My son is a bully!

[Jen]

Welcome to the board!

My son is my difficult child and he has anger issues also, so we too have holes in our walls, and dents on his car. He is too very manipulative. His manipulations anymore is words an actions we so desperatly want to hear he is doing, but is no where true.

My son has hit me in the face, adn pushed my mom, and has been mean to his wife. It not onlyh saddens, adn makes you fearful of them, but infuriates oneself, to know that person has that much power only because we are in too much shock, adn really dont have the energy to make them deal with the conseuquneces.

Jen

 

[morningcuppa]

Thanks for all your helpful advice.
I agree it is time he flew the nest. I have suggested this to him when he was in a reasonable mood and he said very honestly that none of his friends want to live with him as he is so totally disorganised. This is quite true. I think he would like to share with his friends but can understand they won't want this.

Ideally I am thinking that we need to lay down the ground rules here first. We will no longer tolerate any more damage or disrespect. We won't make excuses for him anymore. Then perhaps he will sort himself out and hopefully be a better room/flat mate.Failing any improvement he will have to doss temporarily with friends while he has agood think about how to live his life. Unfortunatly where we live rent is very very high and I can't see that he would be able to get a place on his own. He does pay us towards his keep.
I am feeling a bit proud that at least I stood my ground last night as I usually cave in. I suspect this is the cause of some of our problems and it is not helping any of us if I do this any more. So it's time for us to toughen up.
Sorry to hear your son has hit you Jen. It must be so scary.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

You say he already pays rent. That is good. Here are some things to remember when laying down the law:

Just as you would with a little kid, do NOT say anything that you won't follow through with. If you won't call the cops on him, don't tell him you will.

Be in union with your husband. This way he can't say "well dad said"...

Do not waver. Make your rules and stick to them.

Let him know that you know how expensive it is to pay rent. Let him know that if he wants to continue to live under your roof, he had better learn some respect and follow your simple rules, or he will be paying that very expensive rent.

You can do it!

Hugs

 

[morningcuppa]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Big Bad Kitty</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

You can do it!

Hugs </div></div>


Well you know I'm beginning to think I can - with the help of all the lovely people on this board. Bless you all.

It's good to be able to share this as it's not the sort of thing I will discuss with my friends.

 

[Kathy813]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">. . . it's not the sort of thing I will discuss with my friends. </div></div>

You know, I felt that way for a long time, too. I thought everyone else had easy child's (perfect children) and I didn't want to tell them about our problems with difficult child. It is very isolating to have to live like that.

I finally started opening up to close friends and was amazed to hear story after story of problems that they were having with their children also.

In fact, I'm come to believe that there isn't a family out there that doesn't have difficult child problems at one point or another.

While I didn't go into details with casual acquaintances when they asked how difficult child was doing (I usually replied with a joking remark like "oh, she's finding herself and it is going to kill me if she doesn't do it soon"), I started being honest with friends and coworkers that were close to me.

It felt like a burden being lifted off my shoulders. Of course, being active on the CD board helped immensely, too.

~Kathy

 

[SunnyFlorida]

In some places, the cost of living is so atrocious that is not so uncommon that families still live with one another or basically sharing rent.

I guess a question to ask yourself is, would you allow a roommate to behave the way your difficult child is acting in your home? If the answer is yes....one should consider getting professional help :smile:. If the answer is no :nonono:, that's where we're coming from :hammer:. Even someone who has cognitive deficiencies can learn to respect rules and boundries.

Understanding that it may get worse before it gets better is something to be mindful of also.

 

[morningcuppa]

Yes sunnyflorida (what a lovely name I suppose I could be rainybritain) if he were not my son he would have been long gone.

I stood up to him again this morning over just a minor issue but I stood firm and told him what I expect in future. He looked surprised but just said ok. He is probably wondering what has happened to his mum!

Thank you.

 

[meowbunny]

Oddly, he may like having a mom who is firmer and in more control. If your son is like my daughter, he is a very young 22 and probably more like 15 or 16 emotionally. If so, deep inside he may truly appreciate being stopped from being himself even though he will die before he admits it.

That doesn't mean there won't be battles, there will be if for no other reason than to save face. Since he seems to be so agreeable today, maybe it is time to have a talk and let him know there's a new constable in town -- one that won't tolerate the violence, abuse, bad behavior. For example, this constable will expect all damages to the home to be repaired thoroughly and completely within 30 days whether by him or a professional (if he does it and it is not up to standards, then he will have another 30 days to come up with the funds to have a professional repair the holes). Any further damage will be cause for an immediate eviction. Rudenss by him will be met with a jar held out and a fine being paid. Every curse word will be double the fine amount. Make the rules specific and ones you feel comfortable enforcing.

