well it's his passport, but i said if you lose it, someone can steal his identity and to put it in a safe place. I was torn because yes it was his, i paid for it, but i wanted to hold onto it for him. But then again, if he loses it, he has to face the consequences i suppose. Then he told me...he can't see me for a while as we need some space....what? HE IS THE ONE WHO CALLED ME!

So drove home, and came home to a message on my phone from the school he USED to attend saying someone called saying they had his info. So i texted him the info, and he got his wallet back.

Again, this served as a wakeup call for me AGAIN! i need to distance myself from him and stop fixing everything for him, but i felt i had to give him his passport as he would have no id otherwise.....but the way he took it out of my purse was sooo upsetting. I felt he robbed me! This was his birthday by the way, the day of his birthday.

Anyhow, fast forward to yesterday, i contacted the caseworker who has been sort of working with him, for housing etc, and she gave me an update. Apparently the shelter told her they would make sure he goes to his next psychiatric appointment on Feb. 10th and he was going to be moving out either next week or so......so looks like at least he has been doing something to look for a place to live. I felt like me stepping back was a positive thing...or more like it him shutting me out was good for him perhaps!! That passport situation, was a reminder i need to step back and not interfere - hopefully he is taking charge as he tends to step back and get lazy when i 'm involved.

I can see from his cell phone log, he is in a constant contact with this girl he met while in the mental health unit at the hospital when he was hospitalized after his suicide attempt. She does seem like a nice person, studied psychology and seems to be a good influence on him. My fear though is, if she is no longer around or leaves,...he will get depressed again. but i guess i have no control over that and will have let him be.

Again, nothing i can do, and need to see what happens. I asked the caseworker to keep him on the wait list for supportive housing in case him living alone ( not sure if he is alone as i have no clue where he is moving to...). But the fact he is doing SOMETHING is promising and gives me some HOPE!

I'm sure at some point he will contact me as he has alot of his belongings here....but i have to tell myself tocontinue to stay in the background and he needs to take the lead.

This is so hard. But i have no choice. I also need to take care of me.....i will keep posting. yes the passport situaiton was a set back, but served as a stark reminder i need to minimize my contact as much as possible.....one day at a time......

 

[BusynMember]

Just advice.
If he would steal from your purse and run off, perhaps it isn't safe to be in a car with him....ever. If you again ever feel the need to meet up with him, I'd pick a crowded restaurant and refuse to drive him anywhere. It's too risky. He can always get a free ID at the department of vehicles. I got one for my son who does not drive. All you have to say is that the need for an ID is because he needs a voter ID (at least in OUR state) and the ID has to be issued for no cost, but you have to say it is specifically for voting privileges.
I would not be alone with him. Depression is not a reason to let him get away with criminal acts against us. If drugs are in the picture here, he will not be thinking about what he does at all. He will be thinking about the drugs. I did not read the entire thread. If drugs are not the issue that you know of, he is ACTING like a crminal and drug addict anyway and I'd still be very cautious and not be alone with him and you can even decide if you want to take his phonecalls or let them go to voicemail or decide not to read his texts. Does he ever ask how you are or is his correspondence with you strictly to demand favors of you? If it is the latter, you don't need to hear it every time he snaps his fingers and you can take several days to read and respond or you can choose not to read or respond at all. Your choice. Your health. Your sanity.
You do have to take care of you. And he has to take care of himself.
Hugs for your hurting heart.

 

[New Leaf]

LS, I see that you are very much involved with son and I understand but darn it, it is killing you!

ACK! STOP!

Let him have all of this stuff. It belongs to him.

Step way, way back. Way back.

He is an adult, you are an adult.

You are two separate people.
I found a really great article on a website yesterday.Though the focus is on drug use, I think it can be applicable to your situation. Take what you can from it......

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/enabling-101-how-love-becomes-fear-and-help-becomes-control-1018134

This is us, LS, when we over help.......
"The one thing that all enablers have in common is this: they love someone who is out of control, and they find themselves taking more responsibility for the actions of that person than the person is taking for themselves."

