MySpace question: What would you do?

[Marguerite]

MWM, you said, "Although it does happen, I don't think it's THAT common in the US for, at least, middle class girls to have sex at 12 and 13."

I'm sorry to say it, but I understand (from what I have read/seen in the media as well as what my kids have told me) that is IS far more common than we like to think.

I think in our families with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) tendencies, we have kids more inclined to follow the rules as well as kids less likely to be pressured into early sex. Even so, easy child would have been 15 when she first had sex. easy child 2/difficult child 2 was 17. difficult child 1 was celibate until he got married last week - he and his new wife were repeatedly told by doctors, their minister, by other kids, that they were unique in this. Dinosaurs, as a doctor once told me.

Marg

 

[BusynMember]

Marg, I suspect you're right and it's more common than one likes to think, but even my 24 year old daughter who ran with the Wild and Crazy kids said it's not like most 12 year olds are doing it. This, of course, is in our community. And I'm sure there are exceptions. I'm just glad my daughter isn't doing that----yet. I have learned to never say never. I didn't think my oldest daughter would take drugs, and she certainly DID take drugs.
I keep a close eye on younger daughter, in large part because of older daughter. We have a close relationship. I am crossing my fingers for the best--so far she is not a difficult child although she does have her moments. But mostly she seems more AFRAID of the wild kids than wanting to be one of them. So we shall see.

 

[lillians]

it is inapropriate,,but todays kids say a lot of things that older us never did,,the mere music out there tells them its ok,, my son is 17 and i read his stuff,, the girls write horrid things,, so do the boys,,lots of girls 13-18 send him photos via web cam,, they wait til folks go out and cam away,, i promise yu i have read and seen,,it feels impersonal to them i think on the comp,, do yu have her on parental controls, do yu have her chats saved and have to sign for her to add someone,,

 

[BusynMember]

I have no doubt kids get away with plenty. We can't monitor everything they do and the older they get, the less we control them. And by 17, almost 18, they are practically legal adults.

 

[hearts and roses]

About a year or so before difficult child was kidnapped and sexually assaulted at 15, we caught her 'talking' on MySpace and AIM in inappropriate terms and in suggestive ways with her peers - all the kiddos were her age and they were both boys and girls. When I spoke with her I focused on the terminology and we formed some new rules in regard to computer use (only in the living room, passwords and timers). The 2nd and 3rd time we had to address this, H kinda sorta blew up on her...I had to calm things a bit so we could have a conversation about appropriate use of language when chatting with boys as well as things about anatomy, etc. Yes, we were all a little embarrassed, but too bad. I wished later that I had been a bit stronger in my discussions - perhaps if I had put more fear into her, difficult child would never have spoken to a complete stranger and agree to meet him 5 days later and go out of the state with him, even though she later admitted she was scared out of her mind. Afterwards, she realized a few things that she didn't learn from our discussions.

MWM, I think you need to have a very open and honest discussion with daughter about the appropriateness of leaving messages on MySpace (and AIM). Remind her that although her profile is private, her so callled 'friends' can show their friends her page if they are looking at it together - that is how my daughter met many new people she never knew before from out of town. And while acknowledging that she is a well developed 12 year old, you must also caution her about the kind of attention she will get as such. Not all of it is good. You don't want to make her fear boys and men, but at the same time, she needs to understand that it's okay to not be so trustful of everyone she meets, especially when they are being nice to her & paying her compliments. Maybe Little Red Riding Hood would be a good story to read together...I'm not kidding - that is a story that the police officer who handled difficult child's sexual asault went over with her.

It's such a fine line but with care it can be done. I don't think you need to go crazy about everything all at once - just reminding her to be careful about what she posts is a start. You're an attentive mother, we all know that. But in today's world, age doesn't seem to mean a thing when they have internet access.

 

[BusynMember]

Well, I check daughter's friends regularly. At this point in time, daughter has a healthy fear of strangers and would not run off with anyone. That just isn't her right now. As she gets older, we will update our talks and we'll keep checking her computer. I can do a history on her. All I ever see is various music sites where her favorite singers sing...no posting or anything, she listens to music on the computer a lot. I also check her cell phone, somtimes without telling her, and I know everyone who calls her. So far, I'm pretty satisified that this is as good as it's going to get for now. When my other daughter, now 24 and an ex-drug addict, was 12, she was already involved in drugs. She didn't use a computer and didn't have a cell phone and I had no way of tracking her activities at all. I actually feel safer having a slight window into this daughter's life. My older daughter had no problem meeting frightening people without the help of a computer, and I had no idea she was doing it. So I kind of like having check points for this one.

