My husband and I are Detaching

scent of cedar

New Member
Mechdonna, have you talked, or written, to your son?

Maybe you can shame him into leaving the friend's house. From your postings here, I am very sure he was not raised to do what he is doing, now.

What an awful situation ~ but a warning to us all.

Cedar
 

Mechdonna2

Mechdonna2
Every time I have talked to him is very irrational. He does not remember anything he has said from a previous conversation. I believe the spice is messing up his reasoning ability. He took out a protective order against me and my friend. He lied under oath saying that we assaulted him. Therefore, I don't believe trying to talk to him will help anymore.
 

Tiredof33

Active Member
MD,
When my son was thrown out by the girlfriend's mother he did stay out. I was really surprised as he had zero place to go (lied about all shelters being full) and was sleeping in the woods. He had called the police after girlfriend came after him with a knife and girlfriend was send to detox. I guess the mother was use to the situation as she went on a week long cruise. Good for her!!

Then my son was clear headed, talking about restarting his life, had passed a computer cert (while sleeping in the woods no less) and easy child friends in another town offered to help him start over. I sent $$$ and paid for tickets for him to move there, he was calling, optimistic about jobs etc., for about a month, then he told me he was going to work with a friend and would be traveling around.

Then the weird posts on FB started and the aggressive suicidal posts (which I completely think were posted to get girlfriend's attention) then he friended girlfriend on FB and I lost track of him for a month and he reappeared back where he had started from. When I finally did hear from him all he wanted was money and when I confronted him about being back with girlfriend he lied.

His last message was that I was the liar and I was the one harassing girlfriend. At that point, like you, I realized that all conversation, messages, whatever, were pointless, the only thing he wanted to hear from me is when I would send the money. It is so obvious when my difficult child has gone back to drugs and alcohol.

As difficult as it is, this will be over soon for your friend. We cannot understand staying some place that we are not wanted. They are not thinking clearly and it is heartbreaking to know that they can turn on us, but they can.

The only reason my difficult child left the home was he probably didn't now about the eviction laws. The puzzling part to me was from everything I had seen before he went no contact, the mother had let the girlfriend and him back into her home. As far as where he is now, I have no clue, as much as he and girlfriend fight, if they don't kill each other I can't see them staying together.

If I was your friend I would turn off the AC and lock it so they aren't comfortable, put as much as I could into someone's garage until they leave, and stop buying groceries, take as much as she can out of the home so they are not as comfortable as they appear to be.

I finally learned that I can not 'help' my son - so I have stopped - I just pray that one day he will call me from a treatment program.

This too will end!
(((hugs and blessings)))
 

Mechdonna2

Mechdonna2
Tiredof33,

I am praying that your son and my son will come to their senses one day. Thanks for your support and keep us posted. I believe that there is much suffering on this earth. We really have to appreciate the brief moments of peace and happiness.
 

Mechdonna2

Mechdonna2
Update: difficult child and his girlfriend are still in my friend's home. My friend is now angry with me. She is saying "I pushed to get them in her home." Last June, once I realized they were using drugs in her home, I told her to get them out as soon as possible. She disagreed at that time and wanted to let them stay there until the end of August. Soon afterwards, difficult child became rude to her on a regular basis. Of course, I did not push to get them in her home.

She wants me to get them a motel room while we go through the eviction process. I am paying for an attorney and I am giving her money for their utilities. Last June, my husband and I decided we would not give them money or lodging. We would only talk to difficult child is he had been in recovery for months. Would you pay for a hotel room under these conditions?

I can see them selling the room to someone and going right back into my friend's house. My son told my friend that "he is not backing down." They have not paid rent to my friend for the last two weeks.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Don't let her blame you. You are all adults here and she had the ability to put her foot down. It isn't your fault unless you didn't tell her what was going on with him. Even then, she never had to take him in and I wouldn't pay a fortune because she's upset that he's there now. She can evict him. It's the only way he will REALLY leave. Like you said, he will just sell his motel room. Has she turned him in to the police for using drugs or vandalizing or doing anything legally wrong?

Unless you held a gun to your friend's head, you didn't force her to take these two into her home, even if you begged her. But I hope you learned not to try to help them. The cost is too high to everyone with these adult kids. I would not ever trust them until they are clean for five years straight and even then there can be relapses...in short, you will always have to be very careful with him.

I hope this resolves itself and the two of them leave on their own. Can't she make it so miserable for them that they go? Why not blast old fashion music or run the vacuum at 6am outside of their room or make sure all the food is locked up, etc. I doubt any judge will have much pity for them once they go to court. DO NOT FUND THEM A LAWYER!
 

scent of cedar

New Member
That is a great idea, MWM.

What else could the friend do to make them uncomfortable? Remember that old joke about the woman who wanted her ex-husband out of their house, and so she put raw shrimp into the curtain rod pole? Something like that might work, if the two of them are gone together and she has access.

Or if a dead fish could be dropped behind the headboard or stuffed between the mattresses.

I am sorry your friend is angry. You are doing all you can do.