This is what happens to our kids, when we over help them.......
"The enabled person becomes stuck in a role in which he or she feels incompetent, incapable, disempowered, dependent, and ineffectual. He or she may gradually accept a self-concept that includes these negative traits, destroying self-esteem."

Is it possible that your son is understanding this? That he does need to take control of his life, and as long as he knows he can contact you, he won't do this? THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!!!!!! So your son is taking the lead here and stepping back. OMG LS, you have some breathing room here, time to focus on you and get your health issues under control.....

Again, this served as a wakeup call for me AGAIN! i need to distance myself from him and stop fixing everything for him, but i felt i had to give him his passport as he would have no id otherwise.....but the way he took it out of my purse was sooo upsetting. I felt he robbed me! This was his birthday by the way, the day of his birthday.

This is kind of a conflicting statement my friend, because well here, from this same post.....

he refused and asked me to give him the passport. This was while i was in my car in the parking lot of a mall...........i said no, as he will lose it and i don't trust him with it

So, really, you did not want to give it to him. I understand this, what you are saying here, you want to protect his identity, I totally get this LS. But, truth be told, you did not want to give it to him. I am not condoning what he did, it was wrong for him to just grab it and run. In a way, you gave him no choice......don't be mad at me. I know this is a tough situation and time for you. But, my friend, there is a conflict going on.......inside of you.
Yes the conflict is based on fact: he is irresponsible, he loses stuff. That is how we learn to protect things, by losing them and facing the consequences.
We will not have moms around to rescue us forever......

My fear though is, if she is no longer around or leaves,...he will get depressed again. but i guess i have no control over that and will have let him be.

Honestly, the reality of life is that people have relationships that don't work and do get depressed over breaking up. It is something we all have had to learn.
Yes, you do not have control over this, none of us do. That is good LS that you see this.

But the fact he is doing SOMETHING is promising and gives me some HOPE!

YES! HOPE! He is doing something, he is out of your house, trying to live on his own. YAY! This is something for you to celebrate. It is what our children are supposed to do, grow up and take care of themselves. It is a good thing.

the passport situation was a set back, but served as a stark reminder i need to minimize my contact as much as possible.....one day at a time......

Yes LS, one day at a time. Limit the contact, then start to work on YOU. HE is working on himself. It is time for you, you matter, you have value. I have had to give my two to God, my grands, and trust that He will watch over them. I have had to develop a mantra, when I over think about them "They are out there finding their way, they will be okay."
I keep posting here, to reaffirm my new path.
It is a new path when we shake off the old over helping, enabling. We have to replace that with something. It feels like a big ball of empty inside at first. Developing new patterns of response takes work and time. It will happen for you LS, I am sure of it. Keep posting and reading, post as much as you can. Find books pertaining to your situation. We are all warriors here, soldiers in a battle...... and soldiers train hard. The training we need, is to educate ourselves and focus on building and strengthening our minds and our bodies. Nothing good can come of us self destructing with this.
NOTHING.
We do the best service to our d cs by living well.
We show them by our action, how it is done.
We want the best for our kids, well, we have got to want the best for ourselves, too.

Soldier on LS, you can do this.
Your son is in good hands. He will be alright, and so will you.

We got your back here.
You are not alone, there is a whole battalion of us.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[LostSoul1]

Hello Everyone....i know it's been a few weeks (yikes almost a month)...time sure flies when you're having fun! (NOT!).

Wanted to provide a bit of an update. My son did end up moving into a room that he is renting. Things seemed to be going well ie. went grocery shopping (albeit with money i loaned him and agreed to pay me back). You're probably wondering why i did that, well, apparently he claims he didn't realize he was going to be moving in a place in February, so ended up spending all his money. So i reluctantly agreed to loan him $50 for groceries. HOWEVER, i gave him a stark warning that next month (being March), if he ends up spending all his money again, i won't give him ONE CENT! Mind you last week he was complaining how he didn't have enough money so i suggested how about contacting the caseworker from Social Services as she can help you with job training, placement etc. I explained to him, even getting a minimum wage paying job would give him far more money than what he is earning now. So things seemed ok for a while....until....