 

[morningcuppa]

Thanks for that, yes good advice. He's not so agreeable now!

We just had words about him ignoring members of the family when they spoke to him. (Younger son and girlfriend). I told him I expected him to show respect and at least say hello. He couldn't see why. Said he'd do as he liked. I said he could do that when he no longer lived with us. He threw the orange juice carton down the garden. I walked away.

I'm not sure if I won that one.

 

[morningcuppa]

I feel really shaky now. Think I need some tea!

 

[Sharon]

I have a son 17 year old son that is ADHD, ODD and Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) that has been recommended for a long term suspension from school this is his last year of school. I am very upset because I feel he is being treated unfair. The decision he made to approach another student for choking his younger brother is the reason for the long term suspension. They are wanting to send him to a facility were he will not get to graduate and receive a diploma but, receive a certificate of completion instead. The behavior manifested I believe is from his disability and him looking after his younger brother who came to hime crying because he had been choked.

 

[standswithcourage]

I understand. My difficult child is back in ourhome - we dont know for how long. So far he has not come in high, drunk, messed up. I told him not to bring pot near this house or I would call the police. I would call the police on everyone that had anything to do with it. He has not brough it around nor smoked it at least around my house. He has come home at decent hours and called me when he was going to be later. Today we will try and go to church. I am still walking on egg shells. My husband umpires softball on the side - he has a game today - my difficult child was complaining of not having the breakfast items he wanted and griping about what we had - my husband said well get a job move out and you can get anything you want! Slamed the door and left! Thanks a lot for leaving me here!

 

[jbrain]

Stands,
I think your husband has the right idea--I don't blame him one bit for being fed up. You have put your 24 yr old son ahead of your husband and marriage. Your son acts the way he does because you allow it and your husband is stuck in the middle.
Jane

 

[morningcuppa]

Stands
Your son sounds like mine and I am aware that he has come between my husband and me at times with his manipulation. Perhaps next time you might try going out with husband and both leaving son to moan to himself.
It's tricky though as I am discovering.

Good luck

 

[goldenguru]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I walked away. I'm not sure if I won that one. </div></div>

You disengaged. You walked away. Mom one - son zero!!

It isn't much fun to throw anger around when no one is watching and responding.

Good for you!!

 

[meowbunny]

Once he's cooled down a bit, you might want to have him pick up the OJ container and clean any mess made by it. You did good by walking away. You didn't engage, you didn't let it escalate.

As to why he should say good morning to his sibling and guests, it is simple courtesy. If he can't be bothered, there is no reason why ANYONE in the house should bother with him. Maybe if he is totally ignored for a day or so he might see why he should be courteous to others.

Good luck! It is not easy changing the rules at any time, even less so with an immature "adult." I'm in that process now and it certainly makes for some interesting conversations and arguments. I am learning to walk away, even get out when necessary.

I am learning that I deserve to be treated with respect and courtesy. I think teaching my daughter this is easier than convincing myself I don't deserve to be treated with such disrespect. I should not be grateful when she does what should be done in any home. I should not walk on my tiptoes to keep from upsetting her. I should be able to say no without a battle. Slowly and surely, I am learning this. As I learn it, I teach it to my daughter. Slowly and surely you will learn this, too. Hopefully, your son will also learn. If he doesn't, then it is truly time for him to fend for himself even if he has no real place to call home.

 

[morningcuppa]

Oooh thank you! thank you! for the encouragement.

He went to his room after the orange juice flinging and fell asleep for several hours. He has come down completely different. Quite chatty and wanted to watch tv with me even a programme I like that he is usually scornful of! WOW!

Usually I am scared of confrontation. I think I am a very easy person to get along with and will be friends with anyone. I now think I have been far far too easy on him. You are so right meowbunny we do deserve to be treated wit respect.

I expect him to return greetings given to him as you are right it is just good manners. A scowl will not do any more.

I'm so pleased I found this place with all you helpful people.

Thank you. x

 

[SunnyFlorida]

Cuppa, remember...it's not about winning. You walked away and didn't become engaged during a confrontation :bravo:

It's not easy, what's easy is getting sucked in to that drama!

Change happens slowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

In the archives is a list of statements that have helped many of us. We use these "answers" and then make haste and stew about it somewhere else where difficult child's can't hear us :smile:

 

[morningcuppa]

I've just found the list you mention. Thanks it's really useful. I think I'll print a copy and memorize it!
I have some lovely bubble bath and candles for when I have to retreat! :bath: