My only son.

[Mom]

Hon, my experience as one who adopted overseas, from foster care, and privately once is that social workers do understand the problems we have with adopting older children who have been in our horrible foster care system, and often abused there since there is really very little oversight. They just don't tell eager-to-love prospective adoptive parents because they need to get a certain number of children in adoptive homes...and once they are there, you can kiss their interest good-bye. There is really no difference in behavior between kids from overseas who lived in an orphanage and got no love or attention a nd kids who lived in three different foster homes and got no love and attention...or worse fell in love with a foster family, then were forced to leave...for no logical reason. I've done foster care. I quit. It is not for the child at all. Also, kids from both orphanages and in foster care have a high likelihood of having been exposed to substances pre-birth, which causes brain differences or actual damage.

I feel sorry for those who adopted especially from Russia. All that money, mostly because the kids are Caucasian (I calls it like I sees it) and t hey have not done well here, many having fetal alcohol syndrome. Of course, as always, there are the wonderful exceptions to the rules. Usually, though, infant adoption is by far more bonding than adopting a child whose brain is already developed. And I have the battlescars to prove it.

The child I adopted from foster care, who actually is very sweet and loving, was his birthmother's fifth child. The grandmother had custody of the others, but said she could not take another child since the last one wasn't much older than my son. It was lucky for y son th at he was able to come here and get the help he needed as he was delayed and has high functioning Autism Spectrum Disorders (Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)). He had cocaine in his system at birth, had syphilis (treated) and open hert valve surgery at a few months old (luckily very successful). He was two when we got him, but had only been in one foster home and very loved and it showed. His birthmother walked out of the hospital as soon as she gave birth to him...so much for her. She probably kept having kids. I have my own opinions on that. I think you know them.

Good Lord! What is wrong with people! My husband and consider children a gift from God. I am in VA visiting my 1st grandchild and I just found out my car was stolen and my house broken into. I called the group home where my son is staying till his court date. He ran away. They didn't even bother to tell us. I guessing it was him.

 

[BusynMember]

Press charges. There is probably proof he was there. It's not like they use common sense or anything...

I'm so very, very, very sorry. How horrible for you. Hug that grandbaby and count your blessings. Never forget them. That's what gets me through life.

 

[Tanya M]

Oh no!! That is terrible. I'm so sorry. It probably was him in which case I would let the police know you suspect him.
On the better side how wonderful that you are spending time with your grandbaby. They are so special. Don't let what happened tarnish this very special time.
((HUGS)) to you and one for that little grandbaby!!

 

[Estranged2015]

Thanks. When people judge us, I tell them to walk a mile in my shoes!

So, so hard when people judge. Your situation is so difficult, nobody can understand and nobody has a right to judge.

I hope you will keep yourself safe from this son --- he could be dangerous. Can't CPS step in and remove him, since he is endangering his family?

 

[Mom]

So, so hard when people judge. Your situation is so difficult, nobody can understand and nobody has a right to judge.

I hope you will keep yourself safe from this son --- he could be dangerous. Can't CPS step in and remove him, since he is endangering his family?

Ironic isn't it? They believe they are protecting him from us. That is why we have to go to court. Good news though, they found my car last night It is gross, apparantly he threw a party in it, so my husband is taking it in to be detailed. Not sure how much it will cost to be rekeyed. Unfortunately, Joey is still in the area and evading police.

 

[Tanya M]

I'm glad they found your car. It's a shame you have to go to the expense of having it re-keyed. It's so aggravating that our Difficult Child do not understand the cost we the parents have to bear because of their poor choices.
Hopefully the police will find him soon.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Thanks. When people judge us, I tell them to walk a mile in my shoes!

In your own heart, you need to know too that the people judging you literally have no clue about what this experience you are battling your way through with your child involves. You have faced and forgiven harsher truths about this child that you love than the parent of a more typical child can even imagine.

Even so, again and again, you have chosen to respond with love, courage, and faith in your child.

And again and again, in big things and in meaningless little things, the child betrayed both you and your faith in him.