I met up with him last nite....he told me he met with the caseworker regarding job search etc. I wasVERY happy to hear this.

However, as i suspected and based on his moods, he told me he has run out of his medications and has not taken them for 7 days now!! This concerns me, as i see his mood going from calm one minute...to swearing and yelling at me the next. He called me as i was driving home from work to say he has no food or money to buy groceries! I asked him what happened to the disability money he was paid on Monday (i'm talking a mere 3 days ago!!!??) He said he paid the rent and the rest of the money he doesn't know, he can't recall. Then he said he has no clean clothes or money to go to the laundry mat....and he needed changed. I said no way...if i gave him money, he would surely spend it!! Well, i guess i never learn, as I agreed to meet him later but only if to make sure he spends the money on laundry. Mind you a load of laundry only costs $3.75. He said he needs help with folding and he had not used the laundrymat yet. K...so i agreed to show him this one time. However, for food, i said he will have to go to a food bank......as i said last month i told him i would not give him any money (but that said i know i know, i was offering to pay for his laundry)...k i get it!

So when i picked him up, i asked him how he felt things were going and why is he spending money so much....he said he didn't know why. I said it could have to do with him not taking his medications? Mind you i had offered last week to take him to my family doctor to refill his medications - which he declined as he said he had 'things to do'. Then he tells me he hasn't eaten in 2 days!!!?? Again i said, where is your money going to and why don't you buy groceries?? .....again, he looked puzzled, tired, and not in the best state of mind. I mentioned to him about the group home and perhaps living alone was not the best thing for now until he gets stable...ie. mentally,finds a job etc....as i didn't think he looked very well. Also it was freezing outside and he wasn't wearing any jacket just a sweater and track pants!! I could see people in the parking lot looking at him. Honestly, my heart was breaking seeing him like this and so wanting to help him...but i knew i had to maintain my position. He then got really upset and started yelling at me saying i always criticize him...i wasn't i was just trying to make him realize the situation.

So he runs off in the middle of the Walmart Parking lot of all places! ....so got back in my car and started driving not exactly sure what he was thinking as i still had his dirty laundry in my car!! Then he just sort came out in front of my car, looked like he didn't even notice me. He was wearing earphones and playing music which i notice he does when he is not on medications! ....Honestly, he is not doing well.

I told him i could take him to emerg to get a script if he wasn't feeling well or i could take him to my family doctor on Friday. Also suggested he talk to his caseworker about an appointment with his psychiatrist.....but at that point he just told me to take him home...so took him home... he slammed my car door and he went inside. He said he would go to a to a food bank but didn't have his odsp card so couldn't go... then he starts cursing at me accusing me of having his card and not giving it to him....'you fat cow...give me my card! I hope you have a heart attack"!! Off he went inside his place storming off.

I contacted his caseworker to tell her what happened in an email and also copied in his psychiatric......i am really concerned for him, especially the fact he is not taking his medications for over 7 days now....he seems to go thru hundreds of dollars in a matter of days...very careless and impulsive with money. Spends and then thinks ohhhh i need to buy groceries. I know this is part of the bipolar, but i wish he would get help...

I just feel so helpless, i want to FIX the situation, i can't. I feel POWERLESS. I know, logically it is up to him, but to do nothing is soooooo hard. I know he is going to call me again tonite as i go home....i am afraid to answer the phone. I have told myself, i won't answer his calls.....this is so HARD!

 

[Copabanana]

Lostsoul, I am sorry for where you find yourself. I read a bit of your story and like others said, there are several elements in common with our own, my son's and mine, including mental health symptoms.

I agree with the rest. This is your son's story. Only secondarily your own. That is the hardest thing, because it feels as if our own life is at stake and we cannot hardly live it, as long as our children live in the state they do.

I think you have to find a way to not respond right now because this is not in the main about laundry or food. It is about his own acceptance of responsibility for himself, coming to see his own choices as the driver of his own life.

I do not know what kind of monetary assistance or if it is the same as what my son receives, which is SSI. That money can be a help and a curse. While he may receive benefits that are meant for self-care, he may use them for something else. This cannot be easily stopped. He must come to see he needs help, if his judgment is impaired. I have tried to convince my son and have gone with him to Social Security, where the rep explained their preference that the recipient determine his own spending. I was left without anything really I could do.