 

[hearts and roses]

Well, I check daughter's friends regularly. I can do a history on her. I also check her cell phone, somtimes without telling her, and I know everyone who calls her. So far, I'm pretty satisified that this is as good as it's going to get for now.I actually feel safer having a slight window into this daughter's life. So I kind of like having check points for this one.

I swear to you, each and every time I caught difficult child at something she shouldn't have been doing it was through the computer! Either through her history or her leaving an AIM box open or her MySpace page up, one of the above - always. It's almost funny. In fact, even after she realized how I was discovering things, she continued to leave these things open and available to me. You'd think she'd get sneakier or better at hiding her tracks, but nope. I almost think she wanted me to find stuff out because then it was my fault she got in trouble and not hers to willfully admitting things to me! Hahah.

I'm sure things will go well with you and your daughter - she sounds like a good kid and you have plenty of experience, right??

 

[BusynMember]

LOL, sometimes I think they want to get caught. But my oldest daughter was involved in things I never ever did and she was so good at hiding what she was doing. Back then (it really wasn't that long ago) there was no MySpace and she didn't have a cell phone. When she went missing I had no way to find her or her friends. I didn't have all their numbers either, like my younger daughter does on her computer. I tried to know all my older daughter's friends, but anyone who has lived with a drug addict knows that you will never know all their friends. THe older she got, the worse it got. My poor younger daughter. I am so overprotective of her because of older daughter! She always tells me, "I'm not J." She isn't. But that still won't make me let down my guard. If anything at all seems "off," I'll be on it right away.

 

[mamabeardefendinghercubs]

Hi midwest mom.. I noticed something that you made mention about rockstars as friends .. I feel bad to be the one to tell you this but most of those people are just fake's or what the kids now call poser's they are weirdos and pervs or people looking for attention... I only want you to know so you could keep a closer eye on those people that are on your daughters page they use all the latest stars names or just make up them.... they do write back and some are not bad but some are really sicko's so anyways i hope that bit of information helps some parents here..

 

[BusynMember]

Well, these are all people I heard of who she listens to. Thanks for the heads up though...lol. She is not a friend of theirs nor they of her. She just likes to download their songs and I hear her listening to them. We have a very tiny house, almost trailer size and I can almost hear anything she says, even when she's on the phone and what she is saying. She doesn't lower her voice much, nor try to hide anything, nor even bother to shut her door half the time.
When my other daughter was twelve and doing dangerous things, she was secretive, spoke in a hushed voice on the phone, locked her door, and gave me a big heads up about how a teen in trouble behaves. I just have no reason to worry about N. Yet. She is doing well in school, is in sports, and the teachers like her. She is active in the community. From the postings of her friends on MySpace they all seem really innocent. I can't see how a mom can keep an eye on her kid more than I am. I'm also a Stay At Home now so I'm here right after school.
I'm not concerned about N. right now, other than her maturing body and the memory of her older sister. But right now what she did on her MySpace was the worst thing she's ever done. That could change and I could be here next year scared out of my wits. But right now, really, she is still on track Thanks for everyone's input and concern

 

[Marguerite]

A heads up for everyone - I was just watching one of out Aussie morning TV shows and they had some pointers for people using a MySpace or similar web profile. Kids especially, will post stuff that seems to be innocent but can come back to bite them. For example, a kid excited about going away on holidays, announces to everyone exactly when the family is leaving for three weeks' vacation. It's like announcing, "yeah, come by and rob our house now, you will have plenty of time."

Other advice was, don't express your strong personal opinions (like the old social rules about what not to talk about at parties - don't mention sex, religion or politics).

And also - don't give out your personal information, such as phone number, address, etc. As we all know here, it's so easy to give away information about yourself. A site like this is less likely to attract stalkers, than a site well populated by nubile youth ripe for exploitation. And even we are not as careful as we should be here; so how can we be sure that our children may be innocently leaving themselves wide open for danger? Kids just aren't careful enough.

This isn't necessarily a matter of not trusting our children, or of expecting them to be sneaky with their MySpace use, but of simply recognising that they will make mistakes and be too trusting.