I don't know why we can't reach them, why it is that we cannot change what they see or how they feel. I do know that, for each of us, there finally comes a time when we no longer believe we can make a difference for them. There are those who say we finally stop believing in our superhuman power to change things, or to control things. I say we did not set out to be superhuman or controlling.

We set out to love a child.

Cedar

 

[Mom]

In your own heart, you need to know too that the people judging you literally have no clue about what this experience you are battling your way through with your child involves. You have faced and forgiven harsher truths about this child that you love than the parent of a more typical child can even imagine.

Even so, again and again, you have chosen to respond with love, courage, and faith in your child.

And again and again, in big things and in meaningless little things, the child betrayed both you and your faith in him.

I don't know why we can't reach them, why it is that we cannot change what they see or how they feel. I do know that, for each of us, there finally comes a time when we no longer believe we can make a difference for them. There are those who say we finally stop believing in our superhuman power to change things, or to control things. I say we did not set out to be superhuman or controlling.

We set out to love a child.

Cedar

Amen!

 

[Estranged2015]

In your own heart, you need to know too that the people judging you literally have no clue about what this experience you are battling your way through with your child involves. You have faced and forgiven harsher truths about this child that you love than the parent of a more typical child can even imagine.

Even so, again and again, you have chosen to respond with love, courage, and faith in your child.

And again and again, in big things and in meaningless little things, the child betrayed both you and your faith in him.

I don't know why we can't reach them, why it is that we cannot change what they see or how they feel. I do know that, for each of us, there finally comes a time when we no longer believe we can make a difference for them. There are those who say we finally stop believing in our superhuman power to change things, or to control things. I say we did not set out to be superhuman or controlling.

We set out to love a child.

Cedar

Right. It may be that wanting to help reveals the kind of messianic thinking and even narcissism suggested in comments like that AA person's "you must be very powerful!". ( I know that comment was helpful to the member of this discussion group to whom it was said, and that's great; but to me, I must admit, it sounds disingenuous and a little patronizing.). Cedar's point seems to me to be that we are all just trying to be parents, but our difficult children can make it impossible. It isn't necessarily true, I think, that we are that different from other parents. That's what I think at this minute, at least – sometimes I think my son could not be what he is today if I had not helped make it pay off for him in some way, if I had not been an enabler. I am trying to get my mind around that, in preparation for any further demands/pleas from him.

 

[BusynMember]

Well, I also believe we can't control anybody in the world except ourselves and that some people are just born with a difficult temperament and some have differently wired thinking. Since one can have five children, like I started out with (see GoneBoy in my signature) and they all turned out differently and in different ways, I don't think it's our parenting. I think it's how they are born to react to the world...lots of DNA...and that we can't change their different thinking. Now, THEY can realize they are different and decide to change, which requires hard work and lots and lots and lots of therapy, but five kids can have the same experience and all turn out differently.

The problem with enabling is that it does not give our differently wired adult children a reason to want to change and often this is while they are disrespecting everyone they live with by stealing, cussing us out, even attacking us.

If anything, those who made it to this board are exceptional, involved parents who did all they could for their children while they were growing up, including teaching them, nurturing them, and offering them lots of help. "Normal" teens look forward to independence from us and growing up. The adult kids who bring us to thins forum don't want to be independent. They seem to want us to support them forever. There is a lot in common amongst these adult kids!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

That's what I think at this minute, at least – sometimes I think my son could not be what he is today if I had not helped make it pay off for him in some way, if I had not been an enabler.

Remember Maya Angelou's "When we know better, we do better"? That is an okay thing to claim for ourselves. I agree with MWM that some of our kids are differently wired. You see that in the way they see other things in their lives, too.

This doesn't mean they are bad, or we are bad. It only means that we need to learn to parent them differently.

Enabling only becomes enabling when it doesn't work. Recognizing that helping isn't helping is a huge first step.

Now, our eyes are open.