In my case, my son comes to us, mid-month, or later when the money runs out. He does not seek assistance before then. It makes it hard...

For many, many months I have dealt with my son not having food to complete the month. Or housing either. Sometimes he does not get through half of it. He shows up at my door often.

Every time he does show up it is a crisis (for me, and really, less so for him). My son refuses medication, believes therapy is a waste of time, does not get treatment for a chronic illness. Once when I told my son to leave he started sleeping under a bridge near my home. Just blocks. I traveled over it to reach home. It was absolutely horrible.

I vacillate, too, about how much I should help my son.

The most helpful way to look at things that I have found, is that because your son is an adult and rendered seriously destabilized in part by his own choices, there is really no role for a mother in this. This is between him and the County in which he lives. In the USA, authorities will step in if he is dangerous to himself or others or if he becomes gravely disabled, unable to feed, clothe, clean or house himself properly due to mental illness. Or if he commits some crime.

This is not in the main about laundry or food. It is about him learning to do what it takes to deal with himself and his life. As an adult. Our job is to learn how to let this happen, without falling apart or taking control (and responsibility.)

The hardest thing is to learn there is nothing to do. There is no role in this for you. Your son must be at the point where he can come to you with respect and self-control. He needs to be at the point where his goal is the same as your own and you feel secure that this is the case. That might be a place to have a new beginning.

Trust me, he will find food. He will find emergency housing, if he wants it. He will go to an emergency room when he is frightened, or has some need he wants filled.

The question is how will you get through this: I would suggest posting on as many threads as you can. It really, really helps.

I would suggest the focus as much as you can on your own needs. Take care. I know how hard this is.

COPA

 

[LostSoul1]

Get a phone call last nite from my son at 11pm at nite - while i was sleeping., asking if i can loan him $40 so he can take out his girlfriend today??? I said to him do you know what time it is and why are you calling me so late? Please lend me some money...i said NO! You need to get a job, you do nothing all day long when you can be working. Then it's like 'pls pls, give me $20 then?? Again i said, no...i am not funding you to take out your girlfriend! If you want to entertain her, get a job! Plus there are mmany things you can can do without spending money all the time!! Like walking in the park, hiking, walking aroud a mall et etc......

So this afternoon (which is when he likely woke up)...he calls me again asking if i can give him $20 so he can buy some basics?? So last nite it was money to take out his girlfriend and today it is to buy basics! I call bs! I said what happened to all the groceries you had?? The groceries i had bought 1 week ago?? as he was off his medications and spent all his disabilty money? frozen pizzas etc etc.....he said he shared it with his friends. So i'm supposed to fund your feeding your friends?? Told him this isn't my problem! If he wants to entertain and have a girlfriend...he needs to get a job! Go to a food bank i told him if he just neeeds basics!! Then he says he doesn't have his disability card so i said...all this week, why didn't you go to the disabilty office to get your card??? I even offered he come buy for breakfast and his girlfriend was welcoem too! To which he replied 'screw that!.

Then he starts telling me don't you dare cash that cheque (for the money he owes me) for the part of the rent i helped him pay when he first moved in. I said this just shows how untrustworthy he is! He said he will call the police if i cash it??? Then he says i don't need the money as much as he does?? I said excuse me? I had to borrow out of my credit card for the money! So i obviously didn't have the cash but knew he was in a bind and was nice enough to help him!! How sick and ungrateful can he be?

Yesterday when i dropped off some of his trackpants he wanted, which he asked me to drop off...he was very rude to me, and unappreciative. I even gave him a new pair of running shoes and track pants for an Easter Gift (about $45. He didn't even thank me! So i said to him if he is that hard up for $$ return the running shoes and track pants! and buy groceries! and that next month he think twice before he spends all his money on craplike video game points, junk food etc etc. He then cursed me and hung up!

Honestly, it is not easy to say no to even giving him basics! but it is relentless, and he won't have the motivation to do anything as long as i keep helping him! I hope this lights the fire under him to find a job!