Marg

 

[Nancy423]

it's things like this that scare the heck out of me. My difficult child doesn't seem interested in myspace yet but maybe someday she will.

The only thing I've seen/heard/read that really worked was keeping a close eye on your children while they are on the 'net. It sounds like you've already got quite an open rappore with- your difficult child. continue to nurture that communication, be open to questions and be prepared for anything.

 

[BusynMember]

Thanks I'm really REALLY not overly concerned about THIS child...yet. I don't have any reason to be...yet. I hope never! I came here because of my autistic son and my daughter who used to be a drug addict and two boys we adopted who should never have been allowed to live in a family. This particular child so far is the one with the most level head. This was just one dumb thing she did. We do have a close rapport, and I hope it is always that way. If she gets into any trouble--trust me--I'll be crying on all your shoulders

 

[Marguerite]

I'm glad you've got it sorted.

It was good to mention it to us though - not all of us can have the same confidence in our kids. It was timely for me, too, with the TV program mentioning what kids can innocently lay bare (and making themselves and family vulnerable).

It's something I think we all need to keep an eye on, to make suer we have no need to worry.

Marg

 

[susiestar]

MWM, so far I think you have covered this pretty well. It seems kids just ARE going to be on Myspace or similar sites, whether we want it or not. Not sure you remember, but we had horrible problems with Wiz and both Myspace and Facebook. The entire thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth, if you Know what I mean??? But your N seems like a really good kid and you seem to have a great relationship with her.

I think one thing we have to remember as parents is that kids have a different "definition" of sex than we do. I know around MY area that sex = intercourse. Anything less than actual vaginal intercourse is not considered sex. It is considered "fooling around" or "just playing" and MANY of the kids here try to say it has no emotional meaning, or is something you do with friends, not just boyfriends.

And I AM talking about kids as young as 11 or so.

Personally, this terrifies me. I was truly APPALLED when the SECRETARY at our Middle School told me that snapping a girl's bra strap was NOT sexual harrassment because "it has nothing to do with sex". They also were not concerned overly about girls getting full-on groped (hands on breasts, rear ends or even crotches, or girls hands on guys crotches - even when the girl's hand was grabbed and forced to that area) because the "groping" was done with-o taking clothes off and it was in a crowded hallway. Why were they not concerned much? BEcause it wasn't "personal" and no one could get pregnant that way!

So as for sex, I think with our kids we need to be as explicit as possible about what IS sex and what isn't. And about how to draw the boundaries with others.

I picked up a lot of the info about what kids think sex is and isn't in our beloved tdocs' office - other kids talking in the waiting area, and at soccer practices and games, and other games/practices where siblings are ont he sidelines, often chatting on their cellphones. Though in the therapist office a few of the high school age girls talked openly with me, some even with their moms present.

I am glad your daughter is not active. I just want to cry when I hear about how young our babies (both girls and boys) are getting involved in sex. I KNOW that not that many years ago girls were often married by age 14 or 16, but still. This is not then. And it was too young back then too (my great grandma was considered an "old maid" by her aunts because she was not married at 16!), which is just one of the reasons so many women died in childbirth.

Anyway, that was just a reminder of how kids now (not your daughter, but many of her -and Jessie's) peers think about sex. It reminds me to talk regularly about it with my kids. Not so much Wiz, Gma and Gpa do that unless they ask me to or he has a ??? to ask me. But even thank you is not immune to age-appropriate talks about sex.

Glad you have such a great relationship with your daughter, and that she is such a great kid.

 

[BusynMember]

