How do I cope with this? I'm feeling guilty that I am abandoning my daughter. I hate the thought of her being out on the street in below freezing temps. I know the homeless shelter is overcrowded and she's got a slim chance of getting in and even if she could, she would turn it down because they wouldn't let her stay with her boyfriend.
Please try to look at this another way. I did when my son left. I didn't actually make him leave. He was screaming in my face, in a threatening way, because he had been horrible all day and I told him his friend had to leave. This was a twenty year old man who liked to scream me into intimidation, get into my space, lift his fist (like he was about to punch me) and loomed large to me, at five feet tall. My husband was not home from work yet. I told him his friend had to leave.
He said: "If HE leaves, I leave!!!!"
Before this the idea of ever telling my own c hild to leave never crossed my mind, although my son had been very abusive even as a young child and had been receiving help since very little with no results. Now he DID work so I knew he could get a decent job. He was smart. But he scared me and his sister, age eight, when we were alone without husband. So I replied calmly (I was always pretty good at responding to him in a calmer way) "That is your decision, but if you do, you can't come back." I don't where I got the bravery for t hose words. I was basically until then the biggest doormat and wuss. But I had had it. My little girl had had it. She used to hover behind furniture when he got mean and threatening. He swore loudly, called us horrible names, stole, lied, was verbally aggressive and even spat at me. No drugs here. This was just him. A budding Narcissist, although I did not k now the word at the time. He only cared about himself.
He left. I'm sure he thought I'd let him back in. I never did.
My son made the decision to leave. I did not throw him out.
Your daughter made the decision t o leave too. Let me explain.
You have simple, easy rules of civility and respect and cleanliness in your home, which is your sanctuary. It is not your daughter's home. She didn't buy it. One day maybe she will have a place of her own, but your house is a place you allowed her to stay, even under horrible circumkstances, after she turned eighteen. All she had to do in order to stay there was a few things that almost every twenty year old is eager and willing to do: Not trash your house, basically speak with respect, if she is able get a job, if she is disabled or can only work a job that does not pay enough to sustain her I'm sure you would have been happy to help her get social security help and other services (we all are eager to help), and maybe we asked that she be sober, at least in your house. And no asking a boyfriend to freeload off of you. I don't know if he lived with you or not, but it is reasonable to tellthem "no" if t hey ask for anyone else but family to live in your house then scream if you won't do it. Has she ever pushed or hit you o r broken your furniture or put holes in walls? It is reasonable for us to expect everyone who lives with us to treat our things well.
Ok, so obviously your daughter couldn't even or wouldn't even follow a few easy rules that almost all family members abide by in our homes. Guess what? Your home/your rules. SHE chose to leave by refusing to act decently. SHE did. You didn't one day just throw out an innocent, sweet young woman. I don't know what caused it, but it wasn't that. And THEN she got help from you paying for an apartment. I don't like this option simply because I've been on this very board for fifteen years and have never heard of an adult child (at least not one who brings us to this forum) who respects an apartment that is given to him or is thankful for the help. They get evicted. They stop working. They throw parties. It does noto occur to them that there are rules in somebody elses place anymore than that there are rules in our home. They do exactly what they want to do. Rules are for others. Once they get thrown out, they come back to us, the parents they abuse, a nd cry pathetically or demand money for another place to stay. Our kids are also resourceful. Although they can't sleep t here, there are tewenty four hour Walmarts, laundromats, hotels, hospital lobbies where they probably CAN get some shut eye and other places that stay open all the time. I lived near OHare Airport and the homeless flocked there and many got some quality sleep before/until they were told to leave. Your daughter also probably has "friends" to stay with and won't tell you because she wants the money. NEVER give her cash. EVER. Pay for anything you are generous enough to come up w ith on your own.
"Do you know it's below zero out today??? And you won't give me money for a hotel?"
Well, the thing is, they are chosing to be out in that horrible weather, if indeed t hey don't really have a place to stay and are just trying to get money out of us. They couch surf well. Your daughter could stay in a shelter, BUT she doesn't want to follow the rules. So she is saying "No thanks" to the shelter. Anad that's her decision.