 

[pigless in VA]

Big hugs, LostSoul. I know it's hard to see him like this. You cannot fix this for him.

 

[New Leaf]

Honestly, it is not easy to say no to even giving him basics! but it is relentless, and he won't have the motivation to do anything as long as i keep helping him! I hope this lights the fire under him to find a job!

I LS. I know this is hard, but you are strong and are dong well. I would say at the very top of the list that son needs to respect you and stop verbally abusing you.
That is just unacceptable.
You are his mother, not his ATM.
You are on the right track, if you keep helping him, he will not have the motivation to do for himself.
Keep focusing on working on your needs and keep posting and let us know how you are doing!
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[LostSoul1]

Thanks very much New Leaf, Copabanana and Pigless in VA (had to chuckle at that name). Your support, along with everyone else on this board has been amazing, and even sometimes i'll go thru periods i don't post due to drama in my life. However, i often will go on the board and re-read many of the postings as well as find inspiration and strength when i read other parent's similar stories. I see many similar situations to my own....so many many common scenarios.

I agree, when i enable him, he never steps up. When i remained strong in my resolve in regards to my not paying for his medications when it was covered by his drug card (which he lost)...as hard as it was, and to be honest i had reached my limit as he has done that so many times and expected me to pick up the cost...nope...not again.

I am proud of myself for saying no to him yesterday and the night before. Hopefully he will realize he can't keep asking and asking the same questions, expecting a different answer from me. His landlord who is a very kind person also urged me to stop giving him food, money or whatever......apparently there is a food bank right around the corner (so he won't starve). Frankly, even with his mental illness...he gets lazy and unmotivated. He stays up late and then sleeps the next day til 3 pm....but hopefully soon he will tire of this and motivate himself to find work. I am certain he will feel better about himself once he feels he has a purpose everyday.....his landlord told me he has met with his caseworker a few times to work on getting employment....I get confused because hard to separate the mental illness from the behavior..but that said, he is making a choice to stay up til all hours because when he takes his sleep medications he falls asleep within the hour...which leads me to believe again he may not be taking his sleep medications on a consistent basis or delays taking them so he can stay up all nite talking to his girlfriend!

Day by day....and thankful some progess is being made...slowly but surely!

 

[LostSoul1]

Hi Everyone...it has been over a year since i last posted which was in Mar, 2016. I wish i could come back and say everything is wonderful. My son since my last post was kicked out of the place he was living in because the room he rented was kept in such disarray. So i come along and help him find another room to rent...only again to be kicked out after 1 month. So in June, 2016 i allowed my son to move back in with me....I KNOW, BIG MISTAKE.

The empty promises of 'yes i will go to my work program'....yes i will go to my mental health program.....for 2 weeks and then sit at home all day long sleeping til 1 pm and playing online video games. Not helping with chores, eating all day long, gaining weight...driving me crazy to the point my health is suffering, insomnia, high blood pressure, anxiety and a stressful job to deal with on top of it all.

Well after giving my son sooo many chances i have lost count., i finally had it and told him to not return home as i found out he took my atm card and withdrew $350 from my bank acct! He is on disability for his deprssion, anxiety. He would spend all his money on food and crap, even though i have a fully stocked fridge with all kinds of food....he binges on junk food, fast food. He is addicted to food, and an emotional eater. His dad died of a heart attack and was morbidly obese in May, 2015. I have tried to support my son, encourage him, go to medical appts,...in essence i am his social worker! Only to lied to and manipulated by him. I am so hurt by his lies and his lack of caring for me. Telling me i am a drama queen because i am complaining of not sleeping, feeling anxious and concerned about my blood pressure.

I saw him yesterday to bring him a change of clothes and medications. I asked him to give me back the money he stole...on ly to be told no, since he was kicked out, this was his rent money and is taking it back! Mind you this is before i kicked him out, he had taken the money as he said he needed it! Yeah..to buy video game points, and all the other crap he spends on.