At my daughter's school if a boy snaps a bra, he's nailed for sexual harassment. I've talked to my daughter (while she blushes a bright red) about how oral sex is sex and that you can get diseases from it, date rape (although she hasn't been on a date yet), protection, respecting yourself enough to say "no" to anything that you don't want to do, how boys say "I love you" to talk you into sex, etc. I figure if she has a woman's body, she needs to know. I also cover the gamut of drugs, which she saw first hand from her sister (and, like she says, she is nothing like her sister).
I actually LIKE the computer for reasons that I stated. You have SOME starting point if your kid runs off--people to call, a list of friends, a diary of thoughts. I LOVE cell phones and wish my older daughter would have had one. My younger daughter has heard all the warnings about predators and sickees on MySpace. She is NOT a risk taker. She doesn't even like watching True Crime with me--calls it "scary." I think this is the biggest difference between older daughter and younger daughter--older daughter was drawn into excitement, risktaking, and drama. She also wanted to be popular and was very shy, and drugs was her ticket to not feeling shy and also to popularity with a certain group of kids. Young daughter has really good social skills, tons of friends, and good self-esteem. Younger daughter also didn't go through a divorce like older daughter d id (me and ex) and her home life is more stable--her father is really her father, not her stepfather, etc. I try very VERY hard to do things right with younger daughter as I feel I was too busy working full time and dating my hub and that maybe somehow older daughter felt neglected. We are very close now, but I do feel bad about how she got the brunt of the divorce. Younger daughter is just very different. And even older daughter tells me, "N. is NOT like me." I can't stop her from doing everything that her friends do because so far she has earned my trust. But I do keep a very close eye on her. I think MySpace is a much bigger risk to a difficult child. I know plenty of kids who are mature enough to use it and don't get into trouble having it. But a difficult child...well, they take EVERYTHING and make it a problem...

 

[lillians]

when i speak with daughter re comp pals etc,, she says i am stupid ,, or an f -ing idiot,, and the screaming begins,, she has little or no social life or skills so the comp is very important,, i do not like it,,but ,, well she cant get diseased or pgegnat ,, and i know where she lies and sits,, so bad as it is,, i still have a sort of control,,lol and do keep parental comp controls

 

[Rotsne]

In our Danish work space / educational system there are almost no laws about sexual harassment unless the company / school has written them on their own. Because we have almost no laws the women are allowed to use moderate violence to protect themselves as slapping the offenders face and even small girls in pre-school are taught how to keep boys on the distance.

At my work the written rules are very relax. Jokes about blondes are being sent all the time and are accepted by management with the one exception that no jokes are allowed to be sent to our offshore departments.

They have very strict with this after the Danish model was arrested for protecting herself against a steward who bend in over her and look right down in a private area for most women. Because she reacted as she has been taught to do, she got arrested.

It was an eye-opener, which showed the cultural differences. We don't have many cases of harassment. Men, who overstep their boundary and receive a slap are generally laughed at.

However when it comes to Myspace etc. it seems that it is almost common for youth to have photos of them published with almost nothing on. I would recommand parents to install software which enables parental supervision at any time and try to talk to your off-springs about their future and how such a photo would look in the eye of a future boss (Regardless of the fact that some of those, I have seen checking out the candidates would have it as a plus if it was nice body) instead of yelling and banning the youngster from the net.

One day they are facing unemployment and then the network they have created on the net could come in handy. Maybe the job opening is not right down the corner but in another city or state.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi. Here, a future boss wouldn't look at your MySpace or know what you have done outside of work unless you broke the law and it was on television...lol. We have a lot of privacy here. It's interesting to see the different cultures. I do know that some kids publish nude pictures of themselves, but my daughter wouldn't do that now. Once they are 18, we have no control over what they do. I hear that some kids take faces and put nude body pictures underneath the face and circulate stuff like that--my daughter knows the score. There are mean, vicious kids and you deal with it as it happens. IF it happens. She has a nice group of friends so far and nothing bad has happened...yet. We will take it all as it comes.
I have told both of my daughters to slap or knee any man who touches them against their will. My younger daughter has our permission to do anything she has to do to keep a boy's hands off of her. Even if the school punishes her for it (which I doubt), we don't care. Her Dad and I will be on her side if she protects herself. We don't care what the school rules are. My daughter has a right not to be touched.
Blond jokes are rampant around here and nobody thinks anything of it. Racial slurs at school are another story. That's not allowed. Outside of school, we don't have laws about free speech. Some speech may be ugly, but it is allowed. We don't muzzle anyone, even the lowlives.

 

[hearts and roses]

Hi. Here, a future boss wouldn't look at your MySpace or know what you have done outside of work unless you broke the law and it was on television...lol. We have a lot of privacy here.

Just and FYI - I hear it more and more everyday that HR departments here in the US are now looking up potential employees on Facebook. Not sure about MySpace, but it is becoming commonplace for potential employers to do a random search on Facebook. Many people don't even realize their Facebook page is public, unless they've chosen for it to be private and well, any employer can see what's on there. I have told difficult child about this and she went in there and cleaned out a bunch of photos and other stuff - old messages and status updates. Turns out her current employer actually did look at her Facebook!! How about that?

My feeling is that anything you put on the internet is free game for anyone to view.