Cedar
 

Mechdonna2

Mechdonna2
Thanks for your suggestions. They never leave the bedroom together while my friend is in the house. I told her to cut off their cable, but she has not done this so far. She told the county deputies about their drug use. They don't seem to care. She has a protection order against my difficult child, since he threatened her. In error, a 30-day notice to vacate was given to them. Since they had an written agreement to leave on 8/3, the court is saying that the 30-day eviction notice dated 8/6 has extended their stay. Now I am asking the lawyer to give them a five-day notice to pay or quit. They have not paid rent since 8/2, so I am thinking thay may speed up the process. I just don't know. I am waiting for the lawyer's advice. She is inexperienced and made an error when she told me to give them the 30-day notice.

I am now at the point that if my friendship is over, so be it. I have done the best I can do.
 

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
You've done the best you can. Even though it is certainly understandable that your friend would be upset, she is the one who took the action that lead to this, not you. You warned her and she didn't listen. You've done enough now.

In my own recent experience I've found that the act of detaching from our children and the changes and in fact healing that takes place as a result, has also opened up doors to look differently at other relationships. In doing so, I've seen where a similar dynamic, some form of enabling or putting up with negative behavior has been present in other relationships and I can see it now. It has been disconcerting, however, it makes sense too..............if you change your own behavior and set limits on how you want to be treated with your own child, you change something in yourself which is now not willing to tolerate certain behaviors. Perhaps your friend, who is blaming you for something which is not your fault, falls in to that category.

It may be prudent for you to look at the situation differently, through the eyes of your new self, someone unwilling to tolerate bad behavior, no matter WHO it comes from. When we stop the enabling, we stop thinking we are responsible for what others do, we stop thinking it's our fault, we're able to distinguish where to draw the boundary between what we are actually responsible for and what we are not. You are not responsible for what has happened to your friend, she is. It sounds as if she is an enabler too. difficult child's know who to target.

If your attorney is inexperienced and is giving bad advice, it may also be prudent to attempt to retrieve your money back and let her go. She is not representing you well. It may just be time for you to walk away from the whole mess that others have created for themselves.
 

Mechdonna2

Mechdonna2
I have to agree with your advice. My friend has gotten over her anger for now. We have decided to "fire" the attorney and find one who is better. I sure hope we end this living arrangement soon.
 

helpangel

Active Member
Years ago when my "house guests from he!!" were walking all over me I invited Aunt Pearl to come for an extended stay; was just wondering any chance you could camp out at friends house till difficult child & girlfriend leave? I'm sure you know how to push your son's buttons... picking up one of those NA books might provide interesting material to read out loud (emphasis on LOUD)

Good luck to you and your friend; my house guests ended up staying 6 weeks, gave me $130, ran up a $800 phone bill and stole just about everything that wasn't nailed down.

Nancy
 

Mechdonna2

Mechdonna2
I have good news! Once my friend went to court to get a protective order, my difficult child and his girlfriend decided to leave her house! We are both so relieved. No more lawyer. My friend had a couple of locks rekeyed. They only had keys to two locks.

I am sad that the difficult child and his girlfriend have no plans to recover from their addictions. But, it will not be our problem until difficult child has been a treatment center for months. I will not talk to him before that. How sad.
 
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DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
That is good news but I would still be on alert. At your son's age I wouldnt pay for anything. The faster they have to stand on their own two feet the better.
 

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Glad to hear it. I agree with Janet, keep your guard up, difficult child and girlfriend may continue attempting help from you and your friend. But, I am glad they're gone now. I hope you and your friend can now resume your lives..........
 

Mechdonna2

Mechdonna2
Yes, we are going on with our lives. Once my friend and I realized difficult child and his girlfriend were using drugs in her garage, I told her that she needed to ask them to leave her home. She decided to allow them to stay until August. I told her in June that it was a dangerous situation, and she should not wait to ask them to leave. She had a trip to CA planned for the end of August. Now she is saying that I "put pressure on her to allow them in her home." She wants me to pay the change fee for her flight and to pay for most of the cost of rekeying door locks. She wants me to come up with $300. I told her I would do it, but it does seem unfair.
 

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Your friend made choices just like your difficult child. You shouldn't pay for her bad choices. I can understand you wanting to help since it's your son, but you're not responsible for her ignoring what you said and moving forward against your wishes. Personally, I think you're being taken advantage of. As I've witnessed in my own life, once we make these difficult choices with our kids, others in our lives begin to look suspicious as well. You might want to examine this relationship with your friend to see if you have any enabling tendencies with her. She really has no right to blame you and ask you to pay for anything. You're right, it is entirely unfair. Perhaps pay her and then slip out of that connection. You deserve better friends!
 

Mechdonna2

Mechdonna2
Yes, I did pay her the $300. I don't feel the same about our friendship. We are now in our late 50's. I am wondering if she is having emotional issues that are worsening with age. I have spent some time with her lately. I told her I did not want to discuss my difficult child. She kept bringing up the subject as if she has no control! Time will tell, but I can see that we are drifting apart.
 

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Gee, I'm sorry Mechdonna2, it's tough at our age to go through these relationship losses, friends are such valuable assets for all of us and the end of a friendship is difficult. However, sometimes as we change, certain connections become a casualty of our growth. Hang in there......
 
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