I urged him to go to a shelter, he said no he will figure it out. I feel so hurt because my efforts to help him have not helped...he is worse. He missed his psychiatric appointment because he said he hates how he talks about his weight issue. I hope he is ok. He called me late last night and he asked if i was ok...weird i said i was fine and asked him if he was inside or out...he said never mind, he is ok. I said i hope he calls mental health services for a place to stay for a bit. He was on a wait list for supportive housing which is like a year long....although he thinks he can live alone even though he gets kicked out constantly.

I feel bad but at the same time, i slept better last night without having to be awaken by lights going on at 3 am while he goes down to eat or play video games. I can't take it anymore and told him he can't return until he gets help for himself, a job, and stability and he needs to figure it out and find a place to live. I haven't felt the quietness of my home in so long. I am in the middle of doing some minor renos, and painting. I got a new couch...still not delivered but the thought of him slobbering with his messes just infuriates me and i go to so much effort to make my place a home and he just continues to be a slob and have no regard that i work hard to provide a home and he has no respect for my property. Endless yelling, telling him to clean up after himself, brush his teeth! omg, it is insane what i put up with. Coming home not knowing what i am going to find. I need to enjoy the tranquility of my space and home and focus on me. I have done all i can for him. Up to him now.

I pray he finds the will to help himself. I am so afraid he will take his life as he attempted suicide in 2015.....i feel so powerless to help him but i know inside only he can get the help he needs. His grandmother i know will be upset knowing about this. I had told her before if she is so concerned, then step in to help and take him in as she had her enabled son. Of course =she says, she is too old.....well i have done my part and it is up to my son to figure it out. As hard as it is i am stepping back and he needs to take control. Of course the voices in my head...his medications are low, he needs to refill them, etc etc...voices don't stop but he is able bodied with 2 feet and resourceful when necessary. I told him he has the ability to steal and lie to me...he is able to figure it out. I hope i can stay strong and not give in to his pleads for help. I feel he is drowning and trying to take me down with him.

Thoughts and advice to help me through this is most welcome. These days are going to be hard. Thanks for listening.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi.

Sorry you are hurting.

Your help has not helped himself as you frantically try to help him. He wont even follow rules in places you rent and pay for. Obviously you are more concerned about him having a place to stay than he is. You cant change somebody else, not even a loved one. They have to do it and he is abusing you. Just like if he were an abusive spouse. Its domestic abuse. Has he ever hit uou? Shoved you? Threatened you? If your husband acted like your son you would call it sbuse. It IS abuse. Domestic abuse.

Depression is no excuse. I have a diagnosis of both depression/anxiety. These common problems are treatable and dont cause anyone to be abusive. That comes from him and who he is.

Psychiatric medications cause weight gain and extreme hunger. I was always a stick but gained 80 pounds taking an anti depressant. I did lose most of it, but it was incredibly hard and I have to still watch it. For my first time ever I learned what it is like to crave food and be overweight. I have a lot of willpower too about food, but this was different. I would not bug him about his weight or he may just throw out the medications. Mood stabilizers like Depakote and Lithium also cause weight gain big time. Anti psychotics, like Risperdal, are horrible too and make you feel hungry all the time. Your son is young. He can lose weight later, when he is hopefully in a better place.

You dont mention drugs but his behavior mirrors drug use/addiction. Stealing for drug money is common. Not wanting to work or be productive is common with drug use, even or maybe especially pot.

Your house should be a sanctuary in my opinion.this young adult man is not benefitting from your efforts to help him. Let his choices go and, if you have a higher power, give him to your higher power.

I think your husband is right. Do you see a therapist to help you cope? Most of us get some sort of help to learn to be good to ourselves and to detach with love from our ungrateful, dependent but abusive adult kids. Its too hard to do without help.

Somehow, even if we wouldnt accept a verbal or physical punch from a spouse, we tend to take it from adult children partly because maybe we feel we caused this dysfunction or because we still see our adult child as a little child and we hurt for them. Or we take the outcome of their lives personally. And, of course, even when they are awful, we love them unconditionally. But they are grown.

Their adult choices have nothing to do with us. Their guilting words are part of their abuse. They feel entitled even if they are 35 years old. Its insane.

Take care of yourself first. You earned it. Love and light!