This post is reminding me of an event last year with my son. A painful event. I was doing everything within my power to make him go to a clinic a few hours away to see a doctor about his liver. He was born with liver disease. Every. single. thing. he was resisting. (Guess who won.) So the train was late. 3 hours. On the way he almost got thrown off for mouthing off at the conductor in the food car. We got there. By that time I was sick. From stress. We were downstairs in the subway and I realized I could not go on. I told him: You go. You are late but you can tell the doctor what happened and show good faith. We had missed the appointment. I waited in a Peet's Coffee which is like Starbucks. A half hour later somebody at the next table said: your son is here. My son had been trying to get my attention from the doorway about 15' away and proceeded to talk to me from there. ?? I got up and went to him. Why are you shouting at me from the doorway? Because I hate myself and I do not feel I deserve to talk to you. What???? I was appalled. And frightened. Because it seemed such disordered thinking. (I go back and forth wondering how disturbed my son really is.) I do not believe such a thing would happen now--only 6 months later--the change in him is so great. And his feelings about himself seem to have moderated. He seems to less have a need to feel so badly about himself. I am not sure what shifted. Darkwing. You will find in yourself the reasons why. It may be when you are able to accept that you deserve loyalty; to be loved and protected. Or when you see over time that you give those things to your own children...you will have redeemed yourself in your own eyes. Or maybe, now, as you see the esteem and gratitude we feel for you, you will begin.