My abusive adult daughter

[magnolia26]

Hi. I'm sorry you're going through this but I want to send you love and light and support to help you stand your ground. You have given 31 more years of help and support than you are obligated to have given. No parent deserves to be nickel and dime to death. No 52 year old has a single problem in the world that he or she can blame on a parent. I hope that you continue to keep your boundaries firm and take care of yourself and your well being.

 

[GStorm]

Posted on behalf of @Mll

I am so happy to have found this forum. I have been battling with hurt feelings over a daughter who has lashed out at me and blaming me for everything that is wrong in her life.

She is 52 and I have allowed her to drain me both financially and emotionally. She constantly tries to manipulate me with guilt trips, but this last time I have just had it! Her last comment after berating me was “you are dead to me”. Very hurtful. It has been almost 3 weeks since I had anything to do with her and I intend to keep it that way as I am too old and too tired of being treated this way. She is dredging up all kinds of things from the past. She says I had her in daycare, was never there for her and on and on. Her son passed away 5 years ago from an overdose and she blames me for that as well. She constantly throws him in my face saying if it were him I would do such and such. I was the only one he could count on when he got on drugs and I probably could have handled it differently but I did the best I could and I loved him.

I am now in my 70’s and working two jobs to keep my head above water and yet she had no trouble asking for money. She sold her car and didn’t have one so I went out of my way to allow her to use mine, but I need it for work. I could go on and on about things that have happened but I would be writing a book. I have had it!

STICK TO YOUR GUNS!!!

 

[Mll]

It has been quite awhile since I posted. Here’s the latest update. My daughter sent me a note in the mail to apologize for all of the mean things she said. I didn’t feel it was sincere so I didn’t reply. In fact I started having heart palpitations just from thinking about her being in my life.
She sent a text on Mother’s Day to wish me a good day and I replied “thank you”. Then I got a mother’s day card 2 days after mother’s day that was very generic and signed “love always”. Again I sent a text saying thank you. Then my birthday came and she sent a text and another generic card and I thanked her - very short. About 2 weeks ago she sent me a text to say she was thinking about me and missed me. She went on to say that I didn’t have to respond. I waited a couple of days and then acknowledged that she had text and told her that I still had the tapes from her running in my head over and over and didn’t know how long it would be before I got past it. Kept it very short but again felt as though she must want something from me. Haven’t heard back from her. I am still so hurt and the idea of getting back into a relationship with her and being used gives me a panic attack. I would like to have a relationship with her but I don’t trust her. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
“Huggs”
Mll

 

[Triedntrue]

I dont know if your daughter is sincere but i have my doubts. My son reached out to me but when i reacted for my grandaughters sake i realized that although he was trying to hide it it would not be long before we were right back to the manipulation and being used so i backed away. I have 2 other sons so i know it is harder for you. Your heart got upset when she contacted you i would listen to that and stay the course.

 

[BusynMember]

I forgot your story so I read it to refresh my memory and now I will state my .02 opinion because it's just a guess.

When they are 20 and maybe even.up to 30 for some adult kids, I think they can sincerely have an awakening. But as they age, the past is very much a predictor of the future.

Frankly to me your daughter sounds plain awful, even dangerous. I don't think she is suddenly sunshine and roses.

At least at McDonalds, I bought my first senior coffee at 55. The 50s do not normally spawn sudden personality changes unless one is in very serious therapy and eager to learn because there is no age you stop learning. But it is far harder to change on your own without guidance, as you age.

If you open up to her please do it with no expectations. Dont let your guard down. Ever. She is who she is. It may well be that she wants something. Is she concerned about being in your will or being your guardian if you get sick to take control of your money? Be careful. Sometimes lost loved ones suddenly come back all smiles as we age, and it isn't about us.

In the meantime work hard on being nice to YOU for the rest of your life. That is my .02

Love and.light.

 

[Tanya M]

I can relate to how you feel. I too do not know if I will ever be able to trust my son. He will be released from prison in the fall some time. He is 2000 miles away from where I live but that does not mean that I don't have thoughts of him showing up on my doorstep. I have gone through the scenario in my mind of what I would do if that were ever to happen. Having a plan in place has helped to keep me calm and to not obsess on the idea.
I agree with you that she may be trying to soften you up because she wants something. After your own child has been so abusive and mean, trusting them again is not something that comes easy.
Try and stay focused on YOU!! Be good to yourself.

((HUGS))

 

[GStorm]

Good Morning I have not logged in for awhile. I was reading these posts & thinking about my own son this morning. He has not called since Mother's Day. I called about 2 weeks ago and left a message & I have not heard from him. I have felt good about letting him go& getting on with my life, but as late, i
am missing him & feeling hurt that he did not return my call. But what can I do? Nothing. Just keep him in my prayers. keep taking care of myself, and LET GO...AND LET GOD.
GStorm

 

[New Leaf]

Hi GS, so sorry for your need to be here, but nice to “see” you.

He has not called since Mother's Day. I called about 2 weeks ago and left a message & I have not heard from him. I have felt good about letting him go& getting on with my life, but as late, i am missing him & feeling hurt that he did not return my call. But what can I do? Nothing. Just keep him in my prayers. keep taking care of myself, and LET GO...AND LET GOD.
GStorm

It can be extra hard when our d cs go no contact. I do the same, keep them in my prayers, let go and let God.
You are not alone.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[GStorm]

Hi GS, so sorry for your need to be here, but nice to “see” you. It can be extra hard when our d cs go no contact. I do the same, keep them in my prayers, let go and let God.
You are not alone.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

Thank you, Leafy!
Prayers for you as well.

 

[Triedntrue]

Prayers to you gstorm

 

[Tired out]

This makes me so sad and mad for you..and for me. I am 57 and hoping my 21yr old stops the bull..yours is 52..I can't go through 31 more years of this, odds are I wouldn't live that long 89(wooow) . Then I think your daughter is only 5 years younger than me. Adopt me. I will be your daughter instead. I wish my mom was still alive and only in her 70s, what a gift that would be! I agree that I can't imagine she can miraculously change at 52, and realize and repent for being so awful. Don't let her shorten your life by stressing you out.
Prayers and hugs for you.