You did not enable your child to have a differently wired brain, or to go ahead and use addictive drugs. You enabled him to finish school, to speak well, to read, to listen to music and exercise his body and eat good food and grow strong and tell the truth and practice compassion.

That is what you enabled.

It was not until your child was far enough away from your sphere of influence that bad choices were possible that he went ahead and made really bad choices. (Like mine did, too ~ this whole business of what I had done to create the situations our family found itself in has haunted me for years. That is how I know to tell you these true things I know, now.)

That was a key piece, for me.

When I was there with them, my children were pretty cool characters. It was only after they were away from home, away from me and their father, that they began making choices we had told them a thousand times not to make.

Guilty wondering about the parts we may have played in our children's addictions or mental illnesses weakens us. We need to be strong, if we are going to get everyone through this.

Some kids are wired differently.

We are good enough parents to learn how to parent them as they need to be parented. We need a little adjustment period, that's all. Learn all you can about detachment parenting.

That is helpful.

It is the only helpful thing I know.

That is the model for parenting difficult child kids. Allowing them to treat us disrespectfully, to steal from us or abuse us in any way helps no one. We need to be strong, and they need to be strong. The keystone there has to be self-respect. If we respect ourselves, the kids will pattern on that and respect themselves, too.

It isn't going to happen overnight.

For our kids, there is a fascination with "bad boys" or other risky behaviors. From what I read here, I understand that many of our kids are very bright and most are attractive and even, charismatic.

Again, we need to learn to parent them differently. With their gifts, parenting them should have been a breeze.

Instead, it's a nightmare.

We need to learn to say, "You can do this. You are fine. This is what you chose. I told you the rules. You are strong enough. There is nothing to be afraid of. I knitted you up a good brain ~ use it. You know better than to do what you are doing ~ walk away. No one said it would be easy.

"You chose to explore areas I cautioned you against. Changing your path will be difficult but you know what to do and you are strong enough, smart enough, to do it.

"I love you too much to help you self destruct."

In these ways, we can reclaim our legitimate selves.

And if we can learn to be strong ourselves, then we can be the strong parents our difficult child kids seem to need.

I think that is true. If the kids think you will save them, they will continue going a wrong way. If they are very sure you will not save them, they will not go so far down that path. Their bottom will come sooner.

Except that sometimes, if the addiction is very strong or the mental illness impossible to function through, then the bottom is very bad.

And that is very hard for everyone concerned.

But it is what it is.

That is why we have to choose to be stronger than we knew we could be.

None of this is easy.

Cedar

 

[Childofmine]

I am so sorry and I support your decision to step way back from him now. We understand here.

Please keep sharing your experience with us. We will share what we have learned, and you can take what you like and leave the rest.

Warm hugs to you and your family. It's time for you now.

 

[Mom]

L

Well, I also believe we can't control anybody in the world except ourselves and that some people are just born with a difficult temperament and some have differently wired thinking. Since one can have five children, like I started out with (see GoneBoy in my signature) and they all turned out differently and in different ways, I don't think it's our parenting. I think it's how they are born to react to the world...lots of DNA...and that we can't change their different thinking. Now, THEY can realize they are different and decide to change, which requires hard work and lots and lots and lots of therapy, but five kids can have the same experience and all turn out differently.

The problem with enabling is that it does not give our differently wired adult children a reason to want to change and often this is while they are disrespecting everyone they live with by stealing, cussing us out, even attacking us.

If anything, those who made it to this board are exceptional, involved parents who did all they could for their children while they were growing up, including teaching them, nurturing them, and offering them lots of help. "Normal" teens look forward to independence from us and growing up. The adult kids who bring us to thins forum don't want to be independent. They seem to want us to support them forever. There is a lot in common amongst these adult kids!

Check out brainplace.com! Has anyone had their child's brain scanned? As Dr. Amen says, " You are who you are when your brain is functioning normally'" Not that I can afford this and it is 10 hrs. away. Not to mention my son doesn't think there is anything wrong with him. But, I want someone to try this

 

[BusynMember]

My own opinion of Dr. Amen, and that of most of the medical community, is that he is a quack. No other doctor in the world can "see" what is wrong with our kids, but he can.