The common theme with all these adult kids is that t hey wn't follow rules, even to be warm. They are so chipped on their shoulders and rebellious that they refuse to abide by civil rules in place for t he safety of all who are there, including our homes. Your daughter would still live withl you if she had been decent. She chose not to be. Her decision. And if she drags the worthless boyfriend everywhere, that's two that have to be put up, also her choice. She'd rather be cold, if indeed she really has nowhere to stay.
If you were sick, would she come running home to nurse you back to health? Of course not. These adult kids want one way relationships. It goes like this: You take care of me, even if I'm 35 and on crack, and I do nothing for you. I often don't even ask how you are doing. If I do ask, I really don't care. I demand t hat I can count on you. But you can't ever count on me. You are horrible mother for (fill in the blanks about the bogus reason) and I hate you. Or at times when they want something "I love you." Then you say no and they hate you again.
We are not dealing with normal young adults. I have three normal, loving, thriving, giving young adults. This is not how they behave. Emotionally young or not your daughter could still have empathy. Their own behavior helps keep them emotionally young. They don't want an adult mother/child relationship. They want a mommy. My son is 39. He still wants a mommy. Fortunately, he has a good job and a house, but he is totally incapable of doing life and is still mean. And I spent every year he allowed trying to get him help. Now I know. If people don't want help or don't acknowledge something is wrong, they will not get better. I accept it now and my life is good. I had to accept that I can't control or change him. And we can't. Even if we get them to do something that could be positive, it only works if they decide to work at it. Rehab is useless if she won't try hard to get clean. She may go, but will she stay sober? Same with mental health facilities or educational opportunities. They can go, but will they try hard enough to succeed? Usually, from what I see, they don't succeed if we force it...only if THEY decide "I'm ready." It has to be up to them.
They don't do what they won't do and you can't push them into doing anything they refuse to do. They may do the trimmings, but it takes hard work to get better. I have mental health issues. I had to work my butt off to get to such a good place. I had to willingly get help from professionals and work on it sometimes 24/7. It was a priority in my life. I did not like being sick. It's not as easy as just going to get help. It's the driving need to want to be ones best self.
So I hope you are not hard on yourself. You have gone above and beyond what the mother (not mommy) of a 20 year old can do. Remember that 20 isn't THAT young. Most 20 year olds are working a sustainable full time job, or in college, or fighting for our country...not begging mommy for a handout and being rude and violent to those who love them the most. I am glad I have three awesome kids so I don't doubt myself. I have a comparison. One of my special angels has a form of autism. He works his butt off and is NOT rebellious or filled with self pity. He always had a positive attitude. It's like he was born positive. He will never be on the streets. He works so hard, has two part time jobs, and is loved by all. He decided he wanted his own place and we helped him get it. He pays for it 100% out of his SSI and jobs. He also pays for his cell phone and water. He is very proud of himself and happy in his skin. He is doing well. Very well. So are my other two adult kids. My youngest and my autistic son have never ever called me a mean name....ever. Can you believe that? My oldest daughter once did drugs, so she was hard for a while, but she decided to quit twelve years ago, now went back to college, owns a house, is with her SO of twelve years, and is the sweetest daughter now....with my precious grandchild. What a great mother she is. Her daughter comes first. She never parties or leaves her daughter behind. The father is a great father too. She is both a cosmetologist and a pastry chef and paid for her own school fees and paid off her loan.
It is untrue that ALL adult kids or even teens swear at you, and treat you like Kryptonite!! It's just what our more disturbed teens and adult kids try to sell us. "All teens act like me." Um, so wrong. If this were true, we'd have no military, colleges would be empty, and there would be plenty of good jobs for the picking. Most are very eager to grow up and try hard to do so in a decent way. The older they remain unfocused and rebellious, the more they get used to it and some never change. Sad fact. Good fact. My daughter who quite drugs at 19 is not alone. Some decide "This life sucks. I'm changing." The younger they change, the better the overall outcome!!!
Your daughter chose her fate. You did not chose it for her. She had a choice.
Big hugs and thanks for joining us. Keep posting. It helps. We care!!! And when I say we care, I mean every single one of us. All the time