Just a suggestion. Don't worry about what is wrong with your son. At his age, it will be hard to get an accurate diagnosis because he is of age and can fudge th e testing (and I don't mean a PET scan).

Nobody else will try it because it has no valid science behind it, but Dr. Amen makes a lot of money from desperate parents.

 

[TerryJ2]

I agree. Sounds exciting, but it's still guesswork.
I'm thinking that the only thing that would show up on a brain scan is an undeveloped frontal lobe. Anybody with-ADHD would show that.
If you want to know if the person has something else, you really have to do a functional MRI or PET scan. IOW, show the areas that light up while the person is actually thinking something.
That is not what Dr. Amen does.
Here's a link to show how it works, and on whom:
http://www.livescience.com/39904-why-psychopaths-lack-empathy.html

 

[HeadlightsMom]

Mom (Florida Mom) -- First, welcome to the group. I'm sorry your current life circumstances bring you here, but glad you have found your way here for support.

First, know that you're not alone. I want to share with you that your situation is a LOT (merits CAPS) like ours. We adopted our son at age 6 (through foster care) and much of what your described we have experienced also. MUCH (also merits CAPS). He is our only son, also. In fact, he's our only child. We had 1 particular incident (though many other incidents came close) which we were also advised we HAD to have him live with us. My response was, "This is domestic violence..........So, it's ok for him to do at 17, but once he hits the magic 18 it's not?). Long story short, he assaulted my husband and the police carted him off.

Documentation is the best legal barricade and protection. I agree with what so many others have said.

We kept (and I still have -- hard copies and online) records of his violence in 4 areas of documentation: LEGAL, MEDICAL (including psychiatric evaluations and hospitalizations), EDUCATIONAL (school violence incidents), and SOCIAL (e.g. I have kept a letter he wrote when he was 18 about killing many people -- including us....knowing it greatly resembled a school letter from 5th grade where he threatened to kill all the teachers and wrote threats in his own blood in the time-out room (that was a grisly day -- he went to a behavioral diagnostic school -- expelled from all others in district).

In our state there is something called "YOUTH AT RISK PETITION". I don't know if it's a national legal option or not (I just looked it up and believe it's a national petition). If not under than name, but I'm guessing there's some equivalent. Some of it is intended to protect parents in situations such as yours. If you don't have one yet, look into it. It protected us, at least a little, on some fronts (like school issues -- Becca Bill stuff, here)

Also, you mentioned probation... Just a thought here.... Our son's 2nd probation officer flat-out accused us of being the problem (despite the fact that we'd only spoken with her once, over the phone). She then added, "Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." I told her that was not acceptable, she was wrong, and I asked to speak to her supervisor. We requested a new probation officer and the supervisor, herself, offered to take on our son. She was AWESOME! Many caseworkers may not be the fit, experience or mindset which is most helpful to you. Always know you can go above them. It may not work out every time, but it did work out well for us this last time (as we were accused of similar things as you) and we were very grateful for it!

My heart and prayers are with your for better days of peace ahead!

And may I just echo everyone's sentiment here........ You have the right to be safe in your own home....and safe everywhere!

Please keep us posted and know we support you! Be safe and I hope you can find a way to do something for your own R & R....something you enjoy!

PS -- Our son is 24 this documentation continues to be a help to us. FYI -- Our son was booted from our house at age 16 (had to get permission from the probation officer - the supervisor one, but she fully agreed!)

 

[2much2recover]

Well here are the Florida Statutes on Domestic Violence and he certainly is breaking the law, however the statutes also tell you what you need to do to protect yourself from the abuser (doesn't mention minors): http://www.leg.state.fl.us/statutes...tute&URL=0700-0799/0741/Sections/0741.30.html
Here is the number for the Florida Domestic Violence hotline, they should be able to provide you with additional information: http://www.fcadv.org/florida-domestic-violence-hotline-1-800-500-1119